FINAL CHAPTER -

Beautiful Disaster

They say when you're dying…you flashback over events of your life. You mentally write down everything that you wanted to do before you died - you mourn over what you never got to do.

I never felt the pain. But slowly, i felt my life leaving me.

The rain fell down around me. I saw the car in the distance. I saw Tommy's blonde hair still strapped in the car. And i hoped with everything that i had left, that he would be okay.

I thought of the people i would leave behind - my fans, my band, my family.

I thought of people i hadn't called in a long time, and i wondered if they would forgive me.

I thought of the lights hitting the stage and the roar of a crowd - anonymous faces dressed in glitter jumping up and down in platform shoes in an unknown venue.

I thought of smiles on faces, and took comfort in the fact that i put them there.

The whole idea of fame was always something i dreamt about.

The idea that people around the world let my music into their homes, let me into their lives, never really sank in.

I wondered who would remember me and who would forget. Wondered if i'd done enough to leave a sparkly trail that was my legacy behind me.

But above all things, i thought of TommyJoe.

I wondered what he would do after i was gone.

I saw his brown eyes in my mind, that blonde hair. Saw his head resting on my shoulder, his bass between us.

As life drained out of me and i drew in what would've been my final breath, i smiled.

I smiled for what i had done, what i had created. I smiled for who i had knew.

I had lived my life - done everything i had ever dreamt of.

They say you should only stop when you've gone as far as you can go. This was the end of my road.

I smiled for Tommy….because i knew he was still sitting in that car alive, while i was lying on the ground. I was grateful for that.

Sweet memories remained etched in my mind, and i felt happy that i had gotten to know him and that Tommy had been part of my life.

Tommy, i decided, was like a leather jacket…i knew my death would be like individual studs punched into his shoulders.

I knew he would hurt, i knew he would struggle to wear the weight of being in the car with me, i knew he would blame himself….but in my heart, i knew that through the pain - Tommy would still shine. I knew in time, he would find happiness again. I willed him too.

Life is one big beautiful you gotta get through the disasters before you find the beauty.

I hoped he would find that beauty that i saw within him.

The last thing i saw as i closed my eyes was a red bass guitar….painted fingernails running up the neck and strumming it slowly.

The image panned up, and there was Tommy's smiling face.

Tommy's smile was a gift. Few people had seen it.

I felt blessed that i had been one of the lucky ones.

My name was Adam Lambert.

As i lay on cold concrete, drenched in rain and medical officers ran to my aid… I wondered if death was me waking up from the dream.

If it was…i decided i was ready to go.

And for that... i smiled.