CHAPTER 2

A short while later, they were sitting by a roaring fire eating flame cooked hamburgers. Ray was grateful that Fraser hadn't noticed the bottle of ketchup he'd slipped into a side pocket of one of his bags as he felt sure that his buddy would have made him leave it at home. He probably had a recipe for burger relish made out of berries and things you foraged for in the woods, or something, thought Ray with a shiver. "Promise me these aren't mooseburgers," Ray said to his partner with a grin.

"One hundred percent American beef," Fraser promised with a chuckle, tossing Diefenbaker a freshly cooked burger. Dief virtually swallowed it down in one go. "You'll give yourself indigestion," he warned the wolf. Dief wasn't listening, as usual and instead stuck his nose in the bag looking for more food. "Go and hunt something, for heavens sake!" Fraser pointed off towards the open fields. Diefenbaker ignored him and wandered over to Ray, looking up at him expectantly.

"Sorry boy," said Ray, "I'm not gettin' involved in this." He glanced over to Fraser, who was busy stoking the fire, before reaching into his pocket and pulling out a handful of multi-coloured sugar-coated chocolate drops and palming them to Dief. He put one finger to his lips in a silent 'Sshh' and Dief skulked off to enjoy his haul.

"I can hear you crunching," Fraser said, without taking his eyes off the fire. Dief, of course, didn't hear what he said, but Ray stifled a giggle with the back of his hand, realising that the comment was purely for his benefit. Fraser got to his feet and turned to Ray. "Ready for tea?" he asked. Ray tried to look innocent and just nodded. Fraser set about boiling some water to make tea. He had brought some instant coffee with him for Ray, but he wasn't about to tell his friend that. Ray hadn't argued at the prospect of tea this time. He thought he would save the coffee for an emergency, which would most likely be the next morning, he concluded. Ray was terrible first thing without his caffeine hit, although Fraser was hoping that all this fresh air may be enough to get him up and about. I'll just have have to wait and see, he thought.

They fell silent for a few minutes, just watching the fire and waiting for the water to boil. Ray was actually looking forward to his tea. He would never tell Fraser, but his buddy was right, tea really did help to focus his mind and calm his nerves. Coffee made him jumpy and irritable, well even more jumpy and irritable than normal, but I guess I'm addicted to the caffeine, he decided. The atmosphere was becoming very slightly uncomfortable now and Ray didn't quite know what to say. Had he pushed his buddy too far? He really hoped not. "We don't have t'do this," Ray said quietly.

"Do what Ray?" asked Fraser, trying to sound nonchalant. "Drink tea? I do have some..."

"Not the tea Fraser," Ray interrupted, lifting his head and looking at Fraser, "ya know what I'm talking about."

"Ray," Fraser drew a deep breath, "You were absolutely right before. I have been holding onto all of this for far too long. I'm just not sure where to start."

"How about you try, y'know, the beginning, Fraser?" Ray replied with half a smile.

Considering the vast vocabulary that he called upon so easily at other times, Fraser really wasn't very good at expressing his feelings. Ray listened as Fraser told him the whole story. Right from the beginning over ten years ago now. He told Ray how he'd fallen in love with Victoria Metcalfe as they'd both clung to life up on Fortitude Pass. He couldn't explain it, it was if he'd known her forever, across a thousand lifetimes.

Ray was incredibly moved by that. He'd fallen in love with Stella when he was just a kid but he'd never been able to express how he felt in such a, well, in such a poetic way, he thought to himself. He didn't even know if he'd ever felt that way about Stella at all. Perhaps that was my problem, he sighed.

The water finally boiled and Fraser made two mugs of tea. One of his favourite blends, he hoped Ray would like it. Ray blew on his tea to cool it a little as Fraser talked. He tried to explain the guilt he'd felt after Victoria was sent to prison for her part in the bank robbery. Ray struggled to understand. "She was a criminal, Fraser," he said. "People died durin' that robbery."

"I know," replied Fraser, "that's what I don't understand. Why her, Ray? Why?"

"You can't help who ya fall in love with," sighed Ray, "but ya can't feel guilty for turnin' her in. Who knows what she might have done if, y'know, if you'd let her go free?"

Fraser shook his head. "I spent the next eight years trying to convince myself that I'd done the right thing. It took a while, but I think I'd finally got it clear in my mind. I hoped that her time in prison would help her to realise that crime is not the answer and she'd come out a better person. I'd done my duty...but then she came back."

He told Ray how he and Ray Vecchio had been walking along the street when he'd seen her. He thought he was imagining things. Her face had haunted his nightmares for eight years and he thought that, perhaps, now she was starting to haunt his waking hours too. That thought had terrified him. Then when he saw her again he'd gone running down the road after her like a crazy man, but it was her. It was really her. When he saw her again after all those years, it was as if nothing had changed. They spent that evening together, just like a normal couple. They'd cooked and eaten a meal together and then they watched an old movie together, snuggled in each others arms.

He told Ray how he'd walked her back to her hotel, but later she'd returned to his apartment. They'd got through the whole evening without mentioning what had happened before, what he'd done to her, but now she was angry. She'd attacked him, shouting and screaming at him and he'd felt so guilty, so dreadfully guilty, but all he could do was to hold her in his arms and then they'd kissed. Kissed more passionately than he'd ever kissed anyone before.

"I couldn't help it Ray" he said quietly. "She looked so beautiful..." his voice trailed off. He took a deep breath. "What was I thinking?" Ray shrugged. He couldn't think of anything to say. He couldn't believe how Fraser had fallen so completely for this woman. "We made love, Ray." Fraser bowed his head as he said this, as if it was the most shameful admission he'd ever had to make.

"Fraser, you were in love with her," said Ray, trying to ease some his friend's pain. "That's what people in love do, right? It's OK."

"No Ray, it's not OK!" Fraser was releasing some of his anger. Finally, thought Ray, finally we might be getting somewhere. It was the first display of real emotion that Fraser had allowed himself throughout this whole conversation so far.

"Why didn't I see it?" Fraser continued. He was so angry with himself. "Why didn't I see what she was doing? She was manipulating me, totally and completely and I let her do it and then...and then..." he couldn't finish that sentence as a single tear ran down his cheek. He quickly wiped it away with the back of his hand. "For the next three days, nothing else mattered. The rest of my life didn't matter to me any more, only her. I didn't go to work and the worst thing...the worst thing Ray was that I forgot about a social evening that Ray, Ray Vecchio I mean, had arranged for us at his house with Lieutenant Welsh, Jack Huey and others from the 27th. We were going to play pool, drink beer... I was meant to be bringing the food. I just forgot. I never forget anything Ray." Fraser hung his head again..

Ray couldn't argue with him. He couldn't imagine Fraser being so involved with this woman that he'd let Ray Vecchio down like that. "What did Vecchio say?" asked Ray, putting his empty mug on the floor.

"He was mad with me. Really angry. He had every right to be too," replied Fraser. "He came to see me and we argued and he just left. I went after him, I was trying to explain, but it was then that Victoria shot Diefenbaker." His voice cracked as he looked over at Dief who was curled up by the fire, snoring gently. "She told me someone had come to the apartment, Jolly, the man with whom she'd robbed the bank. She said she'd just managed to escape and I assumed Dief had been trying to protect her. She told me lie after lie Ray and I didn't see through any of it."

"Maybe ya just, y'know, ya didn't want to see it?" offered Ray.

Fraser shrugged. "She killed him later. Jolly, that is. Single gunshot to the head, point blank range. She stole my gun and tried to frame me for the murder. She turned into a cold blooded killer Ray. The woman I loved." Fraser's voice was barely a whisper now. He went on to explain to Ray how Victoria had covered her tracks perfectly. She had hidden the stolen money at his father's cabin in the Yukon, before burning it down. She'd also made it look as if both he and Ray had somehow been spending some of the stolen money around Chicago. "We were both under suspicion regarding the stolen money and then I was arrested for the murder. Ray Vecchio mortgaged his house to post bail for me." He drew a slow, deep breath. Ray Vecchio had put more than just his home on the line for his friend.

"I guess ya knew by now what she was doing?" Ray suggested.

Fraser nodded. "Ray and I were able to piece most of it together. I should have hated her by this point, but I... I still needed...I still wanted..." Another tear. This time Fraser just let it fall.

"We can stop if ya want to." Ray spoke gently. He could see how hard this was for his friend. He'd thought talking about it would help, but now he was beginning to wonder.

Fraser shook his head. "She told me she still loved me. She said she loved me and she hated me. What was I supposed to do with that?" Fraser fell silent for a moment as he remembered. He told Ray about the locker with all the stolen money in it at the railway station and the key she'd planted at the Vecchio house and about the diamonds. "She begged me to leave with her, she had two plane tickets," Fraser went on. "She had taken Ray's back up gun. When I refused, she was going to shoot me, but instead she kissed me." Fraser's tongue darted out and lingered over his lower lip and he closed his eyes, he could still taste that kiss, he could still taste her. "She could have killed me, but she let me go. She did the one thing I couldn't do all those years ago."

"She didn't know you'd swapped the locker keys." Ray pointed out. "Maybe if she'd known..." he suddenly thought finishing that sentence was, perhaps, not going to help. "When you caught up with her, was she already on the train?" he asked. He'd read the files, all the reports. He knew the basic facts about what had happened. He and Fraser had even spoken about it before, but only briefly, only about tiny parts of it. He'd always known that this woman had hurt Fraser, hurt him badly, but he was becoming more and more shocked with each of Fraser's revelations.

Fraser opened his eyes and looked at his friend. "No. Ray Vecchio had arrived at the station with Lieutenant Welsh and the others. Victoria realised that I'd set her up and she said she was going to kill me, but..."

"But she didn't," interrupted Ray.

Fraser shook his head again and sighed. "No, she didn't. She begged me to get on the train with her. I wanted to, I wanted to so badly, but I knew it was wrong and I just stood there as the train pulled away. I saw Ray running along the platform and then I looked into her eyes as she got further and further away. She was holding out her hand for me and I just started running towards her."

"You changed your mind?" Ray wasn't sure he understood.

"I honestly don't know, Ray" Fraser replied. "It was only a matter of seconds, but in my head one moment I was going to go with her, then I was going to stop her, then I was going with her again. Over and over, round and round, I didn't know what to do." Fraser held his head in his hands. "I was prepared to get on that train and leave with her. Why Ray? Why? It would have ruined Ray Vecchio's life, I didn't even know if Dief was going to pull through, but I was going to to do it anyway. I didn't care." Fraser's tears flowed more freely now.

"You were confused, Fraser," Ray tried to look as understanding as possible, but the truth was, he didn't understand. I suppose I never will really understand, he thought, but I'm going to do my best for my him. He needs me. "What were ya thinkin' when ya finally caught up with her? Were you goin' with her or were ya gonna bring her in?"

"The truth Ray?" Fraser lifted his head and looked at Ray. Ray nodded. "The truth is I think I was going with her..." his voice cracked again and he wiped his face with one hand.

"Then Vecchio shot ya," Ray said. Fraser put his head in his hands again.

"He saved my life. Ray Vecchio saved my life." Fraser's voice was almost a whisper. He cleared his throat, looked back at his friend and spoke more clearly now. "Ray told me later that he thought Victoria had a gun in her hand. She didn't, I'd taken it from her, but it was dark and Ray was still some distance away. He thought she was going to kill me so he aimed at her and fired and that was the moment I jumped onto the train. I don't really remember anything else. Ray told me I fell back onto the platform, but I don't remember."

"You were hurt pretty bad" said Ray, it was all in the files.

"I remember some parts. I remember being in the hospital," continued Fraser, "they were taking me to surgery and I remember seeing Ray there, but I saw her too."

"At the hospital?" Ray was confused, "I thought she got away on the train?"

"Yes Ray," Fraser nodded, "but she was still in my head. I saw her everywhere."

"You weren't thinking straight" Ray tried to console his friend, "you were bleeding and, er, y'know, the, er, the pain must have been bad."

"I didn't feel any pain," said Fraser, flatly. "I couldn't feel anything. It's as if I wasn't really there. I can't explain it." They sat in silence for a moment. Ray looked at the floor as he tried to make sense of it. He understood how Ray Vecchio must have felt. The guilt at shooting his friend. He wondered if Fraser had ever managed to convey to Vecchio exactly how grateful he actually was. It was an accident, but Fraser still felt that Vecchio shooting him was the only thing that had stopped him going with Victoria and ruining his entire life. Maybe she would still have killed him anyway? There was no way of knowing, thought Ray.

Suddenly, Ray's thoughts were interrupted by a noise. Fraser had been fighting hard, but a single sob had escaped. Ray looked over to him. His head was bowed and his eyes were tightly shut. His breathing was shallow and his whole body was trembling slightly. "Fraser," began Ray, gently, "let it go, let it out buddy." Fraser didn't respond. "D'ya want me to go?" continued Ray, he wasn't sure if maybe his friend wanted privacy. "I can take a walk down to..."

"No!" Fraser interrupted, desperately. "Please Ray, don't go." Fraser opened his eyes and turned his head to face his friend. Even in the flickering light of the fire, Ray could see something in his tear filled eyes that he'd never seen before. Fear. Fraser was absolutely terrified of losing control, Ray realised suddenly. A second sob rose up and shook Fraser to the core. "Fraser, it's OK. Don't, um, y'know, don't be scared. Let it go, ya gotta let it go." As Ray spoke, he got onto his knees and moved closer to Fraser.

"I still love her, Ray" Fraser managed to say. He was still fighting.

Ray spoke again, "Fraser, you have to do this. You cannot hold onto this any more." He put his arm around his partner's shoulder. "Let it go. I'm here for ya."

That simple gesture was all he needed. Fraser was lost. He couldn't hold it any longer and he cried like he'd never cried before. Ray placed his other hand on the back of Fraser's head and pulled it down onto his shoulder. Fraser turned his body slightly towards Ray, but his elbows were still resting on his own legs and his hands hung loosely between his knees. "It's OK," Ray whispered and Fraser finally let go and allowed all the feelings he'd been so afraid of for almost three years to flow out.

He trembled as the sobs racked through his body. "I still love her," he repeated again.

"Ssshhh" soothed Ray. They stayed like that for what seemed to Fraser like hours, but in reality was maybe only ten or fifteen minutes. Ray tried his best to offer words of support, to guide his friend through the despair and to reassure him that doing this was for the best. Eventually Fraser became a little calmer. He lifted his head from Ray's shoulder and stared down at the floor again. Ray still had his arm around Fraser's shoulder. "Big breaths, c'mon buddy," Ray said, quietly, "big breaths."

Fraser tried to do as Ray suggested and he drew in a big deep breath. His head was pounding, he'd never felt like this before. Suddenly, he looked at Ray and his face went pale as he spoke. "You'll have to excuse me," he began, shaking Ray's arm away and getting to his feet, "I think I'm...I'm going to vomit." As he said this, he darted off behind some bushes and Ray heard him retching and being violently sick.

Ray sighed a huge sigh. He was now filled with doubt. He'd encouraged this. He thought this was what his friend needed. Ray himself had previously experienced a situation when he'd bottled up his emotions, following the Beth Botrelle incident, and when those emotions had finally spilled out, Fraser had been there for him as he'd broken down. Afterwards, Ray had felt so much better and he had assumed that this would be a similar situation, but nothing had prepared him for the things that Fraser had told him. This woman had completely taken over his head. How could she do that to him? She was clearly crazy, thought Ray, she'd told him she loved him and hated him in the same breath. She tried to kill him and then she begged him to go with her. No wonder Fraser was so screwed up. He was in love with a crazy, cold blooded killer and there was nothing he could do about it. Tears stung Ray's eyes now. Maybe I should have let him keep it inside, he thought, maybe having that control was the one thing that was keeping him together, keeping him sane. Maybe I've broken Fraser... That thought terrified Ray.

Just then, Fraser walked slowly back towards the camp fire. Ray leapt to his feet and handed his friend a bottle of water. "Thank you," whispered Fraser, unable to make eye contact with his partner. He unscrewed the lid of the bottle and took a few sips of water. It soothed his throat and he drew strength from it's purity.

"It's OK," started Ray, "we've, er, we've got another couple of bottles in the..."

"I'm not talking about the water Ray," Fraser lifted his head this time and looked directly at his friend. Ray allowed himself to feel a little relieved and he nodded in acknowledgement.

"Go to bed Fraser," instructed Ray.

"I just need to..." Fraser turned his head and glanced back towards the bushes where he'd just been.

"It's OK buddy," Ray said, raising his hand to stop his friend talking, "I'll deal with it."

Fraser rubbed at his eyebrow with his thumb. "Ray, you also need to make sure that the fire is completely extinguished..."

"Fraser, sleep!" Ray's voice was even firmer now, "I'll deal with it," he repeated, a little more gently. Fraser nodded and headed off towards the tent. He knew he could trust his friend really, he had to, he didn't have the strength to do anything else.

Ray watched him go. That little exchange had lifted him slightly. That was typical Fraser, he thought, typical that he would be worrying about cleaning up and putting the fire out. Ray smiled a little. He's going to be OK, he thought.

A few hours later, just as the sun was beginning to rise, Fraser was woken by strange noises. He sat up and saw that Ray was tossing and turning in his sleeping bag. He'd somehow managed to wriggle right down inside it and he was mumbling incomprehensibly. Fraser reached over, unzipped Ray's sleeping bag and shook his friend by the shoulder. "Ray, wake up." Ray was dripping with sweat, but he sat bolt upright at the sound of Fraser's voice. He looked around the tent, his eyes were unable to focus. "Ray, you were dreaming." Fraser spoke again and this time Ray looked straight at him.

"Sorry, buddy" he said, slowly realising what had happened.

"Are you alright?" asked Fraser.

Ray couldn't quite believe what his partner was saying. His head was full of images of earlier on, of Fraser's raw emotions and his unconscious mind had been having trouble processing it all. Now his friend was asking him if he was alright? "I'm fine Fraser," he began, "you?"

"I'm also fine," Fraser smiled, "actually I was sleeping very well. Thank you kindly for your concern."

Ray smiled back. Impulsively, he scrambled across his sleeping bag and threw his arms around Fraser. Fraser was completely taken aback by his friend's sudden display of affection. "Ray, I'm OK," he assured him.

Ray broke away. "I'm, er, I'm sorry" he said, instantly aware he may have made his friend feel uncomfortable.

"It's alright Ray," said Fraser, "this is the new 'me' you're talking to." Ray looked puzzled. Fraser continued, earnestly, "I am no longer emotionally repressed." He looked straight at Ray and Ray saw the glint in his eye and the smirk dancing delicately at the corner of his mouth.

Ray laughed. Fraser so rarely made a joke. "I dunno what to say. How do ya feel?" he asked, a little nervously.

Fraser considered his answer for a moment. He took a quick breath before replying. "I feel like I've been run over by a truck," he began, with another tiny grin on his lips, "but my head hasn't been this clear for, well, for a very long time Ray. Thank you." Ray nodded and nothing else needed to be said.