I do Not own these characters…..I wish I did…But they are owned by the amazing Stephenie Meyer!
Carlisle's POV
With that she looked up at me once more before she went limp in my arms again.
I decided to take this time to mend her arm. The bleeding had stopped already but she needed some stitches. I placed her down gently and ran upstairs to my study, I got my emergency bag and raced back down. I gave her a shot of morphine, a very small doseage as I knew she was already pretty much completely out and wouldn't feel anything, but I didn't want to chance her wakeing up in pain….well anymore pain then she was already in. I cleaned the area and quickly put 8 stitches in the small but very deep slice in her arm. How did this happen? I couldn't help my curiosity. I'd have to ask her one day. With a deep sigh I raced back upstairs to burn the remnants of my procedere, making sure to not leave any of her powerful blood scent anywhere.
As I watched the flame quickly catch and engulf the bloody instruments. I became instantly lost in my thoughts of how this day had gone so very wrong. Staring at the flames flare and then disapate I began to realize that I myself was lost, I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how I was going to handle this. How would I help my family through this horror, if me myself couldn't begin to imagine this getting better, there was no way that the pain of this day would ever end.
It was then that I heard a weak cry from downstairs. I raced back down to find Bella having an actual nightmare. She was whimpering. Crying in her sleep. She was repeating Edward and Esmes names. Oh god how I wish I could take this nightmare away from her. Away from everyone in my family. I quickly took her back into my arms.
"Bella?" I nearly shouted at her shaking her gently . "Bella Please wake up dear."
She thrashed around in my arms and began screaming. It was a blood curdling scream. It was heart wrenching to watch. I tried in vain to rise her from her horrible nightmare. But to not avail. I knew that if I was successful in awaking her she'd only be waking up from one nightmare to another.
"Bella dear, please it's ok. I'm here. I wont ever leave you. Do you hear me? I will keep you safe. I will protect you. Always. I made a promise to Edward. I will keep that promise. Bella dear please wake up. I will keep you safe from everything. Your nightmares included. Oh how I wish I could save you from the one your going through right now." I said as I cradled her close to my chest, rolling her slightly into me. "Oh Bella I will protect you from now on please just wake up."
Just then Alice came through the door followed by Jasper, Emmett, and Rosealie.
"Carlisle." She began. "Just let her rest. Her mind has had one hell of a beating let alone her heart. I'd tell you that you also need to rest however I know that you can't."
" I suppose your right Alice, as always." I half heartedly smiled at her. " I should let her rest. I just can't stand the thought of how much pain she will be in now."
" What about you Carlisle?" Rose asked. "What about your pain?"
"Yes Rose. I'm in pain." I felt my face fall as I admitted this. "But I cannot leave her, Edward would want me to hold her and make sure she's ok. And so would Esme."
"Why don't you let me watch her for awhile Carlisle?" Rose asked.
"No Rose. I need to be here. I need to be the one she wakes up to." I said as I stared at her beautiful face.
"It's probably for the best that Carlisle is the one that she wakes up to Rose." Emmett said as he saw the Rosealie was about to protest.
With a sigh they all sat down across from me in the now empty feeling family room. Usually this room was full of laughter and smiling faces, especially since Edward had found Bella. His laughter the most appealing and pleasant of us all. I shuddered as I realized that I'd never again hear his laughter or see his smile. I'd never again hear the little sigh of sheer happiness and content that came from Esme as she would watch her son's face light up. For so long he never smiled, not really smiled, nor did he laugh those deep meaningful laughs, his eyes never lit up till he had found her. Looking down onto her peaceful face I knew why his eyes lit up the mere mention of her name. She was very beautiful, but so much more then that, she was innocent , sweet, loving, caring, understanding, and brilliant. I felt in that moment that I myself was staring at the face of an actual angel, and in that moment I felt as if my heart swelled. I knew I was being foolish as with my being a vampire my heart laid cold and unmoving inside of my chest, but still it felt like it had actually warmed and swelled. Just then I noticed Alice had gone stiff and looked off into nowhere.
"What is it Alice?" Jasper asked.
"Oh, well I just saw that the police will buy the story and scene." She said with a depth of dispair that nearly had me melting into a puddle of nothing.
"The scene? The story?" I questioned.
It was Emmett who answered me.
"Well, we had to do something with them." I could see the struggle he had with the thought of saying their names. "Edward and Esme I mean. So we made it look like they were in a really bad accident and that they had been….been….."
"No need Emmett I understand now." I said giving him and myself the relief of not having to hear it said outloud.
"The police will be here in about a half of an hour." She looked dead at me. "Chief Swan will be the one who comes here Carlisle, as he will take it very personal, also he wants to make sure that Bella wasn't in the car. Seeing how she was staying the night for a "sleepover" with me alone tonight he will be panicking. I'm gonna tell him that she wasn't feeling well after dinner and that I had called Esme and Edward to come back from camping to help me take care of her. I will of course tell him that Bella refused to go to the hospital. He will agree cause he knows how Bella is. At that time it will be in the best interest to have only me and Bella here."
I can't leave her here alone. I have to stay. What if she wakes up while I'm hiding? I know Alice will take care of her, but I just can't leave her. Not after I promised her I wouldn't.
" Alice?" I said. "I can't just leave her here. If she wakes up she will be very upset and I promised her that I would stay here with her."
"I know Carlisle, but you have to do it otherwise the story will not work. I'm sorry. But she is more then safe here with me." Alice said.
" I know she is safe here with you Alice I never meant to imply…."
She waved her hand to dismiss what I was about to say and I knew she was right. I had to keep up with the story. But how do you leave the grace of an angel once it has touched your heart and soul?
"Carlisle? Alice? Is that you?" Bella suddenly said.
It felt as if my heart lept in my chest at the sound of her angelic voice.
"Yes Bella we're here." Alice soothed coming to sit next to us. " How are you feeling Bella?"
"I'm feeling…..I'm feeling…..Oh Alice I don't know what I'm feeling….. It hurts…..its hurts sooo bad." Bella said as the steady streams of tears raced down her cheeks began again.
I instantly had my guard up.
" What hurts Bella my dear?" I asked in a rush looking over her fragile body.
She then clutched her hand to her chest and looked back over to me. Staring straight into my eyes, melting me with her pain and anguish. I wanted nothing more then to take all of her pain onto myself. I'd burn as I had when I was first bitten a thousand times over seeing her hurting.
"My heart…..my heart hurts Carlisle. It feels almost like its gone. If not for the pain I feel I'd actually fear it was gone. I'd rather it was actually." She admitted.
"What do you mean Bella?" Rose suddenly said.
"I wish it was me that died tonight, I wish that my heart would actually stop beating. It feels as if it did though. I wish the Volturi had just killed me." Bella said through a stutter of tears.
I gasped. I knew that in that instant that indeed the Volturi had killed her. Her heart would never beat like it did when she was with Edward again. They not only broke her but they also forceably ripped her soul out as well. And no one can live without a soul or heart. That is what Edward was and will always be to her….her heart and soul. I gently placed my hand over on her face, covering it entirely with my hand, I glided my hand down and wiped away her tears. Shushing her while I shook my head back and forth I said…..
" Bella dear…..Bella? Please don't ever say that. You cannot ever take yourself out of our lives…Please im begging of you never talk of that again. Do you hear me Bella?"
She looked at me and then quickly away crying harder then I'd seen her cry yet tonight. I tried to gently pull her face back to mine, I couldn't stand not having her eyes melting into mine. She refused to let me pull her face back to me but instead said…..
" Why not Carlisle? Why not take myself out of your misery? Why not take myself out of your families misery?" She said shakily yet firmly and straightforward.
"What?" Rose exclaimed.
"Bella?" Alice questioned.
"Oh hell no." Emmett yelled.
Jasper just placed his head into his hands and shook with obvious pain.
"What Bella? I don't understand. Honestly I don't think you understand how truly precious and important you are to us. You are apart of this fam…." I said but got cut off by her suddenly dark eyes boring into mine.
"I'm the reason your all hurting. I'm the reason for all of this. If not for me and my stupidly attractive," she said as she spat out the word blood like it was truly a horrible thing "blood… then none of this would have happened. If I could I drain myself of all that blood right now and cease to exist…..I would…I hate myself. Carlisle you above all people should hate me…im the reason that Esme is gone."
No…she couldn't think like this. I had to stop her. She couldn't cease to live. "A world without Bella in it just isn't a world at all" Edward had said to me once and in this moment I truly felt the same way. If she were to cease to live then surely as I'm sitting here I'd cease to exist as well. She couldn't….leave us. I wouldn't allow it…..
It was then that I felt the heart wrenching pain of guilt as I had realized that this was my fault and no one else's. If I hadn't of waited to follow Esme…if I had just followed her instantly.. Then I and the rest of my family would have been there in time to save them both. The Volturi didn't like to be outnumbered, and even though they had "powers" surely they would have backed off at the sight of all seven of us there….ready to attack. But no I hesitated, why did I hesitate? Oh god I'm the reason their both dead, gone from us, I'm the reason Bella is blaming herself, I'm the reason her heart and soul are forever torn apart. I can't take this…..
"No…..No Bella, it isn't your fault….It's…It's my fault." I stuttered out painfully. "I'm the reason their both gone from us. I'm the reason that your hurting, that your reason for living and breathing is gone from you. Bella dear…." I began to whisper and whimper to her at the same time. " Bella dear I'm so very sorry… I'm sorry"
At that moment is when I lost it completely. My mind seemed to snap , like that of when a light switch is thrown and the bulb pops. I felt my face fall, shame, guilt, and hatred of myself taking over my entire body. Just then I saw her turn her head and look away, into an obvious hole of blackness, a black hole that I wished to be sucked into. I knew at that moment that she hated me, and that was okay as I hated myself just as much if not more. I clamped my eyes tightly shut in hopes of being sucked into myself, I wanted nothing more then to be dead at that precise moment. I began to pray….God please..what have I done?…..please god if you are truly merciful….then take me…..end my miserable existence …take my horrible life out of my families life…they deserve so much better…..God please I am begging you …..make them and keep them safe…from me…I failed….
I suddenly felt a warmth on my face. It felt amazing. It felt like god himself was reaching down from the heavens and was giving me what I had so desperately prayed for. I smiled and opened my eyes, looking up, I heard the voice of an angel calling me…..
Bella's POV
I truly hated myself completely. I wanted to die. I wanted to be with Edward again. It was all my fault. Both he and Esme were gone from my life, but so much more then were gone from the lives of my vampire family. I would make sure that they wouldn't need to feel the pain of looking at my horrible face much longer. I tried to find comfort in this but all I could feel was more pain.
It was then that I heard Carlisle's voice whimper to me…..Oh god the pain in his voice…I was the cause of this pain….
"No…..No Bella, it isn't your fault….It's…It's my fault." He whispered to me. . "I'm the reason their both gone from us. I'm the reason that your hurting, that your reason for living and breathing is gone from you. Bella dear…." I began to whisper and whimper to her at the same time. " Bella dear I'm so very sorry… I'm sorry"
What? How is this his fault? I can't let him take all this blame onto himself. Leave it to Carlisle to try to make me feel better even though I knew he was crushed and it was my fault, I had to look away from him, his pain so apparent on his angelic face. Such a strong and confident man, his face never betrayed him, not until this moment. He looked like someone else, the pain twisted and contorted his face in strange ways. The Carlisle I knew had a strong persona, he was always confident and strong willed, but not in an arrogant way….No Carlisle was the sweetest most loving person I had ever met. He cared about others well being before he even considered his own, that's how I knew that he was attempting to make me feel better. I felt him shiver…something I thought I would never feel from the amazing Dr. Cullen, it was true that I felt guilty for being the reason that he felt that way, but I also felt the horrible guilt of taking comfort in his strong and sure arms.
I looked back at him and saw his eyes tightly shut. I had to make this better….But how?
I placed my hand on his cold and hard cheek, god it was soooo cold and hard. His features had always made me feel like, even though I knew his chin was hard lined and his nose was cut in a straight sharp angle, that he was somehow softer then the rest. I had never once in my entirety with the Cullen's touched anything more then Carlisle's hand, I'd always found myself straining with the thought of reaching out and touching his face, wanting to discover if he was indeed soft. To feel his embrace as he would hug me. Everyone of the Cullen's, even Jasper, had hugged me before, everyone except Carlisle. That was ok with me because I always thought that I had wanted it too much, I'd always kick that thought quickly out of my head though. But this…this was different… He needed me to do this.
As my hand lie on his face I saw his eyes loosen and his chin lifted as he looked straight up, he opened his eyes and smiled. He looked to be somewhere else entirely.
"Carlisle?…..Carlisle?" I whispered to him trying to revive him from his reverie. "Carlisle….please look at me….I'm here Carlisle please. Its not your fault Carlisle…It's not…"
He suddenly seemed to snap out of whatever it was that had taken over him. His eyes screwed tightly shut again and he sighed, looking down to me, his eyes opened again. His eyes were still sad but he was smiling slightly. His eyes bored into me with such an intensity that my heart began to falter. How could he look at me like this… me?…the one who was the cause of his and his family's pain.
"Mio Angelo" He whispered suddenly to me.
Ok I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! More to come. And soon as I find myself unable to break away from this story.
Sorry that's long but I find that the more emotions and details are included the more likely you are too feel, see and experience everything that the characters are going through. The next Chapter will be the hardest yet, it will include graphic details of…well I guess you'll just have to wait and find out. But it won't be X-rated…not yet anyways! Jßevily grins