A/N: I'm not quite sure how much longer this story will be, I'm debating on whether ending it and then doing a sequel, but we shall see.

Chapter 7

I sat at a table looking at the piece of paper one of the nurses at Parkland mental hospital had handed me. It was my third day here and I was still extremely uncomfortable. I read the paper, Today I feel...oh that easy, hurt, confused and lonely. I feel this way because...my boyfriend, scratch that my ex boyfriend hit me and controlled me. And I'm here alone.

I sighed, I wasn't adjusting well and I wished then that I had told Mama Knight I didn't want to go to a mental hospital. We went around telling each other what we had written down, I looked around and saw ten others looking just as hurt and lonely as I was. "Would you like to share today Logan?" Ben asked me, he was my favorite nurse that worked here. He didn't pry or push, he accepted me shaking my head and moved onto the next person.

After group was done I handed him my sheet. "Logan?" He asked as I was turning away from him. "I've read your sheets the last two days and a few others here are coping with the same things you are, if you share you would have someone to talk to."

I nodded. "I'm just not ready yet." I said and then walked back to my room. I laid down on my bed, I still hadn't had my session today with Dr. Alexander. She was a nice lady but when I was with her I didn't much of say anything. Just short answers and nods.

I looked to my right, my roommate, Jason was here because his girlfriend had left him. He tried to kill himself but he had failed. I sighed and couldn't help but feel I didn't belong here. I had never tried to kill myself. I would never do anything like that. My father had always told me that suicide is for cowards, its for people who couldn't face their problems.

"Logan?" I looked up to see Dr. Alexander, "Are you ready for today's session?"

I nodded and stood up. When we got to the empty room I had come to be familiar with I sat down on the chair that was in there. "So how are you feeling today?" I shrugged my shoulders. "Logan, I don't want to push you but you not talking isn't helping anything. You aren't showing any progress at all and to be quite frank Mrs. Knight is starting to worry."

I felt guilty. Everyone had been worried, I wasn't accepting visitors and the last thing I wanted to do was cause anyone any more worry over me. "I guess I'm just feeling confused." I said after several moments.

"Because of what Kendall did to you?" She asked.

"Yeah, but its not just the hitting and the fact he almost killed me. It's everything else to. He lied to me, told me that I didn't have friends and he cheated on me. I never did anything wrong. I never looked at another guy I don't understand why he felt I deserved this." I said softly.

"Kendall, like you, is having issues with himself. People who control and do things like he did only do so because of some kind of insecurity they have." Dr. Alexander said. I couldn't believe that Kendall was the most confident person I had ever met. "How are you adjusting to Parkland? Do you think you will see any visitors today?"

I thought about it. Dak, James and Carlos had been here to see me everyday since I arrived, but I had refused to see them. I wasn't ready to face them yet. "I feel out of my comfort zone here. I've never had to be outside my bubble and for the first time I am. I usually do well with change because I've always had Kendall, James and Carlos with me."

"Then maybe seeing them will help you adjust." She suggested.

I decided that maybe she was right. The rest of the session I didn't say much. I went back to my room, another group was getting ready to start, but I didn't want to go. I laid back down on my bed, "Logan, you have a call." I looked up and saw a girl, I was pretty sure her name was Melissa. She was here because her father hit her and she tried to kill herself.

I stood up and walked to the phone. "Hello?" I asked.

-Logan!- I heard Carlos and James scream. I smiled to myself. -Can we come see you today, we miss you.-

I knew that my doctor was right, I needed their help so that I could adjust better. "Yeah, I guess I'm ready now."

-Really?- Carlos yelled. -Can we bring Dak? He wants to come too.-

"Yeah, bring Dak. I'll see you guys soon." I hung up. I looked at the clock it was 10:30, lunch started at noon and that was when we were able to have visitors. I went back to my room and decided to take a shower. I pushed the button in the shower. It was frustrating because the water only stayed on for a minute and was cold for half of the time. I quickly washed my body and hair. I got out and started drying off.

There was a knock on the door. "Yeah?" I asked.

"I need to see that you are okay." I heard Ben say. I hated it, they did rounds every fifteen minutes and had to physically see that I wasn't harming myself. I sighed and peeked through the door, trying to cover myself up. "Sorry, about that. But-"

"I know, you're just doing your job." With that I closed the door. I grabbed a pair of clothes that James had picked out for me. Everyone wore sweats here, thanks to James I was still wearing jeans, button ups and my famous sweater vests. I quickly tugged them on and put on the slip on shoes I had with me.

By lunch time I was anxiously waiting at the nurses station for the three guys to arrive. Until that moment I hadn't realized how much I had missed them. Finally I saw the three of them get escorted through the locked door that kept us from escaping. They all smiled at me and ran up. They took turns hugging me and looking at me.

"You're swelling from surgery has finally gone away." James noticed.

"Yeah, after six days the bruises have barely faded." I said. My face still didn't look like mine. The bruise on my right eye was fading and was almost the sickening green color and my left eye was still purple and swollen. I could at least see fully out of it again.

We waited to go to the cafeteria. When we got there we all got lunch and sat down at a table to ourselves. "So how do you like it here?" Dak asked.

"I don't. I wish I was home and had never agreed to come here." I said stubbornly.

James frowned at me. "Listen, you being here is whats best for you right now. You need to learn how to cope with everything that has happened."

Carlos chimed in. "You suck at coping. You don't know how to express yourself to others when you need to. The only reason we have ever known your problems is because we pry them out of you."

"I wish everyone would stop telling me, what they think is best for my life." I muttered while looking down.

"Logan, don't be like that." Dak said defensively. "We only care about you, we want to see you get better. We want our Logan back. So do you like your doctor?"

"She's okay. I don't like much of the staff. I feel like they are looking down at me. The only one I like is Ben. He seems to actually care what people in here are feeling and going through." I said. The first night I had been here Ben pulled me aside to make sure that I was doing okay. He did it with everyone and that was why the people here had such a deep respect for him.

We sat there talking for a half hour before I finally realized something. "Kendall got out today, didn't he?" I asked. It had been day five of his hospital treatment for anger management.

James looked down, I could tell that he didn't want to answer. "Logan, why don't you focus on you and forget Kendall." He said softly.

"I just wanted to know." I said before I got quiet again.

Carlos had a look of defeat, I knew that he wanted to tell me. "He is staying in longer. They said he could go but he said he wanted to stay to try and get a better handle on how to control himself when he gets mad. Mama Knight was saying that alone was improvement."

I know that I got a smile on my face. Kendall was really trying to change. He did want to be with me. "Logan, you can't just forgive him for what he did to you." James said desperately. "There is no forgiving what he did."

I stared at James before I chose to speak. "You don't know anything James." He looked shocked that I would say that to him. He looked at me, opened his mouth and then closed it. I assumed it was because of the glare Dak was giving him.

"Once again, what James was TRYING to say is that you can't forgive him as easily as you want to. If Kendall really changes he will wait until you are satisfied and want to be with him. You have to make him work for your forgiveness. I love you Logan, but you forgive way too easily" Dak said.

"If I make him work for my forgiveness then I am no different than him." I said. "I'd be manipulating him."

Dak was confused at this. "How are you like him? Did you ever hit him? Lie to him? Cheat on him? You aren't like him, you have to make him work for it so he knows that he can't do it anymore. He has to work for it because he's already hurt you so much and you have to protect yourself." I didn't say anything. I just frowned and looked down.

Carlos must have sensed the tension because he started speaking again. "Oh it was funny, yesterday I decided to try and go down swirly from the outside."

James started to laugh and I did the same. I could only imagine how that had turned out. "It was hilarious, dude." James said still laughing. "He fell after the first part. It was a nice ten foot fall and he fell on his head."

Carlos hit his helmet. "Luckily, I was wearing this."

I clutched my side. Laughing was making my ribs ache but I couldn't help it. It was the first time I had laughed since I was in the hospital. "Oh Carlos. You're something else."

Their eyes lit up at seeing me laugh. "Visiting time is over in five minutes!" I heard Ben say. I sighed. I didn't want them to go now.

As if reading my mind Dak smiled and said. "Don't worry, we'll be back at six tonight to eat dinner with you."

I smiled. I walked with them back to the nurses station. James was telling me about this new girl he met down at the pool. "There is no way she could deny...this!" He said while doing his famous jazz hands. I laughed.

"I will die laughing if she does." I said with a smirk. James looked at me surprised that I had actually zinged him. He smiled. "Well, I'll see you tonight." James wrapped an arm around me.

Carlos didn't say anything. He just hugged me and smiled. Dak was the last one he looked at me for a second. "We moved all your stuff into my apartment a few days ago, so when you get out its all ready for you." He said with a sweet smile. He pulled me into a tight bear hug.

Dinner was the same. The next four days I talked more in group, I told everyone what was going on and surprisingly two girls named Jamie and Sarah came up to tell me what their boyfriends had done. We all told each other the horrible things our exs had said and done to us. I opened up more to Dr. Alexander as well. I told her that Kendall was still in treatment too, but how I was afraid to give him another chance.

I spend lunch and dinner everyday with Dak, James and Carlos. Sometimes even Mrs. Knight. In four days, you couldn't even tell I had gone months without talking to them. It seemed like we had talked all through the months.

It was now Monday and I had a meeting with Dr. Alexander. I was talking to Sarah when she found me. I saw her and told Sarah I would be back. When we were in the small room she instantly started speaking.

"It seems like you have adjusted really well over the weekend."

I smiled. "I have my friends and Sarah and Jamie to thank for that."

"So you have been talking about what Kendall did to you?"

I nodded. "It helps me make sense of things. I have been writing in my notebook too." I said. I clutched the composition book close to my chest.

"Would you mind reading me something you've written in there?" She asked nicely.

I nodded and opened up to what I had written the night before. "I talked to Sarah and Jamie again tonight. Jamie told me that her boyfriend had dislocated her shoulder he had gotten so mad at her. Sarah said that hers had broken her nose over three times. They seem to understand what I'm going through. They understand how confused and broken I am because they are going through it too."

I paused for a second. I had written a lot about Kendall and was now regretting to choose this entry. "James told me today that Kendall is still in treatment. He's been there now for eleven days. Mrs. Knight said that he is staying there for another week before they force him out of the program. I'm glad that he is trying to change. It means that our relationship wasn't a total lie at least.

"But then I think and realize how much of a lie it really was. Did Kendall care about me? Probably. I think he may have even loved me in the beginning. But after he hit me the first time, I don't think he loved me after that. You aren't suppose to hurt the person you're with, let alone love. I never hurt him. I had never yelled at him and I never did anything wrong. I never flirted with other guys and never had interest in any.

"I guess that's why this situation is so confusing for me. I loved and still do love Kendall with everything inside me. For me this relationship wasn't a lie. He is all I have wanted for the last year. We dated for nine months. I hate the fact that I can no longer call him mine. I miss him more than anything in this world, but does that mean something is wrong with me? I mean how can I miss someone who did all these horrible things to me?

"Right now all I can think about is Kendall and the good times we had. We had a lot of good times, more good then bad now that I look back on it. I guess its fair to say I miss the good times, I miss the Kendall that I love, not the monster he has become. I hope he can become the Kendall I love again, because I don't know if my life would mean anything without him."

She was smiling at me. "There is nothing wrong with missing someone you love. And like you said in there you miss the Kendall he use to be, not the monster he became."

"I feel like my life has no meaning without him." I admitted. "But at the same time, I'm ready to try and live a life without him."

She couldn't stop smiling. "I've been seeing you for a week now and in a week you have made tremendous progress. I am so happy that you finally broke out of your shell. Now the self soothing tips you've learned do you think that is something you will use outside of here?"

"It was never a matter of self soothing. When I'm upset I take a shower to relax, listen to music or read. Sometimes all three, this was a matter of me bottling things up. But I have already been set up with a therapist and I plan on going to try and sort the rest of the things out." I said softly.

"Well, if you are comfortable with it, I see no reason why you can't be released tomorrow." She said with a smile.

"Really?" I asked, it came out more eager than I had intended. I was surprised. I didn't think I was going to be able to go home so soon. When we finished up I ran to the phone and dialed James' number.

-Hello?-

"Hey, I'm going home tomorrow. Will you pick me up?"

-Yeah, what time?-

"Ten."

-I'll be there.-

The next morning, I was given back my belongings that were taken from me when I had first arrived and I went out to wait for James. I saw him pull up in the Big Time Rush mobile with Carlos and Dak. I got in and enjoyed the breeze on my face as we made our way back to the Palm Woods.

End Chapter

A/N: I guess this was more of a filler, I just wanted to try and capture Logan's confusion. Not sure I did a good job though.

Read and Review.