"You'll write Draco" his mother commanded sharply, "Like you were in first year again, yes?" this time it was more begging.
Draco would have been more understanding if this had not been the hundredth time she had brought it up, or if they were not standing at the platform while the train threatened to leave without him.
As it was, he was apprehensive at best about returning to Hogwarts and gave his mother an eye roll, "Of course mother, I'll write you too much" he said and stooped to kiss her cheek.
Then he turned on his heel and boarded the train. The last few weeks of summer had gone far too quickly. His days were filled with escaping the many women his mother tried to throw at him and his nights spent over a scalding cauldron, praying for the cure for his constant reminder to hate himself.
Anna had become somewhat of a pest, something like a fly lazily buzzing around his head and bothering him endlessly. Narcissa absolutely loved her and insisted that she come over for dinner often, which led to her and Draco being shoved together for little walks afterwards.
And while Anna was more than willing to repeat their previous… fun… Draco was adamant that she keep her bloody hands to herself. This did nothing to deter the blond, who took no hints that he was utterly uninterested.
His mother even went so far as to invite her to their Christmas celebrations, and now they must actually have one. Shame, Draco was rather fond of his own tradition, get shit wasted and brood. Ahh, that's rather depressing isn't it?
"Draco!" the blob with brown hair came at him so fast he only had time to turn before she was wrapped around his middle, squeezing like her life depended on it. Draco didn't respond, but cleared his throat.
Pansy backed away and grinned up at him, "Come on, we've got a compartment down here" she took his hand and dragged, he was reluctant to follow but put up no challenge to her.
People stared as he went by, with loathing clear in their eyes. Draco sighed, he didn't care that people thought that he was a monster because he was a monster. And no matter what other people thought, he was sure that he hated himself more than they ever could.
"Who do they think they are, staring at you like that?" pansy demanded shrilly, glaring at a 5th years boy who scurried away as soon as her frightening gaze rested on him.
Draco untangled himself from Pansy, "Leave it Pansy" he said.
"What? Your going to let them get away with hating you like that?" she demanded her hands on her hips.
Draco shrugged and turned, crashing into a girl, the girl started to fall and he caught her, accidently crushing her to his sculpted chest in the process. When he pulled back, shock crossed his face but he drawled out before he could remember to stay away from her, "Back for more Greengrass, I know my dancing was phenomenal but all you need to do is ask"
She jerked away from him and glared, rubbing her elbow a little, "Do you have a personality disorder Malfoy?" she hissed.
Pansy stepped up, jealousy clear in her dirty brown eyes, "What do you want?" she demanded of Astoria.
Astoria rolled her eyes, "Certainly not to fall on him, don't worry Parkinson you've got him locked nice and tight" she said, cooing like she was reassuring Pansy, which in turn infuriated her.
Pansy stomped her foot and started to throw a fit and Astoria rolled her eyes again, flipped her hair back nonchalantly and drifted off towards a different compartment.
Draco walked the short distance to where Daphne, Theodore and Blaise were sitting. He walked in and sat down, glancing briefly at the people in the compartment. Pansy followed shortly and tried to squeeze in next to Draco then she glared at Daphne, "Your sister is a stupid bitch" she said.
Draco stiffened slightly but shook it off, looking instead for Daphne to argue and defend her gorgeous and engaging sister, but she didn't, "Oh Merlin, What has she done this time?" she droned.
"She was practically humped Draco in the hall, it was-"
Draco gave her a scathing look stopping her mid sentence, "She tripped and I caught her. End of story" he rolled his eyes and muttered something alone the line of 'girls are so dramatic' earning a half smirk from Blaise who was promptly hit by Daphne.
Theo however was staring outside the compartment, into another one. Draco couldn't be bothered enough to see who captured his attention but guessed it was one of the seventh year Ravenclaws he used to go on about.
Pansy and Daphne had stopped their gossip and Pansy turned to Draco, putting her hand on his arm, "We didn't see enough of each other over the summer" she pouted, "I missed you" she leaned in for a kiss but Draco scooted away, shaking her hand off his arm as well.
Pansy looked heart broken and turned away sniffing, the others in the compartment looked awkwardly away and started conversations of their own.
By the time the train had arrived Draco was a nervous wreck, he couldn't ignore the comments or the looks he was receiving from everyone in the school on the train and he knew it would only get worse inside the great hall.
Nevertheless he stood, elegant as ever and entered the massive hall with all the others, taking a seat between Blaise and Nott, Pansy refused to sit next to him and was still pouting from their little tiff on the train. So dramatic.
Once everyone had entered the great hall and settled in Professor McGonagall stood up and walked to the front, raising her hands for silence she received it instantly.
"Now is a time that we can truly welcome you students back to Hogwarts. The war is over and our hearts our mending, the school received countless blows and has been fully restored to its former glory, and now we can truly honor your educations. It will be hard work to make up for the horrendous education that you received last year and we will be here for you to make that transition. It is time to make amends and time to open our hearts and minds to learning. Welcome back to Hogwarts" she smiled and there was a loud cheering, Pansy rolled her eyes but clapped and Draco clapped softly.
The sorting hat was set out and it cleared its throat then began to sing merrily,
"There's nothing hidden in your head
The Sorting Hat can't see,
So try me on and I will tell you
Where you ought to be.
You might belong in Gryffindor,
Where dwell the brave at heart,
Their daring, nerve ,and chivalry
Set Gryffindors apart;
You might belong in Hufflepuff,
Where they are just and loyal,
Those patient Hufflepuffs are true
And unafraid of toil;
Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw,
if you've a ready mind,
Where those of wit and learning,
Will always find their kind;
Or perhaps in Slytherin
You'll make your real friends,
Those cunning folks use any means
To achieve their ends.
The separation of war is over
The time to sort grows near
But unity is scarce
Even with nothing left to fear
Yes, yes, sort I will
But what once was divided
Needs to grown stronger
No longer one-sided"
"What?" Pansy screeched softly, "It wants us to be friends with them? Absolutely not" she said turning her pug nose up, thinking about the rather funny remark Astoria had made when they first met brought a smirk to Draco's face as he turned slightly to look for her at the Ravenclaw table.
He spotted her and almost instantly she turned to look his way, like the feeling of his eyes on her tipped her off, but Draco was able to look down before she actually met his eyes with her green ones that practically have him on his knees in front of her. Metaphorically speaking of course, Malfoy's kneel to no one.
Draco scarcely listened to the sorting, clapping only when his tablemates were joined with a new first year, looking terrified and awed at the same time. He drummed his fingers along the dark wood and had to fight himself to keep his eyes trained on the table instead of wandering in a certain dark haired beauty's direction, fearing that she would actually catch him this time.
Stop. He scolded himself. Why her? Why did you have to obsess over the most untainted Pure-blood?
He had no right to taint her, no right to take away the innocence she didn't even know she possessed, he shuddered when he remembered her fascination with his arm, embroidered forever with his mistakes and regrets.
Most people get to move on and dispose of reminders of their pasts, not Draco, he was afraid to admit that his dark mark would be there forever, he was terrified that he would have to spend his life staring down at the thing that caused him so much pain and despair and now self hatred.
His fingers twitched to roll the sleeve up and stare at the mark until he could throw up, needing to purge his body in some way on the evil that was marked on him. The evil that was a part of him. He was evil.
By the time the food appeared he was so deep in his self hatred he could hardly look at the food, let alone scarf it down like the rest of the great hall. He ate, for show mostly, so as not to draw attention to himself.
Little did he know a certain dark haired girl watched him poke around at the food and sighed to herself softly, wondering idly why he loved to torture himself so much.
When the feast ended he was the first to rise, looking down at his friends who all stared up at him, "I'll be up soon" he said shortly and walked briskly to the great doors, pushing them open he left in the throng of students exiting, but broke from the pack, moving with practice to a place that he knew would be empty. To a place that he could be alone, just like he wanted.
Wasn't that what he wanted? Why he was pushing her away? Why he pushed everyone away? To be alone, truly alone?
Possibly not, because the thought of being alone nearly forced him to stop walking. No, he didn't want to be alone, but he wanted to hate himself alone, and that's what he was going to do now, hate himself openly. Completely alone.
He stopped suddenly, staring at the empty wall for nearly 5 minutes before he could pinpoint what he actually wanted.
It was simple really.
I want to be utterly alone with myself.
I want to be utterly alone with myself.
I want to be utterly alone with myself.
The ornate door that haunts his memories appeared, expanding across the wall quietly and swiftly until it spanned the whole height of the wall and nearly two arm spans of Draco's.
He strode forward and pulled the door open, stepped in and gasped.
The room was medium sized, but appeared to go one forever, the mirrors that covered the length of every wall forced him to look at himself and never escape anything. It was perfect.
Here he could think without worrying.
He slide down the side of one wall, his knees brought to his chest as he remembered clearly like it was his first day again, his head lurched forward and rested in the palm of his hands and he sat for nearly an hour letting the memories wash over him numbly before rising and slipping down to the dungeons to get some sleep.