Less than a week after that horrible day, Ziva's milk dried up and Tony found her in tears again. He realized then that he'd never seen Ziva cry so much. Everything in the days following Zarah's funeral seemed to bring tears. It was something he almost didn't know what to do with, even during labour she hadn't cried.
She yelled, she screamed, she uttered what he was pretty sure were death threats in every language she knew plus a couple she might've made up. Tony had just smiled and let her squeeze his hand, pretending he didn't understand and hoping she would let him near her again when it was all over. Now he couldn't even think of doing that, the act that had put life in Ziva's womb, without remembering that the little life they'd rejoiced over was gone now.
Three days after she was discharged from the hospital alone, Tony walked past their daughter's room and caught a glimpse of Ziva kneeling on the floor, holding Zarah's toys. The small pink bear that was meant to be given to her the day they brought her home. A striped Zebra that Abby had found. And a baby doll that Ziva swore would not be allowed to become their daughter's favourite toy. Now they would never know.
It had been suggested that they bury Zarah with one of her toys, but Ziva had not been able to let any of them go, she felt they were all the reminders she had left of her little girl. So they put her in a beautiful white silk baby gown, and laid her to rest with a child-sized Star of David necklace around her neck, and the blanket Ziva had made - she'd learned to knit as soon as they discovered she was pregnant - tucked close around her little body.
Ziva's body was shaking with sobs so Tony went and knelt beside her, holding her tenderly as a few of his own tears fell on her hair. They stayed like that, on the floor of Zarah's room, crying and clinging to each other. Their grief was a deep well that seemed to know no end, but instead of growing apart, they constantly turned in need to find the other one right beside them. It killed Gibbs and the rest of the team to watch them go through it alone, but they knew that because Tony and Ziva were together, they were going to make it.
A week later Ziva started running again, and three months after she'd given birth, it would've been impossible for a casual observer to tell that she'd ever been pregnant. Only Tony, who knew what her clothes hid, only he got to see what Ziva called her 'mother's marks' - the faint lines on her now flat stomach and sides from where her skin had stretched as Zarah grew inside her.
NCIS
She cried the first time he made love to her, a month after they buried their daughter. It broke Tony's heart but she did not ask him to stop, and he used gentle hands and loving words to comfort her. It was slow and sad, an extension of their grief but also a reflection of their love for each other, as they touched and kissed their way through that long afternoon. Later, Ziva would call that moment 'beautiful', and tell Tony it made her feel alive again, connected to him, in a way nothing else had done since Zarah died.
Afterwards, on a bright sunny weekend that did not lift their spirits, Tony and Ziva brought boxes into Zarah's room and slowly packed up all of the things that had been set up for her. Neither of them could stand to look at her empty room any longer, still standing ready as if waiting for the little girl who had never come home.
Tony made sure he was always touching Ziva, always watching her eyes to see how badly it was affecting her, holding their daughter's things. And Ziva's gaze rarely strayed from her husband, watching as he put toys and blankets and baby things into brown boxes and taped them shut.
Twelve boxes were taken up and piled in their attic, labeled with permanent marker, stored with all their hopes and dreams for the little girl they would never get to watch grow up. Then husband and wife sat on the couch together, fingers linked, holding on tight because if they fell it was going to be together. There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide from any of this, including their heavy hearts, a constant reminder of what, or rather who, was missing.
On Monday Tony and Ziva were both back to work, each having used up weeks of sick days and bereavement leave to deal with their loss. The day was quiet and after awhile Ziva escaped to the basement shooting range to fire her weapon again and again, pouring anger and grief into each shot and practicing to make up for the months when she had not often held a gun. Tony immersed himself in paper work - his and Ziva's - as if it was a punishment. There was no joking, no slacking off, and he didn't say a word all day. That more than anything left others feeling on edge. They missed the real Tony and Ziva, not these shadows that had returned to them.
The team was cautious and hesitant around the couple, afraid to say or do anything that might make everything worse. Gibbs kept an eye on both his agents and almost wished for a case so they would have a distraction. McGee glanced at Tony and Ziva from time to time, but remained quiet. Ducky came up to visit once but found that there were no words he knew that would soothe or entertain. Even to try felt crass in light of recent events.
Abby waited until the end of the day to bring up the envelope full of pictures that she'd printed off. She left them on Ziva's desk and hugged both of them before turning to McGee and asking him with her eyes to follow her down to the lab. Ziva stared at the innocuous white envelope for several seconds before picking it up, and Tony immediately wrapped his hand around hers and lead her out to the car. She gripped the envelope tightly all the way home, and they sat on the couch together to open it.
The first picture had Ziva burying her face in Tony's shoulder as the tears leaked down her cheek. There she was, their beautiful baby. Although the life was already gone from her, Zarah appeared to only be sleeping. Photo after photo showed their daughter with each member of the team, and then multiple shots of her with Tony and Ziva. Lastly were pictures of the little family together.
Ziva softly caressed a close up shot of Zarah's face and murmured something in Hebrew.
"English Zi," Tony whispered, "don't shut me out." It was his greatest fear that one day Ziva would just retreat so deep inside herself that he would not be able to reach her, and then they would both be alone.
She turned those beautiful brown eyes towards him and brushed her knuckles down his cheek. "I am not Tony, you know those words. I only said that I love her, that we miss her."
He rested his head on top of hers. "Do you think the pain ever goes away?"
"No," she said slowly, "but I think it will get less. I just do not know when."
Ziva flipped through the stack of photos and drew out one of Tony holding Zarah and looking down at her in his arms. She stared at it for a long moment, trying to recapture the memory of watching him with their baby girl. Then Ziva pressed a kiss to it, folded the picture, and slid it into his shirt pocket over his heart.
"There," she whispered. "So you do not forget what it was like to be her daddy."
Tony kissed her then, hard, and Ziva pushed the envelope aside as she immediately reciprocated and leaned into him. His hands started wandering over her body and her fingers slid into his hair. They stumbled to their bedroom without letting go and fell onto the bed, letting their grief and sorrow be consumed by their desire for each other.
When it was over, Tony brushed back Ziva's sweaty curls and kissed away a tear on her cheek. "I love you Zi," he said hoarsely, keeping her against him.
Ziva traced a finger through the hair on his chest. "I know." She took a deep breath, holding in more tears. "Promise you will never stop?"
Tony hugged her tighter. "Not even when my heart stops beating. I will love you until the end of time Ziva DiNozzo."
"David-DiNozzo," she corrected with a small smile, not nearly insistent about it as she had been three years ago on their wedding day. Then she relaxed into his body. "You are my heart Tony, my home. I could not do this without you."
He pressed a kiss to her temple. "No such thing as 'without you', I promise honey."
Ziva nodded against his skin. "Good. I love you."
Their lips met and they drank in the comfort of each other, knowing that no matter what happened, they would be together.