Title: Katie's Mom
Rating: T+, for Travis's hormones and extreme perversion.
Summary: In which Travis develops an unlikely celebrity crush. Based off Stacy's Mom.
This story is… CONTINUED! A whole bunch of completely unrelated oneshots shall now be posted. I might put them in some sort of order when I'm done…mebbe…
Disclaimer: If I owned them, Nico and Hestia would've been together, Hermes would be Apollo's bitch, there would've been demi-Titans, The Son Of Neptune would've come out already, and it wouldn't have been so damned racist. (Seriously, almost every single character was white.) Don't own Some Like It Hot, either.
Katie can I come over after we leave Ma-anhattan? (Manhattan)
We can hang around by Demete-er's ca-a-a-abin (ca-abin)
Did your mom get back from her Olympus trip? (Olympus trip)
Is she there or is she tryna' give me the sli-i-i-i-ip? (Give me the slip..)
You know I'm not the little boy that I used to be.
I'm somewhat grown up now, Katie can't you see!
"It's so…big," worried Katie. She stared at it. The rest weren't nearly this big.
"It's okay," soothed Travis. "It'll fit fine."
"Maybe we should use a fake one," she deliberated. "They're a lot safer. No risks. Accidents can't happen."
Travis rolled his eyes. "Katie. Stop fussing. The rock will fit perfectly. Here, let me show you–" Travis picked up the last stone and dropped it into place, finishing the fire ring.
"It was made to be bigger than the rest," he explained patiently. "It is the one with her symbol on it." He pointed at the pieces of wheat.
"I know," she snapped, going back to her work on the fire pit.
Travis shifted the rock to fit better, and turned back to the framework of the shrine that he'd been working on. The hammer slipped and hit his thumb, and he let out a stream of curses in every language he knew, pretending not to see Katie's reproving glare.
Why'd HE get stuck doing this, anyway? It was SUPPOSED to be a punishment for the chocolate Easter bunnies, but his brothers and sister had gotten chores like cleaning the pegasi tack and teaching arts and crafts to the littles, whereas he was stuck here, helping build a new shrine to Demeter, in the middle of the woods with the bossy head counselor.
Unfair, he groused mentally. Chiron must hate him. No matter what he'd done or what his punishment was, he ended up doing the chore with Katie Gardiner. Goddamned old centaur, he thought irritably, swatting at a mosquito.
Well, trying to, at least.
A hand caught his an inch from the insect. The mosquito buzzed off, unharmed.
Travis gritted his teeth. Slowly, he put down the hammer – holding it was not a good idea; angry Hermes kids had bad history with hammers – and turned to look at Katie. "Why. Did. You. Just. Do. That," he growled. If she hadn't been a girl, he'd have slugged her right then and there.
She released his hand. "All life is precious, she said primly."
"Not that goddamned mosquito."
"Mosquitoes," Katie informed him, "provide a food source for birds and frogs, keep down the population of larger animals–"
"You are seriously telling me that animals should live so other animals can die?" Travis snorted, foul mood growing by the second.
"It keeps the ecosystem balanced, idiot! You WANT two hundred wolverines running around?"
"It'd give me SOMETHING to fight–"
Katie slapped Travis across the face.
"?" said Travis.
"Mosquito," said Katie innocently.
Travis was furious. Girl or nut, she was dead meat. "I'm gonna pulverize you–!"
Katie looked into the woods. "I see you," she said to nobody.
Travis blinked. "I'm, uh, right here…" he said, slightly nonplussed. Had Katie cracked?
Wait. The hammer was in his hand. When did that get there?
Why was red mist fading from his vision?
Then he saw someone step out from behind the trees. A tall, ripped someone, wearing black leather and wraparound sunglasses that concealed eyes like tiny suns, and looking totally out of place in the Snow Whitey forest.
"Hello, punks," Ares smirked.
Travis realized in a flash what Ares had done, where the irrational fury had come from. "I AM GOING TO TURN YOU INTO A PIECE OF CORNBREAD AND FEED YOU TO A BALD NARWHAL GOD WITH LEPROSY!" he yelled, advancing on the god with his hammer.
Ares' children threaten to pulverize you.
Hermes' children threaten to turn you into a piece of cornbread and feed you to a bald narwhal god with leprosy.
Who's the better dad?
Exactly.
And then Ares did something unbelievable. He held up his hands in the universal gesture of surrender. "Easy, kid. Just having some fun."
EEHHHH?
Ares was backing down from a fight?
Something was terribly, terribly wrong here. Maybe somewhere, somebody had divided by zero, or made stripes and plaid look good together, or finally convinced Hera that Zeus was in love with General Tso and not her. Something had just gone against all laws of the universe.
And then a goddess walked out of the tree – literally, straight out of the tree – and Travis understood completely.
Katie's mom has it going on,
She's all I want and I've waited so long,
Katie can't you see, you're just not the girl for me
I know it might be wrong, but,
I'm in love with Katie's mom.
The woman was gorgeous. She made her overalls and Wellies look like a designer gown. Beautiful, thick brown hair, interwoven with leafy twigs, framed a regal face with commanding green eyes. Slender vines blooming with small white flowers twined up and down her entire body, highlighting curves and setting off Travis's very active teenage imagination. Oh gods. Oh, gods. She was the hottest lady he'd ever seen.
"Hot damn," said Travis under his breath.
The age difference wasn't too much, was it? A few thousand years or so, no biggie…
Demeter frowned at him, glowered at Ares – he had clearly been annoying her – and smiled at her daughter. "Kathryn, I am here to bless your new shrine."
"Kathryn?" Travis muttered, barely holding in snickers.
"Shut up," she hissed back as Demeter continued.
"Ares–" she treated the god in question to a cold glare "–volunteered to travel here with me, so he could visit his children too."
Bull. The gods never visited camp unless it was to say something cryptic, maybe give a gift or two, and vanish again. Not to visit their kids. Especially not Ares. So…he was crushing on Demeter, too? His own aunt…Okay, that's just creepy.
Ares winked at Demeter. "And we could go for a spin in the chariot afterwards–"
Demeter politely informed him exactly where he could put his chariot.
Yep, Travis was definitely liking this lady.
Ares didn't even bat an eyelash, instead staring unashamedly at her chest, and Demeter's rage flared up. She told the younger god to do something unrepeatable with a cucumber, and then instructed him to go somewhere definitely further south than Georgia. He didn't, which was unfortunate because if Travis could've filmed it it would've been great blackmail material, but he did finally get a clue through his thick skull, and left in a burst of light.
Demeter muttered something foul in Greek, and strode towards the half-finished framework of the shrine, brushing past the lovestruck Travis. Not many people can stride convincingly, but Demeter was definitely one of them. She inspected the framework critically.
"Shoddy," she said.
Hey, I'm no Hephaestus, Travis wanted to say. Hermes never stayed in one place long enough to build anything anyway.
But all parts of his brain were occupied with the goddess. Oh, hormones. Happy days, happy days.
Demeter flicked her hands at the sloppy structure. Immediately, it stopped wobbling, and the wood – the wood grew together. The nails were spat out onto the forest floor, and the wood shaped itself into a graceful shrine, with vines and crops carved into the wood. The shrine seemed to sprout from the ground itself, fitting into the glade like a puzzle piece. It was perfect.
Katie materialized a few stalks – ears? Stems? Hermes wasn't too good with plants either – of wheat in her hand and placed them on the shrine. They went up in smoke immediately. How, you ask? Well, how the Hades would Travis know? Most sacrifices were done in the fire pit that they'd made, with regular or Greek fire. This must've been an initiation or something.
Travis smiled drunkenly at Demeter. Any lady who could make things spontaneously combust was fine by him. Hermes might not be great at plants or building, but he was the freaking INVENTOR of explosives.
Demeter scowled back at him. "Work, you moron." Travis nodded slowly, and began picking up the nails that the wood had regurgitated.
A mosquito buzzed near his ear, and he absently raised a hand to swat it.
Demeter caught the hand, letting the mosquito escape. "All life is precious," she reprimanded him.
"Uh huh," said Travis, in a daze. Demeter dropped the hand, and he recovered control of his brain just enough to look away as she vanished in an annoyed blast of light.
"Zowie," said Travis, smiling dreamily at the Demeter-shaped space that had formerly held a goddess.
Katie glared at him. "Let's go," she muttered, snatching up the tools they'd been using, and stalking off without even waiting for a response.
Travis broke out of his trance in time to stare after Katie in confusion. "What's got her panties in a twist?" he asked nobody in particular.
When the empty woods completely failed to provide an answer, he sighed and shook his head. "Women."
Katie's mom has it going on
Katie's mom has it going on
Katie, do you remember when I mowed the lawn? (At Demeter's temple)
You're mom came out with just a toga o-o-o-o-on (Toga on)
I could tell she liked me from the way she glared (The way she glared..)
And the way she said, "You really get in my ha-a-a-a-air" (Get in my hair)
And I know that you think it's just a fantasy
But I'm seven inches long; all girls love a guy like me!
(Sure you are, Travis. Sure you are.)
Travis was sweating like it was August in the Fields of Punishment and Zeus had finally figured out who had redecorated his temple with condoms, lace panties, and photoshopped pictures of the King of the Gods with two naked girls on each arm and the word ZEUS printed to (barely) cover the girls'…er…womanly areas.
The hot sun – which, contrary to the sluggish, lethargic, couch-potato-ly aura that usually indicated Apollo's August malaise, only hailed from early June – beat down unmercifully, and sweat dripped from every pore of Travis's skin. Although he knew fully that the sweat only added to the sex appeal of his ripped bare chest, as the hordes of giggling fangirls testified, he modestly pretended to have no idea why the number of girls ogling him was multiplying by the second.
…okay, okay, so that's a tiny, infinitesimal exaggeration. Tiny. Like ACTUAL size of that spider that Annabeth insisted was big enough to swallow her alive without even noticing kind of tiny.
So there weren't any fangirls; damn Conner, always monopolizing the market for Hermes boys. So he wasn't exactly ripped. So what?
Anyway, pretending he was a stud provided a welcome distraction from reality, which was that he was mowing the lawn outside Demeter's temple, he might catch heatstroke soon, and the reason he was there was nowhere to be seen.
Why Demeter needed a lawn cut was beyond him. As more or less the goddess of plants, you'd think she wouldn't want to feed them to the mobile grass guillotine, as he'd dubbed the lawnmower. I guess even gods are hypocrites, Travis thought. He then remembered that Zeus had forced Hera to swear to always obey him, and then proceeded to zip down to Earth, meet up with mortal women, and fuck like bunnies, pardon the expression. Make that 'ESPECIALLY gods are hypocrites'.
But Travis wasn't there to ponder the mysteries of the gods' cognition. He wasn't there because he was getting paid. He wasn't even there because Chiron had put him on a punishment with the Demeter cabin AGAIN. Nope, Travis was there for one simple reason:
Lust.
His hormone-filled brain would not forget Demeter. He hadn't noticed that there were special pancakes and coffee for breakfast that morning, and those were the staples of demigod life. When Conner mentioned that Travis must've been having really weird dreams cause he was moaning in his sleep a lot, he answered wistfully, "Wheat." He hadn't even noticed that Katie Gardiner had been getting snappier every time she saw him carving T.S. + D into some poor innocent tree, or doodling a cornucopia on his Ancient Greek homework.
Travis wanted only one thing: to see Demeter again. And so he'd volunteered for the uninviting job of lawn mowing. And of course Demeter hadn't shown.
I seem to be made to suffer, he thought mournfully. It's my lot in life. Any second now, the mower will melt, I'll keel over and die, and the love of my life will have to live forever knowing that she killed me–
"You're really getting in my hair, you know," said a dry voice behind him.
Travis jumped about a foot into the air. His heart kicked into overdrive, and his palms would've started sweating if they hadn't been slippery with perspiration already.
Demeter is here.
She was wearing a toga, and Travis gulped as he remembered that togas were worn commando. She was also glaring at him. "Listen, I'm flattered, but it's not going to happen, and you're being annoying."
"Uh huh," said Travis vacantly, staring somewhere that was definitely not her face.
Demeter snapped her fingers in front of his face. "I'm up here, nimrod! Listen to me!"
Travis raised his eyes unwillingly. "Demeter…"
He then did something that defied all laws of the known universe. (Besides the law that impossible things couldn't happen. Cause Ares had already broken that.)
He dropped down on one knee and said, with the sincerity of a Twilight fan's conviction in its writing quality, "Demeter, will you marry me?"
Katie's mom has it going on!
She's all I want and I've waited for so long!
Katie can't you see, you're just not the girl for me
I know it might be wrong
But I'm in love with Katie's mom
"Yes," said Demeter, with the seriousness of an hour on Dr. Demento.
"Really?" asked Travis eagerly.
"No!" she shouted in exasperation.
Tears welled up in Travis' eyes. "Why not?"
Demeter was suddenly at a loss. What would drive him off? "First off, I'm not a natural blonde," she said. Well, it was true. She wasn't even unnaturally blonde. She was brunette. But in his state, Travis probably wouldn't notice.
Sure enough, "Doesn't matter," he said cheerfully.
"I smoke!" cried Demeter. "All the time!" Out of her ears, but it was still technically true…
"I don't care," said Travis, smiling like the idiot he was.
"I have a terrible past!" yelped the goddess. "For three millennia I've been living with a saxophone player!" Also true. Apollo played sax once. It was the most traumatizing experience she'd ever had.
"I forgive you," grinned Travis. He could tell that he was winning.
"I can NEVER have children!" Demeter went on. Not true at all. She had oodles of children. If he had any brains in his head, he'd realize that. So naturally he didn't.
"We can adopt some," he said happily.
Ugh! Will NOTHING work? Hm…just maybe… Demeter shifted her appearance to that of a middle-aged man. "Travis, you don't understand! I'm a man!"
"Well, nobody's perfect!" he smiled.
Demeter groaned and put her head in her hands.
Katie's mom has it going on!
She's all I want and I've waited for so long..!
Katie can't you see, you're just not the girl for me
I know it might be wrong but oh oh...
I'm in love with (Katie's mom oh ahh)
I'm in love with (Katie's mom oh ahh)
Katie can't you see, you're just not the girl for me
I know it might be wrong, but I'm in love with Katie's mom.
Demeter then turned to threats.
"I will cut off your testicles with a frying pan, fry them in the pan, and serve them to you for dinner," she growled.
"Feisty," approved Travis.
"I'll tie you up with dental floss and let you starve to death!"
"Kinky," smirked Travis.
He doesn't sound like a teenager, Demeter thought. More like a perverted old man. "I'll whip you until you beg for mercy!"
"Wow," Travis whistled. "Wouldn't have pegged you for being into SM. I can definitely comply, though."
Demeter gritted her teeth. She only had one threat left in her arsenal. "I," she said, suddenly as smug as a cat about to win a game of chess, "will force your father to turn off your Internet access."
BOOM.
If minds were dynamite, Travis would've just shaken the earth. Synapses died horrible, painful deaths. His eyes bulged, and strangled words choked their way out of his throat. "You-you-wouldn't-can't-no-I-"
Demeter smiled. She had him.
Travis regained control of his mouth. "You WITCH!" he howled. "That is CRUEL and UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT and is outlawed by the Constitution! You are a cold, shrewish ogress!"
Normally Demeter would've incinerated the little brat for insulting her like that. But this was too enjoyable to destroy. She smirked as he went on with his rant. "I will never, never, ever marry you! No matter how much you ask! NEVER, YOU HEAR ME? NEVER!" And with that, Travis abandoned both the mobile grass guillotine and Demeter, tearing across the half-mown lawn and crashing through the woods until he reached his pegasus. He mounted in a flash and took off, screaming through the sky like a F-15 Eagle on steroids.
When Travis touched down on the camp beach, he staggered straight into the water and dove into the waves. The cool water washed away most of his sweat, and he straightened up, shuddering but refreshed.
"Dude, what the hell happened to you?" said a voice behind him. Conner.
Travis turned around. If his brother's reaction was any judge, he looked like an overheated ghost. He explained the tale in a few short sentences, and twitched at the memory.
Conner cogitated the story for a solid ten minutes. Then he looked up, presumably to say something encouraging.
"Wasn't that Chiron's mobile grass guillotine?" he pointed out. "He'll want it back."
Travis froze.
"Shit."
FIN
General Tso, if you were wondering, is the Almighty God of MSG… ZeusxGeneralTso is the First True Pairing of the PJO fandom. ApolloxHermes and NicoxHestia are tied for second. (I'm cool with Percabeth, but it's overdone.)
…So I make up crazy crack pairings, so what?
And if you don't know what an F-15 Eagle looks like, it's Starscream from Transformers.
R&R?