Title: One Big Happy Family

Rating: T, for the story about Aphrodite

Summary: Nobody's ever really gone into detail about the relationships between the Olympians. Nobody's ever really wanted to. With all that business about inbreeding and recessive genes (okay, they don't have genes per se, but you get the idea), it's no wonder they came out so screwed up.

A/N: While talking to OwlInAMinor, I mentioned how creepy it was that Zeus arranged a marriage between his aunt and his son. Which led straight to this.

Btw, all the mythology stories in here are true and off the top of my head.

"Hey Katie?" called a voice. A voice that had become all too familiar in the five years since she'd first heard it.

Katie sighed and tilted her head back to see an upside-down Travis Stoll and trees doing handstands in the sky. She inwardly groaned. "I'm busy," she said. "What do you want?"

"Quite busy," he agreed, "sitting at the top of the cliff and staring at the ocean." He dodged her smack, and plopped down beside her very much uninvited. "Anyway. You seen your cuzzo around?"

"Which one?" she inquired, too relaxed to yell at him for bothering her. She had three demigod cousins, and about a million mortal ones.

"Emo? Son of Hades? Horde of fangirls following his every move? Also your step-nephew?" Travis looked sideways at Katie, one eyebrow raised quizzically.

He really did look like an elf, Katie thought absently. An imp. He had a sort of leprechauny look on his face.

Then his words hit her, and she froze in shock.

"Nico is my step-nephew?"

"Well, yeah," said Travis, as if it were obvious. "I mean, Persephone's your sister, right? Cause you're both daughters of Demeter? And she's Nico's evil stepmother. So he's your step-nephew."

"Huh," said Katie thoughtfully. "I never really thought about that. Hades is sort of pedophilic, then, if he married his niece."

Travis shrugged, the picture of nonchalance. "Kronos and Zeus married their sisters. Hephaestus married his great-aunt slash sister. It's normal."

Great aunt slash sister?

"…wut," said Katie.

"Aphrodite is a daughter of Ouranos," Travis explained. Of course he said it ur-AY-nus. He's TRAVIS, for gods' sake. "When Kronos brought him down, he castrated his father and threw the genitals into the ocean. From the sea foam rose Aphrodite. So technically Hephaestus married his great-grandfather's kiwis–"

"Please stop talking," said Katie, feeling slightly sick. "I feel very uncomfortable about being related to these people. Can you just explain the 'sister' part?"

"Sure," agreed Travis readily. "The real Aphrodite is the one born from Ouranus's balls–"

The way he says Ouranos, that sentence brings up very strange mental images, thought Katie.

"–but later on, two views of her developed. One, the 'real' Aphrodite and also the 'heavenly' Aphrodite, stood for emotional love. The other, who was a daughter of Zeus and the 'common' Aphrodite, was all about lust and such. There's really only one, as we all know, but it's a pretty cool story."

"Cool," said Katie, "but seriously screwed up." She shuddered. The real Aphrodite was born from your anus's balls…MUST...BLEACH...BRAINS...

"We're a screwed-up family," shrugged Travis. "Aphrodite is Zeus's aunt. I wonder if he ever calls her Auntie?" he added thoughtfully.

"Words fail me," said Katie truthfully. Not just at the thought, which was disturbing enough, but that Travis could come across as such a moron and then whip out a PhD in Greek mythology.

Then again, it was probably just because of the story about Aphrodite's…er…unconventional birth. But clearly he knew more than the average camper.

"And Artemis is my aunt," Travis went on. "Auntie Arty," he snickered.

A wolf exploded out of the woods behind them, growled threateningly in Travis's face, and raced back into the forest.

"…" said Katie.

"Really, Auntie?" Travis shouted after the wolf. "Hmph. Bet she wouldn't be as casual if she'd realized that the boy who was hitting on her lieutenant is her nephew."

"And that said lieutenant is her sister," put in Katie, casually laying back again.

Travis patted her sun-warmed head approvingly. "That's the spirit." He dodged her halfhearted smack.

For a few minutes, they were quiet, drinking in the sunlight and watching Long Island Sound sparkle in the sunlight.

"Hey," said Katie suddenly, "did it ever occur to you that Chiron is my uncle?"

"Wow," said Travis in amazement. Some things were best left unpondered.

The son of Hermes and daughter of Demeter pondered their complex family anyway.

Suddenly, something hit.

"Oh my gods!" said Katie, at the same time that Travis yelled "HOLY MINX IN A MINY MUFFIN!" They both started babbling, words overlapping.

"If Demeter's my mom–"

"If Hermes is my dad–"

"–and Demeter is Zeus's sister–"

"–and Zeus is Hermes' dad–"

"HOLY SHIT!" the horrified demigods shrieked. "WE'RE COUSINS!"

Cousins once removed, actually. It just didn't have the same ring to it.

So should Travis and Katie move to Alaska, Alabama, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Maryland, Massachusetts, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Tennessee, Vermont, Virginia, Washington D.C., or Shelbyville?

…they live in New York anyway. R&R?