6

A/N: There's been a bit of a heat wave here, so my writing has suffered for it. Today is the first day it has been below 95 for the past week, and of course, I'm staggered with a huge headache. Oh well. Still don't own Glee.

Malleable

Chapter 3: Wearing the Mask

2010SamPOV

After seeing my future self get beamed up, so to speak, I was at a bit of a loss. My future self had been rather ineffective at accomplishing what he had set out to do. He hadn't really given me a plan of attack to carry out.

You'd think that with all the research and preparation that went into taking a trip through time, that he would have a game plan. I paced my room, uncertain of what to do. I settled for listening to some more of the mp3's that Kurt had sent to my email address. A good portion of it was music I was unfamiliar with, like a song called "Rose's Turn" which was really amazing. I listened to that one a couple of more times. I thought it was original at first, because he talked about his personal experiences with Rachel Berry, and his dad. I looked it up on YouTube and it was part of a Broadway work called Gypsy. The song had been sung by a whole bunch of names that I didn't recognize like Patti LuPone, Bernadette Peters, and Ethel Merman, to name a few. I'm sure that Kurt could tell me all about them.

It was a very emotionally angry performance from him, which seemed to be uncharacteristic of Kurt. It made me wonder about him. His relationships to other people in the club, his relationship with his father. Whether or not he had any friends outside of Mercedes.

While not alone, he certainly was isolated due to being gay. Something I shared with him, but I wasn't out and didn't maintain a demeanor that suggested that I was. The not being out aspect certainly opened doors to me that would have been shut otherwise. I wondered what would happen if I did come out. I was on the injured list for football, so I was sidelined. Eventually, though, I did want to get back into it. Would my teammates be willing to follow my lead? I highly doubted it. As it was, the non-Glee members of football barely tolerated Finn's Quarterbacking of the team, and that was because he didn't exactly challenge the conclusions that they had drawn. He didn't seem too keen on defending Kurt from them either. Fortunately, I could defend myself.

So, being the quarterback probably wasn't an option. I was reasonably sure that Coach Beiste would find a position for me if I still wanted to play. For that matter, I was sure that Beiste wouldn't put up with any shit from the team. Realistically, though, there was only so much that she could do.

I opened my backpack and took out a notebook. I tore a blank piece of paper out of it, and created two columns labeled pros and cons. This was how my father made decisions. In the cons column, I wrote football. I also wrote friends, because I would lose some, and others wouldn't want anything to do with me. At least, that's what Finn said. Conversely, I didn't think that I would want anything to do with people who would be unwilling to be friends with me if I were friends, or more with Kurt.

On the other hand, Finn had lied to me about Glee being a route to popularity. The slushie to the face that I had got on Friday was proof of that. Finn also said that singing a duet with Kurt would be a death sentence. Looking over the evidence, it seemed rather scant. Why would singing a duet with Kurt be a death sentence? According to Finn's logic, it would be because singing a duet with a guy would be not keeping a low profile. Yet, who would know about it? I mean, it's not like the Glee members in football actually talked about Glee to members of the football team. We got made fun of for our participation in Glee, but we didn't talk about what we did in there.

For that matter, the Cheerios in Glee club were unlikely to also talk about Glee in Cheer practice. They didn't want to earn the ire of Sue after all. So, that just left 3 people. Tina, Artie, and Mercedes. Mercedes would be happy for Kurt that I was willing to sing with him. I doubted that Tina and Artie would care. However, that only dealt with the people in the club. There were the AV Club people, the band people who practiced with us as well. Who was to say who they would tell or how they would react? Maybe Finn was on to something after all.

So, my future self was right that I would be sacrificing popularity as well. I wrote that under the Cons list along with Football and friends, with a question mark next to friends.

Still nothing in the pros column.

I wrote Kurt's name in the Pros column. My future self seemed convinced of his worth. Again, I wished that he would have given me more insight. He was like Albus Dumbledore in that he was withholding vital information from me that I needed to know to complete a task that was important to him.

That said, Kurt seemed like a nice guy. He had went out of his way to introduce himself to me, and welcome me to the club. He had figured out my hair secret a little too rapidly, but that wasn't necessarily a character flaw. I just had to trust my future self and believe that he was worth fighting for.

I added honesty to the pros column as well. It's difficult to live a lie every day. You compartmentalize a part of yourself and seal it off from the world. Every day. One slip up, and things fall apart. Even a misinterpreted look, smile, or frown could potentially be cause for downfall. I had worn that mask at the boarding school back in Tennessee. It hid me from the world and kept me safe. It also didn't let anyone in.

I had borrowed the concept of a mask from a poem by Paul Lawrence Dunbar that I had read my Freshman year there. Never let them see you vulnerable. Always wear a false mask to hide the pain. I wore the mask to keep myself from the world. So did Kurt, in that he didn't show his pain to the world. We had that much in common, which could be a starting point.

My thoughts on the subject at hand were interrupted by the front door opening, and my family coming in from church. They came back after service to get me so we could go out for lunch afterwords. I put on a polo and some khakis and went down to join them. My dad, Edward, was walking up the stairs, undoing his tie and rolling his neck.

He asked, "Are you going to Breadstix with us?"

I replied, "Yeah."

He walked up the stairs to put his tie and jacket away, I continued downstairs to see my mom, Ellen, and my brother and sister, Stevie and Stacy down there. Stacy and Stevie rushed toward me, Stacy hugging my leg, and Stevie colliding with me.

"They're glad to see that you'll be joining us for lunch, dear." my mom said.

We walked out to the SUV and I buckled Stacy in the back along with myself and Stevie. My mom took the passengers seat, and my dad came out a couple of minutes later and backed the SUV out of the driveway. He turned on the radio to the oldies station, and in a funny coincidence, they were playing "Here Comes the Sun". I found myself singing along to it, which earned me a surprised glance from my dad.

"Didn't know you knew the Beatles?"

"A friend of mine sent me an mp3 of him singing this song. It's part of an assignment for Glee Club."

"Oh." My father replied, shrugging his shoulders subconsciously.

"Was it Finn who sent you that?" My mom said, innocently.

"Nah, I'm not paired with him for this project."

The conversation luckily was temporarily halted by our arrival at Breadstix. We got out and walked in. My dad put our name in at the reservation desk and my mom sat down with Stevie and Stacy to wait.

"Hello Ed." I turned my head to see Russell Fabray, and a woman I didn't recognize come in. She was wearing a red coat, which went along with her red hair and red glasses.

"Russell, Ms. Albertson, it's good to see you." My father said in a tone that suggested quite the opposite. It was polite, which I recognized, but it was also sarcastic, if you knew where to spot the inflections. They didn't. My mom smiled privately to herself.

Russell's gaze turned my way. "Didn't see you at church this morning Sam."

"Quite right. I've been having a theological struggle." I replied.

"It's the secular liberal fag agenda in those public schools Edward. That's why I home school my kids." Ms. Albertson replied with the zeal of a true believer.

"Tammy, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use that term around my children. It's inappropriate." My father said.

"What, secular?" Tammy Jean Albertson said.

"Tammy, I think Ed means fag. It's an offensive term, and shouldn't be used in front of my 8 year old son and 5 year old daughter." my mother replied tartly.

"Quite right. I have no problem with the term, but if it will make you feel better, I apologize for offending you." Tammy said in a monotone voice.

"Anyway, Tammy and I are here to meet with some contributors for the campaign. You'll be down to party HQ on Wednesday for the meeting, right, Ed?" Russell asked.

"Yeah, I plan on being there. Debate prep right?" my dad inquired

"Yep, you'll play the role of Charles Jordan." Russell said.

"See you then." my dad said as they went to their table. A grin split his face, making him look 10 years younger.

"Go easy on her Ed." my mom said.

"But, honey, I wouldn't be doing my duty to the party if I did that. Charles Jordan won't go easy on her. Frankly, it won't make a difference either way. She won't learn or listen. She's going to lose a district that has been Republican for 40 years." Dad said shaking his head.

"What's a fag?" Stevie asked

Me, I thought to myself.

"It's a bad word. You're not to use it." Mom replied.

I wondered if they knew. There weren't any obvious indicators that I broadcast out to the world, was there? I felt better about the situation at hand after that conversation that my parents had with Mr. Fabray and Ms. Albertson, that's for sure. I made plans to tell them this evening after my brother and sister went to bed.

The server called out our name and we took our seats. I hadn't had a chance to examine the menu at Breadstix yet, so I took a look at it. It was an Italian themed restaurant, so a lot of the choices were loaded with carbs. I'd probably hate myself for a couple of weeks if I ate most of the choices. I settled on getting a bottomless salad bowl with low fat dressing. The waitress came by and took our orders and we settled in to wait.

"So, who was that lady with Mr. Fabray, dad?" I asked.

My father frowned, "She's Tammy Jean Albertson. She's the congressional candidate for this district, and she's a disaster."

"So, why are you helping her?"

He templed his fingers and thought about it for a minute before hesitantly replying, "I'm not really helping her, per se. I'd say that I'm helping the rest of the members of the Allen County Republican Party see that there are better options. I see this opportunity as a teaching lesson."

"What if she wins dad?"

"Well, I don't think she will, and if she does, it won't be because of anything I did. It'll be a personal failure on my part if she does win. I'm doing the debate prep with her to show members of the party not to vote for her." Dad said, taking a drink of his coke

"Ok, dad." I said as I took a sip of water.

"Can we talk about something else?" My mom asked.

"Sure, dear. How's your shoulder doing?" Dad asked, gesturing with a breadstick at my shoulder that had been dislocated the week before.

"It's getting better. It doesn't really hurt anymore, but Coach Beiste is keeping me out for a couple of weeks to make sure that it's 100%. She doesn't want me to re-injure it."

"That's good. Let us know when you'll be taking the field."

"Will do."

"Does this mean you can give us piggy back rides now, Sammy?" Stacy asked.

"Yeah, does it?" Stevie echoed.

"Sure!" I replied.

"How's school going, dear?" My mom asked.

"It's going alright. I like my astronomy class, and we're reading Kurt Vonnegut in English, so it's good." I said.

"Harrison Bergeron is a good short story of his. Wouldn't be surprised to see the President name Diana Moon Glampers to his cabinet if he gets a second term." Dad mused sarcastically.

"Haven't read it. We're reading Cat's Cradle."

The waitress brought over our food on a platter. I helped cut up Stacy's pasta, before I sprinkled some of the dressing on the salad I had ordered. Conversation ebbed as we ate. My dad grimaced as he bit into a breadstick.

"For a place that calls itself breadstix, these are kind of mediocre." he said, setting it down.

I smiled to myself, recalling the hype that had been generated over this place in Glee club on Friday, when Mr. Schu gave out the duets assignment. Mind you, there probably weren't any other good restaurants here in Lima, and Columbus was an hour and half away roughly. So, there you go.

We finished up, and Dad got the tab. I gave Stacy a piggy back ride to the SUV to show her that I could. She squealed happily as I boosted her up. I envied her in that moment. She was easily happy. We drove back to our house, and I got out of the car, letting Stevie jump onto me so I could carry him into the house.

I went up to my room and started in on my homework. Astronomy was relatively easy, and I got that done relatively quickly. It took me a little longer to read the next 40 pages in Cat's Cradle, but I eventually got that done as well.

I turned towards my computer and started it back up. I went to Google and looked up duets for guys. Clicking on the first website that came up, I scrolled through the posts looking for some useful songs. There was one from Rent called "I'll cover you" which was about two gay guys in love which seemed a little risque. It also didn't make any sense to sing that, seeing as I wasn't in love with Kurt.

Some of the choices came up repeatedly, like "We can do it" from the Producers, and "You're nothing without me" from City of Angels. I looked them both up on YouTube and opened my email. I emailed Kurt the links to both of the videos. I thought he'd like both suggestions. I closed out my email, and went downstairs to the living room. My dad was in there with Stevie watching the Minnesota Vikings lose. I chuckled to myself seeing Brett Favre throw another interception, before I sat down.

Dad flipped through the channels to catch the various games that were going on, not spending much time on any of them as they were all wrapping up. We settled into a comfortable silence as we watched the next set of games. Occasionally, one of us would remark on a play that was made, or not made. Mom and Stacy came back from the grocery store, and I helped bring in groceries for the week.

Mom cooked dinner, and Dad relented and turned off the television, going into the kitchen to help Mom out with dinner. Generally, that involved him getting in her way. Tonight was no different. Watching them interact made me think about my own future. Would Kurt, if I ended up with him in a long term relationship, and I, act like my parents were? Would we adopt kids, or have a surrogate? Did I want kids? Did he?

My train of thought was interrupted by my mom calling us in for dinner. In keeping with my dietary needs, she had grilled fish with a lemon glaze, along with steamed vegetables. I had an iced tea, and dug in. My siblings weren't so inclined, but eventually they were cajoled into finishing their dinner as well.

After dinner, mom and I cleared dishes, and dad set up his laptop and began typing away at it. Occasionally he would pause, delete a line, or phrase, and began typing away again. He had some windows open to news sites, and I deduced that he was doing research for Wednesday. My brother and sister took their baths, and ended up in bed by 9. I nervously paced around upstairs as it dawned on me that I was about to take off the mask that hid me from the world.

I had to force myself to take the initial step down the stairs. I gripped the banister until my knuckles turned white. My body didn't seem to want to cooperate with me. I forced myself to take the steps one at a time, till at last, I was downstairs. I released the banister from my grip, and willed myself forward into the living room.

My parents were engrossed in something on TV that I didn't recognize, and I cleared my throat to get their attention.

My dad looked up at me, "Yes, Sam?"

I couldn't find my voice. I stared at them, tongue tied. My mother looked over at me.

"Is everything alright Sam?"

Her voice broke through to me, and I was able to un stick my tongue from the roof of my mouth.

"Mom, Dad, I-I-I'm gay."

A/N: I thought this was a good cut off point. It means there will be 2 more chapters after this one.