I don't do Zelda timeline theorizing, but I always find it silly when people dogmatically insist that every single Link linearly descends from a previous Link. This story was written to flesh out how absurd I find this concept. Hopefully you'll laugh along the way. Enjoy.

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The Legend of Zelda

Another Day at the Office

Episode 1: Evil Plan #1160

Wizzrobe fidgeted at the edge of his, well—wizzrobe—which once again displayed the annoying tendency of riding up his wizardly bits. Not for the first time, he questioned the wisdom of having all-powerful sorcerers gallivant around with nothing on but a rather effete nightgown. He would need to take this issue up with his boss, Ganondorf, at the next staff meeting.

Wizzrobe groaned aloud as he realized—painfully—that he was sitting at a staff meeting; or at least waiting for one. The entire Staff of Evil were huddled around the sleek, obsidian table as they sipped coffee and nervously gossiped about an all too obvious subject—while Ganondorf could be as much as two months late with everyone's paycheck, he was never, ever late for a staff meeting.

Wizzrobe spontaneously conjured a clock out of the ethereal magic of the universe. 10:30—half an hour late. The conversation predictably drifted since order was painfully absent—with Veran reconstructing in delicious detail how Majora got utterly wasted at the Christmas Party of Evil only two months ago. Veran was quite unkind, of course. If a ten pound mask drinks a twenty pound wine cooler, disaster is naturally going to result—t'wasn't his fault he couldn't hold twice his weight in alcohol.

Majora and Veran's discussion became increasingly heated until the large double doors at the end of the room burst open—and out stepped the most mutilated individual Wizzrobe had ever seen.

"Sorry I'm late." Ganondorf groaned as he tried to catch some bit of brain trying to ooze out of a gaping hole in his forehead. "My brilliant plan to conquer Hyrule by purchasing low cost beach property and flipping it for massive gain was foiled."

Across the room Vaati put down his nail file. "Oh? They cut off the tax loophole of doom we planned to use?

Ganondorf grimaced as he tried—in vain—to reattach a severed ear back onto his skull. "Say again?"

Vaati's eyebrows rose in what must have been the emo-vampire equivalent of surprise. "Oh never mind. Well, who did this to you? The King?"

Ganondorf made a rueful snicker. "Ha! No."

Vaati thoughtfully rubbed his chin. "One of the Knights of Hyrule?"

"No."

Ghoma clattered her chelicerae together. "The transvestite ninja?"

"No."

Zant cocked his bizarre mask to one side thoughtfully. "Is it Tingle?"

"Surprisingly no. Believe it or not, it was once again that Peter Pan Fairy Boy."

Vaati crooked an eyebrow. "Peter Pan Fairy Boy? You mean, what was his name . . . ?"

"Link!" Somebody from telemarketing finally offered in triumph.

"Ah yes, Link." Vaati continued. "Well that is surprising. That's only the one thousandth one hundred and fifty-ninth time he's foiled your plan of evil, sir."

Wizzrobe stirred uncomfortably. "Tell me, how have we tried to deal with this . . . Link before?"

"I can answer that," said Greg from Human Resources. "Initially, when we discovered that Link was imbued with divinely granted powers, we would usually try to steal somebody important from him: a princess, a relative, a friend, etc. We were gambling on the fact that he would be too much of a pansy to actually do anything about it, let alone try to actually rescue them . . . Then we discovered his divinely inspired power was courage."

"Then," Ganondorf interjected, "We had the idea of simply leaving him alone and hoping that the flowering of his youth and his innate ambivalence towards the fate of the cosmos would prevent him from becoming involved in our efforts to bring about mass genocide. However, this hasn't been that successful either. In every generation there is at least one Link that becomes a pain in the ass."

"Excuse me," Tina, Ganondorf's secretary, craned her head in the door. "Mr. Dragmire, your wife is on Line 2."

Ganondorf stroked the fire red of his chin curtain. "Send her to my voicemail—of evil!"

Gratuitous evil laughter erupted across the boardroom.

"So," Wizzrobe intoned cautiously, "It seems to me that if we can simply eliminate Link as a threat, then there is nothing stopping us from world domination. We just have to isolate him somehow…"

Ganondorf grinned in a way that made everybody in the boardroom sexually uncomfortable. "I'm glad you mentioned that, because in my brilliantly devised Evil Plan #1160, we shall begin by sending Link a ticket for an all-expenses paid week long trip to Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland Theme Park and Juggling Academy. With the prospect of week-long economical family fun, Link will be out of the picture forever. My plan cannot fail! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" At this, mandatory evil laughter joined Ganondorf's, the unenthusiastic cackles rebounding off the executive tile.

"Hey!" An indignant voice—probably Jeff from Marketing—droned, "Those tickets were supposed to be part of the office pool!" It was probably not terribly coincidental that as soon as he finished speaking he burst into violet flame.

"As I said, my plan cannot fail."

Renewed bewilderment blossomed over Wizzrobe's crone face. "So, if I understand you correctly sir, your premise is that if you give Link tickets to an amusement park for a week, you will be able to conquer Hyrule, the world, the universe, etc. Is that correct?"

"More or less." Ganondorf replied evenly.

"Sir, why not just simply take care of his family?"

Ganondorf seemed to chew on the idea for moment. "That's a brilliant idea. I'm so glad I thought of it. We'll give Link's entire family tickets too." The burnt, charred remains of Jeff groaned.

"Sir, uh, that's not precisely what I am suggesting. Every Link descends from the same bloodline, correct?"

"Naturally," Ganondorf replied dismissively.

"So why don't we simply look up the family's address and wipe them out? Or track down Link and cut off his 'Master Sword?' We could forcibly turn him into a eunuch."

Ganondorf scratched absently at his fiery mane. "Um…don't follow."

Wizzrobe sighed deeply at the futility of it all. Just when he was about to give up all hope, Vaati's emo-vampiric voice nasally chimed. "Sir, do you know about the, uh . . . birds and the bees?"

Ganondorf, obviously perplexed, beckoned Vaati to the end of the obsidian table where he proceeded to whisper in the King of Evil's half severed ear.

"Really!" Ganondorf exclaimed after a few moments of awkward silence. A few more moments passed. "That's just . . . wow." Ganondorf muttered, shaking his head. "So what you are telling me is that if we kill Link and his family, there will be no more Hero of Courage?"

Wizzrobe made a sigh of relief. "Yes sir, that's exactly what we are telling you."

Ganondorf smile triumphantly. "Well… now we simply need to find Link's family!"

Wizzrobe nodded. "Yes sir, I am googling them right now, and—"

"To the Hall of Records!" Ganondorf exclaimed.

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Ganondorf returned approximately twenty minutes later, a rather self-satisfied smile etched across his still gory features.

Veran was the first to break the silence and inquire into the obvious: "Well!"

Ganondorf positively beamed. "Found his address and family. Helps when you're the one family in the books without a last name. I sent the Flying Tentacle Monster of Evil after him. It's all been taken care of."

Wizzrobe nodded, perhaps a bit surprised it had all worked out as well as it did. "What now?"

Ganondorf shrugged. "Well, I don't know about you fags, but I'm going to Tingles Rosy Rupeeland and Juggling Academy."

A/N: I certainly had a lot of fun writing this. This is obviously meant to be a one-shot, but I have a few other ideas for this type of story—so if you're interested please read and review. Thanks.