A/N : I struggled a little with this chapter trying to strike a balance between making it believable and not boring readers with too many details. I think I managed to do it, but haven't had it beta-ed. So if you see any glaring discrepancies, please let me know. When I started writing this, I was making it up as I went but I now have a pretty good outline of where I will be taking the next few chapters. For one, it's going to be Caskett all the way from here on out. It will get lighter as we go and will even go 'M' eventually. So bear with me dear readers - The painful part of the story is almost done.

Since I am writing this story separately from Rick and Kate's POV with flashbacks to fill in the gaps in time, I am starting this chapter with a paragraph from an earlier chapter to put this one in context story-wise. Italicized part is from the earlier chapter.

Usual Disclaimers apply : I don't own anything.

-x-x-

Kate and Lanie (Back Parking lot of command center)

"In a bit, but let's get some fresh air first. Besides I have told Javi to call us if there is any development." Kate thought of arguing but changed her mind and followed Lanie out the back. She wasn't quite ready to face the situation in the command center yet. Stepping into the cool night air she breathed in deeply. From here she could make out the circus in the front parking lot of the building. A variety of law enforcement vehicles and tv vans were parked out front behind the barricades. There was a smattering of cops in the rear parking lot but Kate and Lanie were both wearing NYPD hoodies and didn't get a second glance from the cops. They walked over to one of the parked cars in a relatively secluded area of the parking lot and sat down on the hood. After a few seconds of silence Lanie asked, "So…what happened, Kate?" At first Kate was quiet- she even considered pretending like she didn't understand Lanie's question. But now was not the time for all that. And Lanie deserved to know the truth. She had been there for Kate more times than she could count. As for Kate, she realized she had everything bottled up so for so long she was afraid she was going to suffocate if she didn't unburden herself of it soon. So she took a deep breath and started talking, "It was the night of the Heat Wave premiere party…"

After Kate had told Lanie everything that had happened, no words were exchanged for a while. Kate was crying openly by now and even Lanie's eyes had teared up. She let her friend get it all out, providing silent support by rubbing slow circles on her back. She couldn't imagine being in Kate's place. If anything ever happened to Javi…..she didn't even finish the thought. After a few minutes Kate managed to get her emotions under control and wiped her face on the sleeves of her hoodie.

She looked sideways at Lanie's silent form and said quietly. "I really screwed it up this time huh?"

Lanie shook her head slowly and said, "If I know anything about your stubborn writer, it's that he is not one to give up easily and he cares for you deeply…."

But Kate was already shaking her head even before the words left Lanie's mouth. "Not this time Lane - this time he didn't come back. This time he actually stayed away. You said it yourself – he wouldn't stay away no matter what I said. But he did Lanie. He did give up …..on us "

The last two words were said so softly, Lanie wasn't sure she actually heard them. Kate's eyes were starting to tear up again. Lanie stepped in front of Kate and lifted the detective's chin.

"Well then you fight for him honey. YOU do the chasing this time Kate. YOU do the proving. He has more than proved his feelings …and himself to you. Hell the man was even willing to take a bullet for you – in front of his family." Lanie stopped talking because she felt a lump in her throat herself. You better make it out of there alive writer monkey, she thought to herself before continuing, "It's your turn now. SHOW him Kate - show him how you feel…and then when the time is right TELL him how you feel. You deserve to be happy Kate…you both do." Kate nodded mutely and Lanie smiled.

Just as she was about to suggest they go back inside, Esposito burst out of the back door and spotting them said breathlessly, "We're moving."

Kate and Lanie quickly followed Esposito back into the building. Esposito gave them an update of what they had missed. Although they hadn't been gone long, things seemed to have moved quickly in their absence. The terrorists demands it appeared, were about to be met. There was a plan in place to make the swap. Their first demand had been the handover of a Sudanese diplomat; Boutros Jemal - currently visiting the US for a meeting at the UN. The second was 20 million dollars. It's hard to judge anyone in just one meeting, but Jemal had rubbed Kate the wrong way the second he had set foot in the command center. Despite all the protests by the State Department other federal agencies, Mr Jemal had volunteered to offer himself up for the switch. Kate got the feeling his self-sacrificing, for the greater good thing was just an act. It was too convenient. The man has also spent a lot of time giving 'interviews' to anyone who held a microphone to his face. Something just didn't seem right about him.

Just before they reached the command center, Esposito stopped and said in a low voice "I told Jordan about our …." Esposito paused, looking for the right word. "Misgivings", he continued. But Like I said with the State Dept breathing down their neck, her hands are tied too. But she said she would take it under consideration."

Kate sighed, "I hate this. I just….HATE THIS. But it doesn't look like we have much of a choice here. Let's just go see what they have planned. And if they think I am staying back because of some jurisdiction crap, then they better be prepared for a fight!"

She saw Esposito look at Lanie and smile. "What?"

"Nice to have you back boss". Kate just shook her head and kept walking.

Once inside the temporary command center, Kate grabbed a vest and made a beeline for Agent Jordan Shaw. Shaw looked at Kate and raised an eyebrow. Kate looked resolutely back and after a second or so Jordan took her elbow and moved to a corner of the room.

"Are you sure you're up to this? I had to fight to keep you on the team going in. But I need to know I can depend on you to not break under pressure. Are you sure you don't want to stay here?"

"No" Kate said in a firm and unwavering voice. "I'm sure. Let's go in there and put an end to this."

Unconsciously Kate's eyes went to the screen on the opposite wall. There it was – The Photo, as she had come to think of it. The photo, from her nightmares - the photo of Castle that had been sent by the terrorists earlier. It was permanently seared into Kate's brain. He looked badly beaten and tied up. But what sent chills down her spine and would give her nightmares for years to come – was the bomb strapped to his chest. Jordan followed her gaze to the picture on the screen and squeezed Kate's hand. But before she could say anything, Kate looked back at her and said, "Let's get the bastards that did this."

Shaw must have seen the resolve in Kate's eyes for she didn't waste any further time questioning the detective's ability. Instead she quickly filled Kate in on the plan of attack. It was a simple and clean plan. Shaw was going to pretend to make the 'switch' - Jemal and the money for the hostages. Make the switch while trying to take the terrorists down. That was the team currently assembling outside. The real assault would come from the back. While the terrorist were busy with the switch happening in the front of the building, the assault team consisting of elite members of the FBI and SWAT would take out any terrorists in the back and get into the building.

If all went according to plan they would have everyone in custody, and Jemal and the hostages would be safe. But Kate knew these things had a way of going south pretty fast. On the outside she had her detective face on, ready to move. Inwardly however was a different story. Inwardly her thoughts were centered on one thing and one thing only – getting to Rick and getting him out safe. Beckett looked over at Esposito. His eyes were ablaze with the same resolution that burned in hers.

Sometimes she forgot how much Castle meant to her whole team. He may have been shadowing HER, but she knew without a doubt that Castle would have taken a bullet for any one of them and vice versa. When he saw her looking in his direction his jaw tightened and he gave her a quick nod as if to say, "Let's do this". Once everyone was suited up and armed, Jordan and her team walked with Jemal to the front entrance of the building housing the gallery and Kate followed the assault team to the back. Unbeknownst to them Jemal has been busy informing his cohorts, the terrorists of their every move.

The next hour of Kate's life was one she would not soon forget. In fact she was certain she would have nightmares about it for a long time to come. Everything seemed to be going according to plan at first. While Jordan and her team got the operation going in the front of the building, the assault team came in from the back. From the minute they set foot inside the rear parking lot however it all had all gone to hell. The terrorists had known they would be coming from the back. It had been a bloodbath before the FBI team and Kate and Esposito had even set foot inside the building. They lost a few of their men but had ultimately managed to subdue most of the terrorists guarding the back. They had entered the building cautiously, not wanting any more surprises. But they had been surprised nonetheless. Seconds after they had set foot inside the building an explosion had rocked it. Kate had been thrown to the floor with Esposito covering her. "What the hell was that?"

Esposito looked in the direction the blast seemed to have come from. All he saw was smoke and flames from the opposite corner from where they were located. "Oh. My. God…noooooo. Rick!' Kate managed to croak out before she broke into a run towards the smoke.

"Beckett? BECKETT" She could hear Esposito running after her. Suddenly she was tackled by strong pair of arms. She struggled to get out of their grasp.

"Let me go Esposito."Esposito half lifted, half dragged her outside the building again. Already it was swarming with firemen, trying to get the blaze under control.

"Let me go! I have to go find him" she yelled at the man holding her.

"Beckett. You can't go in there Beckett. Do you want to get yourself killed?"

She looked into his face and the look on her face broke his heart. Without giving it another thought he quickly hugged Kate and said," As soon as they have the fire under control I promise you we will go back inside. And if anyone tries to stop us I will shoot them, I promise. But we gotta wait out here for now Kate. Okay? We gotta wait here for now." He said it like a litany and Kate realized he was just as scared at what they might find inside as she was.

She nodded mutely and letting go of him sat on the ground and buried her head in her hands. She didn't know how long they sat that way before Esposito pulled her up by the elbow, "Come on. Let's go back in".

They walked back into the building. They had barely gone a few feet from the back entrance when they were stopped. It was one of the SWAT team members she had met earlier in the command center.

"You can't go in there detective"

"Like hell I can't. That's my ..." She gulped and continued, "That's my partner in there."

"He's not in there."

Kate just looked up at the man blankly. "What do you mean he's not in there?"

"We got all the other hostages out. They killed two. We haven't located the bodies yet" He hesitated and Kate asked him in a deliberate voice, " WHERE is Castle?

"Kate"

Kate drew her eyes away from the SWAT officer and looked toward the owner of the stood a few feet away, a somber look on her face.

"Tell me he isn't….." she implored to the agent. She felt Esposito's hand on her arm offering silent support.

Jordan shook her head and beckoned her over. "He is alive but, not out of the woods yet. The bomb squad is in there. They are working on getting the device off him."

"I want to see him Jordan."

"You know the drill Kate. Till they get the bomb off him, they will not allow anyone in there."

"I won't get in the way, let me just see him Jordan. Please." She implored.

"Okay." The agent sighed and led Kate down a hallway swarming with firemen and federal agents. Soon they were in an area near the corner of the hallway. All around her Kate could see the destruction caused by the explosive. It was a sea of shattered glass and broken furniture. Everything was covered in water from the fire hoses.

When they had reached a corner of the hallway, Kate saw him. As Jordan had warned her, they couldn't get close. The area had been cordoned off. But from where she stood she saw him. And it broke her heart. He looked worse than what that photo of him had showed. On top of the bruises from the photo, there were newer ones that Kate guessed were thanks to the debris from the explosive going off. His eyes were closed and his head was resting back against the column he was strapped to. His pristine white shirt was covered in blood and soot and water.

The bomb squad was working on the bomb strapped to his chest. Seconds, that seemed like a lifetime to Kate ticked by. And then - it was over. They got the bomb off him and a collective cheer went up from the FBI men around them. That's all Kate had been waiting for. She barreled her way between the men and was in front of him in seconds. His eyes were still closed and for a minute she thought he was unconscious. "Rick" she whispered his name and his eyes snapped open. It was the sweetest sight Kate had ever seen. It had taken almost losing him for her to really understand what this man meant to her and she swore right then and there – no more 'if-onlys'. No more running. She would do whatever it took to show him exactly what he meant to her.