The thoughts of one Dean Winchester
A series of drabbles and a cross
18.9.2011
1: Divorce
As he searched through the dresser he saw the wedding ring. It lay in the back of a drawer, never to be used again. Dean stared at it for a moment and then picked it up hesitantly. He turned it around in his hand. It was cold and heavy. A man's ring. Belonging to someone who had abandoned his family and left them to die. He sneered. When... If he got married, he was never going to leave. If he asked the one he wanted to marry him, it would be forever. He tossed the ring back into the drawer.
2: Hello
It was late, but Dean couldn't sleep as usual. He sat on the bed cleaning his gun. There wasn't much else to do in this dingy hotelroom all alone, and he needed a distraction from his frustration. Suddenly he heard the floor creak and somebody said from behind him; «Hello, Dean». His instincts kicked in and in a matter of seconds he pieced his gun together and jerked around pointing it straight at the voice. «Who the hell are you?» he glared at the weirdo with the bowtie. «I'm the doctor» he said and shot him a blistering bright smile.
3. Break away
How many times was he going to do this? He was in the middle of nowhere. Driven for hours on end without a plan or thought. And in the complete opposite direction of where he wanted to go. But he couldn't turn his nose around and go that way. He was the one that had left. Countless were the times that he had wanted to go back. To Sam. His brother. The person he loved more than life itself. His strong point but also his weakest. But as much as he wanted to, he needed to stay away from him.
4. Mirror
One small glance was enough to confirm that she was there. He knew she would be. Whenever he was near a mirror, she was there ready to get him. So far he'd been lucky, but tonight she was going down. He signalled Sam to let him know he was going in. Pretending to be beaten and exhausted he bent down to the sink to wash his face. He felt her lunge at him, but he was ready. Hands rubbed in salt and iron dust he gripped her neck. She screeched and forced him down on his knees. «SAAAM!» he yelled.
5. Mother nature
«Son of a bitch!» Dean cursed as he got out of the car and slammed the door. He surveyed the damages. The weather was so bad he hadn't seen the tree coming. It didn't help that the shit car he'd borrowed from Bobby didn't have windscreen wipers that worked. Right now he was glad he'd lent the Impala to Sam. But a few hours earlier he had been pissed as hell about it. He looked around. So what now? He checked the cell. No reception. Great. Just great. Soaked, cold and with a split lip and forehead, he started walking.
6. Contempt
Dean was on a roll. Hatred coursed through his veins. On the outside he was like ice, but inside him was fire. He had only one question for his victims, but it remained unanswered. He knew it would, but he didn't care. He was even glad for it. It allowed him to release his rage on them, one, more, time. They screamed for release. He just bent low, looked them straight in their black eyes, curled his lips in a conetmptuous 'NO', and rammed the knife through their hearts. «Where. Is. Cas?» he asked. No one answered. No one lived.
7. Broken
Right now he really wished that humans were the only ones with dibs on crumbling. Because an angel breaking was the saddest thing he had seen in his life. And especially when he knew that the reason was the sacrifices he had made. For him. Cas was sitting in the shadows looking lost. His eyes no longer gleaming with that questioning look. His voice even more hollow and lacking of emotion. Now would have been a good time to share the warmth he felt. To console and encourage. But he was Dean. And he couldn't bring himself to do it.
8. Hear no evil
As he watched Sam sleep, he wondered if his brother really knew what fear was. If Dean told him that running from a pooch with a bow had near scared him to death, he'd just laugh. So he kept his mouth shut. Because if he opened that can, everything would have to spill. And he was not prepared to share that. He was never going to tell Sam that he always listened for hellhounds. Just because he couldn't hear them anymore, didn't mean they weren't there. Their shadows and sound would lurk in his mind forever. They wanted their prey.
9. In the eye of the storm
Being house-bound made Dean feel cramped. He had this constant urge to get out and do something. Raking leaves was the most tedious job in the world, but at least he didn't have to stay cooped up inside. The only problem was that his mind kept wandering back to Sam... and Cas... And when it did, his heart burnt and the constant lump in his throat and chest ached. He also thought he felt a prickle in the back of his neck, but when he turned, no one was there. Still he couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong.
10. Too easy
There were days when he didn't think he'd make it. Those days he would go out in the garage, open the trunk, pull out a gun and sit in the Impala. He would remember, down his whiskey and slowly put the gun to his head. On the really bad days he would even load and cock it. The only thing that kept him from doing it, was the thought that he didn't deserve such an easy way out. «Cas... give me strength» he would whisper, and he'd find the courage to put down the gun and stumble back to bed.