A/N: Hey guys. Remember me? Probably not. If you're interested in my (slightly) valid reasons for taking so long to update, then continue reading. If not, then just know I'm really sorry and that THIS WHOLE CHAPTER IS A FLASHBACK. An important one. So, yeah. Okay, Now onto my groveling for forgiveness. I swear I've had the first 1500 words written up foreverrrr, but then I got some writers block. And then the last 500 words got deleted from my laptop, which was very discouraging. Then the first quarter decided to go and end all hastily and I had to maintain my grades, ya know with Junior year being important and all that nonsense. I know? School work keeping me from Grey's writing? Absurd. Lol. But I really am sorry. And you should all thank an anonymous reviewer from this morning who reminded me that duhh, people were kinda waiting for an update or something. Also, special thanks to Dysari, tryptophan, HyperrGirll, annekoch, HouseBroken, InGreyEyes, bextra1256, mcsunny, sara, mcdreamy-lover89, HugeMerderfan, Didine34790, butter00, pixiedust0110, and ladyluck2905. I'm very sorry to them for not responding personally, but I was a little disoriented after a few nasty reviews. Also, and this is my last babbling point, I love reviews and I love my reviewers no matter how much or how little you write. But if all you comment for is to bash my story, I don't like it, nor do I respond well to it. Makes me sad and stop updating, and then by proxy you upset other people who actually like my story. So, the moral of this tale? You can be constructive, but please don't be mean, it pisses more than just me and Taylor Swift off . Okay. Now that that's over, here is the long awaited chapter 4! Well, it's right after my disclaimer. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't have it in me to think of a witty disclaimer right now (*snaps fingers* darn!) so I do not own Grey's Anatomy or anything relating to it. But this story line? All mine.
He had arrived in Boston three days ago. He hadn't left his hotel room since checking in. Now, he was scheduled to leave in two days, and he had yet to do the one thing he'd been avoiding since he got there. He hadn't told anyone where he was going, in fact, only a few people had known beforehand that he was taking a vacation at all, yet alone that he had gone to visit Meredith. It just wasn't the kind of thing that he would broadcast to the hospital – what would he even say? Hey Christina, Alex, I'm going to Boston for five days to try and win back the love of my life, who left me because I was an asshole who couldn't keep his dick in his pants? Yeah, that type of thing would go over really well.
That was what the optimistic side of his mind was telling him his reasoning was. The other half, the more realistic and cynical part, was constantly reminding him how embarrassed he'd be if she rejected him, which, taking everything he had done into consideration, was a very real, very possible outcome. He wouldn't be able to take everyone in Seattle knowing if that happened. No one would take pity. Mark would give a half-hearted 'I'm sorry, man' and Arizona would probably give him that sad look, but no one else would even attempt to hide the fact that they actually weren't sorry for him in the least. The only person they were sorry for in the entire equation was Meredith. Callie's husband had cheated on her, too, and almost ever since Meredith had left, he had been on her shit list. Yang would yell at him for even going out there and messing with her person. Alex would tell him to just leave her the hell alone, and Lexie probably… wouldn't say anything, but would convey everything she needed to say in a few glances. No, he, and everyone else knew that if Meredith didn't come back to him, he would only have himself to blame.
He rolled out of bed with a sigh, knowing it would be more pathetic to have come all this way and not even try than it would be to be rejected. He hopped into the shower with his toothbrush in his mouth, brushing his teeth first, and then washing lazily, not really wanting to put a rush on the day. As he stepped out of the shower, he dried off and wiped the steam off of the mirror so that he could work on his hair. At least one thing needed to be working for him today. Finally, when it was up to his McDreamy reputation, he got dressed and left the hotel, catching a cab directly over to Mass General.
When he arrived at the building, he took a deep breath and headed inside. He figured the best way to find her on the surgical floor was to ask one of the nurses. As he approached the station, he felt slightly awkward with the way the nurse manning the desk was looking at him. He reached it and cleared his throat. "Hi, I'm looking for Dr. Grey?" She gave him what he assumed was supposed to be a seductive smile, and told him she would page her, so he nodded and placed his hands in his pockets to keep from fidgeting as he waited.
The nurse had gotten up to check in on a patient, but when she came back, she stood next to Derek, a little too closely to be professional. "So, why is it exactly that you're looking for Dr. Grey? I mean, we all know she doesn't really have male friends, especially as attractive as you are…" she gestured a small bit with her hands, indicating that she wanted his name. Derek, though ,was elated to know that she apparently hadn't been with anyone since she had been here, or at least no one that the nurses knew of, and they knew just about everything. On the other hand, he was disappointed that he hadn't been mentioned even in passing conversation. It was a basic, get to know you, topic, 'Hi what's your name?...Oh where are you from?...Oh, you just moved here?...Are you seeing anyone? Oh! You're married how wonderful.' It was a fact that he was her husband; someone should have known. He smirked; he knew the best way to let this information spread through the hospital like wildfire. Leaning in to whisper in the nurse's ear, Derek placed a hand on her shoulder to steady his self and could feel her heart rate increase. "I'm glad to know she's not had any boyfriends that you all know about, seeing as I'm her – "
"Derek?" the voice came from behind him. He turned to find the woman he hadn't seen in over a year a mere twelve feet away, wearing dark green scrubs and holding what had to be at least five charts. Only when seeing the charts did he remember the nurse who he had been standing extremely close to with his hand on her shoulder. His hand had fallen sometime earlier, he guessed, but he stepped a few paces away from the nurse, to her disappointment, anyway. He met her eyes with his own and saw the vulnerability swimming in them. The rest of her, however, showed no signs of weakness, and to anyone who hadn't look closely at her, she was stoic and emotionless. She didn't come any closer as she spoke to him, "What are you doing here?"
"I, uh," he noticed that she was steeling herself for whatever he was going to say, and it hurt him to know that all she expected of his words now was for them to sting with harshness. "I, can we go somewhere, private?" he looked around nervously, not wanting to put their entire relationship on display for the entire hospital. He was surprised, though, when she shook her head 'no'. "I'm busy, Derek," she said, gesturing to the charts threatening to fall any minute that rested slightly off-balance in her arms. She started to walk away, but he quickly followed, lifting a few charts from her hands "I can help" She gave him an incredulous look. "What? I'm a world famous neurosurgeon, I think I can handle a few stable patients" he smirked. She started to protest, but when her pager went off, she let out an exasperated sigh, but gave in. "Fine. Whatever. Have the nurses page me when you're done" and with that, she ran off in the opposite direction.
She hadn't expected to see him in the lobby. It had been four hours since she had returned to the nurses' station to find all of her charts filled out flawlessly, and so she had assumed that he'd gone home. No. She hadn't expected to see him sitting in a chair at midnight in the middle of the hospital. When he spotted her, he stood with a wide smile and made his way to where she was standing. "Seriously, Derek? I thought you had left?" He shook his head. "No. I, I uh, I wanted to see if, and you were working so, I-" he cut himself off – when had he become a rambler? Finally, after taking a moment to get his thoughts together, he spoke again, "I wanted to talk to you."
She wanted to say no. she wanted to tell him to go back where the sun don't shine – literally. She wanted to tell him that nothing he could ever say, no matter how poetic and apologetic and everything-she-had-wanted-to-hear-him-say-before-she-left-Seattle it was, that it wouldn't matter. She wanted desperately to believe that he didn't matter anymore. But there was something in the back of her mind that always made her act against rationality when Derek was involved. It was the voice that came up with the pick me, choose me, love me, speech. But he chose Addison, anyway. She shuddered just at the thought. It was the voice that told her to get rid of Finn (which, she could begrudgingly admit was better in the long run) and just be with Derek again. Accept, he had decided he needed time to figure things out. It was the voice that told her house plans maybe weren't so scary, and that maybe they could even be great. And then Derek kissed Rose. It was a voice she couldn't ignore no matter how much she wanted to, and as that thought came to mind, she heard herself saying yes. She heard herself telling him her apartment wasn't far from the hospital. She heard herself telling him they could talk there.
As he sat in the passenger seat, he couldn't help but think this had to be the most awkward car ride he had ever experienced. He kept looking to his left, wanting to say something – anything – that could break the silence, but every time he did, he took notice of how tightly her hands were gripping the steering wheel. Or how her jaw was set, seemingly locked, shut. Or how her breathing was a little uneven, but she was trying to keep it from being noticeable. He didn't like that the reason for this was him. That after years of getting her to open up to him, to trust him, to just be with him, that it was he who made her this nervous, anxious, wreck. That he was the source of her discomfort. And that thought, well, it always managed to keep him quiet.
The car door slamming brought him to the present, and he smiled sheepishly at her as she stared at him like a lunatic. He assumed she must have been standing outside of the car for some seconds, wondering why he wasn't following. He quickly opened his door, and caught up to her; she had turned her back when he finally moved and began walking towards the building. They rode the elevator in relative silence, save for cleared throats and muffled coughs. As he stood back, watching her unlock the door to her place, he inwardly resented the fact that she lived so far up and that he had been unable to find anything to say on such a long elevator ride. Elevators were their thing, after all.
She fiddled with her key. Part of it was because she had no idea what she would face when they entered her apartment, and maybe she didn't want to know. The other part of it was because with every step they had taken towards her apartment her heart had sped up, so now, as she stood so close to it, for the life of her she couldn't make her hands stabilize long enough to insert the key into the keyhole. 'What a great surgeon shaky hands make' she thought to herself. Surprising her, the door flew open under her weight as she pushed at it again. She stumbled in, shaking off Derek's steadying hand and opting to go to the kitchen. She didn't really have much food, just left over pizza. 'There goes that talking point'. She had water. Water could work. She rummaged through her refrigerator for a while longer before turning to Derek, who lurked awkwardly in her doorway. She thought it was kind of cute, how apprehensive he was, with his hands in his pockets, but she quickly shook the thought from her head. "You can sit down Derek" he exhaled deeply and moved swiftly into the kitchen area. "Would you like something to drink…there's water and…" she grimaced as she noticed nothing else but tequila and spoiled dairy in her fridge, "old milk. Take your pick" She decided she wouldn't offer the tequila. He didn't deserve it. He laughed quietly, "water, thank you".
She nodded before pouring two glasses and handing him one. They both sat, uneasy, sipping their drinks. After the silence had settled tensely between them for a few minutes, Meredith spoke up. "Look Derek, I had a really long shift and I'm tired. You said you wanted to talk, so talk" she raised her eyes to meet his, but quickly averted them to avoid being lost in a sea of blue. He cleared his throat.
"I miss you Meredith…so much." His voice was a whisper. He wished she would look at him. Almost as if he had willed her to do it himself, she met his eyes, and this time, held his gaze. The look in them, however, was not one he wanted to see. It was one of incredulity. One that told him he had better find something better to say than that in the next five seconds, or find his way to her door.
"I just, I know I was wrong. I know I did so much that was…wrong. And I was mean and cold and spiteful and you didn't deserve it. And I'm sorry" he hoped she wouldn't make him say it. That she wouldn't make him say exactly what he was sorry for. He could see enough hurt in her eyes just with his vagueness; he couldn't imagine how much would be visible in them if he spoke out loud. He watched her catch a tear from slipping from her eye, and she pushed her chair back violently; it collided with the ground.
"You don't just get to say you're sorry, Derek!" her voice was loud. She breathed in, then out. The next words she spoke were deeply contrasting to her previous ones. They were calm. Her voice was low. Cutting. "You don't get to say you're sorry, and think it makes everything okay. You don't get to say you're sorry when I apologized to you for months and you never gave it a second thought. When instead you, you just, disappeared. When you were with – "she stopped her mind from traveling there and closed her eyes. He was standing now, too, so she took a step back. Shaking her head from right to left, "You just don't get to say you're sorry".
She was crying openly now. Even with her back turned to him, he could see how her body was racked with sobs. He walked towards her and wrapped his arms around her. "I know you don't want to hear it, I know, but I am. I'm sorry and I don't know what else to say. I don't know what I can do but you have to know I'm sorry. I am so sorry, for everything" he stressed the last word. He turned her around and she buried her head in his chest. They had never spoken openly about his betrayal, and as much as it haunted him, he knew, with every labored breath she took as her cries subsided, he knew that it tortured Meredith. That it had broken her, that he had broken her. He had made her insecure in herself. He had made her doubt everything she did, everything he did and said. And for what? He wasn't sure, he really just…wasn't.
He looked down into her green eyes, rimmed red with tears, as she felt her head shift upward to face him. "You can't just want me when you want me, Derek. It's not fair"
"Meredith, I lov – "
She cut him off and pulled away slightly. "To me, Derek! It's not fair tome. This gets to be about me. Just this once. I don't know what to believe when you speak. For all I know you do love me, but Der, God knows I don't want to be loved like this. I don't want to hurt all the time. I don't want to worry myself fucking insane because I can't see you, and I don't know what you're doing. I can't do that to myself. I won't let you do it to me" her breath was ragged.
He looked at her with those eyes, and so she closed hers as she pushed away from his chest. That movement was all it took to throw him into motion though. He grabbed at her wrist, the closest part of her, and tugged her back to him. He attacked her lips with his own, and as she fought it, he backed them into a wall. He felt it when she gave in. when her walls faltered. She relaxed into his grasp and wrapped her arms around his neck. He smiled and removed his lips from hers, and traveled down to her neck.
She gasped as he lightly bit and sucked her pulse point. His hands were quick, and before she knew it her shirt was off her body, and her breasts were being fondled through her bra. "Oh God" she moaned into his touch. She lifted her legs and wrapped them tightly around his hips. It had been so long since she had done this. Since he had been this close to her. She could smell his cologne; it was intoxicating her. The only thought that ran through her mind was more, more, more. His voice broke through the haze as he whispered in her ear. "I only want you, Meredith. And I know it's selfish but not having you, not having you since the trial, since you've been gone, not having you now, it's tearing me apart. I can't take it" his lips were everywhere on her body, on her collarbone, on her cheeks. He rubbed his hands down her porcelain skin, and spoke again, "God, I've wanted this for so long" his voice was almost as strained as the bugle growing in his pants was, "Please, baby, let me have you". His hands continued to roam her body, but suddenly, she couldn't breathe. All she could see when she closed her eyes was his hands on other women, for months. All she could picture was his lips taking the same course on their bodies. All she could wonder was whether his body reacted the same way to them as it did to her.
She pushed him away with all the remaining strength she had. He stumbled back, unprepared for the sudden force. He looked up at her, lust clouded his eyes, "Mer…what?" She grabbed her shirt from the floor and fumbled with the buttons as tears once again came streaming down her face.
He stepped closer to her, but she moved directly out of his path. "Meredith, what's…what's wrong?" he looked imploringly at her.
She let out a strangled laugh. "What's wrong? All of this is wrong, Derek! You say you want me, that you've wanted me since your trial, well for God's sake, Derek, you had me! You. Had. Me. and you gave me away, you didn't want me, so don't you dare stand there and tell me how much you've missed me" she ran a hand through her already disheveled hair. "I'm so stupid! I mean, you were here for maybe a half hour. You spoke for like ten minutes altogether, and I let you back me into a wall with my legs spread, ready for a thorough fucking" she shook her head.
He looked wounded. Did she really think that little of herself? Of them? It was never just sex with them, he loved her. "Meredith, I have never fucked you" he cringed at the crudeness of the word itself, "I was going to make love to you. I do love you. I don't, I don't know what you need. Tell me what you need for you to believe it"
"What I need Derek, is to not think of where else your hands have been. Who else they've touched since they last touched me. What I need, is to not feel like I'm competing with other women when I'm your wife. I just need," she stopped talking and looked around frantically. "I need you to not be here. I need you to just let me go on with my life, to stop haunting me everywhere I go. I need to know this was more than a transcontinental booty call, and the thing is, I don't know it. I don't believe in you"
He went to speak but she cut him off with a raised hand. "Did you know that everyone in Seattle Grace knew exactly who you were screwing? It sure as hell wasn't me. Did you notice the looks I got in the hallways? 'Poor girl, looks like McDreamy's gonna screw her over again, and she doesn't even see it'. Except I did. And I accepted it. I said, 'he'll come around. He loves me.' It was like a fucking chant, Derek. What I want is to not need a mantra to convince myself that you're with me. That you're staying with me. But right now? There's a mantra. It's saying give in give in give in. You know what happens when you don't. He goes back to his wife. He kisses nurses. He sleeps with other women. It's not a mantra I'm fond of, Derek." She shook her head at the lost, desperate look spread across his face. "It's just…not."
Whew! Angsty enough for ya? Let me know what you guys think. Please review, good or bad (as long as the bad is constructive…no bashing please). I swear the wait won't be as long for the next chapter, and if it is, feel free to send me a very mean PM to get my ass in gear.
Aryn