Disclaimer: Harry Potter & West Side Story rights are not mine.
Professor Umbridge (in the style of Officer Krumpke from West Side Story)
SEAMUS, IMITATING UMBRIDGE
Hey you!
FRED
Who me, Professor Umbridge?
SEAMUS, IMITATING UMBRIDGE
Yeah you, gimme one good reason for not draggin' ya down the Ministry, ya punk!
FRED
Dear kind Professor Umbridge
You gotta understand
It's just our bringin' uppage
That gets us out of hand
Our mother's too protective
Dad plays with Muggle junk…
Golly Merlin, natcherly we're punks
FRED & GEORGE TOGETHER
Gee, Professor Umbridge
We're very upset
We never had the life
That every child oughta get
We ain't no deliquents
We're misunderstood
Deep down inside us there is good
FRED
There is good!
FRED & GEORGE TOGETHER
There is good, there is good
There is untapped good
Like inside, the worst of us is good
SEAMUS, IMITATING UMBRIDGE
That's a touching good story
FRED
Lemme tell it to the world!
SEAMUS, IMITATING UMBRIDGE
Just tell it to the Minister.
GEORGE
Dear kindly Fudge, your Honour
My parents treat me rough
They don't have any money,
So they don't buy me stuff.
They didn't wanna have me
But somehow I was had
Leapin' lizards, that's why I'm so bad
RON, IMITATING FUDGE
Right! Professor Umbridge,
You're really a square
These boys don't need me now
They needs an analyst's care
It's just their neurosis
That oughta be curbed
They're psychologically disturbed
FRED
I'm disturbed
FRED & GEORGE TOGETHER
We're disturbed, we're disturbed
We're the most disturbed
Like we're psychologically disturbed
RON, IMITATING FUDGE
Hear ye, hear ye. In the opinion of this Wizengamot, these boys are depraved on account they ain't had a normal home.
GEORGE
Hey, I'm depraved on account I'm deprived!
RON, IMITATING FUDGE
So take him to a headshrinker. You!
DEAN
Who me?
FRED
My daddy loves the muggles
My mommy yells at me
My brother works with dragons
My sister don't like me
I've never been a prefect
They say I'm far too fresh
Goodness gracious, that's why I'm a mess
DEAN, IMITATING HEAD SHRINKER
Yes, Professor Umbridge,
He shouldn't be here
This boy don't need a couch
He needs a useful career
Society's played him a terrible trick
And sociologically he's sick
FRED
I am sick!
FRED & GEORGE TOGETHER
We are sick, we are sick
We are sick sick sick
Like we're sociologically sick
DEAN, IMITATING HEAD SHRINKER
In my opinion, these boys do not need to have their heads shrunk at all. Juvenile delinquency is purely a social disease.
GEORGE
Hey, I got a social disease!
DEAN, IMITATING HEAD SHRINKER
So take him to a social worker
GEORGE
Dear kindly social worker
They tell me get a job
Like be a paper pusher
Which means I'd be a slob
I want to start a joke shop
'Cause I like playing pranks
Glory Grawpy, that's why I'm a wank
NEVILLE
Eek, Professor Umbridge,
You've done it again
These boys don't need a job
They need time in Azkaban!
It ain't just a question of misunderstood
Deep down inside them is no good
FRED
I'm no good
FRED & GEORGE TOGETHER
We're no good, we're no good
We're no earthly good
Like the best of us is just no good
The trouble is we're lazy
The trouble's we don't think
The trouble is we're crazy
The trouble is you stink!
The trouble is we're growing
The trouble is you're grown
Umbridge, we've got troubles of our own
Professor Umbridge
We're down on our knees
FRED
'Cause no one wants a fella
With a social disease
FRED & GEORGE TOGETHER
Dear Professor Umbridge
What are we to do?
Gee, Professor Umbridge,
Umb you!