Chapter Four: Beg Pardon?

Disclaimer: I don't own H-Pizzle-Dog (Harry Potter)

Hermione was petrified about turning over. The pain of taking a simple breath was enough to make her wish she was unconscious again. Hermione may have been strong, but only of the will, she hated pain. Speaking of pain…

Malfoy was in the bed to the right of her surrounded by his own curtains. Poppy had said that he was far worse off than she. But still no explanation had been found as to why both she and Malfoy had ended up in the hospital wing so suddenly. Was it some sort of curse, perhaps an illness, terminal or contagious, she hardly knew what to think…

"WHAT?"

Hermione sat up suddenly, forgetting her condition at the sound of Harry's infuriated voice. "Argh" she groaned dropping back on the bed due to sudden striking pains. Blinding lights were flashing behind her eyelids, and her head was sure to split open. What this how Harry had felt nearly every day for seventeen years of his life? Poor boy…

Her curtains were ripped back; a fuming Harry walked over to her bed and plopped down on the chair beside her head. She opened her eyes slowly and looked at him and then turned her eyes about to see McGonagall walk by her bed with a sweep of her robes. Hermione couldn't help but frown, even though it hurt to do so.

Harry's cheeks were flushed and he appeared to be muttering something indiscernible under his breath. What had he and McGonagall talked about? And why had she just walked by so quickly without saying anything to Hermione?

"I can't believe this" he grumbled loudly, as though he was pleading for her to ask him what the problem was.

In that case, bludgeon tact.

"What's going on?" Hermione asked quietly, searching Harry's face. He looked livid, and Hermione just couldn't grasp why. Perhaps whatever this illness was, it was affecting her brain. God forbid!

"Oh yeah, well, basically you and Malfoy can't touch because you hate each other so much, and the more you hate each other the more it will hurt to be in contact. So, seeing as he hates you far more than you hate him, that would be why he's in critical condition right now and you got by just barely. But what I see as being the problem is the question of how you're supposed to get married, live with one another, have children, if physical contact will kill you or him or both" Harry ranted, red in the face.

Hermione's eyes widened in surprise, well, she had not been expecting this. She let the words sink in "oh" she replied lamely.

"Listen, I'm going to go and fill in Ron and Ginny, they're both worried sick pacing outside the door. You rest and I'll be back in a bit, hopefully with a solution too" Harry said with a heaving sigh as he pulled himself out of the chair.

"Yeah, okay" Hermione muttered watching Harry walk away; he left her curtains open as he left. Well, this was a situation. How the hell were she and Malfoy supposed to get along if they couldn't be near each other? Was this a test from the ministry, or was this some deep magic that couldn't be skirted about?

"Bloody hell" Hermione groaned; the situation had just become worse than ever imaginable before. Not only did she have to marry Malfoy – Merlin! She couldn't even do that. Hermione was desperately hoping she and Malfoy could get along for both of their sakes. But how could she ask that of him when she knew that it was unlikely she herself would manage being nice? "Kill me now" she sighed.

"Ditto" came Malfoy's strained voice from the bed next to hers. A pale arm came from between the slit in the curtains and it ripped them open. Hermione turned her head to the right and frowned. Malfoy was frowning back at her. "You're lucky that there's no evidence tying you to this mudblood, because I could have you in Azkaban in a second flat for hurting an influential member of society's son" he threatened.

Hermione rolled her eyes "Please Malfoy, your father is less influential than the first years in this kind of situation" she replied coldly.

Draco said nothing in response. He lay on his bed and gritted his teeth noisily, wondering all the while if he could smother Granger in her sleep. The mudblood was causing more problems than he had anticipated. The ministry threat he had received did not fall as lightly on his mind as his appearance may have deceived. Draco was terrified of the consequences, he hated the word itself. Draco knew that the ministry would not hesitate to throw them in Azkaban or curse them with celibacy if they refused to do as told. He and Granger meant nothing to the ministry or wizarding world as they were now, all they were good for was bearing children…Draco only wanted one child, a boy…he didn't want a herd of busy haired, big toothed, know-it-all, half-breeds running about his knees…

It didn't matter anyway; he and Granger weren't likely to be procreating, one way or another. Either his father would pull him out of this mess, or he or Granger would have to deal with the consequences of refusing to concede to ministry demands. He had a feeling it would be the latter. Since the feeling of dislike was mutual, Draco had no hope for survival.

Part of him desperately wished that he and Granger could get along, but the mutual hate between them was so strong that it just seemed impossible. Her lying less than a meter from him did not bother him now; there was no real anger, just annoyance. Draco only felt hate towards Granger when he really thought hard about her. When she wasn't on his mind, the emotion was non-existent. Well, this led him to think. Maybe he didn't really hate Granger, maybe there was another reason to all of this. If he could find a way to not hate her, or at least mask it well, then the situation might work out. But as things stood at the moment, they were both severely doomed. "What now?" he asked quietly.

'Dunno" Granger replied, unhelpfully.

"Dunno?" he said brusquely, plainly mocking her "I thought you were the brightest witch of our age?" he sneered. It was the pain that was making him worse than usual; Draco knew that his rudeness was not helping the situation. It couldn't be helped though, he was tired, in pain, and extremely worried, and he needed a punching bag. Granger did not seem willing though. She appeared to be locked in her own mind.

"Piss off Malfoy, I'd much rather wallow in my sorrow without having to listen to you" she said coldly, and he watched her turn over in her bed. Now all he could see was her back.

"Oh please, get over yourself. This isn't over" Draco said coolly.

"Isn't it? I'd say it is. It's unlikely we'll ever get along, much less like each other enough to have children with one another. And I don't want to bring other people into this nasty air between us. So I'd say it's over. We'll face whatever dire consequences the ministry dishes out for us and finish this thing" Granger said pessimistically.

Draco could feel his mouth hanging in disbelief; it took a tremendous amount of effort to snap it shut. "I don't think so Granger, you're not taking me down with you" he said angrily.

To his surprise she sat up and swung her feet out of bed. He flinched as she marched over to him. Her cheeks were bleak but the anger was apparent on her face all the same. Draco felt cornered, Granger was now hanging over him and he had nowhere to run. Thank goodness she hadn't her wand.

"I am not taking you down with me. This is both of us. You are just as much to blame here as I am, so I would appreciate it if you wouldn't cast all of the blame on me. According to professor McGonagall the reason you are in so much more pain that I is because you hate me more than I hate you" Hermione spat out viciously.

Malfoy looked up at her from under the cover of his sheet, which was drawn up to his chin supposing she attacked him. "What does that have to do with anything?" he asked in his best attempt at scorn.

"The reason you and I are in the hospital wing is because we hate each other. Every time we contact we feel the physical manifestation of our hate. So when you touch me you feel the intensity of your hate for me" she explained with crossed arms, looking down upon him sourly.

"What?" he asked in surprise, "That's the largest bag of bullocks I've ever-"

"I'm dead serious" Hermione said cutting him off.

Draco frowned; he could clearly recall just how painful Granger's touch had been. He could only take so much before he blacked out. Well, so much for not really hating her. His whole theory was kaput…that didn't mean he was ready to give up. As a Malfoy he could hardly been seen as a failure. It was bad enough the world already knew he was engaged to Granger, all he needed now were rumors that the engagement wasn't working. It would not sit well with his currant image, no, no, it would not to do at all!

"So let's like each other" Draco said in perfect seriousness.

Granger blinked twice and then doubled over laughing, clutching her stomach. The laughter died quickly and was replaced with a grimace of pain. She sat down on the edge of his bed.

"Easier said than done Malfoy" she said with a sad smile, she gazed out the window on the other side of the room.

"We can try, can we not?" he asked.

"You know this won't be easy. I know you really hate me…I just don't think we have enough time to get to a place where we like each other enough to pass the ministry standard" Granger sighed. She was really being impossible, and he was becoming very peeved. Draco didn't give a shit about her calculations, if he wanted something enough he was sure to get it. End of story.

"Well, then, we'll have to speed things along in that case" Draco said flippantly. Granger turned to look at him; disbelief was etched all over her face. "Come closer Granger" Draco said suddenly, his face as hard as stone.

Hermione gave him a weary look; she hated the tone of voice he was using. She wasn't a dog about to obey his commands. Plus, she didn't particularly like the determined look on his face "Why? So you can spit in my face?" she asked coldly.

"I want to whisper something to you" Malfoy insisted, now beckoning her with his pointer finger. Hermione's mouth slackened in bewilderment.

"Or crow like a rooster loudly in my ear. I know the joke, I'd rather not partake in it" Hermione said stubbornly. She wasn't going to be fooled into any horrible prank he had planned for her.

"AHH MY EYES!" Malfoy screamed suddenly, his hands flying to his shut eyes. Before Hermione could sensor her movements she lunged towards him to see what was wrong, her kind nature had overtaken her common sense.

A second later all became awkward. Malfoy grabbed her shoulders and pulled her down towards him, pressing his lips against hers. It took more than a second for Hermione to realize what had happened. But there she was, Malfoy's mouth on hers, his arms around her neck, for God knows what reason, this was probably an attempt to kill her.

While the initial shock faded, another came quite suddenly with the force of lightening, causing them both to cry out in pain.

Hermione jumped away from the madman. Her body felt as though she had been deep fried. All of the skin on her was burning painfully. Hermione closed her eyes and tried to collect herself and make sense of what had just happened. Malfoy had kissed her, undesirably, so technically he had sexually abused her…

The more she thought about it, the angrier Hermione became, "Idiot! It doesn't work that way!" she yelled glaring at Malfoy with as much contempt as she could muster; but found him with his eyes shut tight, still dealing with his own punishment. "ASSHOLE" she yelled grabbing his pillow and repeatedly smacking him with it, determined to get her satisfactory revenge and hating that he was unresponsive. Hermione was aching for a fight; she wanted him to hit her back just so she could hit him even harder. She brought the pillow down upon his head again.

This would have been the prime moment for Professor McGonagall and Harry to walk past in order to check upon the two of them.

"Hermione no!" Harry yelled running towards her and taking the pillow out of her hands, "What are you thinking?" he cried in terror as he laid eyes on the very still Malfoy. What had she been doing? Had Hermione finally snapped and decided just to kill Malfoy? Harry didn't think she had it in her.

Hermione was still livid; Harry's voice seemed distant and unclear. All she wanted to do was smother Malfoy so that he would never be able to use his lips again. She wanted him to stop breathing, stop living; he was of the vilest creatures. He hid behind his father's cloak, no courage or bravery of his own, no desire to do well, no remorse for what he had wronged. He was disgusting and Hermione didn't want to ever lay eyes on him again.

How dare he? Who had given him any right to attack her like that? Of all the horrible things Malfoy had done, this was one of the worst. He had just wanted to get his way, and he had used her in order to achieve it. The stupid blithering idiot! "He kissed me!" Hermione cried pointing an accusatory finger at Malfoy's direction. Harry frowned, clearly unsure of just how bad that was. McGonagall went paper white and her lips again disappeared completely from her face.

"Come Miss Granger, to my office, we must discuss matters" she said.

Hermione stood from the bed in a huff. Harry was still in shock, unsure of what to do "Is he alive professor?" he asked with a dumb look on his face.

"Well check Potter!" McGonagall snapped back angrily, "and please inform Mr. Malfoy that he will be receiving punishment for his misdeeds" her small eyes observed the still form on the bed, "Once he wakes of course"

With that she and Hermione left the hospital wing.

The room still felt tense even after their departure. What had Malfoy thought he was doing when he had kissed Hermione? Had he actually been stupid enough to think it would work that way? Harry had the feeling that Malfoy didn't actually understand what was happening. They had to actually like each other, it wasn't enough to pretend so, and there was no way Malfoy would be able to force Hermione's kindness.

Harry groaned loudly and looked at Malfoy with distaste. It would be too easy if Hermione had finished Malfoy off. It would make matters much simpler; unfortunately Harry didn't think that would be the case right now. He prodded Malfoy roughly with his wand. Malfoy groaned in reply, well, no such luck today. There was still time for Malfoy to have a seriously harmful incident occur to him. Harry laughed at the thought of Malfoy falling down the stairs. If Malfoy was indisposed Hermione would be matched with someone else, and anyone else was better than Malfoy.

"Hu" Harry muttered to himself. What if Malfoy did die? Hermione would have to be freed of the bond…the ministry couldn't force her to marry a dead man. And if it was something of an accident, like a slip, or an animal attack, an accident on the quidditch pitch? Perhaps something could be arranged after all… "Sweet dreams Malfoy" Harry laughed before walking away from him.

Draco stirred, but just barely so. He had no inclination of how much time had passed since the incident. But it was dark outside now, and Granger was absent. That was not one of the smartest things he had ever done, and he had received his reward for his actions. But what now? His great plan had failed.

"You awake mate?"

Draco jumped up; Blaise was sitting in the chair next to his bed with a tight smirk on his lips. "I heard about your great plan, too bad it didn't work out" he grinned.

Draco frowned, "Shut it" he muttered.

"You know, there is one other way to get out of this…" Blaise said suddenly leaning towards Draco.

"What?" Draco groaned. He didn't understand what Blaise was going on about now. Draco barely felt awake, and little made sense to him at the moment.

"You know, to get out of this marriage arrangement" Blaise said with another slick smile.

"How?" Draco asked guardedly. Blaise's ideas often failed, no matter what the subject was. And most often they involved dangerous explosive materials.

"Death" he replied simply.

Draco stared at him in disbelief, "Death?" he questioned.

"Yes death, you murder Granger, you're out of the contract" Blaise said simply.

"Easier said than done. Plus, I don't think I'm willing to go that far, it's more trouble than it's worth" Draco said.

"So you'd rather marry her, or more likely fail and then deal with the ministry punishment?" Blaise asked.

He had a point there. But Draco just couldn't imagine killing anyone, much less Granger. And if he was to be caught…well, it just seemed like a worse plan that his first one. And all common sense told him to not partake in any of it. "Good plan Blaise, but I don't think I'm going to join in" Draco said seriously.

Blaise's face remained unchanged, but he shrugged, "aright, well, good luck then mate" he said slowly standing. Draco watched him leave the hospital wing with his hands in his pockets. He felt uneasy.

Draco didn't want to ever think of going so far, but other people had such ideas. And Draco knew that Blaise was not done with his pitch. Surely he would bring it up again many times. But it just seemed barbaric and unnecessary to Draco.

Perhaps he had tried too hard? Blaise should have known that Draco would not have taken to that idea. And it seemed quite crude now that he thought of it again. But he couldn't allow his best friend to go through such torture; it wasn't fair that he had to marry Granger. It was a fate worse that Azkaban.

What if Granger had an accident of some sort? A slip or a fall…and hurt herself…or worse, killed herself. Surely then nobody would be to blame if such a thing occurred, and the ministry could not allow Draco to marry a dead woman…

A/N: I'm such a cruel writer, I love to put these people through misery. And man, is it going to be miserable. But fear not! It shall also be ridiculously funny!

Ana