Chapter 2 – Say It Out Loud
"Mother what are you doing here?"
"Didn't I give you enough notice in the form of a hundred phone messages and emails?" Emily was silent, her mother was her usual arrogant self. "Why didn't you answer?"
"Why do you think?" Emily asked resting her right hand on the kitchen table.
"There is no need to get angry Emily."
"Why are you here?" Emily asked again.
"Who is Carina?"
"You still haven't answered my question."
"You still haven't answered mine," Elizabeth replied tilting her head to the side. It was a standstill, like a western film only this time they both had their guns drawn. "Why didn't you answer?" She repeated.
"Because there is no point," Emily sighed. "We always end up like this, turning every conversation into an interrogation."
"Who is Carina?"
"Stop asking questions!" Emily yelled before she walked toward the lounge and took a seat. Elizabeth taking her own seat across from her pouting Prentiss. "Emily I need to talk to you."
"About what?" Emily asked crossing her arms in front of her. Sure she loved her mother, but it was never the emotional bond that tied people together, it was the biological one. She had always agreed with the phrase 'you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family' if she had a choice about family over friends this wouldn't have been the mother she would have chosen. But, because she could not change the past she had to accept the fact that this was her mother.
"About forgiveness for all the times you left me alone or told me to shut up and stop complaining. All the times that you told me to grow a backbone and get over myself because mommy was busy mommy was busy." Emily yelled before she stood to her feet and looked down to her mother." She paused. "Is it about money or politics because you always put those before me, I'm sure you'll have no problems with them now!" Emily screamed before she began to pace, her mother watching every move she made. "Or is it that you want to apologise for being the worst mother any child could have?"
"Emily I...I'm sorry," Elizabeth replied softly making Emily stop her rant, her pacing and even her breathing. She turned to face her mother before she sat down on the couch, her face numb. "What?"
"I'm sorry," Elizabeth answered. "That's why I am here. I wanted to apologise." Emily blinked and took in a breath through her lips, her mother was apologising but she never ever did that. "Mum what's going on?"
"Who is Carina?"
"Again with Carina!" Emily yelled again. "Mum something's going on I can tell."
"I just...I wanted to apologise for everything that you said and more. I know that I put you through alot as a child, I wasn't there when you needed me and now we haven't grown together but we've grown apart and I don't want that for us anymore." She paused, swallowing her saliva. "I know that I was never a good mother to you and...and I should have..." she stopped as Emily's eyes widened and looked into her eyes.
"Should have what Mother?"
"I should have come and seen you sooner. I suppose this apology is years too late but that doesn't matter now. So who is Carina?"
"Who is Carina?" Emily almost yelled. "You are asking me who Carina is right now?"
"Yes I am Emily."
"But why do you care anyway! Do you know how long I have waited to hear you apologise? Do you know how long I have pondered over what you said and the things that happened when I was a kid? And then, when you finally say what I've been wanting you to say for years you change the subject? What is wrong with you?"
"I have made my peace," Elizabeth replied, standing to her feet and making her way to the door. "If you want me to go then I'll go and you'll never have to see me again." Emily thought about it for a moment. Could she really afford to lose the only family member that she had? Could she afford to lose her mother when she had finally apologised for all the years of abandonment she inflicted upon her. All the silent dinner parties, the dresses she was forced to wear, the friends she had to give up on.
"Carina," Emily began. "Was a victim of a serial killer, I was working on a case in Seattle and she was the final victim. Her parents died, there was no one else, I am her guardian. She's eighteen now and she's free to leave when she needs to."
"You adopted her?"
"Yes," Emily replied. "She was broken, had no confidence, and lost all her faith in mankind and in herself. I helped her through it with the rest of the BAU. She's a lot better now."
"Where was she off too in such a hurry?"
"Carina helps out at team meetings for those who suffered trauma. She talks about her experience to help others inside the groups open up about theirs. It works really well but she is only a volunteer. I don't know what she will do job wise."
"I could offer her an internship-"
"No," Emily replied shaking her head. "I hate politics and no daughter of mine is going to study them." Elizabeth smiled and chuckled slightly for a moment.
"You just called her your daughter." Emily laughed showing her teeth before she looked her mother in the eye. "I guess I did."
Carina had been in this position many times before. A group of people, all who had suffered a trauma and all of whom were here to try and fix themselves. They sat in silence, all scared to talk, all of them in need of healing. The team leader looked to Carina and nodded her head to signal Carina to tell them her story. "My name is Carina," she began making many lift their heads and turn to face her. "I was the victim of a serial killer." Many mouths dropped, one man even mouthed a 'wow' to the person next to him. "I experienced a trauma that many here wouldn't be able to describe but I got through it."
"What did you do?" Asked someone to her right.
"What's your name?" Asked Carina.
"Sarah, I was in a car accident with my family."
"What happened Sarah?" Carina asked trading carefully. Sarah looked to the floor for a moment before she started to speak. "It was my younger brother's graduation," she began. "The family went out to a restaurant for dinner; it was how we celebrated events like birthdays, Christmas, Easter. We went there when I graduated to congratulate me. My father was driving home, mum in the passenger side seat. Brother and I in the back. The light in front of us had turned red and dad stopped the car. The light changed to green and they drove into the intersection." Sarah stopped as tears rolled slowly down her face, she looked Carina in the eye. "The last thing I remembered was a trucks head lights past my brothers smiling face before nothing." Sarah stopped when Carina stood to her feet walked over to her and held the woman in her arms. She knew that a hug from Emily always made her feel better, secure even, maybe it would help Sarah. "I keep having nightmares and I just want them to stop." Sarah wailed before Carina pulled back and looked Sarah dead in the eye. "Are you a strong person Sarah?"
"I was," Sarah sighed. "But then this happened and..."
"Are you a strong person Sarah?" Carina interrupted.
"What do you mean?" Sarah asked.
"Before the accident, in your daily life, you were a strong person right. Someone who always believed that they could overcome anything, stand up to any test, stand up to anyone?" Sarah nodded her head twice as another tear rolled down her cheek. "Nothing changed." Carina stood to her feet and entered the centre of the group. All of them looking to her waiting for an explanation. "I was told by someone that I am strong, strong enough to overcome anything. All I have to do is try. We all have that ability. We all experienced something that no one else can explain. We all experienced something that no one else can understand or feel or relate to. Only the people sitting in these chairs know what it's like. They have felt hurt, they have felt pain but they are also full of strength and courage because they are sitting in those seats right now." Sarah looked to Carina and wiped a tear from her face.
"These meetings are to help you talk with others and get what is eating you off your chest. To help you realise that just by being here and having the strength to talk to others about it you have grown. You are all strong people, not only for surviving your troubles but also for having the courage to be here today. I managed to get through it and yeah there are nightmares, yes I still worry about talking to strangers, some of you are afraid of driving a car again, getting on public transport, worried about the weather or despise birthdays or holidays because you are afraid that celebrating them means that you are forgetting something or someone." Many people nodded. "So does anyone else have anything to share?"