Chapter 5

Remus was up early the next day, but Hermione had beaten him to it, he saw when he got down to the kitchen. He had barely opened to door when he heard a crash. She had dropped the sugar bowl and it hit her mug full of tea. Both made of porcelain they broke, and the hot tea spilled over Hermione's bathrobe. She let out a frustrated and irritated sound and tears spilled out over her cheeks.

Remus walked over immediately and scooped her up into a hug.

"It's all right Hermione, calm down," he said calmly and smoothed her hair. He could feel her relax in his arms and held her tighter.

"I don't know what happened…" she sniffed, "I just… I haven't really slept well, and woke up in the most awful mood. And it's Christmas, and I just feel like shit!"

"It's ok, Hermione, it's all right, just calm down," Remus' voice had a calming effect and Hermione leaned against him, feeling safe, but the moment was ruined suddenly.

"Remus Lupin let go of her this instant!" Molly Weasley's voice boomed from the doorway. The two sprung apart and Hermione stared at Mrs. Weasley, her eyes narrowed and her mouth set in a thin line. She was angry, very angry.

"Who are you to decide who can hug me, Mrs. Weasley?" Hermione asked calmly. Molly didn't answer.

"Please Mrs. Weasley, tell me. Why do you think you are allowed to decide whom I can be around?"

"He's not good for you," was all the answer she got.

"Not good for me?" Hermione's voice rose, but she got it under control quickly enough, "Let me tell you some…" but she was cut off by Mrs Weasley.

"You have seemed depressed the last couple of days, and it all started when he started to spend time with you!"

"Molly Weasley!" Hermione disrespectfully slammed her hands down on the dining table in front of her, "Regardless of what you might think, you have NO right whatsoever, to decide what I can or cannot do, and with whom I may do it! Is that clear?" Molly didn't say anything, she just looked angrily at Hermione, her mouth closely shut.

"And besides, you have got it all completely wrong! I have no idea how you got the idea into your head that Remus would ever hurt me! But he hasn't and I trust he never will! Remus managed to see what all the rest of you were blind towards. He saw I wasn't well, even if that was what I let on. None of you has asked me as much as one time how I was feeling, and I didn't dare to tell you myself, because I knew you wouldn't be able to deal with it, and by the looks of it you still aren't!

"But Remus forced me to talk, and that's perhaps the best thing that ever happened to me. And it's true I had a couple of days where I was feeling down, but it helped me get everything out of my system, and when we got home yesterday I felt good, better than I have done since my dad died, but you just have to be so ignorant of everything that you manage to ruin that too!" Hermione stalked through the door and slammed it hard, waking the portrait of Mrs Black who immediately started screaming, thus waking the whole house. Remus ran after her out of the house, but she was gone. He walked back into the hallway, where Sirius had just managed to pull the curtains closed around his mother.

"What on earth just happened?" Sirius asked. Remus just shook his head and walked through to the kitchen. Molly sat at the table staring into space, she almost looked scared.

"You better come and tell the kids what happened," Remus told her, "I'm going to look for Hermione." And with that he left her. Sirius followed him out of the house and grabbed his arm before he could apparrate.

"Remus, what happened?" he asked seriously.

"Molly and Hermione had a fight, and Hermione ran away," Remus answered, sounding a little impatient.

"What? What did they fight about?"

"Molly saw me hugging her and started shouting, and Hermione just lost it. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go find her, before she does anything stupid," Remus said.

"But do you know where she is?" Sirius asked.

"I have a pretty good idea," and with that Remus apparrated away.

Hermione sat down on the cold ground in front of her father's grave. The morning was crisp and freezing. Tears spilled over her face, but she made no movement to brush them away. She pulled her knees up to her chin and rocked back and forth for a while, trying not to think of anything, but her mind kept overflowing with memories. Images of her father and her playing and laughing, of the times when she had felt down and he had comforted her, images of her times with Harry and Ron at Hogwarts and of the times she had spent with the Weasleys at the Burrow. The images came in quick succession and Hermione felt it impossible to hold on to one of them, and she felt stressed with pace her mind was working at. All she wished was that her dad was there right now, to comfort her and hold her and tell her that everything was going to be all right. She was filled with emotions she couldn't really comprehend or knew how to deal with. A great longing and terrible grief shot through her continuously, and all the while she felt the strongest hate she ever had, all directed towards Molly Weasley, for being so ignorant and egocentric as to not once worrying how Hermione might be doing, for totally ignoring the fact that she might be influenced by the death of someone so near to her, for choosing to turn the blind eye and refusing to step out of her state of denial.

Hermione was sure everybody would know everything by now, or at least everything Molly could tell them, and they would all demand she told them everything later. The knowledge left her drained and frustrated. She didn't really want to tell everyone what happened, not like this anyway, it should have come up quietly, when she thought the time was right, not because of a fight. Hermione sighed and leaned over the small grave and picked a rose out of one of the buckets. It was a beautiful flower, a deep, intense burgundy red, perfectly shaped petals, and its head proudly raised. She turned it around in her hand and brought it to her nose to smell it, and placed it at her heart afterwards. She closed her eyes and tried to breath deeply and calmly. She didn't hear the steps behind her, and didn't notice the presence of a second person before she heard a voice behind her.

"Hermione, will you be all right?" Remus soft baritone sounded behind her. Hermione started, taken completely by surprise.

"How did you find me?" she asked monotonously.

"I know you," came the answer. Hermione said nothing, just turned her head from him and back to the grave, while she continued to roll the red rose between her fingers. Remus didn't talk either, he just stood behind her, waiting for her to take the first step.

"I don't want to go back," she said after a while, "Everybody's going to want to know what happened, and I don't really want to talk to them right now, much less explain everything…"

"You have to go back," Remus answered, "But we can wait a while, until you calm down. I told Molly to tell the others what happened, and Sirius will be there to tell them what she can't. They will be informed of the state of things when we return, and you can talk to them when you want, okay?" she nodded mutely, and just sat still for a while. Then she sighed and stood up, but didn't move further. Remus took a step towards her and wrapped his arms around her from behind, hugging her close.

"Hermione everything will be all right, I promise you," he said seriously. Hermione turned around and returned his embrace, feeling safe in his arms, just as she had earlier that morning. She looked up at him after a moment.

"Thank you," she said softly, then pressed a small kiss to the edge of his mouth, as if she hadn't been able to decide whether to kiss him on his mouth or his cheek. Remus felt his lips tingle at the soft touch, but as soon as it had started it was gone and Hermione had stepped out of his embrace.

"Let's get back to the others," she said.

Hermione didn't say a word to anyone when they got back, she just walked directly to the attic where she sat down with a book, hoping no one would find her. Buckbeak was no longer there, he had been set free in the forbidden forest after the war. The ministry had after all given up the search years before. The attic was still smelly though, and it was dark. Hermione waved her wand and three burning candles appeared above her head as she settled down against the wall to read. She had just picked up a novel from the floor, probably one Sirius had left there in his time of being trapped in the house. She didn't know how long she sat up there alone, an hour, maybe two. But then someone knocked on the door.

"Hermione, are you in there?" Harry's voice sounded from outside. Hermione didn't answer him.

"Hermione, answer me!" Harry said sternly, but she still didn't say anything.

"Alohomora." The charm was just a whisper, but it didn't escape Hermione's notice, and she sighed and closed her eyes, leaning her head against the wall.

"Hermione I'm so sorry," Harry knelt down beside her and pulled her in for a hug, "I had no idea that it affected you that much, and I should've had."

"No Harry, I couldn't ask you to understand that, not even you. You ought to celebrate everything, you shouldn't have to deal with my being silly," Hermione sniffed, her voice a bit hoarse.

"You're not being silly Hermione! It's ok to be sad about it, and I should've seen and known that you couldn't handle it all on your own, I should've been there for you, because I know what it feels like to be alone. I'm so sorry Hermione, I really am." Tears fell slowly from Hermione's eyes and Harry hugged her closer. They sat like that for at least an hour, talking through everything, and Hermione felt so much better now that her best friend was informed. And he understood, he really did. He didn't blame her for feeling low, he didn't abandon her for not being strong.

"Where's Ron and Ginny?" she asked once they had risen and Hermione had dried her eyes.

"I don't know," Harry answered, "I think they're really embarrassed about everything, because they didn't notice anything was wrong, and because they didn't seem to care. They do care deeply for you Hermione, they just…" Harry didn't seem to know how to continue.

"I know," Hermione said, "They've just never been in a similar situation, never felt the same kind of loss, and therefore can't even begin to comprehend how that must feel. Why do you think I kept it all inside? I knew they couldn't even begin to understand what could possibly break the strong, rocklike Hermione Granger they know, and I wasn't sure they could handle it. And to be honest I wasn't sure you could either." She looked down, feeling embarrassed.

"Why is it you always think of everybody else before yourself Hermione?" Harry shook his head, chuckling lightly, "It's not always good for you, you should've talked to us earlier. Perhaps neither Ron or Ginny will be able to understand completely, but they would've helped you through."

"Are you sure?" The question was simple, but Harry didn't answer, because in truth he wasn't sure. He was sure they would have wanted to help her, badly, but he wasn't sure they would've been able to.

"Come on, let's go down. Mrs Weasley will probably have lunch ready by now," he said softly instead.

Hermione didn't look anyone in the eye when she walked down into the kitchen with Harry. No one said anything. Hermione didn't see Remus anywhere and her heart fell slightly. She had hoped he'd be there for her to hide behind.