Hellar there - here's a surprise for you, eh? Me back already? What is going on with the world? Well I was replying to reviews and decided I would spend a bit of time asking the guys your questions. Rather than doing assignments... ah well.

Easy code for you: Questions are in BoldItalics. Answers are as follows: A= Artemis, B= Butler, F= Foaly, H= Holly, J= Juliet, M= Mulch

Questions from:

CherryBerryB

KKCopper

tech17

BookwormGirl16

I realise this hasn't been updated in about 2 years ago so thanks to everyone who reviewed since then. Enjoy :)

What was your first/favourite pet?

A: I have a fairly utilitarian view on animals. That is to say, in layman's terms, all animals have a purpose. My first pet was likely forced upon me by my mother. It was likely something small and furry that was then removed from the manor discreetly by The Major under instruction of my father. My favourite pet now? That would be Alphonso, my Irish Thoroughbred Gelding. He is excellently well behaved and allows me to convince my mother I am exercising whilst putting in minimum effort.

B: The family always had a dog whilst I was young. The first I remember was a Caucasian Shepherd named Blue. There were many more but he is the one that sticks most in my mind. I also once helped Juliet hide a hamster named 'Hercules' from my uncle. That was quite a feat considering his Houdini-like qualities and knack for hiding behind skirtingboards. The hamster, that is. Not my uncle.

F: I never really had a pet. I have allergies to some types of fur. Yes I know, laugh it up. A centaur with a fur allergy. But I did have a virtual pet. I suppose you mud-peeps would liken it to a Tamagotchi-thing. It lived for two whole years until the batteries ran out. I was devastated. Or at least until I created a new one...

H: I always wanted a pet but all I had when I was a kid was a sweartoad named D'Arvit. What? It was what he said!

J: Aww, it has to be Herky. He was a hamster. It's a long story, but I begged Dom for a pet for Christmas and he just got me one of those wind up hamsters that whizzed along tables and pretty well across polished wood floors, but it leaves scratches you have to hide under rugs... where was I? Oh yeah. So then I went and bought one from a pet shop. I hid it for, like, three days before he found on. Then he helped me keep Herc hidden from uncle. Then he escaped, then uncle laid mouse traps, then we found Herc, then he made us hoover every single hamster turd from the entire manor...

M: My favourite pet, other than my pet rock Elvis, has got to be Stevie the Stinkworm. I kept him in a box of mud under my bed for three months before the box disintegrated and he escaped through the floor. Sad times.

What kind of car/vehicle would you pick if you had the choice?

A: Choice? You say that as though there are vehicles I am incapable of obtaining. Regardless of that comment, if you are meaning for myself to drive, I would have to pick an aeroplane of sorts as I am not, as is well documented, proficient with controlling a land-based vehicle such as a car. I enjoy flying my family's Lear Jet. It's quick and easy to fly and gets me where I need to go. What else would one want from a vehicle?

B: Depends entirely on the situation. Of course, any vehicle needs to be robust - preferably bomb-proof, although most aren't. In terms of every day use, and perhaps you'd accuse me of sentimentality if you were stupid enough to, I'd choose my uncle's old Bentley. It's tough, reliable and never let us down before.

F: Erm... I don't travel much. I'd guess I'd have to say that my new favourite is the centaur version of what you muds call a Segway. Saves me a lot of time anyway, even if Callabine says it doesn't help my belly. I know she likes it really...

H: A shuttle. Any kind, any where. Most pilots reckon the newer the pod, the faster the ride, but I don't think you don't get the same buzz. Give me a slammer any day, I like to feel the controls working and do everything myself rather than the new automatic, voice-activating ones. Sorry Foaly and all that, but your new-fangled flyers just aren't the same.

J: Hmm. Well obviously I like stuff like cross-bikes and jets, but the best thing I have ever driven has got to be a tank in one of our lessons at Ko's. Seriously. It was awesome. If anyone ever gets the chance to drive one - do it. If I thought I could get away with driving one round Belfast... Well, traffic-jams would be a thing of the past! Tanks for the win!

M: I've driven/ridden/flown pretty much one of everything ever made, but when it comes to it, pump-power wins all. What? It's just like anyone other than my fellow dwarves, saying walking is their favourite way to get around.

Who was your first friend?

A: To answer this, would be to define the term 'friend', given to an associate closer than others, I determine you mean. Obviously, being as I was as a child, I did not have many 'friends'. You expect me to say Butler, of course and yes, you would probably be right. But, with regards to someone closer to my age, Juliet could be considered to be my first true friend. She was the one who taught me how to be childish, how to hide my misdemeanours from my parents... and her own relatives... and also how to perform a high-five. She is very much the elder sister I never had.

B: Splitting friends from colleagues is a difficult one. I don't like to give out the title of 'friend' to many, and never to anyone who I would not trust with my life. All of my friends would probably give their lives for me, as I would for them. But still. I couldn't decide who was my first. Probably the dog I mentioned earlier. I was always closer to animals as a child. Human-wise, probably someone from the academy. I never got on with anyone from my 'normal' childhood school.

F: I never had many friends. I think I scared them away with my intellect. Oh alright... I was a nerd. My friends were my books and projects *sniff*. You're supposed to feel sorry for me here... I only started having proper friends when I started my job at the LEP. Holly, for example.

H: I was always out on the street with our neighbourhoods local gangs. So I guess my loyalties shifted lots. I tell you one guy I've known for a long time and fought side by side from being a kid with a lump of clay against another gang of twenty-year-olds up to being in the LEP with a Neutrino. Trouble Kelp is probably my longest-standing pal.

J: My first friend was... hmm. I wasn't like the other girls. I never had a 'bezzie' or 'BFF' or whatever. Dom has been the only friend I've had forever. He taught me most of the stuff I know, whether that's a good thing or not. But he's my big bro, so I don't know if he counts. Then there's Arty of course. And I taught him everything he knows about being an actual kid. It probably is Arty, actually. How sad is that?

M: Hmm. Probably one of my cousins. We were always getting eachother in and out of scrapes.

Who is your current best friend?

A: This question has been asked to me many times. It's ridiculous to expect me to choose between the close circle of people I do refer to as 'friends'. If they have been good enough to me to earn the title of 'friend', then they would be a best friend by anyone else's standards, regardless.

B: 'Best friend' is an overused term in my opinion. If you are lucky enough to be counted as a friend then that enough should be enough. The rank of 'best' merely causes arguments.

F: Right, I can't say anyone in case it causes arguments. Callabine, Holly, Trubs... maybe even Mulch, are my best and longest friends.

H: Ah I can't pick one. Best fairy? It's between Foaly and Trouble. Mulch is a pain and I can't trust him all the way, I know him too well. Humans? Obviously Arty is up there, and I would have been shoved in a recycler years ago if it wasn't for Butler. And then there's Juliet of course, she's got a similar mindset to me, or at least when she's not swooning over wrestlers she has.

J: I was lucky enough to be born with him there ready for me. My best friend is, and always will be, my big brother. Nuff said really. He won't bitch about me. He won't backstab me. He already knows all my secrets and will never tell them. You don't get better friends than family.

M: Friends are risky things to have in my ca... um... my past career. The best friend I could have hoped to gain has to be Holly. I mean, who would've thought an ex-criminal like me would buddy up with an ex-police officer like her?

What is your favourite song or Who is your favourite artist/group/composer?

A: An interesting question. I cannot possibly choose one out of the infinite amounts of music that I have heard or know the existence of. Classical, is my favourite genre, although I must admit, I often prefer composing than listening to music. There are mistakes to be argued in even the greatest of composers music.

B: I haven't the time to listen to music. If I had, it wouldn't be on those ridiculous headphones. Whoever invented them was probably someone intent on sneaking up on the users of their invention. It annoys me how nine out of ten teenagers wander around with their ears plugged with blaring music. Is it any wonder there are more and more attacks on young people when their all half-deaf one way or another?

F: I do like the old country songs like 'If It Looks Like A Dwarf And Smells Like A Dwarf Its Probably A Dwarf Or A Latrine In Dungarees' and 'If You Call A Centaur A Donkey He Will Hit You In The Face If He Has A Carrot To Hand'... yeah... the good old songs like that.

H: I don't know. I guess whatever is on the radio really. If it comes on and I don't turn it off then it's alright by me! I don't like the mopey songs people listen to when they're sad. I don't like funeral songs either - if you're going to listen to music when you're upset, it should be to cheer you up, not make you bawl your eyes out.

J: Hmm. I tend to change my fave song a lot. I like dubstep and other stuff without words in it, but also some of the greatest songs carry real meaning in their lyrics. I really like ones you can interpret yourself however you want. I don't do the classical stuff Arty likes. It just drones on forever most of the time. Good for falling asleep though...

M: Music. That depends on your definition of music. My favourite genre is Posterior, but you mudpeople won't have heard of that. When a big Posterior band gets together... it brings tears to my eyes. Well, the gas does... but seriously, those fairies have talent.

What is the stupidest thing you've ever done?

A: I do not do stupid things. That is not to say I never have, but on the scale of things, I have never acted stupidly. I have made mistakes, of course. Such as kidnapping Captain Short, meeting Jon Spiro in a fish restaurant etc. The 'stupidest' thing as you put it, is probably none of these. It is probably when, aged just six, I promised Juliet that she could teach me to kickbox if she would stop singing the infernal tune 'I've Got A Song That Will Get On Your Nerves'. Needless to say, it did get on my nerves. I do however believe she got in great trouble over the matter and it has not been discussed at length since.

B: I'm a bodyguard. Doing stupid things in my line of work usually leads to chaos of some kind - if you're lucky, serious injury and death if you're not. The stupidest thing I have ever done is probably ever even think that I could follow every single one of Madame Ko's rules until the day I died. Well, I did. Mostly. Then some kind soul brought me back for another attempt. And another. And then another. Each time I have failed to be the perfect bodyguard, but hey, who needs to be perfect?

F: Oh don't ask me this. Artemis will find out and... argh... OK. So once I thought it would be a good idea to make a massive project for the school science fair. When it came to the day I went to carry my project to school and well... two things; one, it was far to heavy for me to move. And two... well, it was too big to fit through my bedroom door.

H: Hmm. I know I've made a hell of a lot of mistakes in the past but I'm reckoning you want to hear the funny ones, rather than the ones where there's a lot of... You want the funny ones, right? Well once, I thought it would be a fantastic idea to build a zipwire from the top of my apartment block to the fountain. Safe splash landing, or so I thought. Unfortunately, although the wire I used was great, coathangers come off very easily when you swing from side to side whooping like a banshee. Ah well. I landed on a crate of surface vegetables. Very expensive actually, but no damage to me!

J: Ah. If you guys think I'm going to start reeling off all my mistakes then you're mistaken. We'd be here all day, for starters! I think the stupidest things I've ever done are things like challenge other people to stuff I clearly can't win. Like my uncle at shooting stuff. And Arty at chess. And Dom at wrestling... none of which ended well.

M: The past me would say getting involved in the Artemis Fowl business. But that's the past me. Really, it's probably when I tried to sell some black-market stuff to one of Julius's squeals. He ribbed me for that one forever...

Do you have any bad/embarrassing habits or obsessions?

A: As for obsessions, obviously I would have to say my complex. Although I am overcoming it, I still find myself compelled to count some things. Other than that, my bad habits are probably constantly plotting, even if I never put them into practice any more. Well, perhaps not never...

B: Juliet says that my worst habit is never being able to stand down from the job. She calls it being 'twitchy'. I call it being prepared at all times. Other than that, I would say the compulsion I get to make sure my gun is in full working order, especially at times of stress. Then again I reckon most people would find that understandable and reasonable. 'Times of stress' for me usually means I will be needing it to be ready to shoot soon enough.

F: Callabine tells me its that I always have a computer booted up beside the bed. She says she can't sleep with it whirring away. But if I don't have it I get panicky and then she can't sleep either. We've settled on her allowing me to have one turned off next to the bed, just in case I think up a new idea...

H: Ahh I knew you were going to ask me this one. Probably the issue I have with taking orders when I think I know best. It's always turned out ok in the end though so apart from that, I tend to bite my nails a bit. Especially when I'm bored. Seriously, if I had a desk job, I would have no fingertips left...

J: If you asked Dom, he would reel off a list as long as one off his arms. Which is long, in case you are an idiot who didn't know. I mean, if he had short arms how stupid would... there you go. One of my bad habits... Getting easily distracted and rambling off. Like this one time when... I'll shut up now. What did you ask again? Oh, obsessions? Wrestling, obviously - and becoming the best I can be. Which is a good thing, right? The second one I mean... there I go again...

M: Letting off in awkward/dangerous/down right inappropriate situations. I can't help it. It's my stomach... and it's got me into trouble many times in the past and probably will do in the future too!

What is your favourite colour and why?

A: Too say gold would be a cliché, perhaps. But I have been brought up around it, always fascinated by it. To choose another would be simply falsity.

B: Again, it depends on the situation. My favourite colour changes with the situation. For example, if I'm in a desert, it would be sand-coloured. A forest, camouflaged greens. Snow, white or light grey. If I just need to stay hidden, usually black. What? Why wouldn't my favourite colour be the one that keeps me alive at the time?

F: Probably silver. The colour of technology. The colour of inventions and gadgets. Most things like that are silver. Maybe I could change that... hmm...

H: A toss up between red and green. Two completely different colours, I know. But red is me, firey, determined, hot blooded. Then there's green, my career, the person I have to be - calm, collected... Ha ha who am I kidding...

J: I'm going to go with green... no! Wait... black. No - blue. Like um... that blue the sky goes just before it goes dark... celestial blue I think it's called. Yeah. That one.

M: Mud-brown. As Granny Diggums used to say; Calms the heart, makes you... Well. It's my favourite colour anyway.

What is something you've always wanted to do, but haven't yet?

A: I would have said 'save the world' a few years ago, but I suppose I've already done that a few times over now. Save the world once and for all, win a Nobel prize under my own name. Sit down to a Christmas dinner with my family. I'm sorry - were you expecting me to say sky-diving?

B: Hmm. I've done a lot in my life. I gave up on anything other than becoming a bodyguard at a very young age and haven't looked back since. Seriously. To ask me what I haven't done would give you a shorter list. How about: Stay alive whilst guarding Artemis for an entire year since meeting The People? That would be a good thing to aim for.

F: It's always been to invent the next big thing. As soon as I've made something, it starts again. Oh and obviously be an awesome father and raise the next... well, the next me, actually.

H: It used to be: Make it safe for fairy people to live above ground. Whatever that takes. But then I accidently made friends with some mud-people and my plan for elimination of humans went out the window... Since then. I don't know. Make it safe for fairy people to live above ground without eradicating a species?

J: Hmm. I've done a lot in my life. What do you mean my brother just said the exact same thing? Did he? Probably because of Ko. She makes you do everything. You know like those people that try to scare the bejeesus out of poor little guide-dog-to-be puppies to make them bombproof when they grow up and do their jobs? Well, that's what she does to us. Seriously.

M: Well it's not be a fire breather etc. How's about live the quiet life? Am I serious? No. I don't know.

Do you have a crush on anyone at the moment?

A: A crush? Again, as when you asked me about my 'first crush', I assume you mean whether I find myself physically attracted to anyone. Don't be idiotic. I am a teenage boy, of course my hormones cause these 'crushes' to occur... honestly!

B: Quite simply, no. I don't have a love life, nor do I seek one. Bodyguarding is my life now. I started to give up the choice to have another at the age of ten and sealed that at eighteen. To be honest I would probably find it harder to live as someone's romantic partner. I really don't need another person in my life that I feel I have to have to guard. Juliet, Artemis, Holly and the others give me enough grey hairs to shave off as it is, without someone else needing attention and protecting.

F: How dare you ask me such a question! I'm married! Callabine is my only love! Besides, even with the centaur tradition to take more than one wife, there isn't a wide selection of centaurs to choose from. That and Callabine would kill me with a blunt hoof file for so much as suggesting it...

H: A crush? Puh-lease. I grew out of 'crushes' when I was, like, thirty. No. And I wouldn't be spilling my guts to you lot even if I did!

J: Aww that's so cute you asking me that. No-one's taking my fancy at the moment, unfortunately. Hey wait, did you ask the others that? I bet their answers were hilarious. Aww what do you mean they didn't tell you anything interesting? Dammit I've been asking for ages too...

M: Well, I can't say that I haven't become quite the stud since my adventures... OK, yes I can. I'm not currently being chased by hoards of eager dwarfesses... yet. But then again, as a species, we don't tend to read so much. Give it time to get out just what a hero I am... I don't know, although I attract the ladies with my fartistic talents as it is. I just haven't picked any yet...

What is your most prized possession?

A: My prized possession is my mind. Without it I would be nowhere, which is why the Atlantis Complex affected me so badly. As of my more material belongings, it would be hard to choose. But there is of course, my collection of art pieces. Secretly, the first decoded copy of The Fairy Book ranks highly in my list of prized possessions.

B: I've answered this before I think. Either way, it is my Blue Diamond Tattoo. Without it, my life would never have been the same. And what I put in to get it... Only one person has the power to remove it and if she knew how the life of her youngest graduate turned out, she might think to take it back. Hopefully she'd look at the bigger picture of course... Other than that, my Sig Sauer. I've had her...uh, it... for years and she's never let me down once.

F: I can't say my wife because she'll hit me for calling her a 'possession' so I'll have to say my intellect. It is unsurpassable. Hey, what do you mean Artemis... I'm smarter and I will prove it!

H: My very first Acorns, given to me by Julius. No matter how many promotions or awards come after them, the first are always the most important. Especially for me since it was Julius who gave them to me and so gave me a chance when no-one else would.

J: Hmm... so many choices. I really wish I had a Blue Diamond then it would be easy to pick that. As it is... I really don't know. I've got some stuff I'd be upset if I lost. Like my Jade Ring, the symbol of me becoming more independent. The Sig my uncle left to me, even though he always said the Berretta would have suited me better...

M: My digestive system. Full stop. Oscars and gold would have been unattainable without it. As would staying alive as long as I have so far. Starting with my gnashers right down to... well. You get the idea. Without it I simply wouldn't be alive. And not just because I would've starved to death. It's got me out of many a tight squeeze before now. And into them in the first place actually, but we'll skip that bit.

What do you think of Orion?

A: I can't honestly say I despise him. All I can say is that I am entirely in disbelief to this day that he is a part of myself. All that poetry and 'fair maiden' nonsense. Juliet calls him my karma payback for my misdeeds in the past. He seeks to embarrass me at every opportunity and I honestly think of him as my evil twin some of the time, a mere annoyance at others.

B: He's the least harmful part of Artemis's Atlantis Complex. I don't think he knows who I am though. He calls me the 'Gentle Giant' and 'Brave Knight' most of the time - which is at least not as bad as what he calls Holly. Orion is physically identical to my charge but mentally the opposite. It's interesting to see what Artemis might have been like if he hadn't have grown up like he did. Or if he had grown up in a fairytale land...

F: I think he's a hilarious and brilliant side-effect to Artemis's Atlantis. I've often wondered just how much of Artemis's intelligence he has. It would be quite amusing to get him to help me with a project and then claim the credit. Obviously I don't need him to, I have quite enough intelligence of my own of course. But still...

H: Honestly, he's as funny as he is annoying. His whole 'fair maiden' obsession gets irritating quickly enough, I mean, who is he calling a 'fair maiden'? I've saved that mudboy's backside more times than Mulch has farted in a shuttle. And trust me, you don't want to be there when that happens. Erm... yeah. That's all I have to say on the matter really.

J: Aww I think he's everything Arty's not! He's like the complete opposite of, like, a twelve year old Artemis. He's hilarious. And whenever he wakes up I get to ask him loads of stuff! Then Artemis wakes up and... well he's never happy... but ah well. It's a laugh for the rest of us! And if you're interested, he tends to call me 'brave maiden' or 'knightly maiden' which sounds a bit like a euphemism for a hooker but you know...

M: He's brilliant. You ask him stuff that dear little Arty would never answer and he come right out with it. It's hilarious! Of course Artemis argues the toss with you later about it being all lies, but still. Orion is fun while he lasts!

What do you think is your greatest personality flaw and why?

A: You are assuming of course that I have one. And perhaps, yes, that is it. I find that others find my intelligence a little much some times and take my knowledgeable status on almost any situation as arrogance. Of course, most of the time they are simply irate at being proved incorrect.

B: One that's caused me a lot of trouble and sleepless nights in the past. I have a pathological, compulsive need to protect people. Particularly when they're in trouble. Unless of course, I'm causing the trouble, or they deserve it. It's not a bad trait in a bodyguard on the whole, but I'm supposed to be able to narrow down the field to who I'm contracted to protect. I do, sometimes, and the Fowls always come first, I just find that lives tend to be a better incentive than money. Luckily I'm usually good enough at my job to protect a number of people at a time. Of course there have been exceptions. Not that I'm willing to discuss them.

F: Well, people tell me I'm a bit paranoid. I'm not that paranoid. I've even put my collection of tinfoil hats into a display cabinet. Admittedly because Callabine asked me to... and made me promise not to open the cabinet for another 100 years when according to her the weapons of mind-reading they protect me from may actually have been invented... Oh, and people tell me I'm a techo-snob, but I think they're all just jealous.

H: I'm going to have to say my quick temper and tending to jump into things. I actually consider it to be a pretty good trait. It's got to be a good things I make decisions quickly right? Although admittedly it has got me into trouble a few times... The fish truck thing, the troll thing, the other troll thing, the Chix's wing thing... etc. Then again it's saved me too - the thing after the troll things, the thing after the Chix's wing thing... etc.

J: Probably that I don't pay attention enough. Or when I do, I tend to not listen very much and loose concentration... Dom used to tell me off for this all the time, Uncle tried to train it out of me with allsorts and then when I went to the academy Madam Ko said it was one of the things stopping me getting my blue diamond. Ah well. It doesn't matter so much with wrestling.

M: Woop an easy one. Guess it's gotta be my kleptomaniac-ky-ness. I try not to. It's not my fault! If you saw, I don't know, a massive chocolate cake, you'd take a slice if you could, right? Well I see my chocolate cakes on people's wrists, I see them bulging out of pockets... It's very hard to stick with this no chocolate cake diet...

Righty-ho that's it for now. If you think of anymore feel free to ask but I can't promise the wait will be anything less than 2 years haha :)

In the meantime, you might as well hear that I'm getting on with writing my next big fic after 'In The Path of Bullets' and yes, that was a bit of *shameless-self-advertising-alert* there - haha :)

Till next time,

Wolfy
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