I can't believe I forgot, but Lavinia wasn't in episode 4 at all. After fuming for a little while, I got my thoughts and ideas together and wrote. Hope you like it, it's (almost) all me…
x
Pre-Episode 5 (is set in Episode 4) - 1918
Chapter 4
It was very quiet.
I had had to leave Downton weeks ago, Papa needed me and I couldn't leave him alone at home, though he was at work today… Matthew had indeed not been able to see me before he left, so it was just Mary and I in the few days I until I had to leave. I remembered the day she had spent with me in Lord Grantham's library…
"Do you care for Shakespeare?" Mary called to me from the other end of the library, stretching up on her toes to see the books on a high shelf.
"I… haven't read much of his." I admitted. To be honest, I had read none. It was embarrassing, I knew next to nothing of the classics, and Mary had most likely read them all ten times over.
She walked over to where I sat on one of the red sofas. She sat next to me and leaned in suddenly; her cheek brushing against mine and whispered, "I was never much fond of Shakespeare either."
A shudder ran through me as I felt her breathe the words into my ear, it must have tickled. She pulled back and smiled at me, "Though I read Twelfth Night a number of years ago, and it did make me laugh." she smiled, "Though sometimes I wonder at Olivia falling for Viola… I wonder had she known Viola was a woman all along."
"Perhaps…" was all I could say, puzzled by this conversation.
"No matter," she smiled and stood, "How are you for Jane Austen?" Mary strolled over to a nearby shelf, running her fingers along the spine of a book, and looked to me for an answer.
Mary said herself she had not much of a taste for favoured literature, which made me braver in my ignorance of the famous author, "No… I never had much of a fondness for typical romance. Although, I do admire her work, Sense and Sensibility I enjoyed."
It was true… although I hadn't quite finished it.
"I agree, but confess I have never opened another. I prefer poetry sometimes…" Mary said, walking to another shelf and selecting a book immediately, she seemed to know its place well. She sat back down next to me and opening the large book, found a certain page and, pointing to a verse, said, "This one is my favourite, but there are others…"
"May I?" I reached for the book and my fingers brushed hers. Mary smiled and passed it to me.
I read the verse she had named as her favourite and read aloud, feeling myself blush deeper and deeper with every line.
"First, we loved well and faithfully,
Yet knew not what we loved, nor why;
Difference of sex no more we knew,
Than our guardian angels do;
Coming and going, we
Perchance might kiss, but not between those meals:
Our hands ne'er touched the seals,
Which nature, injured by late law, sets free.
These miracles we did; but now, alas,
All measure and all language I should pass,
Should I tell what a miracle she was."
I lowered the book, and chanced a look at Mary. A faint blush had risen to her cheeks, and she was looking down at her hands, which were clasped in her lap.
"Mary?"
She looked up, blushing deeper, "Yes?"
"Have… have you ever…" I felt foolish, stammering like a child as I spoke.
Her eyes grew wide, "Lavinia! You don't mean…"
A shock ran through me as I realised how my words sounded.
"NO! No!" my words were strung together in a gasp, "No, I only meant…have you ever been kissed…"
"Oh." Mary said. She did not go on. I waited as patiently as I could, but-
"Was your first kiss with Matthew?" I felt almost…jealous. But not of her…
"No." was all she said, she gave nothing else away.
"Oh…a sweetheart then?" Perhaps a man she had once confessed her love to, given him a lock of her hair perhaps…
"No. He was not a sweetheart. He was nothing but a-" she took a deep breath and closed her eyes, hiding the fire in them.
So what had he been then… what had he been, to her?
She opened her eyes.
"He was charming. Handsome. And…"
And what?
"He did not care for me. I meant nothing to him. Only a prize at the end of the chase. Some trophy of amusement, I wonder." Mary's eyes were dull as she spoke, as if she thought herself worthless.
I took her hand, "Mary, he did not deserve to breathe the air you do, let alone kiss you without caring for you." my voice did not shake, this dreadful man's effect on her made me braver, although being this close to her, holding her hand, her skin soft against mine-
Her eyes darted to my face, and she smiled sadly, "How about you?"
Oh. Me.
"Has Matthew…?"
"Yes…" my reply was not much, not what it should have been.
I couldn't tell what was in her eyes…she only looked at me, waiting for an answer, but to serve what desire in her?
"Yes, but-" how could I say it? When Matthew kissed me I felt nothing of what I thought love should be. I felt no desire to respond, to reciprocate, I only felt…
"But?" her voice was supporting, encouraging.
"Never mind. What else shall we do?" I had shied away from the subject with a false smile on my lips, as well I should. I was marrying him, and that was the end of it. No one else would have me, whether I would be happy or not in our marriage was irrelevant.
Mary had shut the book she held and put it away, a small frown on her lips as she did.
I had wanted to tell her. So badly, but I hardly even knew what I would say or what I felt. It was all confusing, all impossible and painful.
I sat in the front room of my London home, the sunlight streaming in through the wide windows while I embroidered, and felt… homesick? But this was my home, I-
I was missing Downton. Missing… what?
"Don't worry, she won't bite." Mary smiled at me as the mare nuzzled at her shoulder. Mary had brought me out to the stables today, and 'introduced me to someone', as she had put it, a lovely 'grey' mare, which was funny, as there was nothing grey about her, she was a soft white, like snow. I had seen horses in fields before, quite often in the car on the way to Downton, but up close I realised how big they were, it was rather intimidating.
The horse had stuck her head over the lower part of the door to her stall almost as soon as Mary and I had approached, and butted her head against Mary's arm, receiving a neck rub and one of my friend's warmest smiles. Mary had led the horse out of her stall, and tied her to a post out in the yard so she could introduce the two of us 'properly'.
Mary held out her hand to me, and I held out mine confusedly, feeling her press something into my palm, a sugar lump. I glanced up at her, "Mary, what-"
"Feed it to her. She'll be your friend for life." Mary smiled at me, both she and the horse blinked at me, two pairs of deep brown eyes looking at me expectantly.
Trying my best to ignore the fear of something so large, I stepped forward, "Well, since you're both ganging up on me…"
Mary smirked as I held out my hand, the sweet offering placed in my curled palm. The horse's head came forward eagerly, and I felt hot breath on my fingers and large teeth scraped wetly against my skin. I jumped back, a cry of shock escaped me, "You said she wouldn't bite!" I accused Mary.
She could hardly speak for giggling and I couldn't help the frown on my lips as I stood there, feeling foolish. The horse didn't seem to mind the drama around her; she was munching happily on the treat, quite unaffected.
Mary caught her breath, pressing her lips together, trying to keep from grinning, "I'm sorry, just your expression…" my frown stayed where it was, and Mary smiled, walking up to me, "Well, first of all, you were holding it wrong, silly of me, I should have told you…" she touched my elbow and brought me forward, stepping around me and holding my other arm, her chest now pressed lightly to my back.
"Like this…" Mary slid her hand into mine and softly uncurled my fingers until my hand was flat. Another moment and she turned my arm so my palm faced upward; one more lump of sugar appeared and was placed in my palm as I stretched out my hand, half dreading the outcome, perhaps this time I would lose a finger… Enthusiastically, the mare stretched out her neck to reach the sugar, which was still out of reach.
"Go on…" Mary whispered, her chin on my shoulder, and I felt her press herself into my back, encouraging me to walk closer, I didn't want to move, but I stepped forward, Mary's thigh brushed the back of mine, and I took another step. I swallowed hard and straightened my arm, practically forcing my hand away from myself. At last, the mare lowered her head to my hand, whiskers tickled my skin and a rough tongue swept up the sugar, followed by crunching noises and a satisfied look in the horse's eyes, leaving my hand unscathed, much to my relief.
After a moment I realised I was no longer interesting to the horse, I had no treats left.
I found myself smiling, and Mary's voice breathed beside me, "Now, how was that?"
Mary still stood with me, so close I could feel her, and I turned my head to see, our noses almost touching, as she still rested her chin on my shoulder, smiling at me in delight. What do I say? Lovely? Wonderful? Perfect? How could I tell her how special this moment was, how much it meant to me, something we shared, just us two?
As friends, of course…
"I never knew… your eyes are a lighter green than I thought." Mary said, her voice hushed. Her words may have sounded absent minded, but her own eyes, the deepest brown, were trapping me in their warmth. As she wondered about my eyes and I wondered about her, this strange tightness heated my chest, and I found myself unsure of when I last breathed. A soft gasp from Mary, soft but perceptible, and I blinked, my eyelids felt heavy… we were closer than I thought…
"Lavinia…" could I be imagining my name as a sigh from her lips?
"Oh!" Mary gasped suddenly, my heart leapt in shock at her cry, and she fell against me, then, righting herself, whirled around to see the horse. As… distracted and unsuspecting as we both had been, we hadn't noticed the mare had stepped around us and was now trying her best to reach the sugar in Mary's skirt pocket, and I realised, blushing fiercely, the horse had succeeded only in brushing Mary's bottom with her nose.
"You naughty thing!" Mary scolded, her voice sounded breathless and yet almost a laugh, "That is most indecent of you!"
The creature looked startled for a moment, and then proceeded with her search, bumping Mary's hip and pushing her into me. Mary very nearly fell back, until I took hold of her waist, stepping away from the curious animal, "Perhaps we should-"
"Lynch!" Mary called, her voice not too commanding, yet it carried her authority with it, no doubt the result of a childhood with privilege.
A middle-aged man appeared; round the side of the stables, dressed in clean, well-worn yard clothes; I supposed he was the groom.
"Yes, my Lady?" he walked up to us, taking the horse's lead rope.
"Please take her back to her stall. She's proved herself most cheeky today." Mary's eyebrows narrowed, and this time it was I who tried not to smile, she was clearly not amused. The man looked quite confused, and he looked at me most strangely.
I then realised my hands were still on Mary's waist, almost upon her hips. I stepped away, and the groom looked down, abashed at having been staring, and led the horse away. I looked back to Mary.
"So what was her name, anyway? The horse." I inquired.
Mary's lips twisted into an ironic smile, "Imp," she said plainly.
I laughed, "You might have told me that before!"
She giggled with me, and that tight feeling came back into my chest, my heart felt as if it were fluttering… so much excitement in one day…
"Oh!" the exclamation of pain left me before I knew what had happened. I had pricked my finger with the needle, quite hard actually, and it began to bleed. I looked down at my hand, squeezing it to numb the sharp twinge in my finger. I then noticed something which made me giggle.
I hadn't been paying attention to my embroidery, and had stitched in the leaves of a flower blue, the petals green and a few droplets of blood from my finger had fallen and stained it. I had already written myself off as terrible at sewing and embroidering; now I knew myself as hopeless. Oh, well. At least I acknowledged it, and simply accepted my flaws while smiling, unaffected.
Hidden-Forbidden-Passion
The phone rang. I went out into the hall and answered it, I had gotten fairly used to the thing, it was quite useful.
"Hello?"
"Lavinia?" Mary's voice came through the phone and I blinked in surprise. I hadn't expected a call from Downton, much less from Mary.
"Yes." I said, my voice was a bit faint…
"Hello." I didn't know how, but I thought she was smiling on the other end…
"You know how to use the phone?" I asked, rather stupidly, I realised after I had said it.
She laughed on the other end, "Yes, I'm not completely incompetent, you know."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"
Another laugh, "That's not what I meant, either."
"Oh." I said.
"I'm just calling to see if you wanted to visit Downton. It's been weeks since I last saw you, and anyway, there's going to be a concert."
"Oh, really?" I brightened at the prospect of going to Downton Abbey; I had been quite lonely at home by myself.
"Yes, it's for the soldiers, we have to keep their spirits up."
"Are you going to sing? Because that I'd definitely come to see." I grinned; relieved she couldn't see me right then.
"I am,actually." Mary sounded a bit sulky, and I tried not to giggle.
"Oh?"
"Yes." she sighed, "Mama has been most insistent, and I must sing accompanied by my sister on the piano. I told Edith, one song and that's her lot, though I expect she'll want to do a whole medley…"
"Well, then, I most certainly will come to see you." I mentally chastised myself for saying I'd come to see her.
"You had better not laugh at me." she warned, and I grinned again.
"I wouldn't dare." I assured her.
"Well, the concert's tomorrow night, come at eight."
I smiled, "All right."
"I'll have Branson come and pick you up, then?"
"Yes, I-" I began to apologise for the trouble, but Mary seemed fine with it all.
"I'll have to book the motor. I'd better go, or Papa will be most displeased at my claiming the telephone."
"Well, good-bye, Mary."
"Good-bye, Lavinia" I had that feeling she was smiling again, and there was a click, and she was gone.
I placed the phone back in its place and stood there a moment.
What was I going to wear?
Hidden-Forbidden-Passion
The butler opened the door to me, "Good evening, Miss Swire..." my smile faded as I saw he looked slightly confused, like he didn't know why I was here. Hadn't he been expecting me?
"Oh, Mary invited me." I said, guessing she must have forgotten to inform him.
The butler's eyebrows drew together disapprovingly, and I realised my mistake.
"I- I mean, Lady Mary." I felt so stupid, letting myself become too familiar. Even if she had asked me to call her Mary, I should not have said it in front of a servant…
He nodded, opened the door wider and let me in. Once I stepped into the front hall, I slid my coat off and the butler took it, remarking, "Lady Mary is in the library, Miss Swire, along with her family, the soldiers and the staff. The concert has already begun." There was a frown at the end of that sentence.
"Thank you."
He led me there, and opened the door, a few heads turned and I smiled nervously, embarrassed at having interrupted. There was a magic show being performed by one of the soldiers and as I walked up the carpet to find a seat, I spotted Mary, watching the tricks being performed. No, actually, she wasn't really watching, her head was turned further to the right, she was deep in thought.
I walked quickly up to her, trying not to get in the way of anyone's line of sight.
"May I sit here?" I asked her, there was an empty chair next to the armchair she sat on.
Mary's head turned towards me and she blinked in surprise, "Oh, hello!" she whispered, and she beamed delightedly, as if I was her favourite person in the world, "Yes, please, sit."
I took the chair, arranging my dress so I was comfortable, and as I turned to her, Mary leant in, giving me a kiss on the cheek in greeting, and I felt my face heat up as I blushed, particularly on the spot her lips had touched.
"I'm so glad you came." she whispered, "You look lovely."
"Oh," I whispered, looking down at the flowered pink dress I wore, "Thank you." I hadn't known what to wear, and I didn't want to show up over-dressed, so I picked something as simple and pretty as I could, "You look beautiful." I added, not meaning to. Of course I meant it, she did look beautiful, but had that been too much?
But Mary only smiled warmly and kissed my cheek again, "You're a darling."
As she sat back, her perfume swirled around me, faint and lovely. It was floral, I thought, but with something that smelt like spice…
Mary suddenly straightened in her seat, "Oh, god," she sighed.
I looked to the front of the room where Lady Edith sat at the piano, looking pointedly at Mary, obviously waiting for her. It was time for Mary to sing.
Mary stood and slipped past me, her leg brushing mine.
"Good luck." I whispered. Mary turned round, glanced at me and rolled her eyes, smiling.
She announced herself as she strode up to the piano, "Most of you won't know how rare it is to see my sister, Edith and I, pulling together in a double act."
"A unicorn, if ever there was one." Lady Grantham commented to Lord Grantham and The Dowager Countess.
"But in wartime, we, like all of you, have more important things to worry about. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… the Crawley sisters."
Lady Edith began playing the piano and Mary straightened up, and smiled.
She began to sing and I couldn't take my eyes off her. Her voice was even lovelier when she sang than when she spoke, which until now, I wouldn't have thought possible. All thought went out of my mind as she sang, and it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever heard.
"Sometimes when I feel bad, and things look blue
I wish a pal I had, say one like you."
Her eyes met mine and my heart nearly stopped, and she smiled, continuing with the song, though she did not look away, and I could not.
"Someone within my heart, to build a throne
Someone who'd never part, to call my own…"
All I could see was her, Mary, and I could hear nothing but her sweet voice. An ache pained my heart while I wished she were thinking of me… I didn't have the chance to bury that thought before she sang again, still gazing at me, her voice a siren's song, pulling me in by my heart…
"If you were the only girl in the world, and I were the only-"
There was a click and the sound of a door being opened, then a sudden silence as Mary stopped singing, her eyes flashed away from mine and she looked to the back of the library. I turned in my seat to see Matthew walk into the room with a man that must have been the second footman from that dinner for the General weeks ago… but he was in a regimental uniform.
"Sorry, don't stop for me." Matthew said, and I looked back to Mary, who pressed her lips together in a smile, but did not continue. Lord Grantham stood and spoke to Matthew, shaking his hand, and the soldiers began conversing amongst themselves, Mary's song forgotten, and I felt a twinge of annoyance at this. Mary made her way back to her seat next to me, and as she sat, she remarked, "Well! At least I didn't have to finish it!"
She didn't seem to mind, so I let it alone. Matthew was back, although he hadn't written to tell me he was coming.
I'd say everything was fine, but I felt like I had been in a dream, all the times I spent with Mary, but that dream had been interrupted, and I had woken up. Dreams couldn't last and it seemed I would have to learn that.
Hidden-Forbidden-Passion
I stood with Matthew, Mary and Lord Grantham in the main hall as Matthew recounted how he went missing, though I had had no idea he was, it had come as quite a surprise and a shock, though Mary had reassured me he was fine now, Matthew was fine and safe. Strangely enough, she didn't quite meet my eyes when she told me, and quickly looked away when I tried to meet hers.
"Somehow… we got lost, and then we were trapped behind some Germans for three days.When we got out of that, we stumbled into a field dressing station, where we were immediately admitted… But we weren't in any danger, so they didn't inform our unit." Matthew said.
The Earl scoffed, and half-grumbled, "Well! They should have jolly well told us when you got back to base."
Mary smiled at her father's irritation, and I couldn't help my smile created by hers, the soft upturn of her lips…
"I hope you weren't really worried." Matthew asked.
Lord Grantham smiled, "Oh, you know us. We like to be assured of our hero at the front. I think Cora wanted to see you, and Mother too, although she'd never say so." The Earl grinned and showed Matthew to where Lady Grantham and the Dowager Countess were, and Mary and I were left standing there.
"See? What did I tell you? He'll be fine." Mary assured me.
There was that empty smile again, from the night I had first met her, the eyes with no laughter in them. I didn't like this, I hadn't seen her act this way at all, but it unnerved and upset me. I didn't like it.
"Yes, of course he will, just like you said." I agreed, and I tried to catch her eye but she was gazing round at all the company in the room, her hands clasped tightly together.
I touched her arm, "Mary."
She looked round, smiling so sweetly, yet so falsely, "Yes? What is it?"
"What's wrong?" I couldn't pretend to be all right, not when she wasn't, and I couldn't sleep tonight without knowing what was bothering her.
"Oh, just a full day. I've been practicing all afternoon with Edith, and I suppose I'm just tired…" Mary smiled at me, though she did look tired, I didn't know what else, I still felt strange.
"Are you sure?" I felt her arm still warm under my hand still and I stepped back, taking my hand away, but I still needed to know, "Truly?"
"Truly, Lavinia. I'm fine." Mary seemed deep in thought, though her forehead usually scrunched up, as did her eyebrows when she was thinking, and now her face was smooth and inexpressive.
"Truly." she said, looking at me, though her dark eyes were lying.
"All right…" There was nothing else I could say; I'd sound nosy and rude, and I could feel the hurt welling up in me at her refusal to talk to me. So I stepped away from her, going to get my coat and leave. Maybe everything would look better in the morning, "Good night, Mary."
And then, for a moment, she was my- she was Mary again, smiling sadly as I left, "Good night… Lavinia."
Hidden-Forbidden-Passion
So, did you like? :D
Reviews, as always, are lovely, and if you don't have a Fanfiction account, you can leave an anonymous ask on my blog (or signed if you have tumblr, it's free, (the link is on my profile). Is it really too much to ask for at least a 10-word response?
Love you guys, I shall start on Chapter 5 soon.
x kissthespider26
The poetry was an excerpt from John Donne's 'The Relic'.