So now onto Chapter 5. As you all know, many things change in this episode, and now even more will alter Mary and Lavinia's lives.
I'm sorry for the late update, I have been busy, surprisingly, and I will try to get more chapters to you quicker.
I have changed the dialogue in the last scene and, of course, the outcome. Just so no one gets the wrong end of the stick… Matthew's stick. :D
x
Episode 5- 1918
Chapter 5
Dear Lavinia,
I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, especially in writing that Matthew has been seriously wounded, and is on his way to the hospital in the village of Downton.
We do not know very much, but we felt you must be informed so you can come to Downton to stay, for as long as you like, as Mrs Crawley is currently out of the country, in France, working for The Red Cross.
I'm very sorry for this distressing letter, and we all hope you'll come to Downton soon.
Sincerely,
Lady Grantham
I couldn't breathe. The full weight of the news hit me, crushed me, and if I hadn't been sitting at the breakfast table I think I'd have fallen to the floor. There was no one there to comfort me, no one for me to talk to, Papa had left early for work, and there was no one else here but the servants, luckily none of them were in the room to see my shock…
I'd have to pack today, and be there as soon as I could. Matthew would be brought to the hospital before I could arrive, so I would arrive at Downton as soon as I could. Though I had no idea what to do or what to say, I had to be there, and he needed me. Though I found myself needing something else… someone else.
Hidden-Forbidden-Passion
"Lavinia." Lard Grantham shook my hand, he did not smile, he tried to, but he looked as if he would cry if he did, "I'm so sorry, he's- he's woken a few times, but he won't talk, he-" The Earl turned and walked away, he did not mean to be rude, he was just stricken and shocked, much like me.
I stood at the doorway to the ward, clutching my purse, feeling strangely numb… I had arrived at Downton a half hour ago, Mary hadn't been there, and I was told Matthew was indeed at the hospital, he had been since yesterday.
The car had only just brought me to the hospital and I stood, staring at the screen that hid Matthew from view. Lord Grantham had looked through the gap in the screens for a moment and looked completely lost, lost for words, and he moved the screen aside.
Mary stood there, dressed in a white blouse and an apron over her skirt, like a uniform… watching. It was almost piercing, the feeling that shocked my heart when I saw her. Was I jealous? Upset? It didn't feel like it. Something far more, and far more unfamiliar…
She turned to see her father and caught sight of me, and smiled softly, then, as if she caught herself, she looked down, looked away for a moment. Lord Grantham walked over to me, as did Mary, a sad smile on her lips. Tears welled in my eyes as she took my hands and leaned in, pressing her lips to my cheek. My lips brushed her cheek, just an instant of her skin, soft and warm, just a second of breathing in her perfume, that kiss to her face…
I pulled back, and Mary dropped her hands from mine, and stepped back… too far back…
"Do they know any more yet?" I asked her, my voice shook with the emotion I couldn't identify, and I felt almost sick with worry about Matthew… My entire world was falling apart, there was nothing I could do to stop it, or even understand why.
"They're examining him now." Mary nodded, and I only wanted to be close to her again, she was the only one I knew who… who cared, she was the one who comforted me, and I must have been imagining it… it seemed Mary wanted our embrace just as much as I… but I mustn't, mustn't think of that, mustn't let that thought linger…
I forced my mind back to the situation at hand, back to Matthew, "So he's conscious?"
"Just about." Mary breathed, tears shining in her eyes.
"Have they found out what happened?" Lord Grantham asked Mary, frowning concernedly.
"A shell landed near them," she told him, "The explosion threw Matthew against something."
I couldn't help the expression of horror on my face as Lord Grantham told her to go on.
"Doctor Clarkson thinks… there may be trouble with his legs." Mary didn't seem to have finished speaking, but she looked down and stepped away as Doctor Clarkson came over.
"Not good news, I'm afraid," he said, "I'd say the spinal cord has been transsected. That it is permanently damaged."
"You mean he won't walk again?" Lord Grantham asked, dreading the answer as much as I.
"If I'm right, then no, he won't." Doctor Clarkson's answer was blunt.
I nearly gasped, Matthew wouldn't walk… I didn't think he'd ever get over that, he was so full of life I didn't think he could ever be trapped by something like this…
I pressed my hand to my mouth, hoping I wouldn't cry or… Lord Grantham put his arm around me, trying his best to be supportive, but I wanted to pull away. I wanted to be held by Mary,I wanted her arms around me…
"It's a shock, of course, and you must be allowed to grieve, but I must say that he will, in all likelihood regain his health."
Doctor Clarkson rambled on and I wanted to tell him to be quiet. Matthew would never walk again, there was no use pretending otherwise. He would be able to speak and move, but he would never walk beside me, beside anyone. Doctor Clarkson didn't seem as concerned as I thought he would, this was tearing the Grantham family apart, and tearing me apart. I didn't know what I was to do…
"This is not the end of his life…" he said, and Mary nodded, tears still in her eyes.
"Just the start of a different life." Mary's tone sounded ironic, as if what the doctor said was almost ridiculous, and I thought it certainly was. The man was acting as if a life-changing injury would be easy to get used to and easy to live with…
"Exactly." Doctor Clarkson agreed with Mary, and then asked for a word in private with Lord Grantham.
They left the room, and I sniffed hopelessly, wanting to reach for Mary, but she stepped forward and reached for me first, touching my arm.
"Have you got a handkerchief? I never seem to have one in moments of crisis." I asked her, and she reached into her pocket and gave me hers.
"Thank you." I whispered and as I pressed it to my lips, the scent of Mary came from the fabric, and I closed my eyes, the faint, sweet perfume making me want to cry.
It all seemed even more hopeless, even as Mary rubbed my back softly, her other hand on my arm.
"Do you want to go and see him now?" Mary said quietly, "He'll want to see you." her voice, like mine, was half choked by tears.
I felt guilty as I realised I didn't want to take a step further, but I sniffed one last time, tightening my grip on her handkerchief, "Right."
I walked over to Matthew's bed and stepped through the open screen. I inhaled sharply when I saw him, lying in the bed, pale and broken. There were cuts and bruises marking his face, and a number seemed to have been carved into the flesh of his cheek. There were dark bruises around his eyes and he murmured as he saw me.
"My darling…" he smiled. I tried my best to smile back, but Matthew's condition frightened me… I walked over and sat by his side, and took his hand. I may be unhappy and no longer want our engagement, but I still cared about him and was frightfully worried about him and his accident… but I wanted to cry and cry for all the horrible things that had happened…
But despite the tragedy, there were things I was be grateful for… I could name a few, well… I could name one.
Hidden-Forbidden-Passion
I'd come back to the hospital the next day, I'd gone back to Downton to unpack and settle into my room. Mary had apologised for not being able to help, but she said she had to go to London to 'sort some things out'. I had unpacked, but I was so tired, exhausted from that day's events, the car ride, the news. I had cried so much the night before, and felt so utterly drained that I fell into bed and slept until the early morning.
I had come to the hospital and took the seat next to Matthew's bed. I'd squeezed his hand as gently as I could in greeting, making sure I didn't touch his skinned and bruised knuckles, but he had pulled away from me. I'd have kissed his cheek, but apart from the scratches and bruises, I didn't want to. It wasn't that I was disgusted or frightened; it just didn't seem… it didn't feel right.
As soon as I'd sat near him, he had asked if I knew about his condition.
"Yes, Mary told me." I admitted, feeling terrible that he hadn't known first…
"I'm sorry to burden you with my disability. I won't blame you for hating me for it." Matthew said, though it seemed he was half speaking to himself, hating himself.
"I don't care if you can't walk," I told him, and it was true, I didn't, "You must think me very feeble if you believe that would make a difference."
"I know it wouldn't…" Matthew whispered, staring up at the ceiling, then he glanced over to me, "and I love you so much for saying it. But there's something else…" Matthew swallowed hard, blinking away moisture in his eyes, "Which may not have occurred to you…" He shut his eyes, shaking his head slightly, "This is very difficult…" Matthew looked at me, "We can never be properly married."
"What? Of course we can be married." He couldn't walk,but he could use a wheelchair, that wouldn't stop him-
"Not properly." he insisted, nearly crying.
For a moment, I sat there, not understanding. Then it struck me, and I nearly flinched at the actual prospect, "Oh. I see."
"That's why… I have to let you go." Matthew said, not at all firmly, but he'd made up his mind, I could see the decision in his eyes.
"But… that side of things, it's not important to me, I promise…" I reached for him, trying to understand, why was he doing this?
"My darling, it's not important now… but it will be. I think it should be."
I couldn't say anything. I was being cast aside, dismissed. He didn't want me and I was to give up and leave. Leave him, leave Downton leave Ma-
"And I couldn't possibly be responsible… for stealing away the life you ought to have."
I didn't know what I was doing, what I was saying, but if he left me I would have nothing. Nowhere else, nothing else, no one else…
"I won't leave you," I placed my hand on his arm and he pulled away slightly, "I know you think I'm meek, and that I don't know what I'm taking on-"
"Oh, how could you, for god's sake-" Matthew hissed.
"I'm not saying it'll be easy, for either of us, but just because a life isn't easy doesn't mean it isn't right!" I protested, my hand still on his arm, but Matthew closed his eyes, clenching his jaw and speaking though gritted teeth.
"I won't fight with you." he said, "But I won't steal away your life…"
He spoke the words far easier than I thought he would, "Go home. Think of me as dead. Remember me as I was." Matthew then glared up at the ceiling fiercely, and did not look at me again.
I had nothing else to say to him, he wouldn't listen and I wouldn't beg for a marriage I didn't want. But as I stood and walked away, I took Mary's handkerchief out of my pocket and pressed it to my lips. I had stepped outside the hospital, and now fell back against the wall, crying into my hands, the soft fabric of the handkerchief stifling the sound. I didn't know what I would do, how I would tell the Crawleys, and Mary.
I didn't know anything of what would happen, and couldn't even dare to think of the outcome…
Hidden-Forbidden-Passion
"Lavinia?" Mary's voice came from the open door, and I gasped when I saw her, stepping around the door, hesitance in her every move, in her face.
"You're back," I sniffed, pulling my wrap around me, hardly daring to glance at her, "How did you get on?"
"All right, I think," she sighed, and watched me for a moment, unsure of herself, it seemed, "How about you?"
How could I tell her what had happened? That I had been cast aside, for nothing, for no one? Just some judgement I did not understand, and I supposedly mean nothing now in the scheme of things. I had been written out, pushed away.
And I couldn't tell if I felt more upset or relieved.
"Matthew's told me to go home. He says he won't see me again."
Mary stared at me, speechless.
"He feels he has to 'set me free', as he put it," I suddenly wanted to bury my face in the blanket and cry, cry until my life dwindled away, "I've tried to tell him I don't care, but he won't listen."
He wouldn't listen, and he never had. So maybe it was better I would be set free… Though free to do what? Be myself? I didn't know who that was.
I didn't know what I wanted, who I wanted, I didn't know anything. Maybe that's why he left me. Because I was too much like a silly, naïve little girl…
"Then you must keep telling him…" Mary walked towards me from where she stood by the door, those few steps forward that brought her closer to me… I couldn't keep quiet any longer; I had to say it. These months of silence were like years; even hours seemed like decades when you withheld such a secret inside you.
Even if you didn't know what that secret was.
"I don't want to tell him," I whispered.
I said it, was saying it, but it was so difficult I could barely speak the words, I didn't even know what they were.
I took a deep breath, "He must have never really wanted me, how else could he have…"
Mary sat on the bed next to me, "Lavinia…" she placed her hand on the blanket next to mine.
Was she trying to comfort me, console me?
"I never really loved him."
I had said it before I knew I had thought it. Mary said nothing, her chest rising and falling silently.
"I- I'm sorry if I've shocked you, but-"
"I'm not shocked," Mary took my hand, "I'm just stunned… and desperately sad."
"Sad for me?" I couldn't believe her words, nor mine.
She nodded wordlessly, tears in her eyes, as upset as she had said.
"Why should you be?" I couldn't imagine why. We were friends, though how close, I didn't know, and I wanted so badly to know why she cared…
"Because I feel your pain as if it were my own," Mary said, and a tear spilled from her eye, "And the thought of you leaving Downton is tearing me apart at this very moment."
I couldn't look away from her, couldn't answer anyway other than what I felt, "It'd taste a lie for me to say anything but the same."
Mary reached for my face, and stroked her hand across my cheek, and I smiled, a sigh building in me at her touch. Then her hand slid across my cheek… into my hair, and my eyes closed at the intimacy of the motion, Mary's fingers buried into the curls of my hair… and she sighed. I glanced up at her face and her expression was heartbreaking, or it would be if my heart hadn't already broken for her… she leaned closer and my eyes fluttered shut once more.
Mary's breath whispered across my lips for a moment, and her cheek brushed against mine, her other hand against my neck, gently… so softly. Just Mary in my arms, felt like there was no world but this, as if everything was nothing and she was everything. She drew back to look at me, yet she was still so close, the tip of her nose brushing mine. Her eyes closed, mine shut, and her lips, so close to my own…
It would have tasted a lie to say leaving Downton wouldn't tear me apart, but that lie would never come from me, I'd never taste that lie. All I wanted was to taste the truth from Mary's mouth, the truth of what I felt…
Her lips…
"Mary…" I had gasped her name before I knew it, and she froze. Mary's eyes opened, her fingers still in my hair, and she gazed at me a moment, as if she didn't know what she had done or what she'd do next.
Her hands slid away from me, slowly, regretfully, and Mary stood, what was almost fear shone in her eyes, not moving, not speaking, not breathing.
"I'm- I'm sorry…" she breathed, and pressed her fingers softly to her lips.
I didn't know how I could tell her I wasn't sorry. I wanted what had almost been without knowing what that was… I wanted that unknown, sweet embrace like I wanted water, without it I'd die. Without her, I'd die.
"I'm sorry." Mary's apology, her needless apology was now a gasp and, turning her back, she swept out of my room, before I'd even thought she would leave.
Leave me.
I sat there, stunned. I felt like I had lost my lungs… and my heart was working for them, pumping nothing through my veins. Nothing but air, nothing but nothing. What had I promised myself? That I would die without her? Perhaps not, but it certainly felt like it.
A breathless, empty sob escaped me as I sat there… and I had no idea why.
TBC
This isn't the end.
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Somehow, I think you will. *evil grin*
x kissthespider26