WHAT THE EFF IS UP READERS?
Two months later... Gah. I'm sorry. School is eating me alive. I'm also sorry this chapter isn't longer. I really, really want to finish this story, and there is so much left. Dx Please bear with me. You have been fabulous thus far. Perhaps the season 3 premiere will help the process along. (ONE WEEK! :D) Anyways, here is the rest of this chapter, effing finally. Dr. Craig is still a total BAMF, and I sort of want him as my therapist. I think whenever I'm feeling depressed I'll just talk to him in my head. Is that normal? No? Oh well. IDGAF. Here, stop listening to me talk, go read. And remember that when you give me reviews... ah fuck, I haven't updated in two months. I don't deserve to grovel for love and affection. So if you give me love and affection, I'll know I am simply spoiled because you guys are totally awesome, and no I'm not sucking up at all what are you talking about, okay I'm shutting up now, here:
Chapter 10 Pt. 2:
Wasn't therapy supposed to help problems? Wasn't it supposed to calm you down and give you ways to cope? Kurt wondered this as his heart thumped wildly in his chest. He hated the way the doctor was regarding him. It wasn't patronizing or pitying – it was just a look of curiosity. This pissed Kurt off like no other, and he wasn't even sure as to why. Maybe because he felt as though a therapist should be beside themselves with sympathy and words of encouragement, and that a look of curiosity was a sign of only mild interest, but really? What really bothered Kurt was that he had just given away his biggest secret – his biggest shame – on purpose this time, and the world was still functioning normally. Self-centered as it might have been, he couldn't help but to think to himself, "Is this all there is?"
"Why?" The question hit Kurt's ear like a bullet, and he jumped in surprise, snapping out of his own thoughts.
"Why?" he repeated dumbly, not processing.
"Yeah. Why? I mean, you gotta have a reason, don't you? Unless you just woke up one day and thought to yourself, 'you know what would be a good idea…', in which case, I think we have a completely different problem on our hands."
"I can't tell you why," Kurt said ashamedly, knowing that that answer was definitely not gonna fly with the doctor.
"How come?" was of course the next question. "You know everything you say in here is totally confidential, right?"
Kurt thought about the pile of hate mail in his bedside drawer, stalked up neatly next to his razors. He thought about the unheard voice messages he had yet to delete off his phone from the handful of not-so-anonymous numbers. He thought of broken windows and bathroom confrontations. Was it enough to be considered crime? Harassment surely, but even more than that? And if it was, would the doctor be forced to tell authorities? Kurt couldn't ask Dr. Craig without warranting suspicion, and he couldn't take the risk, because even thought it would give him immeasurable amounts of relief to see his bullies formally punished for everything they had done, and were still doing, to him – every anxious, irrational bone in his body was telling him that his father could not know about this, and if this situation ever became officially criminal, there would be no way to hide it anymore.
"I just can't." It was a flat, monotonous statement, but Dr. Craig could tell in was immovable. He sighed a long, exasperated sigh, and leaned back in his chair, scratching at his chin in an almost comically stereotypical way.
"What do you want from me here, Kent?" the doctor asked.
"Methods," Kurt said, speaking up louder because it was finally a question he could answer properly. "Techniques to help control my anxiety. Everything and anything to keep the razor off my skin, and my boyfriend off my back."
"You know Blaine isn't doing this to annoy you, right Kent? I mean, I don't think I would have even agreed to see you – you have to admit this is a little out of the ordinary – if Blaine hadn't been so insistent. He's worried about you, and honestly, from what I'm seeing? I think maybe he has legitimate reason to be."
Kurt was taken aback by the abrupt shift of "fun-guy" to "therapist". Still, he managed to say, "Dr. Craig, I love Blaine more than anything, but this is my problem to deal with – my problem to deal with on my own."
"And if the roles were reversed?"
"…They aren't."
"Look, Kent, I know this sort of thing is hard – addictive even – and if you need techniques on how to calm yourself down, I can't, in good conscience, deny you them. But I want you to think about what you're doing. I mean, really think about it. Clearly, you're hurting Blaine, and by your insistence to keep this thing a secret, I can bet you know this would hurt a lot of other people in your life that love you, if they knew the truth. But most importantly, I want you to think about you. I want you to realize that those cuts? They are only a temporary fix to a bigger problem, and they always – always – do more harm than good. And I don't just mean physically, because I can assume that you've got scars up the wahzoo to prove that point. No, I mean mentally – emotionally. Cutting is just a symptom, Kent, and I can tell you how to mask it, like you would with aspirin for a headache. But if you were suffering from chronic migraines, would you just keep taking Excedrin, or would you go to your doctor to figure out what was causing them? Aspirin can only work for so long, and the same is true about the methods you're asking me for. To really get better, Kent, to really stop, you have to go for the cause, not just what the cause makes you do or feel."
There was a heavy silence. Kurt swallowed noisily and muttered, "I'll keep that in mind."
"I hope you do," Dr. Craig said sincerely. Then, just as suddenly as he had been thrust into "therapist" mode, with the excited clap of his hands and a goofy grin, he was mister fun-guy again, as he began to rifle through his desk drawers.
"Aha!" he exclaimed, pulling out a few stacks of paper clipped pamphlets. He took out a few and handed them to Kurt, who looked them over.
"SEVEN BREATHING TECHNIQUES FOR BETTER LIVING"
"HOW TO STOP STRESSING"
and,
"1,2,3: STOP AND THINK"
- were what the covers of them said, printed boldly in flashy colors.
"Thank you," Kurt said, furrowing his brow, wondering about the actual helpfulness the pamphlets could have in his life.
"Don't mention it," Dr. Craig said as he scribbled something down on a piece of scrap paper. He finished and held it also out to Kurt.
"What's this?" he asked, taking the paper.
"My cell phone number. Listen, I know you don't want to talk about whatever is causing this, but I can't help but mention that anxiety is often associated with depression. School is starting for you soon, yes/" Kurt nodded his head while groaning internally. "The added stress of school work on top of what's already eatin' you has the potential to get really ugly. I've seen both panic-anxiety and depression spiral right of control without so much as a warning, Kent. I want you to call me if you even think you might be thinking about something you might regret. Anytime you need me – my phone is always on. Just don't tell the other patients. It's not that I'm super opposed to giving it to them, it's just… well, normally the only crazy people I give my number to are my family members, and trust me – they call me quite enough."
Kurt eyed the scrawled out numbers and finally felt the tiniest bit of relief. Maybe therapy had potential after all. Maybe.
"Thank you."
"No problem. Now skedaddle. My intuition is telling me that there is a very ancy boy waiting for you out in the lobby, and you probably shouldn't keep him waiting too long – he might let his heart beat right out of his chest… In fact, maybe both of you can look over those pamphlets together."
Kurt gave a small smile and got up to leave.
"See you 'round, Kent."
"Dr. Craig," Kurt said, his hand on the doorknob. "My name's not Kent. It's Kurt."
"Really? Huh. I guess I sorta figured that was some sort of cover. Real people aren't named Kent."
"Real people normally aren't named Kurt, either, Dr. Craig."
"An excellent point, Kurt. A very excellent point indeed."