Chapter 2

"The patient is exhibiting signs of an autoimmune disorder affecting her digestive tract" Chase told House as he walked into his office and began dumping his stuff.

"I wasn't aware we had a patient," House replied.

"We do. She's sick."

"Oh, she's sick!" House cried. "Bummer! I always like those patients who are so nice and healthy."

Chase ignored him. "I mean she's really sick," he continued. "Her mother is near hysteria. She's passed at least a kidney stone per day for the last ten days…

"Plus she has horrible stomach pain" chimed in Taub, entering the office.

"Of course she has horrible stomach pain," House chided. "On account of the stones."

"I mean outside of that," Taub defended. "It hurts when she eats."

"Of course it hurts when she eats," House chided again. "On account of the ulcers." He took a file folder out of his backpack, then threw the bag under his desk. They looked at him. "She's hypercalcaemic,, morons… Why do I even pay you guys?"

There was a beat of silence while that proclamation sunk in.

"So now we need to know why she's hypercalcaemic," Chase said.

"Oh yeah…That's why I pay you guys," House said, as he walked right back out the door, the file folder under his arm.

[H] [H] [H]

House walked into Cuddy's office and flopped onto her couch. She barely looked up. "Sorry, I don't have time for your psychoanalysis today," she said, shuffling papers.

He started dropping sheaves of paper onto the floor. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. They landed in a fan.

"Eleven," he proclaimed, staring at her.

Cuddy licked her lips. "Your counting skills have dramatically improved, House, but the fanfare's a bit much, don't you think?"

"Those studies all conclude that children who witness affectionate acts between their parents are more secure, happy, and have better relationships with each parent," House stated triumphantly. "Now I know I'm not exactly a parent in our little scenario –"

"Nor does grinding up against my ass constitute an affectionate act!" Cuddy pointed out.

House paused, then sat up. "It doesn't?" Cuddy gave him her Come on! look. "How is it categorized, if not as affection?" he challenged.

"Dammit, House! As usual you're totally missing the big point because of your ridiculous obsession with some minute detail."

"Not true. I know that your big point is not scandalizing Rachel, so I am showing you that a little 'patty cake' doesn't scandalize her."

Cuddy stared at him.

"'Patty cake?'" She was agog.

"'Rub a dub dub?' I'm trying to use child-friendly terms here, Cuddy."

"House, the kitchen molestation is just one part of it. There are a lot of ways that I feel like my relationship with you has taken away from my relationship with Rachel," she explained.

"Don't put it that way, Cuddy. Nothing about us is taking away from Rachel. It's just taking away from your bizarre perfectionistic image of what a mother needs to be. Your standards are too high."

"Oh, so I should embrace your standards? Children should be 'fed, not dead, and in bed?'" House smirked in spite of himself... He was so damn funny sometimes. Cuddy noted it. "Excuse me if I strive for something higher," she said haughtily.

"Look, you're allowed to want to be the best mother, just like you've always wanted to be the best everything. I just don't see how our relationship factors into this."

"I can't be the best everything, House," Cuddy admitted. "I can't stay up half the night 'rub-a-dub-dub-ing' you and be alert and present for her the next day, during the little time we have. I can't cater to your every whim about how to spend our time and still be sure she is getting the activities and attention she needs. I can't wait up for you, run out to meet you, sleep at your place, and in general allow you to be my daily compass." Cuddy realized she was unloading months of worry and conflicted feelings all at once.

She continued. "I revolve things around you in our relationship because, well, that's our relationship. At work, I structure things just so to keep you happy and to get what I want. And when we started out, you were in an incredibly vulnerable place, so I felt the need to treat you carefully. But now, House…" She tried to gather her thoughts. "It's like you said last night – you had to choose. I already chose you over being the best hospital administrator years ago. And I chose Rachel over being the best administrator. Well, I love you, but I'm sorry to say that when it comes to choosing Rachel or you, I choose Rachel." She looked right in his eyes, but couldn't read him. "And I will always choose Rachel."

House blinked. Cuddy blinked right back.

Suddenly Chase and Taub entered. "Patient's in a coma. But some tests came back. It's ATL," Chase informed him. "She needs a bone marrow transplant."

House continued staring at Cuddy. "Time for Mommy to do what mommies do," he replied, more to her than to them. He stood and walked out.