After the Fight Chapter 4, a hunger games fanfic

Hey!
Here's Chapter 4 for you all... enjoy! It's a little longer! Thanks for all your comments - you guys are the best!

Disclaimer: Katniss & Co. belong fully to Suzanne Collins! So thank her for these lovely characters, this is just my interpretation between what happened after the war and the end of Mockingjay. I also realize I am not as talented as Mrs. Collins so don't fret - I know already. Enjoy!

Chapter 4

"Dr. Aurelius?" I ask when he calls later that day.

"Yes, Katniss?" He asks. I hear the surprise in his voice, normally it's him that starts the conversations. This is a definite first. I take a deep breath and start, it's too late to back down now.

"I want to make a scrapbook of sorts. I want to put every single person that I can remember who was lost in the war and commit their memory to paper," I say. For a moment there's silence.

"Dr. Aurelius?" I ask. What they couldn't trust me with a pen and paper?

"Yes, I'm sorry, Katniss. I think that's a wonderful idea. What will you require?" He asks. I hear relief in his voice - shock was what had made him pause.

"Well... a bound book with blank pages would do nicely. I want it to be simple but..." my voice trailed off as I tried to find the right words to describe it. I gave up and just replied with, "They deserve that." We both knew they deserved so much more, but at this point this is as good as I could do. "I also need a variety of writing utensils. Possibly a few sets of colored pencils, paints, or watercolors? Brushes and loose paper?" I suggest. That last part I barely get out, but I do.

"Katniss?" I hear the warning in his voice.

"Yes?" I ask, steeling myself. I knew what was coming.

"Please don't take offense, but I know you can't draw a straight line for all it's worth. There's only one person who those art supplies can be for and you and I both know this is not going to work," he reprimands.

"I know, it's fast. But well... he let me hug him," I whisper quietly.

"He what?" Dr. Aurelius asks in shock.

"I know, I know. It was dangerous and stupid but I -" I've been so lonely, was what I was going to say, but I couldn't admit that; not even to Dr. Aurelius. "I was just caught up in the moment." I say. That was, after all true as well.

"Well, that definitely is an improvement." He replied slowly. "Have you spoke with him much after that?" He asks me.

"No, not really. I've been trying to steer clear of him since... that happened." I say softly.

"See? I still think this isn't a good idea. You haven't been having daily conversation and interaction with him. You know how delicate his situation is right now." Dr. Aurelius pleads.

"I called my mother." I say trying to throw him off track. It works.

"You did? That's wonderful, Katniss!" He says enthusiastically - probably so happy to get away from the topic that troubled him beforehand. Too bad I'm stubborn and will keep going for it.

"Yeah, but about Peeta, he's not going to get better unless he has his memories, the true ones. I think this will help him trigger more of his memories as well as help him rebuild his relationship with the others." And with me. I didn't add it but I was thinking it. I tried to sound persuasive. I guess it worked because Dr. Aurelius relented with a sigh.

"Okay, Katniss. It's up to you. But I don't want you to be doing anything risky like you did before." He cautions.

"Yeah, sure." I mumble.

"Oh, and Katniss?"

"Hm?" I reply.

"Don't be too disappointed if he says, 'no'." I hung up the phone before I could do something stupid, like throwing it against the wall.

*ooOoo*

Peeta's POV (A/N: Let's experiment here, shall we?)

I'm running as fast as I can. There's a stitch in my side but I can't stop. I can't let them get to her. I hear her screams ringing in my ears echoing off the trees. I have only one thought. Keep her safe. I'm panting and sweat is dripping down my face. Glancing down I notice a wickedly sharp knife clenched in my right hand. Good, I might stand a chance. But I know that's not the case. It never is in situations like these.

The thought pushes me harder and I find I'm not running as fast as I possibly can - no, not when it comes to her. I catapult through the trees and into the clearing just in time to see the flash of silver glinting wickedly in the sunlight. It lands with thud at my feet. Everything suddenly looks as shiny as the knife blade. I look up to see her, Katniss, shining and smirking at me. I realize it then. It's a trick, she was never in trouble, she was never in any danger, as a matter of fact it's me that has the arrow pointed at my rising and falling chest. The dried leaves I had been running on are suddenly snakes twisting around my legs, pulling me to my knees. My feeble attempts to pull them off me are pitiful. Trying to regain my breath, I stare up at her. Shock, anger, and then pain. Endless hurt and pain course through me as I realize her betrayal. She must see how much this is hurting me, how this hurts more than a thousand arrows can, a thousand snake bites, but there is no mercy in her gaze. I close my eyes as she pulls back the bow. It's no use to run now, even if I could, she never misses her mark. I hear the whoosh of air as the arrow slices through the air and buries its shaft into my chest.

I wake up with start, paralyzed before reality sets in. I sit up and bury my heads in my hands trying to get a grip on my mind. Rocking back and forth I replay the nightmare in my head. I remember the running, the screaming and then her betrayal. Katniss. I grit my teeth and try to push the memory of the nightmare from my head. It's moments like these when the unwelcome suggestions start coming. Poisoning her bread? Stabbing her in her sleep? Strangling her while she waters the rose bushes? NO! I grit my teeth banishing them from my mind. This is when I'm most dangerous. When I am unpredictable and uncontrollable. It was taking all my will power to convince myself that I shouldn't harm her, shouldn't go running for her house when I know it would be so easy - NO! I dig my nails into my palms. When I finally release my fists, there are eight deep, angry, red crescents branded into my palms.

Where did my memory go wrong? That's the first thing Dr. Arelius told me to ask myself when I was having my "attacks". I imagined him sitting there staring at me and asking the question.

I was running and... the clearing! I remember now. The knife. The knife was flashing in the sun. But then everything else started sparkling. The snakes, why were there snakes? There weren't any before the knife... were there? No, I remember Katniss's sparkling skin as if she were on fire. That's where it went haywire.

I take a deep breath as I start to calm myself. He would nod and move onto the second question, Are you in control?

Reply truthfully, I reprimand myself. No, I'm not, but it's getting better. He would nod again and finally would ask the third question:

What really happened? This third question is possibly the hardest of the three, though the first is difficult to answer as well.

I imagine him sitting there, patiently waiting for the answer that won't come. Once in a blue moon would I actually remember what really happened on my own. Normally he had to answer this one for me. Turning back to the task at hand I try to remember but draw a blank. It's funny, I don't remember the beginning of this memory either. I'm too confused to do anything but fall back on my pillows and fall back into a restless, dreamless, sleep.

*ooOoo*

Sunlight filters through my window when I open my eyes again. Shuddering at the nightmarish memory I had last night I go through my usual routine. The one Dr. Aurelius had established. I got out of bed and made it. Then showered and changed into a pair of clean clothes. After brushing my teeth, I headed downstairs to eat breakfast and start the bread for the day. Boating the kitchen table and my hands in fire I start kneading the dough I had made. A knock at the door pulls me out of my concentration. Who could it be? I wonder. I look at clock and see that it's 9:36 am. I walk to the door, trying to wipe the flour off my apron before touching the door handle. I open the door and freeze in shock. Standing on my doorstep is Katniss. She looks thinner than ever and there are dark circles under her eyes. Her look is wary and guarded.

"Hello, Peeta." She starts.

"Hello, Katniss." I say matching her serious, formal tone. Checking to make sure I'm in control of myself I remember my manners before I invite her inside. "Please come in."

"Thank you." She replies softly giving me a small smile when entering the door.

"How have you been I ask?" Hoping to practice small talk as we settle ourselves back in the kitchen.

"I'm surviving." I almost crack a smile at her words.

"That's good." I reply.

"So, you must be wondering why I'm here." Katniss starts after a few seconds of awkward silence.

"Umm... yes, I am." I admit. I'm curious but a little suspicious too. I'm still on alert after last night.

"Well, I have this project I want to start," Katniss begins. "I want to make a sort of scrapbook holding the memories of all the people who died during the war." She says letting out a breath. "I can do the writing but I feel it won't be complete without some sort of visuals of them to along with the words. That's where you would come in... So I guess I was wondering, if maybe you would want to help me?" Katniss asks tentatively.

"Oh." Is all I can think of in reply. This was surprising. I studied her face intently. The face I knew I used to trust but now haunted me.

"It's just that, I thought you may want to put the memories back and help me make a memory of them. Also, you know I can't draw and would need your help, desperately. I already spoke with Dr. Arelius and he agreed to send me materials for the scrapbook." Katniss hurried to explain.

"Yes, but what about the fact that... well, I'm still not... safe to be around." I say. Hidden beneath my words is the silent "and I still don't trust you".

"Well, we've done this before... with the book of plants and herbs. Remember when I was hurt and bedridden you came over and helped illustrate the plants? You said that, that was one of the only normal things we've done together." She says softly.

"Yes. I think I remember that, but I'm sorry, I want to help but just don't think I'm ready for this yet." I reply with a sigh. My thoughts are balled up in confused snarls and I can't think straight. My mind is remembering something else that happened when Katniss was hurt. It was a nice memory, I remember that, but can't quite grasp the entire memory.

"Dr. Arelius said you might say that. Okay, thanks anyway. If you change your mind - you know where to find me." Katniss says looking at the floor. I walk her to the door and we exchange goodbyes.

Walking back to the kitchen that memory is still nagging me. I can't remember it clearly, only the essence of what happened. I knew that it would bother me until I could remember this memory. Sighing I return to kneading the dough.

*ooOoo*

A rapidly growing red stain spreads from where the knife protrudes from her chest. No! I'm too late! Her lips form my name before she collapses, dead onto the leafed floor. I sink to my knees, all the fight drained out of me. A cannon sounds, ringing like a gunshot through my head. Katniss, Katniss, Katniss... She's gone, she's gone, she's gone. Is the only thought in my head, I'm numb, too overcome to do anything but stare. My life is over; if she dies, I die. I life my head to see her attacker. He smiles, enjoying my pain and saunters forward to kill me. Let him.

I wake up, drenched with sweat for the second night in a row. For some reason I know this is real. I've had this dream before, many times. There was nothing shiny about it. So this is what it felt like before. Before when I still loved her, before my memories were hijacked, before the war. Before, when this feeling, this immediate feeling of losing her, was the thing I feared the most. Was the thing that brought me the most pain. A flash of that pain shoots through my chest but flickers away just as quickly. I lay there gasping, hand over my heart, marveling at the reaction. No, I'm not supposed to feel like this. Feel these feelings for this girl who I barely know. Who I still don't trust. My mind shies away from the reaction but for some reason, I feel lighter than I have in months. Settling back down I stare into the dark ceiling.

Out of nowhere a word, one said in my own voice, appears in my head. Always. I close my eyes. Where did this come from? I see flashes of a bedroom and Katniss lying on a bed. She looked terrible, sick and exhausted. She's holding my hand, murmuring to me, "Stay with me." Always. Always. Always. Not knowing what to make of this I close my eyes until sleep overtakes me.

*ooOoo*

Katniss's POV

Well, I had half expected his answer to be 'no', but I still walked home tinged with disappointment. I knew it was a long-shot but I hoped it was a risk he would be willing to take. I guess I can admit to myself now that I am all alone and really hoped that by doing this project together, we could be friends again. But of course, silly me.

*ooOoo*

The next morning I awake to a knocking on my door. Vaguely shaking off the dream about a rat gnawing off my face, I quickly dress and go to the door. Before opening it I peer out of the peep hole to see who it is. You can never be too careful.

Surprise fills me as I see the familiar blond hair, stocky build and bright blue eyes standing at the doorstep. What does he want? I wonder.

"Hello." I say, opening the door. I can feel the confusion plastered on my face.

"Hey." He replies warily. He's standing so awkwardly.

"Ummm would you like to come in?" I ask. Gosh - it's like a repeat of yesterday, but worse.

"Yes, thank you." He says, wiping off the mud from his shoes. Turning to the kitchen I ask him, "Would you like some tea?"

"Yes, please. That would be nice." He replies with a small smile. Filling a kettle, I turned on the stove and waited for the water to start boiling. Feeling eyes on my back, I turn to see Peeta staring at me; watching my every move.

"May I help you with something?" I ask. Suddenly I'm wary.

"Umm... actually I was coming to ask you if your offer for help with the scrapbook still stands." He replied.

"Oh." Yep, definite repeat of yesterday. But I'm seriously shocked, I didn't think he would reconsider. "Yes, yes it does if you would like to help me." I reply. He smiles at me and I flashback to the times when sharing a smile was as easy as breathing between us.

"Okay, great. When would you like to start?" He asks.

"Well, I have to wait for the materials to come from the Capital. Dr. Arelius is sending them so I'll let you know when they arrive?" I suggest.

"That sounds good." He says with another smile. Hesitantly I return it with a small one of my own. I'm happy to just stand there like a dork, looking at him before the corners of his smile twitches. "Umm... I think your water is ready." He says gesturing to the water boiling in the pot. I had not even noticed that the bubbles were getting dangerously high enough to spill out onto the stove. Turning quickly I turn off the stove and pretend I'm having difficulty grabbing two cups from the cabinet so he doesn't see the blush on my cheeks. What is going on with me?

I pour the water into the cups and add some tea bags to our beverages. Handing Peeta a cup, our fingers brush. As soon as he has his hands around the mug, I pull away quickly. No need to confuse myself anymore than necessary. After a few more minutes of small talk and sipping on our tea Peeta stands to leave.

"I'll drop off some cheese buns later on." He says.

"Okay, that sounds great - thanks." I reply.

"No problem." He says. Right before he opens the front door he abruptly stops and turns around to me again.

"This is going to sound odd, but was there a day when we were in your bedroom and you were hurt?" He asks me. Huh, what an odd question.

"Ummm... yes. The peacekeepers had turned on the electricity in the fence by the meadow. I was stuck on the opposite side of the fence, I ended up jumping over it after climbing a tree and hurt my tailbone and broke the bone in my heel." I said, remembering the memory. We had gotten by the peacekeepers, but only just. That was a time when he held me without fear, without confusion. That night, when my family was still together.

"That's right," he mutters to himself.

"What?" I ask.

"Oh no, I just remembered that moment for some reason." He says, a thoughtful look on his face.

"Well, I remember I had difficulty getting up the stairs on my own, so you carried me to my bed. I was so tired. I, well, I grabbed your hand and held it."
"That's right, you did." I looked at him in surprise. He remembered this?

"You remember that?" I ask him.

"Yeah. It's been just on the tip of my memory, you know? I just... I feel like I said something that day. Something important." He replies.

"Well... you were going to leave, but I didn't want you to. I was just so tired and my mom had given me some medication so I was a bit drowsy. But I grabbed your hand and asked you to stay with me. Until I fell asleep at least. I don't think I was awake long enough to get that last part out though," I say, a small smile on my face, lost in my memory.

"That makes sense. I stayed, right?" He confirms, his brow furrowed in concentration.

"Yes. Yes, you did. You said something else but I didn't catch it. I was already losing consciousness." I replied. No, you remember. My brain tried to say. I remember the time when I woke up in the Capitol and heard that word Peeta had murmured. No, it was just a hallucination. I chide myself. Yeah, that was it.

"Always." Peeta whispers, as if I had just voiced my thoughts aloud.

"What?" I ask, my eyes wide.

"Always. I said 'always'." Peeta replied looking at me in wonder.

"Really, you remember saying that?" I ask.

"Yeah... it's been on my mind for a while now." He replies.

"I was waking up one day in the Capitol and thought you had said that, I guess my subconscious caught it after all." I reply in a whisper.

"Huh, I guess it did." He says looking me intently in the eye. "I'll see you later, Katniss."

"Yeah, see you." I reply, still a little dazed.

"Oh, and Katniss?" I look up.

"Thanks." He says, giving me a half smile.

"For what?" I ask.

"Giving me a chance." Then, still smiling I watch him turn and walk away.

Sorry that it's been a while! Hope you enjoyed this chapter - at least it's a little longer than usual!

- Mx2Blue326