"I've got some things to read for work tomorrow. I brought the mail though. There's a letter from your sister." I say handing Jules the blue air mail envelope.
"I wonder what Dorothy's up to back in the States. I'm sure she's still trying to get her household organized." I watch Jules carefully open the letter and read the first couple of lines. Her eyes well up with tears immediately. "Oh, Paul, she's going to have a baby!" She's trying not to let her tears fall, I can tell. She just wants to be happy for her sister. "Isn't it wonderful?" She asks as her tears finally flow over. She and I have been trying to have a baby for so long without success. It seems so unfair that Dorothy is going to have the one thing Jules has always wanted. She's slumped into a chair at the kitchen table and I go over and kneel next to her.
"I'm sorry Jules." I say as I hold her in my arms. I don't know what else to say to her. There isn't anything else to say.
"I don't want to cook anymore today." Jules says with a complete lack of emotion. She goes over the stove and turns all the elements off and throws her apron on the counter. I watch her walk stiffly out of the kitchen and start up the stairs. I stand stock still for a moment and then run up the stairs after her. I follow the sound of the sobs as I reach the top of the stairs until I reach the bedroom. Jules has thrown herself face down on our bed. I go and sit next to her and rub soothing circles on her back. "I thought you had reading to do." She says her voice muffled by the blankets.
"I think this is more important, don't you?" I ask. She's so vulnerable sometimes.
"Oh, Paul, what am I going to do?" Jules asks me as she sits up and hugs her knees. I suspect she knew this was coming, but it has still hit her hard.
"We'll get through this, Jules. We've had lots of friends who have had children. This is no different." I say as I lean against the headboard. Jules moves up and lays her head in my lap.
"That's not true, Paul, and you know it! This is my little sister and now she has the one dream I've always had!" Julia says angrily. She's as frustrated as I have become about not being able to have children.
"It's not going to be easy, but your sister is going to need and want your support through this. Your mother isn't here for her to go to. It's all on you, Jules. You'll have to be strong for her. I'm sure that your sister didn't want to upset you, but she needs your help." I say trying to make sure that Jules isn't mad at Dorothy.
"I know that, but it doesn't make it any easier to hear the news from her. Paul, you know better than anyone the internal struggles I've been through about not having children and the fact that my sister can have children just makes me feel even worse." Julia says as she looks up at me.
I reach down and pull Julia into my arms. She snuggles into my shoulder as tears continue to run down her face. She sniffs in my ear and I quietly pass her my handkerchief. When she's stopped crying I lean down and kiss her. "I love you no matter what. Really, you know, it's probably better with my career that we don't have children. I'd hate to tear them out of school and away from friends every time we had to move towns or countries. Dorothy will be a wonderful mother and you'll have a chance to be a wonderful aunt without having to deal with the discipline issues. Did she say when she's due? I'll try and get some time off so we can go and spend some time with the baby." I say trying to turn the news into a positive event for her.
"I didn't finish the letter. I got to the part about her being pregnant and I couldn't read any more." Julia admits as she wipes her eyes with my handkerchief. Her eyes are all red and puffy.
"Would you like me to go get the letter and we can finish reading it together?" I ask carefully. Deep down I know Jules wants to know what the rest of the letter says. She loves hearing from her sister. Sometimes I feel terribly guilty about how far away from her family my job has taken us.
"Yes, please." Jules says as she sniffs and wipes her nose with my hankie.
I slide off the bed and go down the kitchen to retrieve the letter written on the onion skin blue paper. As I pick up each page of the letter scattered across the floor I notice the tear stains that have made the ink run just a little. I carefully fold the sheets of paper and tuck them back into the pale blue envelope. I slowly climb the stairs to our bedroom to give Julia some time to collect her emotions. "Here Jules," I say as I quietly enter the bedroom.
"Will you read it to me?" Julia asks quietly. For someone with a larger than life personality she does have her moments of very low self-esteem. It's clear she doesn't want to touch the letter that has tainted the tranquillity we've had in Paris until now.
"Of course, Jules, I don't mind doing that." I say as I settle back on the bed next to Jules. Julia snuggles into me and allows me to lean back against the headboard. "Where did you get to?"
"About the third line down just after the word pregnant." Julia says sleepily. She drapes her arm across my waist which is expanding as her cooking gets better and better. Jules thinks it's a good thing because I've always been quite thin.
"I know how much this news will distress you, but I felt that it would be better coming from me than if dad told you. You know how brusque he can be. Don't feel badly about any of this, I couldn't have predicted it either. I want you to know that I love you and that this doesn't make you any less who you are. You will be a wonderful aunt to this baby. I want to come and see you very soon and talk to you face to face because I know you won't tell me your true feelings in a letter. I hope that this got to you before dad did because if you heard the news from him I know that he wasn't subtle about anything that he said. Knowing him he'd think that because you haven't had children yet, it would be a perfect reason to get rid of Paul somehow. We both know Paul is perfect for you, but dad certainly never warmed to him. If dad does call or write don't let him get the best of your emotions. None of this is your fault. You couldn't have predicted one thing that has happened. I love you Julia. I'll let you know when we're coming over for a visit. It will probably be soon. Love always, your sister Dorothy." I sigh as I finish the letter. Dorothy's right. Jules' father will think this is the perfect opportunity to persuade Jules to marry someone else. He and I have never gotten along. I'm too left wing for him.
"Oh, she does understand. That makes me feel so much better. I knew Dorothy couldn't be that insensitive. I am happy for her, but I was hoping that she wouldn't have children quite yet." Julia says calmly. She begins to fall asleep next to me. I set the letter aside and snuggle down into the covers with her. She smiles as she wavers between consciousness and unconsciousness.