Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or its characters; Stephanie Meyer does. I also do not own the words or music to "Dammit" those belong to Mark Hoppus, Tom DeLonge, and Scott Raynor nor do I own the words or music to "In the Air Tonight" those belong to Phil Collins.

A/N: Welcome back. Did you miss me? I meant to update sooner but I simply couldn't tear myself away from the Olympics long enough to remember what was going on with my own story. I had no idea that hockey and cross-country skiing could be so exciting. Thankfully it's over now and NBC can stop holding my TV hostage. As per usual I am sans-beta, so I apologize for any mistakes you may come across. Thanks as always to Jessica for taking time out of her busy life to encourage me. This week's celebration libation of choice is bottle of Double Chocolate Stout. I have high hopes for its tastiness.

And it's happened once again
I'll turn to a friend
Someone that understands
Sees through the master plan

But everybody's gone
And I've been here for too long
To face this on my own
Well I guess this is growing up -"Dammit" by Blink 182

Bpov

"No."

"Absolutely, not."

"I can't believe you did that! You know how I feel about it. It's horrible and disgusting and totally inappropriate."

"I was there and I saw what you did. I saw it with my own two eyes, so you can wipe. . . Fuck."

It was official, not only was I carrying on yet another one-sided conversation, but I'd also managed to throw some Phil Collins into the mix. I wondered if that was a sign that I needed some serious psychiatric help. I quickly decided it wasn't, it's not like I'd been quoting John Tesh or Vanilla Ice.

Cooper let out yet another yelp and threw himself against the side of his kennel again, all the while staring up at me with his big amber eyes. He was such a little shit eating bastard. Normally he only went in his kennel for trips and sleeping, but I honestly couldn't stand to have him anywhere near me at the moment so it was into the kennel he'd gone and he was none too happy about it. The best part was that his kennel was a lovely shade of pink, sure I could have butched it up for him a bit, but I'd totally plastered the thing with rainbows, hearts and unicorns. It looked like it had been picked out and decorated by a third grade girlie girl, which I had to admit I really loved about it.

It confused the heck out of vet techs whenever I'd had to take him in for shots or a checkup. The look on their faces was always priceless. They knew from the chart that Cooper was a boy but when they would see the kennel they always did a double take and recheck the chart. I of course never offered up any kind of explanation. Besides Coop's a dog, it's not like he had idea how girly his little carrier and current prison was.

I turned away from him and walked over to my laptop. I googled whether it was safe to give a dog some Listerine, but the responses were too mixed for me to actually chance it. Damn.

Why on today of all days did he have to eat poop and in front of the talkative Mrs. Cope as well? Apparently, someone in the building didn't understand the need to bring a plastic bag with them to clean up after their dog. Maybe Edward had a dog? He's so the type of guy who'd think he was too good to pick up dog droppings.

Actually that was kind of a blessing, maybe now she'd think twice before coming up to me to talk about her grandkids and potholders for forty-five minutes. That woman just did not know when to stop talking. At least the timing of he's little tasty treat was good, I'd been making excuses to leave the conversation for a minimum of ten minutes, but the old woman was having none of it. I'd gotten the feeling that she was leading up to something and I'd been right when she'd asked if I'd met "the dapper young man" who lived down the hall from me. I can only assume she meant Assward. Just as I was attempting to craft a reply that wouldn't cause her to stroke out and die, she gasped and looked thoroughly disgusted.

For a second I'd been worried that I'd actually been saying the offensive things instead of just thinking them, it had been known to happen before after all. Then I realized she wasn't staring at me. I followed her line of sight and sure enough there was my precious baby, chowing down on a random turd like it was a freaking peanut butter Twix.

My first reaction was to retch a little.

My second was to scream "NO!" and drag him way from his little crap buffet.

The little beast hadn't even had decency to look ashamed! No, he'd just gave me his best innocent "What did I do something wrong?" look and then lunged for his impromptu mid-afternoon snack again.

He did not get seconds.

This had not been Cooper's first foray into the world predigested delights. It was a carry over from his first home and something the vet had warned me about, but just because I'd been forewarned didn't mean I found it any less disgusting. I'd only caught him doing it twice before but it had been almost a year since the last time and stupid me had figured that meant he was cured. Guess I was wrong.

Being a responsible dog owner and decent human being, I cleaned up after Cooper and the other nameless dog with a jack-hole for an owner before heading back inside. By the time I was done Mrs. Cope was long gone, I guess gossipy old ladies could move pretty fast when they wanted to.

Now I was trying to figure out what to do with my lovely little excrement eater. My apartment warming was due to start in less than forty-five minutes. My original plan had been to let him run around and greet people. I knew eventually he'd get tired or overwhelmed and settle himself back in he's kennel, the problem with that plan was that he's a really cute little thing and I was sure people would want to pick him up and hold him. Cooper was a total cuddle whore and he always repaid the snuggles with a lick or two. I couldn't in good conscience let my friends receive dookie tainted puppy kisses.

I decided that I would just tell them not to let him lick them because he had a gross tooth, hopefully the threat of doggy gingivitis would be enough to put my friend on high alert.

After a short stare-down and a quiet growl from me to let him know how seriously pissed off I was, I let him out of his kennel. All of his yelping was giving me a headache anyway.

As I set out the various snacks I'd prepared for the party I scanned my apartment one last time to make sure it was presentable. Yesterday had been a bit of a waste. I'd spent most of the morning in bed trying to convince myself that I wasn't hung-over, it was just bad allergies or the start of a cold but by eleven I'd stopped lying to myself and had returned to unpacking and decorating. I'd like to say that my design aesthetic said fun-and-funky-mildly-traveled-book-and-art-loving-woman, but it probably just said I-like-to-read-and-shop-at-Target. I'd know how successful I'd been when Alice showed up, the look on her face when she first saw my apartment would say it all.

God, I was so excited to see her again. I hadn't seen her or Rose since May when they'd come out to visit me for a girl's weekend. We'd gotten really drunk three nights in a row, they'd told me all about the supposed joys of being married, and I'd suffered in silence through a mani-pedi. I hated the feel of emery boards when they filed my nails and my feet are so ticklish that it had taken all my will power not to kick the poor woman in the face.

Angela and Ben were also going to make an appearance. I think the last time I saw them was just after little Sophie was born about two years ago. I'd been in the area for Rose's wedding and to visit Charlie. Sophie was one cute baby, which was saying something since I usually think they either look like monkeys or aliens. Angela had told me that they would be leaving Aiden and Sophie with her mom, since she was the only one of my friends who had kids. I had pretended like I was sad when she told me, but secretly had been relieved.

Chelsea was going to catch a ride with Jessica and her new girlfriend Bree. Thank God, Jessica had finally wised up and dumped Lauren's crazy ass. Lauren had been my first roommate at school and a total wackjob. She was a bi-polar, bulimic, bi-sexual, that sleep ate, and only wore the color pink; living with her had been a total nightmare. Poor Jessica had caught her cheating on her during our senior year with the world's weirdest twins: Alec and Jane. I'd never been entirely clear if it had been a threesome kind of thing or shifts and I honestly didn't want to know. I hoped Jessica's tastes had improved and Bree would treat her right.

Chelsea was my official "single girl" friend. She always had the best date-gone-wrong stories. We'd met when Alice had been recruited to the crew team to be a coxswain for the men's team, Chelsea had also coxed but for the women. Chelsea and I had bonded over our mutual love of John Mayer and cheap romance novels. Our last year at school we'd hosted an awesome radio show. I'd like to think our show had been pretty popular but neither of us had cared, we'd always just enjoyed the music and pretending we were cool.

With all the snacks artfully arranged and about twenty minutes to go before I'd told people to show up, which meant that Alice and Jasper would be showing up any second, I checked my "party playlist." I'd carefully crafted it so that it was full of not only great music, but all of the songs were good background music so that none of them would impinge on conversations. I'd also gone through and removed any and all songs that made me think of Edward in anyway.

I hadn't seen him since he'd ambushed me on Thursday, but that might have had something to do with the fact that every time I walked past his door I gave it the finger and a look that said "approach me and I will punch you in the crotch." I didn't even know if he'd been in his apartment but it felt great each time I did it.

The whole time I'd been setting up and checking over things Cooper had been following me around like a lost child. I was sure he wanted me to pick him up and cuddle him but that just wasn't in the cards for him today. Just as I was gently nudging him away with my foot for what felt like the four hundredth time since I'd set him free there was a knock on my door. We both went to investigate; his progress was just a bit louder since he barked the whole way there.

Sure enough it was Alice and Jasper. Alice and I did the squealie girlie bouncy hug thing and Jasper gave me an excellent boy-hug. In my opinion there were few things better than a good hug from a hot guy that smelled nice. Jaspers hugs were great, but Emmett's were freaking out of this world, not that I'd ever tell either of them that. Emmett was just designed for hugs, he was big, warm, and squeezed just enough to make you feel safe and secure but not so much as to make you worry about being crushed to death.

I watched Alice's reaction closely as she took in my apartment. I was thrilled when her face reflected approval.

Alice handed me a pan of brownies to put out. She had masterminded a plan where everyone would bring over some kind of food and leave the leftovers, recipe, and the pan for me as a welcome back present. It was kind of a cool idea even if my kitchen was pretty well stocked and I had a pretty wide selection of different recipes I'd mastered over the years.

"No way! Those aren't . . ." I asked totally shocked.

"You bet they are. We decided that we could trust you with the secret recipe." Alice said.

"These are Nana Whitlock's brownies from heaven?"

They just laughed at me and nodded.

I'd only had them once before at Alice's bridal shower. They had been so good I'd tried to steal the pan just so I could lick the crumbs and I'd literally begged Nana Whitlock on my knees for the recipe. While she had been amused by my antics, she had politely informed me that the recipe was for family only. Alice had received it shortly after the wedding and had held it over my head for years. Bitch.

"We decided you deserved a big reward for moving your stubborn ass back out here where you belong!"

"Thanks Alice. I feel the love." I said with a snort. Had I mentioned I missed her?

"Oh guys by the way, umm maybe don't let Cooper lick you. He's got a gross tooth and needs to get his teeth cleaned soon." They both looked mildly grossed out but not totally disgusted. Mission accomplished.

It took a while for everyone else to filter in but the conversation never lagged. It was great to see everyone again and fun to see what they brought me. My favorite was from Chelsea who had handed me a new Starbucks' tumbler and a gift card, declaring that she didn't cook but she knew her coffee.

~*~*~

"So I'm just leaving the parking lot right? And he sends me this text, which I thought was kind of cute since we'd just exchanged numbers and all. It says 'we should hook up some night.' which is cool but it can kind of have two meaning you know? I was trying to decide which he meant when he sends me a second text and it says 'I want to fuck you so hard right now.' I seriously wonder if he thought that would make me turn around and drive back to the bar!"

Chelsea's stories of dating woes never failed to amuse at a party. All of the married girls were all laughing and making comments about how glad they were to be out of the dating game. I couldn't wait to get out on the town with Chelsea, the single men of Seattle had no idea what has headed their way.

"Speaking of reasons it's good to be settled down . . . Jazz and I have an announcement."

What the hell? Why was Alice stealing my thunder? This was my party, my triumphant return to the Puget Sound; did she really feel the need to make the night about her? I raised a slightly angry eyebrow at Jasper. It was the equivalent of saying "Really, Jazz? You can't control your woman?" He's grin slipped a little and he had the grace to look a bit guilty.

"WE'RE HAVING A BABY!" Alice shrieked.

Well she might not have shrieked it but it sounded like it to me. I knew I must have looked shocked and tried to arrange my features into something that resembled happiness but on the inside I was chanting "no."

I did the dutiful friend thing, hugging Alice and Jazz telling them congratulations and how happy I was for them, but I secretly hated them. I'm sure Alice noticed something was up with me; she gave me a weird look. I'd probably get a call from her later tonight or tomorrow.

The thing is Alice and I had promised each other that we would have kids at the same time so we could raise them together. Alright so we'd been drunk at the time and the conversation had been years ago, but all I could think was that she was leaving me behind in a big way. Besides a promise is a promise. Everyone knows kids change everything, now all we'd talk about was her gross pregnancy stuff and then when that was over it would be all about the kid. I didn't want to hear about dirty diapers or spelling tests. Dear God, what if she wanted me to be in the delivery room with her?!

I wondered if it was too late to move back to Florida.