Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or its characters; Stephanie Meyer does. I also do not own the words or music to "Gives You Hell" those belong to Nick Wheeler and Tyson Ritter.

A/N: I swear it's not now nor has it ever been my intention to up-date this story once a year. I just keep getting distracted by all the amazing stories here and the next thing I know a whole year has passed. Really, I'm going to try my very best to slow down on the reading and get back to writing. Special thanks as always got to my fabulous friend and prereader Jessica. Also, a big thank you go to Kgunter34 and .xy for reviewing. I can't remember if I actually sent either of you a thank you pm or if I just thought about it and then didn't follow through (something I do often) so I thought a shout out here would probably be a good idea. Still no beta, so again I apologize for any mistakes you may come across. If I had one I'd probably up-date faster because somebody would be bugging me to up-date, but the downside is somebody would be bugging me all the time, which frankly sounds like a massive pain in the ass.

Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself

Yeah, where did it all go wrong?

But the list goes on and on

And truth be told I miss you

And truth be told I'm lying

When you see my face

Hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell

When you walk my way

Hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell – The All-American Rejects

Bpov

Things had escalated unexpectedly, which is why I now found myself driving onto a ferry a day early.

Yes, I was running home to my daddy, not that Charlie could protect me, but after launching my most recent volley in our little war, I was too scared to stay and see what he would do in response. Yeah, I'm a chicken shit.

~*~*~ Four Days Earlier ~*~*~

After finding Edward's little "love note" on my door Saturday night, I had decided I needed to respond in kind. Well, I classed it up a bit, because that's just the kind of chick I am. I dug around until I found the thank you notes that I'd purchased after finishing my PhD. I'd always found it funny that as flakey as Renee was, she was oddly fastidious when it came to thank you notes. I'm pretty sure the only reason she'd agreed to let me go to preschool was so I could learn how to write my name sooner, so I'd stop signing them with scribbles and doodles. I sat down at my newly assembled desk, with Cooper curled up on my right foot and with my fanciest handwriting set to work.

My Dearest Assward,

I did think about inviting you to my party, but I checked the terms of my lease there is a clause against fuckwits, so clearly you are not allowed on the premises. In fact, I now find myself wondering how you got your apartment at all; clearly you must have lied on your application. Shame on you. Thank you for the beer by the way, it was ever so tasty, too bad you didn't get to have any. Don't worry I sanitized all of the bottles before I drank from them, as I am sure they were covered in all manner of STDs just being in your presence.

Go fuck yourself.

Bella

I was so proud of myself as I read through my note before stuffing it in a matching envelope, I even got extra fancy and sealed it with a foil sticker with a cursive letter B embossed on it.

I looked at the clock and realized that while it was past midnight, my letter writing had left me strangely energized. I thought about cleaning up, but since everything from the party had already been either washed or tossed out, that just left vacuuming. I hate vacuuming. It's so loud and Coop hates it, like really hates it. Whenever I drag the vacuum out I either have to deal with him following me around and basically trying to kill it while I push the damn thing around or he huddles on the couch in a fort of throw pillows shaking and looking at me like I've just told him he's going to get neutered. Again. So not worth it just to burn off some extra energy.

I thought about delivering my note, but Edward had been a night owl in college and I didn't feel like actually talking to him.

All of a sudden I heard Charlie's voice in my head quoting one of the many Aesop's fables that he used to read me for bedtime stories: "It is easy to be brave from a safe distance." Freaking subconscious I wish you'd shut the hell up and stop using my dad's voice, it doesn't make me anymore likely to listen to you, I thought and huffed. Then I rolled my eyes, because I was talking to myself again.

I gently shook Cooper off my foot, he got up on his feet for about a half a second before flopping over and giving me a the most pathetic look I'd ever seen. I thought about just leaving him there since I knew he'd come find me sooner or later, but as I took a step away he let a little whine and I was forced to turn back and scoop him up. Or at least that was my plan. The little turd clearly had different ideas as he jumped to his feet and took off. He did a couple laps around the couch stopping occasionally to hop around and yip at me, all Chase me! Chase me! I made a few halfhearted grabs for him before plopping down on the couch and turning on the TV. I knew he'd join me when he was ready for more cuddles. The whore.

I flipped through the channels until settling on some Discovery Channel type show about pelicans.

I woke up screaming.

I sat up straight and heard my neck crack as I whipped my head to the right. Cooper was balanced precariously on the back of the couch. He'd been licking my ear, like inside my ear. I wiped furiously at it and hoped there was no lingering poo in his mouth. Gross, just gross.

"See this kind of shit is why you have to sleep in a kennel! I hope you're proud of yourself!"

He totally was.

I don't know when I fell asleep, but when I looked at the television it was clear that the pelicans had been replaced by some kind of infomercial for a magical chopping device.

Hmmm, three in the morning? Yeah I decided it was the perfect time to play mailwoman. I put Cooper to bed, because while he is cute, stealthy ninja-esque missions are not his forte. I snuck down the hall and taped the card to Edward's door then slunk back to my apartment, basking in my victory and finally ready to sleep.

I was so stupid. I don't know why I assumed that my note would be the end of things and we would just go back to ignoring each other. I was even planned to stop giving his door the finger every time I walked past. I could be a grown up.

It's funny to think how wrong I was.

On Sunday afternoon I took Cooper for a nice long walk, it was good for the both of us to stretch our legs and explore our new neighborhood. And, score! There's a fancy cupcake shop just a block in a half away! And, even more epic score: one of their daily offerings is a maple French toast cupcake with a candied bacon topper! That shit tasted so good it was magical. They were even dog friendly. They made their own doggy biscuits. So Cooper and I had stopped for a snack on the way home and had left with two doggy bags, one full of freshly made treats for him and one with a hot cocoa cupcake for me. Yum.

When we got back to our apartment there was nothing on or around the door. Clearly, he got the message; I thought to myself as I juggled getting Cooper's leash and the bags holding our treats into one hand while fishing my keys out of the pocket of my jean shorts with the other. I unlocked the deadbolt and reached for the door knob. I never bother to lock both, which isn't very cop's daughter of me I know, but I've just never really seen the point. I mean if someone was going to break in the little lock in the knob wasn't going to more effective than the deadbolt. Charlie does not agree with me of course. Not that we talk about the state of my door locks all the time or any-

Oh. Dear. God.

I quickly jerked my hand away from the knob, which hadn't turned at all and looked at it. It was shiny. I reached out and gingerly poked at the handle again, this time with just the tip of my index finger. It felt sticky and slimy at the same time. As I leaned in closer I realized that it's been given a thin, if liberal coating of Vaseline!

"Motherfucking, rat-bastard, Assward!" I screamed down the hallway.

His door remained firmly shut, but I swear on all things holy, I could hear him as he laughed his ass off.

"Grow the fuck up!" I yelled toward his door.

My rage was quickly swept away by a rising tide of revulsion, when the sudden memory of Edward extolling the virtues of Vaseline for self-abuse, popped into my head.

And just like that I was back to staring at my hand and hoping that he'd moved on to lotions. One thing was clear, I needed to get into my apartment and wash my hand immediately.

I ended up gingerly putting the key in the lock and using that to turn the knob. Then I'd spent five minutes scrubbing the crap out of my hand before bring a tub of antibacterial wipes into the hallway to wipe off the handle.

That night I ran to the store to grab what I would need for my response, but I knew I'd have to wait until tomorrow when he went out for his morning run.

On Monday I woke up early. Not because Edward usually takes a six in the morning run, but because Cooper decided he had to go outside immediately, or at least that's how I'd interpreted his cries.

While taking Cooper out I was extra vigilant in looking out for any landmines that may have left behind, Cooper would not be getting two breakfasts today. There were quite a few around the building; someone was being very lazy indeed.

After eating breakfast I had to wait for Edward to emerge from his hidey-hole. When he finally appeared, he must have mistakenly thought he'd won because I could hear him singing "We Are the Champions" on his way down the hall. Dumbass, well he wouldn't be so smug when he came back, I thought with a smirk.

I made myself wait twenty minutes before stepping out into the hall. As I walked towards the stairwell I pulled the collar of my tee-shirt up over my mouth and nose and I started spraying the heck out of the hallway. Immediately the smell of gardenias was everywhere as a slowly backed my way down the hall towards Edward's door. Once I got there I made sure to spray all around his door. I checked the bottle and discovered that I'd only used about a quarter, so I decided to really go for it. I unscrewed the cap and splashed some on the carpet at the bottom of his door, maybe I'd get really lucky and some would seep into his apartment too.

I decided to make sure that the hallway was sufficiently saturated so I pulled down my tee-shirt and took a trial sniff. Wow. Well that's sure to get his attention I thought as I trotted back to my own apartment. I was glad that I'd waited to shower until after my payback.

I rushed through my shower so I could be back by my door in time to hear Edward come home. I couldn't remember exactly why he hates gardenias, I think it had something to do with his Grandmother but I just wasn't sure.

"Son of a bitch!" Oh boy Assward was home!

I heard him stomp his way down the hall, bitchin' and whining the whole way. Take that fucker! I fist punched the air and did a happy little dance around my apartment. I even decided that I had earned chocolate cupcake from yesterday.

The rest of the day was pretty mellow. I read a little, played a few games on Facebook, and even took a little nap. Cooper was pretty good except he kept sniffing around the door; I hoped that the gardenia smell wasn't overwhelming his sensitive little nose.

In the early evening I decided it was time to take a little walk and let the Weiner relieve himself. Although "obedience" isn't typically in a dachshund's vocabulary, Cooper was usually pretty good on a leash. The only real issue was that he always liked to lead the way, he doesn't mind if I choose where we're going as long had he gets to be about a foot in front of me. It never really bothered me though because that way I got to watch his cute little paws swish back and forth.

I took a deep breath and held it as I opened the door, hopefully I'd be able to hold it all the way down the hallway.

Cooper charged out ahead of me as usual and that's when all hell broke loose.

The leash was ripped from my hand as Cooper went careening around the hallway. It took me a few seconds to understand what was happening and to process all the noise. Cooper was howling and screeching and down the hallway Edward was laughing so hard he was having trouble holding his phone up, I could only assume he was making a video. The jackass!

He must have put plastic wrap over the bottom part of my door and Cooper had gotten caught up in it as he'd charged out of our apartment. It was stuck around his little face and hooked on his collar, which was scaring the shit out him, literally.

I dashed out into the hallway after him, but he was so freaked out that he didn't want to be caught. So I chased after him, while leaping over or dancing around his fear droppings. The whole time Edward just kept laughing and filming, because God forbid that he actually helped to clean up the mess he made.

I was finally able to herd him into a corner and pull the plastic off him. He was so scared he was shaking. I scooped him up and charged toward Edward.

"Cullen! I'm going to kill you!"

Well the good news was that he didn't seem to think things were all that funny anymore. In fact he looked down right terrified. Good. I didn't even try to stop the smile that spread across my face as I saw his fear grow. That's right dipshit, be afraid, be very afraid, I thought as I stomped towards him.

I had almost reached where he stood and had every intention of kicking him in the junk when he spun around and disappeared inside his apartment, slamming his door behind him. I reached for the knob but found that it was locked.

"Edward! Come out here right now! Stop being such a fucking coward, no more hiding you damn baby!" I screamed as I pounded on the door.

"Ummmm, no. I think it's much better if I stay in here."

"You damn pussy, get your ass out here so I can kick it into next week!"

"Yeah that's not going to happen. But feel free to keep talking dirty to me; you know how much I love it. Oh you should probably get to picking up your little rat's shit, how irresponsible of you to let your animal crap inside!"

"Fucker!"

He just laughed.

I growled and turned back towards my apartment to clean up after my traumatized baby. I keep a little container shaped like a fire hydrant filled with plastic poop baggies clipped to the leash. I cleaned up quickly and decided that Cooper needed to go outside for a bit, hopefully some sunshine would help him calm down.

When we got outside, I put Coop down and he very cautiously started sniffing around. We walked around the back of the building and I saw that there was another dog owner who was also out walking his pet. Normally Cooper would have charge up to the other dog by now, even thought it appeared to be some kind of lab mix and was much larger than him, but today he hung close to me, think it was safe to say that he'd had enough new experiences for a while.

The owner of the other dog looked up and gave me a smile and a wave but couldn't walk over to say hello yet as his dog was busy dropping a load. When his dog had finished up, he strolled over to where I was standing, leaving the crap behind. This must be the guy who thinks he's too good to clean up after his dog, I thought. Well too bad for him I had reached my limit of jackassery for one day.

"Hey" he stuck his hand out for me to shake. "I'm Sam and this is Jake. You must be new." He looked me up and down. I felt nothing but annoyance. Not that he was bad looking, he was tall probably around 6'2" with short dark hair and hazel eyes, but he was certainly nothing to write home about.

"Hi, yeah I'm new, just moved in about a week ago. I'm Bella and this guy is Cooper." I shook his hand, it was weirdly damp and not very firm, tisk tisk, strike two Sam.

"So Sam I have to ask" He looked thrilled that the conversation was continuing, poor man. "Do you always make a habit of inconsiderate negligence by leaving your dog's shit on the grass instead of cleaning it up?"

I looked at said dog and noticed he was standing next to his owner staring at Cooper as my baby sniffed around Jakes paws before peeing right in front of him. Huh, I guess that he was marking his territory.

"Oh . . . ummm . . . well" He shuddered. "The thing is he's a great dog but we've been having some dominance problems lately and when I pick up after him, I think it sends him the wrong message."

"I'm sorry?" I raised an eyebrow in question.

"Yeah it's just that whenever I bend down he tries to mount me, but it's not sexual!" He stressed. "He's fixed and everything. The vet said that it's just a show of dominance, he's trying to be pack leader or something."

"Seriously?" I couldn't help laughing.

"Yeah." He blushed and looked down.

"Well that, sucks Sam, but here's the thing: If you don't pick up after him then I either end up stepping in it or my dog tries to eat it, which is gross. So since neither of those things are remotely awesome for me, it would really help me out if you could manage to deal with the tiny little inconvenience of having to remind your dog that you're in charge and clean up his messes. I'd really appreciate it." I said with my sweetest smile.

"Yeah, I could do that I guess." I could tell he didn't really want to agree but couldn't think of a good reason to say no. We talked for a little while longer and it turned out he lived in the apartment just below Assward's. I made a point to change the topic quickly when he asked if I'd met him yet. We talked for a little while longer before Cooper started tugging on the leash and whining, clearly he was bored with the conversation.

Sam in a surprising astute move took it as his cue to leave. "Well I should be going." He said and started to walk away.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" I asked pointing towards Jake's latest poop.

"Oh, well I don't have a bag so-"

"Not a problem!" I interrupted and plucked one from Cooper's leash for him to use.

"Thanks, I guess" He muttered and went over to the poop.

True to his word the moment he bent down Jake was all over him. It was all I could do not to laugh; the poor guy was probably embarrassed enough as it was. He shoved him off and looked totally mortified. He quickly finished cleaning up and practically ran inside.

"I'm so glad you know your place little man." I said to Cooper. "Now let's head inside and figure out an appropriate punishment for the mean guy who scared you!"