"I love you, I have loved you and I did love you." Mary's voice in Matthew's head had not softened; the continual loop had played over and over again since Mary had left him in the garden at Crawley House.
He had tried to focus intently on the conversation at luncheon and failed miserably. Further, he was entirely sure his pre-occupation was observed by both Lavinia and his mother. But he hoped that they would be content to believe that he was distracted because of his impending return to the front.
After luncheon he retired to his study to absorb and settle his thoughts. He re-examined his relationship with Mary; their clumsy, awestruck and proud meeting, the gradual growth and acceptance of their mutual desire and affection, his proposal, his certainty that she would accept, his heartbreak and his withdrawal when she continued to hesitate, his exile from Downton and from Mary.
If he'd only known, if she would have told him, if she would have helped him to understand her hesitation. But she didn't, so he came to his own understanding… she was sure, until his prospects were in question.
And as he relived their journey, this time and for the first time, he was warm, reassured, and comforted. Finally, finally, this time, Mary loved him, she always had.
But, Lavinia, he was promised to Lavinia. Sweet Lavinia, who loved him immediately, so beautiful, so kind, so good. He did love her; he couldn't imagine throwing her over and breaking her heart.
"I love you, I have loved you and I did love you."
But now, he could not imagine his life without Mary. Now that her feelings were known, he couldn't. He toiled through countless scenarios of how to clear a path to Mary; but he couldn't get past the reality of Lavinia and his sense of duty.
Eventually, he identified at least an interim motion. He would talk to Mary this evening and he knew exactly what he wanted to say.
Dinner at the Abbey was as to be expected. Everything was pleasant and formal and comfortable.
Matthew was glad to have this last evening with his family at Downton before heading off to the misery that was the front. He made a point to share a bit of conversation with all of his family individually and together, building and storing away memories with which to visit during his long days and nights in the trenches. But even so focused a task couldn't block out that he was still consumed with the discovery of Mary's love.
Mary gradually relaxed over the course of dinner. Although she had been tentative at first to look at him, she sensed Matthew's gaze and she turned her head, taking a glass to her lips to mask her true intention. She met his eyes across the table. And what she saw soothed her enormously.
His eyes were brimming with joy and his soft smile took her breath away. She hadn't seen him look that way… since Sybil's ball. Had she done that? She felt warm, reassured and comforted.
And against her better judgment, she began to feel hopeful.
His pulse raced every time he met her eyes. He knew he shouldn't be enjoying the sensation or even actively pursuing the glances, but he couldn't help himself, it felt wonderful. Mary loved him.
Tomorrow he was going to the front; he could and he would examine his rather complicated feelings once there. There would be plenty of time indeed, and he would be in a much different place, one that would help him distinguish between the things that matter and the things that didn't. He felt sure of that, and so for tonight, he granted himself the right to bath in the overwhelming happiness he felt.
After the men joined the ladies, Matthew secured a moment to speak to Mary. Guiding her discretely back from the others, Matthew replied.
"Before I leave, I wanted to thank you for telling me. I know that was hard for you. And I think you were right to tell me, in case anything happens… because I very much wanted to know. It gives me much pleasure. So very much pleasure, Mary. And as if to emphasize, he took her hand ever so softly and brushed his thumb over her knuckles. Their eyes locked, filled with understanding and thanksgiving. And then just as quickly, he released Mary's hand and made to move toward his mother. But before he could, Mary held him back gently with her voice, "Matthew"; Mary said softly, "thank you and such good luck."