Matthew couldn't be more delighted with the orders he received today. He couldn't believe his luck, he would shortly be heading home to Yorkshire to fulfill a much needed but temporary role to rally new recruits and support those brave and wounded soldiers recuperating at Downton Abbey. How proud he was of Robert and Cora and his mother for doing their part. He knew what a sacrifice it was and he took great pride in his family. He had imagined the changes to Downton and he couldn't wait to match his expectations to the reality. He was sure; he wasn't as generous as he should be in his imaginings.
How thrilled he was to escape this hell for such a heavenly assignment as Yorkshire and more pointedly Downton Abbey. He did feel much guilt and remorse for those he was leaving behind, if only temporary, he knew. He wondered how many under his current command would perish during his absence. He was despondent at the thought. But it was clearly beyond his control either way.
And so he let his thoughts wander back to Mary and Lavinia, both of whom, were always close of mind. His tour had been long; he'd been away nearly 10 months. Lavinia writing every week from London and Mary less frequently. But at least now, she wrote, she hadn't before, only signing letters that others had written. The charade continued as decorum and propriety dictated. Lavinia's letters were full of love and plans for the future. Mary's on the contrast were full of Downton, riddles and challenges, but also of love, but in a general way, and always such good luck.
While Lavinia's letters remained constant in their tone and text, Matthew's letters back had taken a more reserved turn. He wondered if she had noted the change. It wasn't that he wasn't loving and full of desire to see her again. He was. But he knew he was much changed in his enthusiasm for the future. He did respond in kind to her specific inquiries and lines of thought, but he didn't offer musings of his own for their future.
To Mary, he responded to the riddles and challenges and enthusiastically posed his own back to her. He took delight in challenging her in classical and historical references and was delighted to find he never stumped her. She always responded with a greater challenge. He didn't write of love, he didn't write of the future except in a general way, but he did write of his admiration and devotion. And he thanked her always, never specifically, but thanked her all the same.
His time away had indeed provided the necessary time to consider his duty in light of Mary's love for him. He acknowledged that he had chosen Mary. Mary was the one; he knew he would mourn her till the end of his days if he couldn't be with her. Yet he remained troubled and conflicted about Lavinia. He did love Lavinia, he didn't want to hurt her, didn't want to cause her unhappiness. Especially when he thought about how she had soothed his broken heart, had made him feel so special, so loved. It had never been hard with Lavinia; he had never had a moment's doubt about her love for him.
Unlike Mary. But that was changed now. Mary had finally revealed herself. He couldn't walk away from that. He wouldn't walk away from that.
It is true; war clarifies what matters and what doesn't. But it wasn't that simple. Lavinia mattered. His promises mattered. His honor mattered. He had hit a wall, how did he keep his word, his honor AND follow his heart? Oh how he wished there was case law he could reference.
While he knew his choice, he didn't know the path, it still eluded him and that troubled him greatly. He was grateful to be going home, he longed to see Mary and Lavinia, but he longed for resolution and yet, he hadn't found the resolve to clear the path.
Finding paper and pen, he wrote:
Dear Mary,
I write to you with much joy in my heart, as I will shortly be returning home with new orders for Yorkshire and the hospital at Downton Abbey. I dare say it's not permanent, but it is a much longed for situation and I can hardly believe my luck. I fancy the prayers of my family have played a role in this happy situation. If all goes according to plan I should be home in a fortnight. How happy I will be to spend Christmas and New Years at Downton. I long for the contentment I feel at Downton, I look forward to many admonishments from Cousin Violet, lessons on the care of Downton from Cousin Robert, an emotional welcome from Cousin Cora and many discussions with you on role of America on the International stage. How happy I will be. Do wish me safe travels.
Yours,
Matthew
Dearest Lavinia,
How pleased I am to tell you that I have received new orders today. I am assigned, at least temporarily, to Yorkshire and the hospital at my own Downton Abbey in a fortnight. What a joy it will be to be at home with my family while doing my duty and serving my country. I do hope you can join me as soon as possible at Crawley House; it would be wonderful for you to share Christmas and New Years with me. Please telegraph my mother of your plans. I long to see you.
Yours,
Matthew