A/N – So as I mentioned before some readers are feeling Matthew is a bit OC in this story. And I while I had disagree with that opinion, in plotting out this next chapter and reviewing the last few, I did find a contradiction between who Matthew is and what he is doing. I will attempt to correct that coarse here. It's not Matthew who is OC, but the author that failed to clarify his situation and intent.

No Mary here except in Matthew's heart…

December 12, 1916

Confusion crossed Lavinia's face as she re-read the telegram she had just received from Isobel.

"What is it?" Lavinia's father Reginald inquired.

"Its from Matthew's mother, she asks when I intend to arrive in Downton for Christmas."

"But you aren't going to Downton for Christmas."

"No, I am not. I'm not sure I understand."

"Perhaps Matthew can explain, when does he arrive?"

"His telegram indicated he would be arriving in London on the 3:00 from Dover."

"And will he come straight here?"

"I imagine he will stop at Grantham House first to refresh himself. I expect him shortly after dinner."

November 27, 1916

After finishing his letters to Mary and Lavinia, Matthew pulled out a fresh sheet of paper to write to his mother. And as he wrote, he realized that he could not ask Lavinia to Christmas.

It occurred to him that it wasn't that he couldn't find the path; it was that he hadn't had to. He was at the front, living in a stinking, filthy trench with little to eat or drink, inadequate sleep, where he was expected to lead men to kill other men AND to stay alive. Was he really expected to work out how he was going to throw over his fiancé at the same time? Was that fair to him, to Lavinia? Would it have been honorable of him to jot out a quick letter to Lavinia breaking their engagement? Surely not. But now that he was going home, he knew he must go to Lavinia immediately and tell her. And so, he tore up the letter and resolved to arrange for a telegram to inform Lavinia of his arrival in London as soon as his leave date was settled.

December 12, 1916

Matthew rang the bell and waited for the door to be opened. He was very nervous, he did not want to hurt Lavinia, and yet he knew he was about to break her heart. Still he was resolved and he comforted himself somewhat with the thought the she deserved to be with someone who loved her the most.

He wondered if Lavinia would see it immediately on his face, he wondered what she would say, he wondered if he would find the words to help her understand and lessen her heartbreak.

Lavinia and Reginald stood and moved toward him earnestly, as Matthew was shown to the drawing room. Matthew closed the distance, reaching Reginald first, and as he shook his hand warmly, Reginald brought his other hand around behind Matthew's shoulder patting it firmly, yet gently. "My dear Matthew, it's wonderful to see you looking so well. How thrilled we were to hear of your leave and how grateful we are to welcome you home to England."

Matthew replied, "How very glad I am to be here, I have been away far too long. I trust you are well, you look very well indeed."

"Well, I dare say, more so now that you are home."

Reginald stepped to the side, to make room for Lavinia.

Matthew turned toward Lavinia and took her hand in his and brought it to his lips, kissing it gently. He felt dishonest in what this greeting was communicating to her, but he knew it was what was expected and he wasn't ready to signal his intent just yet. Looking at her with great sincerity and warmth, he said, "Dearest Lavinia, I am so pleased to see you."

Lavinia beamed, her heart was racing, and she felt such joy. Matthew was here, he was safe, and he was home. "Oh Matthew, welcome home…" she paused, her emotions overwhelming her.

As she composed herself, Reginald offered Matthew a drink.

After a while, as the conversation slowed, Reginald excused himself under the cover of "briefs to review" in order to provide Lavinia and Matthew some time alone together.

Matthew mentally prepared himself for what was to come. Sweet Lavinia, who loved him immediately, who was so beautiful, so kind, so good. He did love her; but he couldn't imagine his life without Mary.

It wasn't fair, it wasn't right for either of them. Lavinia didn't deserve to be second. She should be loved as Matthew loved Mary. She would see that eventually, he knew. But at this moment she believed that Matthew loved her as she loved him and it pained him greatly that he was about to shatter her reality. He braced inwardly and prayed for strength as he began the conversation that would break her heart.

Lavinia interrupted his thoughts, "I received a most confusing telegram from your mother this morning."

"Indeed" he replied.

"It appears she is under the impression that I will be spending Christmas in Downton."

"Yes, well I suppose she assumed that since I would be home for Christmas, you would be joining us."

"I see, I suppose that is right. But, even with our understanding, I haven't been invited…"

"Yes, quite right."

"Am I invited?"

Matthew smiled to give himself cover, "Lavinia," he swallowed, "it was important to me to come to London first before I went to Downton."

Lavinia beamed understanding, "Of course, I am glad of it."

"It was important to me because I needed to see you" he continued on before she could misunderstand again, "I needed to see you because I have something of great importance to talk to you about" he delayed.

"Yes?"

"Lavinia, I do love you, you mean a great deal to me, you must know that."

"Of course" Lavinia muttered, fear flooding into her consciousness.

Matthew held his breath and summoned his resolve. He exhaled and continued. "Lavinia, you are so very dear, so beautiful, so good, so kind… but, I find that I am unable to honor my promise… to you, to us. I am so sorry."

"Matthew! What do you mean, what are you saying, I don't understand? You love me, you said so, just now. Please!" Lavinia panicked, praying that this wasn't happening, it couldn't be true.

"Lavinia, you deserve so much, you deserve to be first in your beloved's heart. I can't give that to you. I thought I could, but I can't. I don't want you to settle, and I don't want to settle. It wouldn't be fair to either of us." Matthew explained.

"What do you mean settle, I am not settling. I love you. You are first in my heart." And then she realized, her heart stopped, she breathed out, "I am not first in your heart."

"Lavinia, I am so so sorry. I didn't mean for this. Never! I never wanted to hurt you. But, I can't, I just can't."

And then another realization, "Mary" she whispered.

And he didn't have to say anything, she saw her in his eyes. And her heart broke.