Chapter 9 – And all is right

A/N – So I got through it, so much to share. I hope you enjoy.

After the ladies had left, Robert nodded to Matthew as he waved his arm in the direction of a chair, inviting Matthew to sit down. Robert had been looking forward to this opportunity since he first received word that Matthew would be home in time for Christmas. He had missed him and was rather starved for his conversation and easy manner. Truth was Matthew was very much like the son he never had.

In anticipation, Robert had made a mental list of a few things he did want to talk to Matthew about as soon as they had time alone. However with the revelation that Matthew and Lavinia were no longer engaged, the priority of the list had indeed changed. He very much wanted to understand if this unexpected news had anything to do with Mary and what exactly that might mean. He was hesitant to feel hopeful, however much he wanted to.

Matthew was glad to have this time alone with Robert. Their conversations had always been very enjoyable and he respected Robert a great deal. He was anxious though, and pre-occupied with Mary. Anxious to speak with her alone and pre-occupied with what had made her expression change so bitterly. He knew she meant for no one to see, that was why she turned her head toward Carson so abruptly, but he did see, and he was quite unsettled.

It was Matthew who spoke first as sipped his port. "What an enjoyable evening, I have missed all of you very much. As much as it all seems a bit strange, it also feels familiar."

"We have missed you too Matthew. How pleased we are that you are home in time for Christmas and indeed for an extended tour of duty. How fortunate. What exactly are you orders?"

"I'm not sure… my general understanding is that I will be supporting our wounded soldiers recuperating in the county and rallying support for our troops at the front, but what that particularly entails, I don't know. I suppose I will be briefed when I report for duty after the New Year."

"Ah, good then, you have a bit of time off. We shall endeavor to make the most of it. "Robert said warmly.

"Indeed. I am looking forward to it." Matthew said as he fought to keep his thoughts on their conversation.

"Matthew, I dare say, I found the news of your break with Lavinia to be quite unexpected. I do hope you are at ease." Robert queried watching Matthew intently.

Matthew hesitated, finding the question just what he needed to fix his attentions to Robert, he paused a moment more, trying to find the right way to answer, "I find I am at ease. It was a difficult conversation. I do care for Lavinia very much. She is a wonderful girl", pausing again, he continued, "She is young, she will be alright. She deserves to be happy."

"And I gather you couldn't make her happy?"

"No. I don't think I would have."

"I wonder that war helps us to understand things more clearly." Robert prompted.

"Yes, I think it does." Matthew avoided.

"So this is something you wished?" Robert pressed.

"Yes, although, she would have come to the same realization eventually." Matthew concluded. This was a difficult conversation and he wasn't quite sure how much he wanted to clarify. He did need to talk with Robert about his intentions toward Mary. But he desperately needed to talk with Mary first.

Robert felt his reading of the situation had been confirmed and recognized that Matthew was at least partially avoiding sharing the whole of the truth. He was satisfied and respected Matthew too much to press further, satisfying himself that all would be revealed satisfactorily.

Robert made to stand, saying "Shall we join the ladies?"

Matthew and Robert entered the drawing room nodding greetings to the ladies. Matthew took a moment to speak to Cora and Violet briefly in order to settle himself before seeking out Mary.

Mary was in a far corner speaking with Isobel. Isobel noted Mary's attention had waned since Matthew had entered the room. As if to facilitate, Isobel sought to capture Matthew's attention to summon him over.

He met his mother's eyes, having already noted Mary's presence next to her, and excused himself so he could join them.

"Ah, Matthew, we were just discussing plans for our patients at Christmas." Isobel said directing the conversation while thinking ahead as to how to excuse herself at the earliest possible moment.

"I believe we will need to strive to make it as festive as possible and make them feel at home." Matthew replied looking with anticipation at Mary.

Mary smiled and greeted him. She was very agitated, finding herself pre-occupied with the information that she knew she would shortly have to share with Matthew.

"Well, if you'll excuse me. I need to talk with Cousin Cora about the some changes to the meal schedules." Isobel said, making her departure to the other side of the room.

Mary broke the silence, "Are you enjoying yourself, being here with all of us?"

Matthew noted her words were appropriate, but noticed her hesitance in manner and was further unsettled. He gathered himself, determined to disregard his uncertainty and redirecting the conversation replied "Lavinia and I are no longer engaged." His eyes searched her face for a response.

Mary softened instantly, "I gathered from what you said at dinner. I hope that you are not too unsettled."

"On the contrary, I hope that I will be quite settled." He looked at her meaningfully.

Mary felt she did understand him quite well. She fought with herself bitterly knowing that she had to tell him now, she had hesitated before and she had lost him. How she loved him. She wanted to be with him more than anything she had ever wanted in her whole life.

He would despise her once she told him. But he would despise her anyway if she hesitated to affirm her affection again. She had to tell him. She had already revealed herself. There was no explanation for any delay she might request if he made his intention known.

Finally resolved, she said, "Matthew, I wonder if I might show you a new acquisition Papa has made at my request in the library."

Matthew's heart pounded in his chest at this request, his blue eyes shined brightly and he replied earnestly, "Of course, I'd be most interested in your current reading list and would very much like to see the new library. Please lead the way."

Mary led the way, briefly pausing to tell her Mama that she wished to share her latest literary interest with Matthew. Cora nodded her approval with a knowing smile, "Of course dear, I fear Matthew has not enjoyed the pleasure of new literature for some time."

Mary led the way to the new library with Matthew following closely.

As they entered the room and closed the door behind them, she was terrified. How could she find the words, she desperately wanted to find anything to excuse her behavior, help him to understand, so that he didn't reject her, didn't despise her. Nothing, she had nothing to excuse herself and she steeled herself. I will tell him, I must tell him, then he will decide for himself.

Matthew was feeling quite giddy, this moment, the moment he thought he'd never find himself again in was in front of him and he willed the words to come to him to express to Mary all that he felt, all that he wanted.

As they reached Robert's desk with the newly acquired books on top ready to be cataloged, Mary stopped and turned toward Matthew. Instantly, he reached for her hands and took them in his. "Mary" he began.

"Matthew." Mary stopped him. As he gazed at her with such love, her heart pounded in her chest. She willed herself to focus. I have to tell him, she steeled herself. Looking at him soberly, her eyes tearing up she said, "I need to tell you something."

Before her resolve could be broken, she explained herself softly, "Do you remember Mr. Pamuk? The Turkish diplomat who stayed with us shortly after you arrived at Downton?"

"Yes. Of course, the fellow who died." Matthew said puzzled.

"Yes, well" she continued, "He died in my bed."

Matthew paused, confused, "I am afraid I don't understand."

Mary determined to get it all out, "He died in my bed, I was with him, and he had been with me."

"He was with you in your bed? Why?"

Mary did not indulge her desire to demure, "I was with him, he came to my room, uninvited, but I let him stay and he died in the act."

Matthew was utterly confused, he desperately tried to calm himself, make sense of what she was telling him. Mr. Pamuk, the man he remembered that she had so obviously preferred over Mr. Napier and himself. He remembered that he was jealous of her attentions and her affection toward him. But it was abstract, he hardly been aware of his feelings then.

Matthew pulled himself together, "Did you love him, do you love him? Why are you telling me this?" the questions spilled out of him.

"No, I didn't love him. I don't know why I let him, he came to my room, he was exciting, I didn't resist my urge for excitement, for something, I don't know. I was foolish; I have never been so foolish in all my life." She felt relief, but she braced herself for what she knew was coming as tears continued to pool in her eyes.

Matthew who had released Mary's hand some time ago fought to collect his thoughts. He struggled for clarity and finally found it, "Is this the reason you hesitated to accept me?"

Tears streaming down her face, Mary replied, "Yes. I couldn't bring myself to tell you. I couldn't find the words. I knew you would despise me and I couldn't bear it."

He understood and he loved her so much in that moment, "Oh my darling" he said as he reached for her and drew her into his embrace. "I don't despise you, I never could. I love you, I always have." He drew back so that he could find her lips and pulled her toward him again kissing her passionately.

They finally pulled apart, still in each other's arms, both of them breathless, lost in each other, but lost in their thoughts.

Mary spoke first, "I don't understand. I am spoiled."

Matthew shushed her with his lips, delivering quick, sweet kisses as he said. "Don't ever think that, don't ever say that. I love you. I love you all the more for telling me. That must have been so hard for you and to think you loved me enough to tell me. Well its quite loving isn't it. I mean if you didn't love me, you wouldn't have bothered. And again he kissed her pouring all his love and understanding into it so she would know, it didn't matter. He loved her.

Finally, he pulled back and she hissed her displeasure. "Mary, I wonder if we start again."

"Again?"

"That is, I wonder what your answer might be if I asked you again?

"Ask me what?" she teased.

"I wonder," Matthew dropped to one knee, taking Mary's hands into his, "Lady Mary Crawley, would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?" he gazed up at her.

"Yes!" she exclaimed.

Matthew rose and embraced Mary as they smiled joyously at each other before joining their lips again in a passionate celebration.

A/N Wow. I finally got here. Maybe have a chapter or 2 on aftermath, then it done. Thank you for the lovely reviews.