This was abandoned for years, but I decided to come back to it. I think it may switch out of the journal format or, at least, half and half. Here it is, and I don't own any of it.

August 15, 1998

I just head news of Hogwarts re-opening in September. Anyone of the students who didn't complete their last year can go back, no questions asked. Oh, right, life is starting up again. I never liked school, I was always antsy, sitting and listening and taking notes and doing homework (or waiting until it bothered Hermione enough and having her do my homework). What else can I do, though?

Fred, I know what you'd say- get the fuck out! But what can I do? I can't start a business, I'm not savvy enough. George doesn't mind that I work at the store with him, but I'm no good there, really. I'm no you.

I keep sending Hermione letters, but since we slept together, I've haven't heard back. She sends them to Harry, no fucking surprise. He didn't fuck her without a word shared between them.

I told Harry about it yesterday. "Really?" he said, "on that nasty couch?" yup, on the couch. "Woah. So are you together now, finally?" I doubt it, we never talked about it, I didn't know what to say.

August 20, 1998

You know, right when I was really starting to warm to the idea of going to Hogwarts again, if only so the mind-numbing boredom would go away, I get hit with a whole new set of options. All my brothers have offered me work, the joke shop, the ministry, Romania (for Fuck's sake!). And then, the big one, from Shacklebolt himself, a chance to be an auror- my dream. Here's the importance piece of the letter…

"Though it is rather out of the ordinary to accept such young wizards, especially those who have yet to pass the proper examinations, the ministry is willing and hopeful that you will become a member of our auror team. We, of course, will be providing training as well as companion courses so you can pass all the proper wizarding examinations. Training, in normal circumstances, takes about 2 inclusive years to complete, however, in light of the current times, we will be streamlining new aurors to be in the field while in training."

Shit! This could be it, Harry, Hermione and me. There is no doubt, not even the slightest that I'll do this. Training begins in 3 weeks and I want this so bad. I can feel the ice melting, feel action resetting.

Fred, I bet your jealous now! Look at this shit, Fred! I can't believe it, I can't believe it.

August 21, 1998

OK, maybe I can believe this. Hermione isn't going. She's going to Hogwarts, not really a shock, but still, I'm stunned.

"Ron,

I know you received the same letter I did from Kingsley and I wanted to let you know before Harry could tell you that I am turning it down. Yes, I ran around being brave with you and Harry, but I did it because the world needed it, not because I wanted to. Well, maybe I did, I'm not sure. I'm not really sure of much anymore. I just want peace and normalcy, Ron. I want to go to school and finish out and start at a low level job and work my way up. I want to go back to being little and grow up right. Can you understand? I don't want my life to be surrounded by death and horror and treachery anymore.

I do want to see you again, before you leave for training and I leave for Hogwarts. I want to feel you again, Ron, no matter what it means.

Hermione"

All my organs have turned to slush then left to harden into one mass of pain that is desperately trying to burst through my chest. I won't see Hermione again for who knows how long. But what was that, what she said at the end- I want to feel you again no matter what it means. What the fuck is that?

Fred- does she mean sex? Or did she mean something else? Maybe she meant to write "see" instead of feel. She couldn't be that bold. We danced around each other's feelings, well, always, even now.

Hermione stood in front of Grimmald Place while it completed expanding into sight. A ball of energy swirled in her chest dispersing pulses of electricity throughout her being, she would see him again. After the first time, their first time, she couldn't place her feelings- maybe she couldn't even now. Before, oh, she loved Ron, no doubt, no question.

But now?

She wasn't sure if she wanted to. All the death, all the destruction and pain, she felt ten, twenty years were piled on her that day at Hogwarts. When she kissed Ron it was the last moment of her childhood, she would never get it back. Sleeping with him only solidified that feeling.

A loud thud echoed as the house finally fully appeared before her. She let out a slow, shaky breath, this was it.

"Hey!" Harry greeted. He was all smiles, so ecstatic, so purely happy- his whole life had been filled with pain and suffering and now it was over. They hugged tightly, and for a lovely few moments the pain and heartache, the hesitancy of all her decisions melted away. She would always have Harry, no matter what.

"How are you?" she asked while they swayed together locking in a loving bear hug.

"Fine, great in fact, now that you're here. I have to say, not having you a few feet away takes some getting used to." He gushed as they pulled away.

"Oh, finally able to relax now?" she laughed out, and Harry laughed too. How lovely.

And then, for the corner of her eye, a flame burst through. There was Ron waiting patiently for his turn. There were a few brief, breathless moments where they locked eyes, the flame coursing through her veins, reigniting the anxious energy she carried on her way here.

"Ron." She breathed

"Hi, Hermione" He said while he approached her in three long strides. At some point, though to either Hermione or Ron, was unnoticed, Harry fully let go of Hermione and stepped aside, watching the tension-filled dynamic between his two best friends. Here Ron was, less than a foot away, without an idea of how to approach their first greeting since the night on the couch. Ron extended his hand, at the same time Hermione opened her arms, "Oh" they both said and settled on a light hug.

"You'd think we'd know how to say 'hello' by now" Ron joked his mouth stretching into a bold smirk. They all laughed and their pleasure eased the awkward exchange as the tension began to chip away.

That night, Ron, Hermione and Harry sat around the table, drinking butterbeer and talking about Hogwarts.

"So, you're really going back" Harry stated, "You sure about that?"

"Yes, yes I am" Hermione chuckled, "I want to finish it right, I'm not going to be delinquents like the two of you" she mocked

And, for the first time since she arrived, she really looked fully at Ron, who seemed less than pleased. He held her gaze for only a moment, dropping his lids in shame. At this exchange, Harry exuberantly yawned, "Oh, well I'm off to bed. Tomorrow we were thinking of going to the Burrow if you like, Hermione." She smiled and nodded before Harry turned to leave the room.

And then it was only two.

"Ron…" she began not really knowing where to go, what to say. Hadn't she had a million things? Hadn't she spent the last few nights restlessly reviewing all he needed to know?

"I'm sorry" he burst.

"Sorry?"

"Yes. I'm sorry for, for, everything. For leaving you two during the war, for not going back to Hogwarts, for being an awful penpal" he couldn't stop, everything was flowing out of him with reckless abandon, "I'm sorry for not going with you to find your parents, for never visiting you, for fucking you on a dirty couch and never saying a word about it." With that he shocked himself, audibly gasping at his last statement- that was not the way he intended to bring up the "incident."

Hermione sat without a word, shock covering her face, "Wow" she finally whispered.

"OK, sorry for that too, now" he said laughing slightly and she laughed too.

"Ron," she said covering his hand with hers, "Let's not worry about 'sorry' now" and with that she leaned over the table, her breasts peaking through the neckline of her shirt, and kissed him for a third time.

And it began, almost as if had before. Their kiss deepened, their tongues swirled, their throats let out deep moans. The kiss broke only for both to stand up, face-to-face, pulsating body to pulsating body. His hands wrapped around her, one exploring the sway of her back, while the other clung to her neck. And she, in rapacious joy, pushed her body tightly to his, grabbing his hair. They moved together, somehow, until she was pressed up against the door leading to his room.

Without letting go, without stopping, Ron turned the knob and as the door swung open, they stumbled in breaking the kiss for the second time. They stared at each other, searching for answers in the other's eyes as their chests rhythmically expanded and contracted. Were they really going to do this again?

"Hermione" he started breathlessly, she shook her head as if to say, not now, not now.

"No." he said more boldly this time, "I don't want this to be like last time." She looked hurt and frustrated. Why was he stopping this? Why couldn't they shut off, shut out?

"Ron, don't do this. We don't need to do this!"

"Yes we do!" he was screaming now, letting all the frustration of years of fighting drain out of him. "Hermione," he started again, his voice striving to sound more controlled, more together, "We never talked about the last time, I need this; I need to know. Hermione, please" he begged as she shifted her eyes down, folding her arms tightly against her chest. "Please, I love-"

"No!" she shot "No, don't say it, Ron, don't do this to me. We can't be in love, you're leaving, I'm leaving. And what? Are we supposed to pretend that all that happened didn't? That people didn't die before us, that the wizarding world isn't in shambles? Can't we just have this, you and me, without worry, without love or commitment?"

Ron's heart sunk, she didn't want him, she didn't want any of him, or at least, not all of him.

"OK" he said because if he could only have the tiniest bit of Hermione it was better than nothing.