Four months ago

Kevin hated being in Uganda. It was hot, his mission companion was one of the most annoying people he'd ever met, and he had his second Hell Dream. Breaking rule #72 AND drinking coffee AND doubting God even existed really did a number on him. It was the third most horrifying experience of his life. It changed him, permanently.

But at the same time, he loved the way Arnold looked up to him. He still drank coffee. He loved watching the red sun set over the village and that perfect moment between the scorching day and the antarctic night. He loved talking to Elder McKinley.

The mission leader knew exactly what he was going through, though he didn't say too much about his own Hell dreams. He listened and asked Kevin all about the creatures in his dream, he patted him awkwardly on the shoulder and prayed with him.

Then the dreams started coming more and more often, almost every night. He woke alone and scared every day, sweat matting his hair to his forehead. Arnold slept late and snored, no one could see the way he hiccuped for breath or his hands fisted in the thin sheets of his bed. No one could see Super Mormon Elder Price falling apart. He tried so hard to believe, he tried to forgive himself for doubting. He thought he was free.

Connor knew. Connor saw. He saw his own fear in Kevin's face and it pained him. It was clear Kevin was on the slippery road he'd already traveled, although if the confusion in his eyes was anything to go by he didn't realize it yet.

Connor didn't say anything. Kevin cried on his shoulder, broke down and begged Heavenly Father to just let him be. He cursed and broke things and once he even shoved Connor to the floor. But the former district leader never did anything but listen with a pained look on his face.

This arrangement lasted for weeks, with Kevin sitting on the floor in Connor's office while he worked. Sometimes they sat outside to watch the sunrise when they woke before dawn. Other times they watched it set and waited for the moon to rise before heading back to their beds.

They counted stars and talked and bickered. Kevin cried sometimes. Connor never cried and Kevin still admires him for that. He likes to believe it was because Connor was stronger than him, that he was better. But he knows deep down it's because Connor can't cry and wouldn't let himself if he could.

Four months ago, he finally broke.

"I'm sorry." His voice was small. He kept his hands in his lap and refused to look Kevin in the eye.

"Sorry for what?"

"For bringing you into this. Kevin, I know why you're having Hell Dreams and I'm sorry but I can't help you. My mission is ending early."

Kevin can't believe his ears. He doesn't know what to talk about first. That's when he notices the tiny tears that are too small to streak down his cheeks.

"Leaving?" He doesn't want to be alone. Connor is the only thing keeping him together. He's helped him so much and he hopes his eyes say as much.

"Yes. I've failed as District Leader. Our ties with the Church are tentative at best. But don't worry, you're not in trouble. I am - was - the leader here so I will shoulder the blame." What Kevin doesn't know is that Connor stepped down all by himself. He chose to leave Uganda and ultimately the Church. But Kevin doesn't know that and Connor hopes he never will.

"Where are they sending you?"

"New York. Elder Thomas will be sent back to his family, unless he decides to stay without me."

But that breaks rule #72. Kevin is confused and upset but he can't voice it. His vocal cords have mysteriously vanished from his throat and his stomach is turning.

"You'll get a new leader. It will be better. Trust me."

It's not better. Kevin waves goodbye and he even shakes the hand of Connor's replacement. But he's no longer Kevin Price, Super Mormon. His dreams get worse. He gets them every night now and he suddenly realizes why Connor never cried. He understands the pain that never goes away. He wonders why Connor was having the dreams in the first place. He lives for the day he and Arnold and Nabulungi can get back to the states and find Connor.

Kevin just can't figure out why.