Chapter 8
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Why did that encounter have to be so ridiculously painful? Why did she feel the need to make that as awful as possible? I mean, really. That was incredibly unnecessary. I could tell every conversation she threw at me was so forced. She obviously didn't realize that silence wasn't a sign of my hatred for her.
But I was a little irate on that walk, and it wasn't her fault. I had had an amazing time at the beach, but that fucking tire pissed me off. I mean, really, what a perfect time to pop, god dammit. I guess, maybe, in some weird way I blamed her for the wheel's destruction. She was the one who wanted to go to the beach in the first place... but it was pointless to try and argue who's fault it was. The tire had blown up all on its own. The point was mute.
The whole walk felt strangely pleasant, to me anyways. Rinoa, apparently, thought otherwise. But I felt comfortable around her. I couldn't explain it. Maybe because she was taking an interest in me, despite my intensely forthright rejections of her. She was interesting in that sense. And I had no qualms in telling her that. But there was something far more interesting about her, something I couldn't quite put my finger on. I think that's the part that bothered me though.
She was wrong when saying that I was 'too proud to admit' I enjoyed her company. I admit it. She was... 'fun.' And I haven't been around anyone 'fun' in a long time. But what really bothered me though was that I was having a blast and not just enjoying her companionship. I mean, call it stupid or childish, but I really didn't want to have fun with her... because that would mean letting her in. Letting her in on my personal life and my psyche. I was callous and rude for a reason, to keep these kinds of people out. People who dive in, mess shit up and leave. I've dealt with that far too much in my life to have it sprung on me again. So by this time in a relationship with anyone else I would have either just not engaged them in conversation whatsoever or ignored them at all costs. So why was Rinoa different? It bothered me.
The rest of the walk back to Garden was left in silence. I could feel Rinoa at ease as she strode along side me, no longer torturing herself with what to talk about next. She now understood that silence can be golden, at least with me.
When we returned to the garage we explained the tire damage to the rental employees and they were pissed, asking just what we were doing off road on a scooter anyway. Yeah, good question. Why did she choose a scooter when she knew we were going off road? We just shrugged and Rinoa gave some mumbled, ridiculous answer that confused them enough to make them believe it a real answer. And we were on our merry way.
We walked together until the dorm halls forked into the men's and women's sides. We turned to each other, prepared to depart for the night.
As usual, she was the first to speak.
"Thank you for coming with me. I don't know what I would have done if I was by myself and that tire had blown." She smiled.
"You would have been fine," I insisted.
She gave me a curious look. "Your optimism is rare, so I'm going to take it seriously."
She loved pointing out the rare acts I had been engaging in recently.
"Well, then. If I don't see you tomorrow, I'll see you at detention on monday. Don't be late!" She said as she walked off.
I waved a goodbye and instantly became bitter over the idea of detention.
When I got back to my dorm I decided to take a shower to wipe all the grime of the ocean off of me. I stripped and quickly noticed the odd colored lines that had developed on my waist, right where my underwear's waist band had been. I touched my stomach gently and it stung slightly. The imprint that my finger had left turned white, then quickly evaporated back into its original color. Oh my God. I was sun burnt. I was incredibly sun burnt. I looked at my face... and it was beet red.
Fuck me.
I was completely sun burnt, save for the tiniest portion on my waist and legs. And the second I noticed the burn my whole body began to hurt. The idea of a cold shower sounded incredibly inviting.
Sunday came and went without much fanfare. I tried to stay in doors, avoiding the sun at all costs and people in general. I really didn't want to parade my new skin color around campus for all to see. I got unwanted attention enough as it was, any more would just be wasted.
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I sucked in a deep breath in a sad attempt to remain calm before entering a five hour torture session. I opened the door with a swing and Rinoa sat in a desk near the back of the room, already looking terribly bored. She took notice of me and waved with the pencil she was holding. She gave me a pathetic smile and sighed. I took a seat at a desk adjacent to her.
"Shitty," she commented as she looked around the bleak room. Well, it wasn't that bleak. It looked like every other room, but the silence and lack of others gave the room a dreary feeling.
I nodded in agreement. She looked at me and studied my face for a moment.
"Lobster," she noted, referring to my sun burnt face.
"Shut up," I mumbled, turning away from her, hoping to hide my ridiculousness from her.
"Me too. Look at my stomach." She lifted up her uniforms jacket and shirt to reveal bright red skin, a shade of red that couldn't even be found in a crayon box.
"Shitty," I said.
"It's going to get all peely and crap. So gross." She grimaced as she turned back to her desk.
The door suddenly swung open with a bang, startling us. Rinoa visibly jumped a few inches in her seat and I whipped my head around to see who had made the noise. A flustered looking instructor came stomping in. He threw some folders and binders on to his desk and paused a moment. He leaned against the desk with his head hung. He looked up at the two of us slowly and sighed wearily as he closed his eyes for a moment.
"Don't talk. Don't say anything. You're being punished." He sounded indifferent and completely uncaring about the whole situation, as if it was he who was the one being tortured. "... Look, I have shit to do today, okay? So I'm going to leave." Rinoa gave me a hopeful look, hoping that this meant we were off the hook. I knew better. "But that doesn't mean you can you just prance on out of here, got it?" He said as he pointed a reprimanding finger to the two of us. "I'm in the middle of a messy divorce and Cid dumped this shit on me and I was like, 'the fuck is this!?' Man... I got papers to grade, legal bullshit to sign. I don't have time to keep watch over you little hooligans." He ran a hand through his hair, exaggerating his exasperation making sure we understood how little he wanted to be here. He paused a moment and looked to the two of us. "What are you in here for anyway?"
"Being drunk on campus," Rinoa answered without the slightest hint of embarrassment.
"You're kidding." He laughed and picked all his papers up. "This is such a waste of my time. I'm fucking out of here. You kids keep up with your alcoholism. It's good for you. It'll come in handy when you're getting divorces," he mumbled angrily.
"So can we go?" Rinoa pleaded.
"No! Didn't you hear me?" He shot her a glare and she quickly recoiled from it. "You can't leave until 8... or however the hell long you're supposed to be in here for. And if I hear that you two pulled some kind of fucking escape act, I'll make sure you're expelled... or something." He continued to stare at us in the most antagonizing way possible until it bordered on ridiculous. He finally stormed out the door leaving us in a weird silence.
"God... What the fuck was that?" Rinoa asked, turning to me.
I shook my head, not knowing either.
"Psh, I'm leaving. Fuck this," Rinoa mumbled as she picked up her bags, ready to make her way towards the door. She took notice of me still seated. "C'mon." I didn't budge, just continued to stare after her. "You don't actually want to stay here for five hours."
"No. But I don't want or need to get in any more trouble," I responded.
"He's not actually going to suspend us or whatever he threatened. You know that's a lie."
"You can go, be my guest. I'm staying," I stated.
"You've got to be kidding." She dropped her bag to the floor and looked at me like I was being ridiculous.
"Go." I waved her off but she continued to stare at me, obviously not able to process what I was telling her.
"I can't go if you don't," she replied as she walked back to her seat with a huff as she dragged her feet.
"Why not? What does it matter?"
"I can't leave you in here alone for five hours! That's just cruel," she explained. I couldn't tell if she was patronizing me or not.
"I'm a big boy. I can handle it." I tossed her an aggravated look and switched on the computer screen in front of me, ready to begin five hours of zoning out.
"This is going to be so boring," she sighed as she switched her own monitor on.
"Then go," I repeated curtly.
She looked at me, a little piqued by the bluntness of the reply.
"No man left behind, soldier!" She exclaimed mockingly.
"I think I can handle this alone."
"Your courage is admirable, but unwise." She smiled at me and I continued my blank stare.
"For God sakes, just go!" I said, maybe a little louder than I had meant to. I gestured for the door.
"Woah there, eager-beaver." She put a hand to my face. I recoiled slightly from the childish motion and swatted her hand away from me. "I don't think you need to be getting mad at me. I was trying to offer you support here. I think 'thank you' is actually the term we might use in such a situation."
"Don't patronize me." I shook my head, irritated.
"What are you talking about? I'm not patronizing you," she defended. "I'm telling you that I'm going to spend five hours with you... by choice." She smiled at me. I didn't return the pleasantries. "Remember what I 'presumed' about you, yesterday?" I gave her a curious look. "You chose to hang out with me all those times, against what would seem like your better judgement so it's my turn now. So, against my better judgement, I'm going to sit here, in an unsupervised detention, for five hours."
"You don't owe me anything," I reminded.
"I know."
"If you know that, then why are you still here?" I asked.
"I know that it's dangerous for you to think positively, but have you considered that maybe I want to spend time with you?" She asked with a coy smile.
The thought had crossed my mind, but not seriously. I mean, I guess I never needed to think about it. I thought it was just sort of understood that she didn't want to. But in reality that makes zero sense. Why else would she have invited me to the beach? I felt stupid for not thinking that. But I began to feel even more stupid when I thought about how improbable the idea was that she actually wanted to be around me. Why did I think that was so far fetched? It... sort of upset me. Did I really think that low of myself? Kind of disgusting, really.
"Hello? Earth to Squall!" Rinoa called as she waved a hand in front of my face, breaking me from the day dream I didn't even realize I was experiencing.
"Sorry," I mumbled as I blinked away the thoughts.
"You do that a lot," she noted.
"Do what?"
"Crawl up in your head for extended periods."
I remained silent.
"I thought about that on the walk back from the beach the other night."
"How I crawl inside myself?" I asked with a roll of my eyes. I began to surf around on the computer listlessly, not really registering what was passing before my eyes.
"No, how you didn't even consider the idea that I wanted to be around you."
"How do you know that?" I challenged.
"I just do. I can read it all over your face." She encircled my face in the air with her index finger.
"What exactly tips you off? What on my face just screams 'I can't fathom the idea that someone wants to be around me,'" I asked, turning my attention to her.
"Okay, maybe it's not on your face... But it's in your aura." Aura? What the hell was she smoking?
"You do more than just drink, I assume," I joked stoically.
She replied with a dead stare and an equally lifeless laugh.
"Haha, you're so funny. But seriously, you never get that 'feeling?'" She asked.
"Well, I seriously have no idea what you're talking about. 'Aura,' 'feeling'... What the hell are you rambling about?"
"Intuition! It's intuition that tips me off," she said, as if that would clarify it all for me. It didn't.
"Your intuition is telling you that I didn't consider the idea of you wanting to be around me?" I asked incredulously.
"Pretty much," she responded. She continued to stare at me. "I'm right, aren't I?" She said it with such confidence that it caught me off guard. She was right. But I couldn't think of anything to fire back at her. My silence was the answer she wanted. "I am so right." This set me back into defensive mode.
"Afraid not."
"Just admit it."
"I won't admit it, because it's not true."
"Yes it is," she insisted.
"No."
"Yes!"
"No!"
"Ye-!" I cut her off.
"Why would it matter? What great impact would that information have on your life?" I yelled. It came off a little too defensive. It was completely obvious that I was trying to hide it. This was more embarrassing than just admitting it.
"I'd just get to know you a little more," she responded simply. "Which is something I've been trying to do for a while now. So..." She leaned towards me. "Do you want to meet me half way?"
"No," was my curt response.
"Not even a foot closer?" She prodded.
"Not even a centimeter."
"You're a challenge. And I always appreciate a good challenge." She smiled. She was acting like this was some sort of big joke to her. My persona and my life were not humorous in anyway. What did she see me as? Her doll? A doll she could pull apart just for shits and giggles? Rip off an arm and a leg just to see what it looks like, then toss it away. Fuck that. I'm not a doll and my life isn't some toy to be played with.
"Is that all I am?" I questioned, voicing my thoughts.
"... What is all you are?" She sounded generally confused, as if she had forgotten what she had just rambled on about.
"Some challenge to you? Some fun puzzle you can piece together?"
"No," she answered honestly. She looked bewildered, as if that thought was the furthest from her mind. I immediately felt guilty, but I couldn't help but still hold some grudge. "Why would you think that?"
Because I don't know want you to know me. But I couldn't say that... and yet I couldn't think of an answer that wouldn't allow her a peek inside my life. A life I had kept hidden from her, everyone, for a reason. I knew there was an excuse I could have made, but I just couldn't think of one. Just say something, Leonhart! Make up some excuse! It's easy enough. So... Why can't I?
"Squall, I'm trying to be your friend," she said with the most honesty I've ever seen from her. "Why would I want to get to know you if I didn't want to be friends with you." I was silent as I continued to just blankly stare at her. "Why are you being so difficult?" She asked, confused. "Didn't you just say yesterday you thought I was interesting? Are you tired of me already?"
I bit my bottom lip tenderly. I legitimately felt bad. While I wanted her to stay out of my personal business... I didn't want her to feel unwelcome. But why did it matter? If she's 'welcome' then that's just a doormat into my life. She should be unwelcome, she needed to be unwelcome. So then why didn't I want that? This was frustrating and confusing.
"I'm not... I'm not tired of you," I replied. She was giving me pathetic, puppy eyes.
"Well then what is it? The further I reach out, the more you run. Why?" She asked. I could tell she had thought extensively about this.
"I still think you're... 'interesting.' It's just that I'm a closed off kind of person." She looked like she understood.
"Oh," she began. "I'm sorry." She smiled for a moment and giggled. "I can't believe that didn't even register. I even figured that out the other night, too!" She laughed at that. Her smile widened as the facts began to settle in. "I guess I've never been friends with someone who was sealed up tight. The kind of people I think I attract are open socialites." She smiled at me. "So isn't it wonderful that we met?" She laughed as she put her hand on my shoulder and shook me roughly. I pulled my shoulder away from her grip.
"Maybe in time you'll open up?" She asked carefully.
"Doubt it," I answered quickly as I turned back to my computer.
"I don't."
"Why? Is my aura speaking to you again?" I mocked.
"It's intuition, actually," she said completely serious. I rolled my eyes.
There was a bit of comfortable silence that followed the conversation. We had both turned to the computers before us and had begun to waste time.
"You know," she began, her attention still on the computer before her. I gave a grunt, signaling my attention. "You may not want to tell me about yourself, which I completely respect, but would you want to know about me?" She asked with a half smile as she turned towards me.
"Wouldn't make a difference really," I responded, my eyes still locked on my computer as I continued to play a game of solitaire that was kicking my ass.
"What is it with you and having to justify everything that we talk about? Must everything lead to a greater good? Can we not just talk?"
"Fine," I said, clicking the game closed. I turned my full attention to her. "Let's talk."
"Oh goody," she said with a smile, pulling her full attention towards me so that our bodies were now facing each other. "What about?" She asked excitedly.
"Like you said, I don't do talk that's not purposeful. I have no idea where to begin." I said it only half jokingly.
"You're like some caveman brought here through a time machine. 'Dur, Crog no understand shiny rock!'" She began to mash the computer's keyboard. "'How make pictures move on stone? Crog confused! Crog angry! Crog smash!'"
"Okay, I get it. I'm a backasswards, social retard."
"And that's okay," she smiled playfully and I glared back.
"Can we please get onto this whole conversation business instead of insulting me?"
"Fine, fine," she said as she leaned back in her chair. "Where to start..." she began, mostly to herself. "How about... You ask where I'm from."
"You're from Deling. I already know that."
"You remembered! That was a quiz. You passed." I rolled my eyes. Would the joking never end?
"Okay, here's a good one," she said excitedly as she leaned back towards me. "How about you ask me why I came to Garden."
"Why did you come to Garden?" I asked without the slightest hint of interest and just simply regurgitating her example question. This felt stupid and childish. There was no way I could take this seriously.
"C'mon, at least pretend you care."
"Gee wilakers, Rinoa! Why did you ever come to Garden in the first place?" I asked with enough faux-gumption to make a clown vomit.
She laughed out loud, but took it seriously anyway.
"Well," she began, "My parents sent me here."
A moment of silence.
"Is this the part where I ask 'why?'" I asked.
"Sure, if you want," she said, knowing I would.
"Why did your parents send you here?" I asked.
"They thought I needed a change of pace."
"Was your life too hectic, or something?" I asked.
"Very good," she said complementing my questioning with a coy smile. I rolled my eyes. "My life wasn't hectic I just started..." she paused momentarily and she contemplated her next words carefully. "I just started getting bored," she finished.
"What do you mean, 'bored?'" I questioned.
"Life got tedious, people became dull... Things just got stale," she answered as she began to play with the end of her skirt.
"How so?" I asked. I could tell I was being drawn in to her. I could feel myself being pulled in like a good book or a great movie can do. She really was interesting. More interesting than she was yesterday or even a few minutes ago. Maybe it was the way she said things, or what she had to say... I couldn't really put my finger on it. But I denied it. I denied it all. This questioning was just to humor her. I didn't care.
"I can't really explain it. I just got so tired of life. I could hardly fathom being there any longer... I became despondent and indifferent about everything and everyone." She paused and there was a silence that hung between us. I wanted to push her on the subject, but... she didn't seem like she wanted to be pushed. I could respect that.
But my assumption was wrong and she continued on.
"My parents could tell I was getting tired. My grades were slipping and, since I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, it was more than a little obvious I was getting depressed." Why was she telling me all of this? Why was she revealing so much. She had no shame in telling me everything. Anything I wanted to know she would say without reservation. I was... impressed.
"So they made you move here?" I asked.
"Pretty much," she said with a nod. "But I'm glad they did. I don't even want to think about what I would have become if I had remained in Deling."
"So it all changed when you got here?" I asked.
"Yep." She smiled. "I mean, I came in with a good attitude, and I think that was a huge part of why it all changed... but this place has been great so far."
"Do you ever..." I paused momentarily, afraid I was about to cross a line that shouldn't be toyed with. "... miss Deling?"
"Of course. How could I not? It was my home for 16 years of my life," she replied unabashedly. "And it's not like I had always hated it. I enjoyed it for a good portion of my life."
There was a pause and she looked up to me, smiling playfully.
"Wasn't that easy?" She asked. She was referring to my trial run in 'polite conversation.'
I just rolled my eyes, not wanting to play into the role of student to her 'teachings.'
"I'm not done," I said.
"Then fire away." She straightened her back, ready for the next question.
"When do you think you'll get bored here?" I asked. She looked slightly offended by the question, as if I had asked it with a nastier purpose.
"Well, I hope I don't get bored here." She smiled awkwardly, wanting to disregard the question. "I don't know where I'd go next if I got bored here," she said. "Do you ever get bored here? You've been here longer than me, you must know more about it than I do."
"I thought this questioning session was about you," I reminded.
"I can only talk about myself for so long, Squall," she said as she stood and moved towards the windows behind us. "My attention span is very limited," she explained.
"Well, I'm still not done asking questions."
"Fine, fine. But," she exclaimed, raising a finger to me. "I get to ask you just as many questions when it's all over, okay?"
"No deal."
"Then just four," she offered.
"One."
"Two."
"Fine," I conceded.
"Sweet." She smiled and turned her attention outside. "Okay, continue the interrogation."
"It's not an interrogation. Didn't you call this a conversation?"
"Trust me, this is not a conversation. More like a survey," she said. "Conversations generally involve two or more people interacting, bouncing ideas off each other and what not. Which means you have to do more than just ask questions."
"Do you really want to be a SeeD?" I asked, ignoring her conversation comment entirely. She smiled, seeing right through my diversion tactic, but she didn't press it any further.
"No. But, once I'm done with the core curriculum here I'm pretty much guaranteed into any university I want."
"You want to go to college?" I asked, a little perplexed. I had never heard of a Garden student not wanting to become a SeeD.
"Well, yeah. I'm not a big fan of violence, you see," she replied.
"Then why are you here?" I asked. There was an irritated edge to my voice.
"Did I not just tell you? My parents sent me here," she repeated.
"Why here? There are tons of boarding schools that don't involve killing and maiming as part of their daily curriculum."
"Look, I don't know, okay?" She responded with a dismissive wave of her hand. She turned her back to me to peer out the window. "Ask my parents."
I paused a moment, realizing that this whole Garden questioning was getting nowhere and only making her irritated.
"What was your childhood like?" I asked, a little softer in my approach.
She turned to me curiously, surprised by the change in conversation.
"It was um," she thought for a moment as she tapped a finger to her chin. "It was good. I was in my head a lot of the time. I found my imagination and my dolls to be much cooler than the real world," she recalled. "I, um, used to be so boy obsessed." She chuckled a little, embarrassed slightly. "Well, not really 'boy' necessarily."
"What does that mean?" Was she interested in transvestites or something?
"Well, it's actually really stupid and totally childish, but I used to be obsessed with the idea of Knights and Princesses n'stuff. You know how some girls talk about their dream husbands or whatever, well, I talked about my dream Knight." She looked at me, wanting to judge my reaction. But I had none because I had no idea what she was talking about.
"What do you mean 'knight?'" I asked.
"You know, a knight saves the princess from a tower or whatever. Shit like that," she said.
"Doesn't the prince usually do that?" I questioned, wondering if she had gotten her nouns mixed up.
"No," she replied hastily, almost as if she were reprimanding me. "I hated the prince. Absolutely loathed him. I couldn't watch any movie or read any book that had the prince marrying the maiden."
"What's wrong with the prince, exactly?"
"Royalty is conceded, spoiled. There's nothing sexy about that. Knights have earned their hotness, you know?" I had no idea. "They were tough and battle hardened, in need of a girl's touch to soothe their wounds, n' such," she explained. She looked to me and noticed my confused expression. "You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?" She asked with a bemused smile.
"I never read fairy tales," I responded.
"Plus you're not gay," she added. Then she turned to me quizzically. "You're not are you? Or is my gay-dar totally out of whack?"
"I'm not gay," I said with a roll of my eyes.
"And all of the gay men in the world just died a little inside," she said with a smile as she crossed her arms.
"What does that mean?"
"It means you're a total babe, duh!" She exclaimed, teasing me.
"Whatever," was all I could mumble.
"But um," she began, pulling us back to a more pertinent dialogue. "I was obsessed with that knight shit for so long. Sort of sad really. I compared every man I ever met to this idealized vision." She shook her head a little sadly, remembering all the wasted time.
"So you never had a boyfriend, did you?" I asked.
"Oh no, I did," she said. "I had a few. And it's not that any of them lived up to this idea. I just kind of settled instead."
"You don't have that standard now, do you?" I asked, finding such an idea absolutely ridiculous.
"No. Oh God no. I gave that up a long time ago. I haven't thought about it in years actually," she noted. She stopped and then turned to me and smiled.
"What?" I asked, confused on why she was just staring at me.
"You've asked some good questions, Squall. You'd be a good reporter," she said. "But it's my turn now."
"I'm not done yet."
"Well, I am. And not a lot is going to happen if the interviewee isn't going to give you answers to your questions, now is it?" She asked as she took her seat again.
"So, my first question," she began, holding an imaginary microphone under her mouth. "Why did you join Garden?" She moved her hand clasping the invisible microphone to me.
"I had no other choice," I responded simply.
"What do you mean, 'no other choice?'" She asked, bringing the microphone back to her.
"Are you sure that you want that to be your second question?" I asked.
"You little cheating bastard," she mumbled as she squinted her eyes angrily.
"I'm just being fair."
"Fine, fine." She thought for a moment, then looked to me with a very serious expression. Her hand that was pretending to hold the microphone undid itself and she placed it against her lap. She leaned into me gently.
"Be honest, okay?" She said. I paused a moment, then nodded, worried what she might ask next.
"I didn't see you for three months. Why?" She was dead serious. And she wanted answers. Her intensity actually caught me off guard. I thought she was going to ask who I had a crush on or something like that. I wasn't expecting something this severe.
"I..." I began, unsure on how to tell her. There was no easy way to tell her that I hadn't wanted to see her. She wouldn't understand and she'd get offended. I had to lie. "I just got busy and stopped going to the secret area," I responded.
"You're lying," she quickly snapped. "Tell me why. I was honest with you. And now it's your turn. You owe me that much."
I continued to just stare at her, contemplating an answer that seemed more plausible and believable. Anything but the truth.
"Just tell me why. Be honest."
"I..." I began once more. I paused again and she sighed in frustration.
"Whatever you say isn't going to make me jump off a bridge, okay? So just tell me." I just needed to say it. Just blurt it out. Stop trying to find a way out of a window and just use the front door. Just take the obvious road, for once.
"I was avoiding you," I answered. I immediately regretted the truth once it had escaped my lips. I wanted to take it back when I saw the expression on her face. She looked hurt and a little upset.
"I'm not surprised, actually," she said with a nod as the unhappy look began to fade almost instantly. "That's who you are." She smiled at me. It wasn't a smile to mask something else, it was just a smile. Just a pleasant, friendly smile. Maybe she did understand. Maybe she did get where I was coming from.
"But look where we are now!" She exclaimed with an even wider smile. "Hanging out, talking, bordering dangerously on the line of 'friends.' And to think, it all changed in just a few days."
It really had changed. It had changed a lot in such a short time. What was it about Rinoa that made me not want to run away? What was so special about her that made me stay?
"Are you happy that it's changed?" She asked, excited for my answer.
"That's a third question... I only gave you two," I reminded.
"You mother fucker," she cursed with a shake of her head.
"Are you happy that things have changed?" I asked.
"Bitch, please. If you won't answer, what makes you think I will?" She asked, leaning back into her chair as she crossed her arms defensively.
"Fine. I guess we'll never know then," I said, secretly challenging her.
"Guess so," she replied.
Silence filled the void where our dialogue once was. It wasn't an awkward or uncomfortable silence. It was just pleasant. We had turned back to our computers and I continued my solitaire game for what felt like hours.
After a great while Rinoa started getting visibly antsy. She huffed, sighed and yawned every thirty seconds and her foot tapping became irritating. She clicked some things off on her monitor and sighed, placing her chin into her hand. She turned to me, hoping that I was just as antsy as her. I paused for a moment then finally gave her my attention and glanced at her out of the corner of my eye.
"What?" I asked, ready for another conversation.
"I have a deal for you," Rinoa began.
"Hm?" I mumbled, still focused entirely on the game before me.
"You ask me something, then I ask you something. We'll take turns until one of us wants to stop. And, you don't have to answer the question if you don't want to. This is a completely optional Q and A session, okay?" She said, turning her head towards me.
"More questions?"
"Yes. So... Is it a deal?" She asked.
I paused for a moment, then turned to her.
"No," I said as forthrightly as possible.
"What?" She seemed genuinely taken aback by my response. "C'mon, please?"
"No. No more questions."
"But I'm bored," she whined with a huff as she sat back into her chair.
"Why do you need to always ask me questions?" I asked.
"'Cause you won't talk to me unless I either confuse you, insult you or make you play a game," she replied.
"What do you mean, 'confuse me?'" I asked, baffled by her choice in words.
"Whenever I make you do something you don't wanna do, you get all confused up in the head then you start bitching... which leads to talking," she said with a thoughtful nod.
"We've only 'hung out' a handful of times. You're being presumptuous again," I reminded.
"You're right, you're right. I don't want a repeat of Saturday night's conversation," she said. "But I'm right, and you know it." She said it under her breath so I pretended to just ignore it. I didn't want to get in another long winded conversation about it.
"So," she began after a momentary pause. There could never be a moment of silence with her, could there? "I'm going to test out some weapons today and see which one I feel comfortable with." She looked at me expectantly, as if I was already scripted to reply.
"... And?" I offered, curious as to why she looked so anticipative.
"And," she began with an intense amount of emphasis. "I was wondering which weapon you think I should try today."
"I don't know, um, pinwheel?" I suggested nonchalantly, not really investing myself in her issue.
"Really?" She asked, seeing right through my flippancy.
"Sure," I shrugged. "It's easy to use."
"Oh, that's right... you mentioned that the other day," she noted. "How quickly we forget."
"Apparently," I mumbled as I turned back to my computer.
-
--
--
--
--
I felt like I was pushing him further away from me. Maybe I was just being paranoid. Hopefully. But I couldn't shake the feeling like the closer I tried to step in, the further he pulled away. It was a little disheartening. But not enough to make me give up. Squall was a project now. A project I had to see to the end. Well, okay, he was more than project. He wasn't some lab rat. He was my friend, or what I thought of as a friend. Who knows what he thought about our situation. Whatever. Who cares? Oh, that was a Squall thought, wasn't it? Just blowing something off as unimportant. But... maybe that isn't like Squall at all. I barely knew him! What if he was actually this super open and friendly guy? No, he wasn't. ... Right? Of course he's not! Oh my God... this was making my head hurt.
I think I had been hanging around Squall a little too much. I began to invert in on myself and begin to pick every thought, every word apart until it was unrecognizable. I could only imagine that this is what Squall's brain was like. A trash heap of puzzle pieces that no longer even resembled their original picture.
The rest of the detention passed along in a comfortable silence as we both got sucked into our respective computer worlds.
We said our goodbyes... Well, I said goodbye and he just sort of nodded and waved. In any case, I began to critically analyze everything that had just transpired. I took every word into account and tried to make sense of it all. Does he enjoy my company? Yes, he must. But wait, no... I don't know. Who cares? I care! But I shouldn't. Too bad I do. Why do I care? This is stupid. It's not worth caring about.
My brain was on overdrive and I began to feel burnt out. I needed to have a normal conversation with somebody. Selphie!
I arrived at her dorm revealing her in her pajamas, eating cereal with the TV blaring in the background.
"How was prison?" She asked as she leaned against the doorframe.
"Meh... Well, I don't know. I don't want to think about it. I just need to say things right now." I tried to explain what needed to be done, but she had no idea what I had just said.
"Huh? Did you drop the soap a few too many times? Are you still trying to heal from this new experience?"
"Shut up," I said with a shake of my head. She moved aside and let me into her room. "I just need to talk with someone normal. Someone who actually likes interacting with other human beings."
"Squall too much to handle?" She asked.
"He gives me a headache every fucking time I'm around him!" I complained as I threw myself on her bed.
"I thought you said you were looking forward to detention," she reminded.
"Well, I was," I said looking up to her. "But he's just as stubborn and ridiculous as ever." I thought for a moment. "Well, he did kind of open up a little," I conceded, more to myself than to Selphie.
"What did you think was going to happen?" She asked curiously, setting her cereal down. She took a seat on the floor across from me.
I thought for a moment. Good question. What were my expectations exactly?
"Um, I don't know. Something, I guess. Anything."
"This is, what, the fifth time you've been around him?" She asked. I nodded. "I hope you weren't expecting him to spill his heart and soul out to you. Because, as far as my understanding of Squall goes... he's not going to do that. At least not any time soon."
"I know, I just..." I began, but my words mumbled off into oblivion.
"I think you have unrealistic expectations for Squall." Selphie had summed it all up nicely and delivered it to me in pretty packaging. I was hoping for too much. Squall wasn't going to be my friend and I don't think he wanted to be. I had to accept that. The sooner I could accept that, the sooner I could properly communicate. He'd never be normal, I knew, but I couldn't get around that fact. I thought he just had to become like Selphie or Zell in order for us to communicate. No. Not the case.
I had to stop running after him with some kind of goal in mind. I needed to go with the flow. And that was that. Sure, I'd chase after him, but I wouldn't force a door that did't want to open. Maybe that's what needed to happen. It was a just a hypotheses, but it might work.
As much as this new shape on things made me want to run after Squall and try it out, I refrained. I had to occupy myself somewhere else and do something productive for a change. I decided to test out weapons. I checked out a pinwheel from the training center kiosk and decided to take my practice onto the plains. Sure, it was dark but I wanted to avoid the training center, afraid I might see Squall heading for the secret area which would make me get strangely obsessive all over again.
It was much darker on the plains than I had anticipated. I had to leave the lights of the main road in order to encounter any meager bugs that might be prowling around about this time. I wandered aimlessly away from the lights, the darkness becoming more prevalent with every step I took. Darkness was always on the top of my fears list and the fact that I had a weapon in my hand didn't give me the sense of protection I was hoping for. My fear began to creep up my body the further I moved away from civilization. I was getting goosebumps, but I couldn't tell if it was actually cold or just my fear seizing me.
I took a deep breath, trying to settle my nerves. That didn't work. Another inhale and one more exhale. That wasn't calming at all. I just decided to hide this nervous and scared feeling beneath my focus and deal with trying to get a grasp on this weapon.
I aimed my pinwheel at a nearby rock.
"Pull this cord..." I mumbled to myself, repeating the instructions the vendor told me when I had rented the weapon.
I ripped the cord hard and the pinwheel shot at the rock with more speed than I was prepared for. It hit the top of the rock and sparks shot briefly in the darkness. The pinwheel came flying back and I instinctively ducked my head, my arm still held out, waiting for its return. I gritted my teeth, afraid it might smack my head but it landed right back in its place. I stumbled back a bit from the sudden landing the pinwheel had taken. I looked down to my arm and saw it resting right where it had originally launched. I smiled at my success.
I continued to shoot it all around me, practicing the aiming and return techniques. This was definitely the weapon for me. It was easy to use and easy to master. Easy was good, I liked easy.
I moved further out into the plains, looking for bite bugs that had been strangely absent from my previous locations. I made my way closer to the woods to the west of Garden, knowing that there would be creatures there for sure. I came upon the forest but it was just as silent as the plains had been. I decided not to venture into the wood though. The darkness within it was foreboding and more than a little creepy. I had completely forgotten that it was night when I was practicing. I was just so entrenched in working with the weapon, I had forgotten my fear. But the sight of the forest struck that same chord of fear once again. But these woods looked so much scarier than just plain old darkness. It was like the evil woods you imagined in fairy tales, where horrific faces decorated trees that had claws for branches. A shiver suddenly caught me as I continued to look into the black hole that was the forest. I shook my fear off and aimed my pinwheel at a nearby tree, continuing to practice my aim.
I shot and an incredibly loud smack resounded through the forest, causing birds that were once settled to suddenly disperse in fright. My pinwheel had not sliced around the edge of the tree like I had intended but instead just jammed itself into the tree completely. It definitely wasn't going to return this time. I had to go and rip it out myself.
"Fuck," I cursed under my breath. The tree was a good distance away and just inside the blackness of the woods. I hesitated. Do I go and rip it back from the tree or should I just accept the loss of a weapon that's not mine. But I'd have to pay a hefty fee if it was lost. I wrestled with my fear and practicality for a while until I finally resolved to just tear it from the tree. I took a deep, calming breath and approached the wood hesitantly. The closer I moved to it, the slower my pace became and the more paranoid I grew as double takes behind me became triple takes behind me. I reached the pinwheel and took one last look around me as I grabbed for the wheel. I tried to pull it from the tree but it wasn't budging. It was really stuck.
"Fuuuck," I whined quietly as I began to yank harder and harder. It wasn't budging. "You son of a bitch, come the fuck out," I snarled. The more I pulled the looser I could feel it becoming and a light of hope lit up within me. I began to tug even harder than I was before, expending all my energy into getting the little bastard out. I could feel myself begin to smile as I saw it begin to wiggle from its new found home.
And then,
a snarl.
I immediately froze and my face drained of color. I stopped breathing momentarily and began to tremble uncontrollably. Oh my God. Where did that come from? Was that a monster? Was it just me breathing hard?
I heard another rustle of leaves and a crunch of dirt from the forest and I began to hyperventilate. I felt like crying, screaming, anything. I was scared shitless. I wanted to run away but I knew that if it was a truly dangerous creature it would chase after me. I needed my weapon. I began to yank and tug on the pinwheel with all my energy.
"C'mon, c'mon," I begged the weapon. It finally ripped from the tree and I was sent onto my back. I scrambled to my feet and locked the pinwheel in place, ready to take aim and kick the shit out of whatever wanted to destroy me. I looked into the forest to find red eyes peering out at me. I gasped, coming to the realization that this was definitely a monster and not just some caterchippilar or bitebug.
Another snarl. Oh my God. This thing wanted to tear me up and eat my intestines. I aimed carelessly, my terror causing my arm to sway and tremble. I began to back away slowly, hoping that it would just let me go. No such luck. The further I retreated, the more it pursued me. I saw its body exit the blackness of the forest and enter the pale moonlight, lurching slowly after me.
There was no way I was going to be able to fight this monster off. I had no GF junctioned which meant no magic either. All I had was this weapon I had used, what, ten times in the passed hour? Fuck. I was fucked.
I continued to manuever backwards and away from the creature, hoping to someday encounter the lights of the main road, effectively scaring the creature away. I had no idea how far away that was though. It could have been miles for all I knew, or maybe I wasn't even walking in the right direction. I couldn't think of anything better to do though than to just panic, aim, and slowly stumble backwards.
But the creature wasn't having any of this slow moving ridiculousness any longer. It lunged at me with a terrible roar. I instinctively screamed and fired the pinwheel. It grazed his head slightly. It wasn't even enough of a hit to draw any sort of blood even. Instead of being angered the monster seemed to look confused as to what had just happened. Had a small bird accidently nudged him? Or possibly a leaf had fallen on him. It shook its head then refocused itself upon me. The pinwheel returned and I fired again, hoping this time it would be a more direct shot. It slashed his ear, this time drawing blood. But instead of actually injuring it, my attack just pissed it off. It began to charge me once again.
"Oh fuck!" I screamed. I tried to turn around but my feet became tangled in the confusion and I fell face first into the dirt. I whipped my head around to find the monster closing in. My life flashed before my eyes. My mom, dad, house, Garden, friends and enemies all blew through my mind in a brief instance. This was the end. What a shitty way to die.
A twang of metal crashed above me and then a rumble of a gun resounded. I saw a flash of silver light dance before my eyes and a vision of white rush to the monster. Screams of a monster echoed in my now empty and drained mind. My vision was blurry and the world was spinning. I tried to sit up to see what was going on but the further I raised my body, the more I desperately needed to lie down. So I did, I fell back onto my back and I passed out.
--
--
"... umb of her!" A high voice cried. My head rang with the echo of the sound. I opened my eyes, revealing a blurry kaleidoscope of curtains and ceiling. Images shuffled about, trying to place themselves properly. I sat up, propping an arm beneath me, trying to get a glimpse of surroundings that might be stable. My movement proved premature though. The world became twice the dizzier and I began to feel faint.
Blurry figures rushed to my side and propped me back into a lying position.
"Don't get up you idiot," that same high voice cried to me. It was Selphie. She was leaning over me, I could tell that much. Another face appeared above me. It looked so familiar.
"When you fainted, you hit your head pretty hard," the strong voice cooed to me. Who's voice was that? It was so familiar.
"I... did?" I mumbled incoherently.
"Just rest," Selphie suggested tenderly as she rested a hand upon my forehead. I mumbled my agreement with the idea and rolled my head to the side.
"Seifer, thank you so much," Selphie said above me. Seifer! That's who it was! Wait... Seifer? THE Seifer? To be honest, he was the last person I wanted to save me, but I really couldn't complain.
"I'm just lucky I got there on time." Oh my God... I was almost killed. The revelation struck me like lightning. And... and he saved me. He saved me. I was going to die but he saved me! How dare I complain! He fucking SAVED me from certain death!
"I can't believe," I began, almost speechless as I was still reeling from that sudden realization. "I can't believe you came to my rescue."
"Well, I just saw you out there trying to get your weapon out of the tree. I was about to come and help when that monster came out of nowhere." He bent down closer to me. "You're really lucky, you know," he said smoothly and calmly. I blushed and I didn't even know why. His eyes were beautifully piercing, like the hook on a fishing lure dangling before me, taunting me. I stared into them for what felt like only a brief second but what for must have actually been several minutes. Selphie coughed quietly, startling me from my concentration.
"Thank you. Thank you so much," I snapped quickly as I turned away from him. He smirked at my obviously awkward ways.
"Don't even mention it."
I heard the swish of the door and in stepped Kadowaki, looking terribly concerned.
"Oh good." She heaved a sigh of relief. "You're up. You're very lucky Seifer came and saved you. You would have been supper for that creature I hope you know," she said, acting like a worried grandmother.
"I know. You wouldn't have an assistant anymore," I noted.
"Yes. You're the only help I've ever gotten in the past three years. Although I'm sure it would be easy enough to find another assistant..."
"See? Look how disposable you are, Rinny!" Selphie joked as she shook my knee playfully.
"Shut up," I mumbled as I swatted her hand away lazily. Seifer chuckled.
I took notice of the tired look in all of their eyes and couldn't help but feel guilty.
"What time is it?" I asked.
"5 A.M.," Selphie replied.
"Oh shit," I mumbled. "I must have been out for a while."
"Yeah. I was worried you had a concussion," Seifer replied.
"Seifer stayed with you the whole night," Kadowaki said as an aside as she dug through some nearby cabinets.
The whole night? Seriously? I couldn't help but smile and I'm sure my cheeks flared red a little.
"Really?" I asked, not knowing what else to say. He nodded and smiled a dashing smile that made me melt like some pre-teen seeing her favorite boy band in concert.
I felt a secret nudge from Selphie against my shoulder, hinting at what I was already thinking.
"Well," Selphie began looking between me and Seifer, "I'm exhausted. Bed time for me." That was abrupt and completely insincere. It was more than a little obvious she just wanted to grant me and Seifer some 'alone time.'
I waved Selphie goodbye and she did the same. When Seifer was turned away from her she began making frantic gestures pointing to Seifer then to me with fingers locking with other fingers in some kind of completely retarded form of sign language. I could only stare back bewildered. Seifer caught sight of my staring and followed my eye line to see Selphie acting like an idiot. She quickly halted her bastardized finger spellings and moved out of the infirmary as if nothing had happened.
"Sorry," I said with a small smile, "Selphie's pretty weird sometimes... a lot... all the time. She's just weird all the time." That statement meant to come out very casually and smoothly but it got jumbled in my embarrassment from the situation.
"I think she's funny, actually," he replied looking towards the direction she had just exited from.
"Yeah..."
A brief but poignant silence hung between us.
"Do you want me to take you back to your dorm?" He offered.
"Oh, it's all right, thank you. You've been more than helpful and have gone far beyond the call of duty. I think I can handle it from here," I said as I slowly lifted myself up.
He saw my unsteadiness and placed his palm beneath my back, helping me up. I blushed and tensed at the contact. His hand was so large and powerful. It felt like it was almost half the size of my back.
I pushed my legs over the side of the bed and stood. I took a breath, realizing how much better I felt just standing up.
"You sure you don't need help back to your room?" He asked again.
"Oh no, really. I'm fine," I responded.
"Walk her to her dorm, Seifer," Kadowaki commanded from the next room over. "What if she faints in the halls? No one will be there to notice you, dear," she reminded me thoughtfully. Was she trying to match us up, too? Kadowaki would never say a thing like that. She would make any patient in a case like mine stay here until at least a decent hour.
"See? Even she agrees. Two against one," Seifer said with a coy smile.
I sighed and rolled my eyes, making sure he would take notice.
"Fine," I conceded. "But don't try and do anything shady or I'll kill you," I threatened.
"Just like that tree out there? Yeah man, that thing was just charging you. Thank god you shot your pinwheel straight into its trunk. That just stopped it dead in its tracks."
"That wound, Seifer, is still very fresh and that comment stung," I said.
"Sorry, sorry. But it really was a great offensive move against that nefarious tree."
"I almost died and all you can do is joke?" I questioned, placing my hands to my hips.
"You're not the only life that was threatened out there," he reminded. "Don't forget that I was the one who actually fought that monster."
"Yes, and thank you for doing so. Because I'm just a little girl and I'm just oh so weak and fragile and I need a big strong man to take care of me, right?" I teased as I swooned melodramatically.
"Apparently. You couldn't even pull this out of a tree," he mocked as he picked up my pinwheel from the night stand near the bed. He extended it out to me and I snatched it from him.
"Can we just go," I said as I turned away from him with a huff. He chuckled.
"Yeah," he said and we left.