FOR I HAVE SINNED - CHAPTER 2
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," Blaine said. His hands were clasped together as he nervously rocked back and forth.
"How long has it been since your last confession?" The priest asked. Blaine sighed. "A month, Father."
"Well then, confess to me and let yourself be forgiven."
Blaine knew what he wanted to say. He knew what he needed to say. It had been building up for the past two days, sitting inside his stomach, weighing him down. But the problem was, he didn't even know what happened. He wasn't sure how he got into this. Honestly, he was still trying to figure it out himself.
It had all started because Kurt showed up in history the next day looking like a broken angel. When he caught Blaine's eye at one point, he quickly looked away. Blaine sat there for the entire hour, feeling more and more like a jerk.
Why had he snapped? What made him so angry? He had no right to get angry like that. It wasn't Kurt's fault that Blaine might…well, it wasn't his fault. After the bell rang, Blaine hurried to catch up with a quick-moving Kurt.
Somehow they ended up in Blaine's car a few days later. It had something to do with the fact that it was raining and Kurt's dad was running late. Blaine had stayed for soccer practice, and Kurt had been in the library. No one was in the parking lot except the two of them.
Outside the car, the rain was coming down hard. It was dark, but the streetlights illuminated their faces, casting weird yellow-orange glows to their cheeks. The rain made a nice sound as it bounced off the cement and slapped against the windows. Blaine had the heater turned up, trying to dry off and warm up. Kurt was shivering slightly.
They made small talk about the weather, the basketball season, how Kurt was liking Dalton. Eventually, they ran out of things to say and lapsed into silence. Kurt eventually looked over at Blaine.
"Thank you," he said quietly. "For…you know, being nice to me and everything. I don't really have many friends yet, but you've been really sweet to me. So, thank you."
Blaine could feel his face flushing.
"It's nothing. Anyways, you're fun to talk to."
Kurt gave a small smile, and then all of a sudden Blaine couldn't help himself. He couldn't just sit there any longer. It was slow and quick at the same time. Everything went kind of fuzzy. He leaned over, and like two magnets being sucked together, Kurt began to do the same.
The only sound was their heartbeats, beating fast against their chests. Blaine's lips touched Kurt's and he didn't recall a time where he'd felt so whole. It wasn't more than a peck on the lips, but it was enough for Blaine's heart to stop.
After less than a second, he slammed his hands against Kurt's chest. Kurt let out a gasp, of surprise, of hurt, of some combination of the two. Blaine refused to look at Kurt. Suddenly he felt sick, disgusted with himself. He wiped his mouth on the back of his hands, trying to get rid of the feeling of Kurt's lips.
"No," he moaned. "Please, no." He could feel himself starting to panic. It was building up, becoming stronger. It was like acid burning his skin. He felt like he was going to break. Any second now.
Kurt just sat there, dazed. He watched as Blaine began to hyperventilate, slowly becoming worried.
"Blaine…Blaine, I'm sorry. It's okay. Just calm down. I'm sorry," he reached out, trying to get Blaine's attention. "Please, just calm down."
Blaine stared at his hands, shaking his head back and forth.
"No, no…" he moaned. "I…I don't…I can't…"
"Blaine, just take a deep breath. It's going to be okay," Kurt stroked Blaine's back, trying to calm him down. Blaine leaned forward, resting his head on the steering wheel. He hated himself for this. He hated himself for enjoying kissing a boy. He hated himself for thinking Kurt was cute, and for loving the feeling of him touching his back.
They sat there for nearly half an hour, Kurt rubbing circles on Blaine's back, trying to calm him down.
"I'm sorry…I'm so sorry," he whispered.
They didn't speak for a week. They avoided each other in the hallways, and refused to look at each other in class. For Blaine, this was all a horrible nightmare. It was wrong, was what it was. To his church, to his family, to him. It was all so wrong.
He tried to push any thoughts he had of Kurt as far away as possible. He tried not to think about how good Kurt looked in light blue, how it brought out the color of his eyes. He tried not to think about the way Kurt bit his lower lip when he was thinking. He tried not to think about how adorably classic Kurt looked walking out of school, clutching his books in one hand, holding a coffee in the other.
Each night, Blaine retrieved his bible from his night stand. He flipped to Leviticus and reread the passage over and over.
"If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; let them be put to death."
He read the passage out loud, his voice barely a whisper. He read it again, and again, and again. Then, he'd fall to his knees rest his head on the tips of his clasped hands.
"Forgive me, Father. Forgive me, please."
Something happened a week later. The day was gloomy, and the bell had rung, signaling the end of school. Blaine grabbed his stuff and was heading out when he saw Kurt standing by his car.
Blaine's stomach did a flip-flop, and he momentarily contemplated just going to the library. Instead, he took a deep breath and marched over to his car. Kurt saw him walked slowly up to meet him.
"Blaine," Kurt said softly. "I…I just thought maybe we should talk?"
Blaine opened his mouth to say no, to say it had been a mistake, and that he just wanted Kurt to leave him alone. But there was something that needed to be said, questions that needed to be asked.
"Want to go for a drive?" He asked, finally looking up at Kurt.
They drove down back roads, places where cars never came. Blaine pulled over and stopped the car. He had things he wanted to say, things that had been building up for a while now. But he was scared.
"I'm gay," Kurt broke the silence. "I'm not sure if you are, and really it's none of my business, but I just wanted to apologize for…for kissing you. And for putting you in an uncomfortable situation. I'm really, really sorry."
Blaine didn't say anything for a while. Finally, he raised his eyes so that he could look at Kurt.
"Do you believe in God?" He asked.
Kurt thought about this for a moment. "I…I believe that there are things greater than us, greater than people. But I'm not religious."
"But kissing you…kissing a boy, that was wrong." Blaine shook his head, frustrated. "I…I'm wrong, Kurt. There's something wrong with me."
"No there isn't," Kurt's voice was sharp. He paused for a moment, and when he spoke again, his voice was softer. "Blaine, there's nothing wrong with you."
"But…but I liked it. I liked kissing you."
This made Kurt smile, ever so slightly. "I liked it, too."
"What does that mean?" Blaine's face looked imploringly at Kurt. "If I like kissing you? Does that make me…" he couldn't say it.
Kurt rested his hand on Blaine's shoulder.
"I don't know, Blaine. It doesn't mean anything for sure. Would…would you want to talk to your parents about this?"
Blaine's head shot up and he shook it back and forth vigorously.
"No, Kurt, please don't tell anyone. Please. My…my parents…" he stopped for a moment, reached behind him and grabbed his backpack. He unzipped it, found the right page, and handed it over to Kurt.
He watched as Kurt read it in silence. When he finished, Kurt looked up at Blaine with a worried look on his face.
"Blaine…it's not, it's not wrong. It's not. What's so wrong with love? With loving someone, regardless of whether it's a man or a woman. It's still love, right?"
Blaine felt his eyes sting, and a second later, a teardrop landed on his jeans. "I don't know, anymore. I used to think it was wrong. My parents think it's wrong. But now…now I don't know."