Chapter 9: Super Nova
Seifer was adorable. He was everything I originally saw in him in the Infirmary that one day. I had completely forgotten about the issues that had bothered me about him. I realized I had blown that whole fight-thing with Squall way out of proportion. I realized I didn't know the circumstances surrounding it so I couldn't exactly point fingers as to who had the most blame, so I just dropped my animosity all together. I mean, it takes two start a fight now doesn't it? Right? Sure.
I mean, it was really no wonder why Seifer and him didn't get along. Seifer's personality was very strong after all, maybe even a little overbearing. He had such a presence that he could command whole rooms of people by just stepping through the door. And Squall... well, Squall was Squall. Uncaring and indifferent in that stubborn Squall way. He would never let Seifer's personality win him over and I bet Seifer took that as an affront to him. I wondered how long they had been friends... or were they enemies? Frienemies. They were probably frienemies. Girls have those sick sort of relationships all the time. I'm sure it must have translated over into the world of testosterone.
Even though I pondered quite a bit about Squall and Seifer, I never brought it up with Seifer. It was killing me on the inside though. I knew that on one drunken night it was just going to come up. And it was going to be sooner rather than later because Seifer and I had been hanging out a lot lately. Ever since he had walked me home we had almost been inseparable. Everyday we would meet up for lunch or go into town or just chat. Selphie got along great with him, probably because she thought I was trying to score with him, which was kinda true. Zell, on the other hand, abhorred the idea. Once he discovered our friendship he refused to talk to me until I stopped hanging out with Seifer, but he got bored and gave up after two days. But he still went to great pains to make sure that I knew he hated the idea of me being around Seifer.
"Why?" I finally asked him.
"He's an awful person," he exclaimed as if that was all the clarification that was needed.
"I'm a rational kind of person, Zell. I need precedence. Give me some evidence to support your claim," I said as we stopped in front of a hot dog vendor in town.
"I didn't think friends needed 'evidence.' I'm telling you he's bad news. Leave him alone," he instructed simply.
"I'm not gonna stop hanging out with him until you tell me why," I reminded. I was getting a little bit irritated. I was beginning to think he didn't even no why he hated Seifer.
He payed for his hot dog and gave a loud, irate sigh. He paused for a moment and thought it over.
"Never mind," he conceded and turned away from me.
"What? 'Never mind?'" I laughed. He couldn't be serious. "This is your chance to prove to me he's a giant piece of shit and you're throwing it away? Just tell me."
He paused, took a bite from his newly acquired hot dog and looked up at me. "Forget it."
I sighed and conceded. Whatever it was he had on his mind he wasn't going to tell me, no matter how hard I pushed.
But the conversation made me consider what could possibly be bad about Seifer. I mean, really, why didn't Zell like him? Zell was a good, upstanding person who liked pretty much everyone he met. Something had to be wrong with Seifer. Or maybe something was wrong with Zell? Maybe there were more Seifer haters like Zell around Garden. I had to do some investigation.
I poked and prodded the people in my classes for information about Seifer, but nobody seemed to know much. They knew he 'kicked Squall's ass' months ago and that he and Squall hated one another, but that was about it. I asked Kadowaki who seemed to know everyone and everything, but she too wasn't the least bit helpful.
"Why do you ask?" She gave me a sly look. I blushed a little which made her chuckle a little.
"I'm just curious. No one seems to know anything about him."
"Why do you need to ask others when you can ask him directly?" She obviously didn't understand what I was trying to learn about Seifer. I was trying to dig up dirt, not figure out where he was born.
"Um," I began and paused momentarily, searching for the right words to explain the situation. She caught on to my darker motives though.
"You're not looking for any basic kind of information, are you?"
"... No," I conceded, a little ashamed.
"I wouldn't go around digging if I were you," she warned. This piqued my interest. I leaned closer to her, expecting something like he had murdered someone or something juicy like that. "You can always find someone who has something bad to say if you look long and hard enough. But it doesn't matter what they think of him," she reminded.
Thanks for the lecture, mom. But it was unnecessary. I already knew that.
This quest for evidence of a bad reputation was looking like a wild goose chase. Everyone was practically worthless. The only people who seemed to even know Seifer even the tiniest bit were Zell and.... I didn't dare think his name. Even casually passing over the name seemed almost blashpemous concerning this topic. But I knew that he would be the only one with any real knowledge on Seifer. But I knew confronting him about this subject would burn the delicate bridge that had just recently been laid between us. I wouldn't fuck that up for the world.... but my curiosity about Seifer seemed almost worth it. I needed to ask Squall.
I waited for him at his new secret spot that he had showed me previously. I felt bad for taking advantage of his secret he had shared with me so that I could corner him, but I knew that was the only way I was going to catch him. I waited there from six to nine until I was about to give up and go home. But no sooner had I accepted the loss of three perfectly good hours when I heard the delicate sounds of crunching earth below me. I peered over the railing to find Squall making his way up the side of the building. I stood back and waited for him to reach the balcony. He gracefully made it up the wall and over the rail and dusted himself off.
"Hey," I said casually. He yelled in surprise and threw his lighter at me in a pathetic attempt at self defense. It hit my chest and bounced off.
"What was that about?" I asked as I bent down and picked up the lighter.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" He asked, still shaken up by the sudden shock I had given him.
"I came to ask you a question."
"Jesus," he wheezed. He took a breath then snatched the lighter away from me. "You scared the shit out of me."
"Apparently... you pussy," I mumbled under my breath.
He heard the comment. "What do you want?"
"I have a question to ask you," I stated again.
"What?" He asked as he pulled out a cigarette. He lit it and inhaled.
I decided to cut all of the usual bullshit out of the way and get right to the point.
"What's the deal with you and Seifer?" This caught him off guard. So much so in fact that he began to choke on the smoke he was inhaling at that moment. He spasmed into a violent coughing fit.
"Touchy subject?" I mocked. He glared at me through his coughs. He recovered soon enough.
"Why do you want to know?" He coughed out the last remnants of his mild seizure.
"Curious."
"Bullshit."
"What?"
"Bullshit," he repeated. He took a drag from his cigarette.
"What's bullshit about it?" I was becoming defensive, afraid that he had already seen right through me.
"I know that you two have been all chummy-chummy lately," he said sternly. He wasn't looking at me any longer. Fuck. He had seen us. I remained silent waiting for his next statement, but none came.
"So?" It was all I could manage to say without feeling like I had practically cheated on him. I knew it was nothing I should be ashamed about, but I couldn't help it. It kind of felt like I disappointed him and, to a certain extent, myself.
"So? So what? Do whatever the fuck you want but don't come around asking me for information on Seifer. I'm not going to give it to you."
"Why not?"
He shook his head, disgusted by this entire scene.
"I'm not your fucking encyclopedia on your boyfriend." He was angry.
"He's not my boyfriend. I just want to know if he's the kind of person I should be hanging around," I stated as simply as possibly. That was sort of true, I guess?
"Rinoa, what the fuck do you think?" He sounded exasperated at my stupidity which only irritated me.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"It means that you're a fucking idiot," he yelled. He had completely forgotten about his cigarette as the flame in it died.
"Don't be a brat, Squall. I seriously have no idea what you're talking about."
"You knew he was a fucking piece of shit before you even met him," he continued and I yelled back.
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"This!" He brushed his bangs out of the way, revealing his scar. All my heated anger dropped as the sign appeared right before my eyes.
He was right. I was so stupid. The signs were there from the beginning. They were even there before the beginning. Seifer wasn't a good person to be around. I had the answer the whole time, I even knew it so many months ago. I had chosen to ignore it. Wanting to mortally wound a comrade, maybe even kill, was not a good thing to see in a friend.
"But why?" I asked. I wanted to know more about the situation. Because following that same logic I had used to denounce Seifer, I would need to cast Squall out too. What was so horrid about Seifer in particular. What made him different than Squall? Because I know that Squall had wanted to hurt him just as bad that day.
He wouldn't answer me. He just turned away.
"You know, you act like you're the victim in some crime or something. Using that scar to pass judgement on him." I was defending Seifer, something that Squall didn't like in the slightest. He gave me an icy stare and looked ready to leave.
"He fucking sliced my face open, Rinoa. If I hadn't backed up just that tiny little bit that last second my brains would have been all over his gunblade, not just my blood."
"Oh, and you wouldn't have done the same to him?" I challenged. This silenced him. "Parading that scar around in front of me isn't going to inspire sympathy for much longer, and it certainly isn't going to give me reason enough to think Seifer a bad person."
"I'm not looking for your fucking sympathy. This," he pointed to his scar once more, "is the reason why you shouldn't hang out with him." I was done with this conversation. It was going nowhere. We were too stubborn about this subject. "And, you know..." he began, "I wouldn't have hurt him."
"Oh, really?" I asked sardonically.
"Yeah. That little fight of ours was supposed to be training. We were training partners."
This piqued my interest and I paused.
"Seriously?"
He didn't respond.
"It's not my job to be telling you who's been naughty or nice," he said as he relit his cigarette. He peered out into the horizon where the last bit of light sucked beneath the horizon. "Do what you want with Seifer. He can't be all shit head. He does have friends." He glanced at his half smoked cigarette and dropped it to the floor. He stomped the fire out and smeared the remains of the tobacco around with his heel. With that, he left. Neither of us gave a goodbye and I felt more confused about Seifer than before. But I also felt like I had damaged Squall by asking him about it. It was too soon to start stabbing holes into our friendship. Those scars wouldn't heal anytime soon. But I think in his own, weird way, he gave me the green light to go ahead and try with Seifer.... whatever that was worth.
But the funny thing was I didn't want to anymore. Talking with Squall put a bad taste in my mouth about Seifer, again.
The next day Selphie and I were eating lunch together as we usually did and she was ecstatic about some new boy that had just rolled into Garden.
"Oh my God, Rin, seriously. You should see the face on this mother fucker." She emphasized 'fucker' so intensely that it made me choke on my soda. "He's so fucking hot. I thought I was going to faint, seriously. I mean, shit, Rin, I seriously gasped out loud. When he walked through that door and into my classroom it just sucked my breath right out of my lungs. It was like an orgasm," she yelled with delight.
"Woah there Selph," I calmed, becoming increasingly aware of her heightening volume and the amount of heads that began to turn toward us. "Can we save orgasm talk for when we're, yah know, not around people."
"Sorry, but dude, for real..." She just couldn't get over it. I rolled my eyes as she gabbed on about it more but she suddenly stopped and peered behind me.
"What?" I asked. She just giggled.
"Hey!" a voice screamed into my right ear. I jumped about a mile off of my chair and nearly fell off, but a pair of large hands grabbed my shoulders and steadied me.
"Woah, sorry," came the voice again, now calm and delicate. I turned to find Seifer an inch away from my face. My heart beat sky rocketed as I felt his hot breath on my face. I can't even imagine how red my face looked but it must have been somewhere in the shade of a fire truck. I always thought he was attractive, but this close he was just... hot. So damn hot. So sexy. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to so bad. I could feel my lips naturally attracting to his like some kind of magnets were at work. I locked my eyes with his and he smiled so perfectly I swear he had just popped out of some fairy tale like a prince riding on a white stallion or a knight, his swo-
"Awkward," Selphie mumbled, breaking my day dream. I snapped back into reality at a speed that gave me whiplash.
"I, um," I mumbled like the village idiot, still not really taking in my surroundings.
"Sorry, Selph." He smiled at her and she waved a hand thinking nothing of it.
"That was just so, so..." Words escaped me.
"Surprising?" Selphie offered.
"Shocking?" Seifer added.
"A nice melange of the two," I answered bashfully.
"If I hadn't caught you you would have flown right through the roof," Seifer commented, his hands pressing even harder into my shoulders, reminding me of their presence.
"Hmm, yep," I mumbled like an asshole. I wanted to smack myself across the face for acting like such a retard. I saw Selphie roll her eyes.
"Say, what are you doing tonight?" he asked as he released my shoulders.
"Nothing!" I practically yelled, all too eager. "Nothing at all," I said bringing my volume down a few notches, trying to keep my cool.
"Would you want to do something with me later?"
"Fuck yeah," I exclaimed, an exuberant smile on my face. Selphie hid her face behind her hand, attempting to hide herself from the embarrassment that I was so unabashedly throwing out.
He laughed at the response. "Cool, I'll stop by your dorm at around seven. Is that okay?"
"Ha," I snorted. "Cha!" I said with a laugh.
He chuckled. "I'll see you at seven then." He smiled a brilliant smile and looked me in the eyes. I melted as I felt the warmth in his eyes heat me until I couldn't even think about being a solid mass any longer.
"Sounds good," I said with more composure than those last few dumb ass lines I had given him. He nodded, signaling my stareathon was over. He waved a goodbye to Selphie and she twiddled her fingers back at him.
Once he was gone my senses returned and I awoke from my phase of stupidity.
"God Rin, drool much?" Selphie mumbled.
"Oh my God," I said, reeling from that entire scene. "What did I just agree to?" There was something about tonight and Seifer? Maybe?
"You just bagged yourself a sexy hunk of man, that's what you agreed to!" Selphie squealed with delight.
"Am I really going on a date with him? I didn't hallucinate that?" I asked.
"No, no you did not."
"Seven," I recalled. "Shit, what time is it?"
Selphie glanced at her watch. "Four."
"That's just enough time to become hot."
"Do you need help? Oh please tell me you need help," Selphie practically begged. I nodded, we giggled stupidly and left.
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The room was spinning. I had drunk too much. The loud noises in the bar that had sounded like nothing at all earlier were now piercing my skull like needles into a pin cushion. Lights blurred and faces blended into fuzzy ovals. People I had casually met just hours ago were no longer there former selves but silhouettes created by the multitude of shots I had inhaled.
The bar tender said something to me, something along the lines of 'had enough.' I nodded slovenly and slid off the stool unceremoniously. I stumbled a bit until I had found my balance which didn't end up lasting long. Some people patted me on the shoulder and I nodded back, confused. 'What's with the touching' I wanted to ask, but words eluded me.
Ugh, so much noise, so many lights. I felt sick. I was gonna throw up. I ran outside and found a nearby bush. I could taste all the alcohol I had consumed just hours before all over again. I felt like a dog, heaving out my insides into some unsuspecting shrubbery. I'd hate myself later for acting like a fifteen year old at a high school party, but at that moment I couldn't care less. I felt so much better with all that nausea out of my system, I felt like more drinks.
"Nope," I slurred out loud, denying myself any more alcoholic beverages.
I needed to get back to Garden. I wandered to the main drag of Balamb aimlessly, searching for a taxi. But my attempts were pathetic. I waved with a fling of my arm and stumbled. I managed to hail a taxi, though I have no idea how. I fell in and he mumbled something. I hoped it was something along the lines of 'where to' instead of 'get the fuck out.'
"Gawde...n," I instructed through a grotesque tasting burp. He understood me and drove off.
I don't remember the drive at all. I probably fell asleep. When I arrived I paid the man, probably over paid him, and stumbled out of the vehicle. I slowly made my way into Garden, holding onto the guard rails as I pulled my drunk ass along.
I somehow ended up in the Instructor's wing of the apartments. It must have been simply reflex that brought me back here. I knocked on the familiar door of 306. No answer. I knocked harder, pounding now. She was probably asleep but I wanted her. I wanted her so badly.
I heard her calls from within, telling me she was on her way but I continued to bang anyway.
"Christ, what's the em-" She stopped midway though her tirade when she looked up at my face. "Well, well, look what the cat dragged in," she taunted as she leaned against the door. She enjoyed seeing me beg, seeing me low enough for her to kick.
"I don't have time for this bullshit," I slurred as I grabbed her shoulders and pushed her in to her apartment. I pinned her against the wall and started kissing and sucking on her neck like it was my last day alive. Her skin was even smoother and milkier than I remembered. I savored every taste I could manage to squeeze out of this moment.
"I've missed this," I mumbled, taking a break from my wet kisses all over her nape, luxuriating in the sensuality I had missed out on for so many months.
"Me too," she said breathlessly as she lifted my shirt up and off. I could hardly feel the caress of her hands on my body, the alcohol prohibiting the full enjoyment of this moment. She tossed the shirt off and I quickly unfastened her bra like it was second nature.
The rest followed like a hideous blur. Like a roller coaster that lost its breaks at the top of the first drop. I was careening, falling and falling and falling. But that thrill of the plummet that echoes in your stomach, that feeling that holds your scream in your throat, was vibrating in the pit of my abdomen and I didn't want it to leave. I had forgotten how much fun there was to be had by letting go of the bars and throwing your hands up. And here I was, arms raised and hurdling towards the end of the ride. I'd regret it, this slip in judgement. But I couldn't help myself tonight.
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Oh God, what was this? The sixth? Eighth? Tenth maybe? I couldn't even count how many glasses of wine Seifer had poured me over the course of our date. But counting was superfluous when you were this trashed anyway. Fuck! Heels were such a bad choice for tonight.
"... It's really not that bad though," Seifer finished. What were we talking about? Oh my God, why was I this fucking wasted? This was awful. I couldn't even talk or engage him in any sort of conversation.
"Hm," I mumbled. It was really all I could say.
He paused. "Are you okay?" he asked, sounding concerned. Um, how about I'm obliterated because you force fed me an uncountable amount of glasses of wine.
"Hmm," I nodded.
"You sure? You look a little green," he commented.
"I'm just..." I paused and turned to him and smiled. "I'm just super wasted."
"Oh no!" he laughed and I smiled at his humor. At least he was having a good time.
"I'm shorry but," I paused, catching my breath and trying desperately not to burp. "I have got to take off my heelsh," I slurred. "They hurt like a bitch."
"Oh totally." He held me as I slipped my shoes off. I stumbled a little but he caught me in his arms and I smiled an even wider smile at him. "You're adorable when you're drunk," he commented quietly.
"You're adorable all the time," I slurred right back at him. That was such a bad line. Fuck you alcohol! You ruin my game.
He laughed at the comment.
"Are you not drunk at all?" I asked.
"Um, I'm a little tipsy," he confessed. Oh great. He was under control and I was looking like that drunk girl at the party that everyone hates.
"Fuck... I got too drunk," I pouted.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have given you all that whine. I didn't even realize how much I had given you until the bottle was gone."
"No no no no no no. It's not your fault. I'm the one who was stupid enough to drink it," I laughed. He smiled and my heart melted. I stared at him for the briefest of moments and the alcohol made me bold. I leaned in and kissed him. I just barely grazed his lips in the shortest, weakest of pecks but my point was clear enough. I pulled away slowly and his lips followed mine. He bent in and returned my kiss, but his was much stronger. He knew what he wanted. He bent his lips to fit mine and I matched his movements. His tongue grazed my lips and I felt my knees buckle beneath me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he grabbed my waist in a tight squeeze. I couldn't move, but I didn't want to. We stood there making out for who knows how long.
After our very public display of affection we returned to Garden. He walked me back to my dorm like the dignified man he was. I think we talked about something. Were we holding hands? I don't know. I was too wasted to notice much of anything at all. But the next thing I knew we were in my room and I was pressed against the wall. His tongue was in my mouth and his hand on my hip. In sobriety this wouldn't have happened. It would have been a pleasant peck on the cheek and that would have ended the night. But alcohol opened the flood gates, letting any and all of my inhibitions fly out the window.
I could hardly understand what was going on. I could barely feel his body against mine, let alone comprehend what his hands were doing to me. We were on the bed in a flash, tossing the remainders of our clothes off. I couldn't enjoy the sensuality or relish in the excitement of what was going on. All I could think was 'stop, I'm too drunk to be doing this.' But words never came. Nor did the pleasure. I was stuck in this horrific limbo of being unable to deny or accept the situation. I felt confused and sick. But I didn't want him to stop, and I didn't want him to keep going. I just wanted to go to sleep and for this all to be over.
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The next morning I woke up earlier than I had hoped. I looked to the watch I was stilling wearing from my date last night. It was eight. I rolled over to find Seifer long gone. His clothes were missing and the imprint of his head on the pillow next to me remained. I gently traced the outline of the grooves and smacked the pillow back into shape. I sat up and my hangover caught up with me like a back handed slap. I drooped my head into my palm and closed my eyes, attempting to settle the pain that had been awoken. And then I did something I hadn't done in a long time. I started crying. I didn't even know why. But what started out as sniffles and single tears turned into choking sobs. I couldn't stop, though it wasn't like I wanted to anyway. All I could do was curl my knees into my chest and cry into my sheets. I felt crippled. I felt sick. I felt stupid. I laid in my bed for the rest of the day, unable to function.
No goodbye and no call. Just drunk sex. But it felt like that wasn't what I was even crying about, yet there was no other reason. I was trying to deny the cheapness that I felt. I wondered how he felt about it. What did he think of me? What did he think of last night? Was there any point in thinking about it? There wasn't, but I couldn't stop.
I ignored the calls from Selphie and pretended I wasn't home when she came knocking. I couldn't bring myself to admit what had happened; what I let happen. I felt ashamed enough just thinking about it so saying it out loud would just be the icing on the cake that I could honestly deal without. I wanted to jump off a cliff. I needed a cigarette.
I slipped out of my room late that night. I'm sure I looked like a disgusting mess. I had been crying for who knows how long so I wasn't planning on looking like a super model, and didn't feel like caking a ton of make up on to make me look like one.
I made my way to the secret area in the training center and prayed no one would be there. But my prayers weren't answered. As I approached the entrance, a loud bang sounded from the balcony. It startled me and I gasped as I jumped back a foot. I paused momentarily, waiting for another sound to come, but nothing. I put a foot forward and pushed some of the foliage out of the pathway and peered out. Squall was there. Surprise, surprise. He was sitting in a corner, his knees bracing his elbows as he held his forehead in his palms while a cigarette dangled from betwixt his fingers.
I crept out and stared at him for a moment, wondering if he would notice my presence. He didn't.
"Um," I began meekly as to not scare him. It didn't, in fact he didn't even flinch at my words. "Squall?" I asked again. This caught his attention.
He looked up and he ran his hands through his hair and gave an irritated sigh. He took a drag from his cigarette, exhaled and laid his legs and arms flat against the ground.
"It was only a matter of time before you would show up," he mumbled.
"Hm?" I wondered through a meek mumble.
"I've been out here for hours, I was wondering when you'd show up."
"Hm," I replied, uninterested. I moved to the ledge, on the opposite side of the balcony and lit the cigarette I had carefully stashed in my pocket. I took a drag, but the satisfaction didn't follow. Just smoke. Just smoke filtered into my body and exhaled out. That's all this cigarette was. I looked at the fragile wrap of paper in my hands. I sighed at the realization of how feeble this piece of nothingness was. I sighed again and I felt tears welling up all over again. Oh christ, I was such a mess. Crying over the insignificance of a cigarette. I sniffled, feeling the tears reaching into my nostrils. I tried taking another drag, but it didn't taste the same. It tasted like choking emotions and pent up tears.
I didn't understand. We had sex. That was all. I had had sex before, so it wasn't some issue of deflowering... I just felt so, so.... cheap. Maybe because he wasn't there the next morning. That was half the fun of sleeping with someone anyway. Waking up to them and lying around in bed for a while. Even the shittiest of guys I had known back in Deling stayed until I woke up, or at least woke me up. But Seifer, who masqueraded as such perfection couldn't even be bothered to notify me it was all over.
Something gross and salty touched my lips and I was shaken from my lonesome pity party. I touched my face and realized I had been crying. I quickly wiped my face but it was too late. The tears were streaming down my face now. I leaned against the railing and pushed my palms into my eye balls, begging my tear ducts to cease and desist.
I heard shuffling come from my side and foot steps approached me. They stopped and I felt Squall's presence next to me. I looked up to find him smoking a foot or so away from me, peering out into the darkness.
I looked away from him, praying he wouldn't notice my red, swollen eyes but it was hard to miss.
"Rough day?" he offered quietly.
I sniffled. "Sure."
"Care to share?"
I remained quiet. I couldn't talk without bursting into sobs.
"Guess not," he mumbled. I couldn't be here. I was about to explode into a mess of tears any second, and that was the last thing I wanted Squall to see. Just let me be alone and sulk. I quickly stomped my cigarette to the ground and turned in a hurry, Squall watching me with a curious stare all the while. I walked for the exit, getting ready to burst into tears once I passed that foliage and out of Squall's sight.
"Rinoa," he called to me as I was about to push through. His voice caught my feet where they stood. His tone held a kind of emotion I hadn't heard from him before and I couldn't place it. I turned to him, my vision completely blurred by the wall of tears that had accumulated.
"Hm?" I managed in a quaking voice.
"... Are you okay?" he asked with so much concern I felt my heart melt.
My face crumpled in a desperate attempt to keep from crying. I opened my mouth in an attempt to respond with a pleasant 'yes' but nothing came.
"Uh," I managed. Through the thickness of my fog of tears I saw worry in the deep recesses of his eyes. He'd never admit to it, but I saw it there. I couldn't keep this up anymore. "No," I mumbled as I let out a sob. The wall of tears that I had fortified so well came crumbling down upon my cheeks. I began to sob and choke and I covered my mouth with my hand in a pathetic attempt to stop.
He stepped forward me awkwardly, not knowing how to approach the situation. He took another step and he reached out and put a hand upon my shoulder. I cried harder and he moved a little closer. I began to choke on my sobs and I grabbed onto his waist almost instinctively. He tensed up and was probably made terribly uncomfortable by the situation but I didn't care. It just feels nice to have someone to cling onto when you're feeling like that, to make you realize that support exists if you can just reach out and grab on to it. He patted my back curiously and slowly moved his arms around me. I cried for another moment, but cooled down as I felt the warmth of his chest against my cheeks and the heat of his hands upon my back. It was the calmest and most collected I had been all day. My breathing returned to normal and my senses regained their recognition of the outside world.
"Are... you okay?" he asked quietly.
"Uh-huh," I mumbled. I released my grip on his waist and he removed his hands from my back. "Thank you," I said, embarrassed.
"Sure," he responded.
"I need to sit down," I said, feeling a little light headed and I wiped the remains of the tears away. I sat down right where I was, but that proved uncomfortable so I laid on the cold, hard ground. Squall was curiously staring down at me but I looked right past him and up into the night. There were so many stars out tonight. I'm sure I must have looked totally bizarre. Bursting into tears, hugging and then falling on the floor. I must have seemed psychotic.
"Wow," I mumbled. Squall followed my lead and looked up. "This is so calming," I noted as I traced patterns I saw in the stars with my fingers. I looked to him and he peered back at me. I patted the ground next to me. "You've got to be looking from this vantage point. Lie down with me." The reluctance was easy to read in his eyes, but against his better judgement, he lied down next to me.
There was a moment of silence as we star gazed.
"It makes me feel so tiny," he commented. "It makes you ask yourself 'why even bother feeling the way you do?' Because in the big picture, it doesn't matter. We're just a rain drop in this universe's massive ocean."
"I guess," I noted. I dropped my hand that had been tracing imaginary lines and let it rest on my stomach.
"Sorry, that probably didn't make you feel any better," he commented. I chuckled.
"It doesn't matter. You're not here to keep my morale boosted."
There was a bit of silence.
"What were you doing out here so late?" I asked.
"Same as you. Moping," he answered.
"About what?"
"Mistakes."
"We have that in common," I commented. I rolled my head to face him. "What did you do?"
"You first." I sighed. This was going to be hard, nigh impossible. I didn't want to talk about my goings on with Seifer with him, but he would be the best one to commiserate with. I tried to think of a way to phrase this properly, but there wasn't one. I rolled my head back up to look at the sky.
"We, um, Seifer and I that is," oh god this was hard. I felt like crying again. "Well, uh, I got really drunk, too drunk and one thing lead to another and we, yah know... did it, and then he left, just decided to leave in the middle of the night, and I haven't heard from him since." That was awful. That was like experiencing it all over again.
"I'm sorry," Squall consoled as genuinely as he could.
"Me too. I'm sorry I didn't take your advice from the other day."
"You didn't know. I didn't know. Nobody knew."
"I guess," I mumbled. I rolled my head over to him again. "Why are you here?"
"Sadly enough, almost the same thing," he scoffed.
"You had sex with Seifer?" I asked, hoping to lighten the mood. He didn't smile, but I could feel the tension ease, if only for a moment.
"I fucked an old... flame," he explained, carefully selecting the appropriate words.
Now, this surprised me. I couldn't even imagine Squall as a sexual person, let alone him actually dating anyone.
I propped myself up, deeply interested in this new information.
"And, that's bad?" I asked, trying to get all the facts straight.
"Yes."
"Why?" I asked.
He didn't answer and I wasn't surprised. He would tell me in time, if he wanted to at all.
We were silent for a while, just star gazing until Squall sighed and rolled over on his side, facing away from me. The movement was so sudden it was a little startling. I eyed him curiously, but remained quiet. He stayed motionless for a moment then as quickly as he changed positions he stood up and walked to the railing.
"What's wrong?" I asked quietly as he picked myself up.
"I've been trying to get rid of her for years. Years. Years." He couldn't seem to get over that fact. A moment of quiet passed through us, but it was quickly broken by a loud growl from Squall. His fist balled up, raised it above his head as if to strike someone before him, but with no one present he smashed his hand into the metal railing. A sickening crack sounded and he cursed his pain as he doubled over.
"Holy shit!" I yelled as I ran to his hunched over body. "What the fuck was that?" I asked, flabbergasted that he would do such a thing. I gently put a hand to his shoulder but he jerked it off. But I was more adamant about seeing his hand than him shirking my kindness. I grabbed his shoulder once more and pulled him towards my direction. This time he didn't try and shake me off. I gently held his damaged hand in mine. It was trembling.
"God dammit," he mumbled through clenched teeth.
I examined it closely. "Well," I began, "I don't think it's broken. I'm pretty sure you just kicked the shit out of it. But, then again, I'm... not a professional. You'll have to see Kadowaki in the morning."
He pulled his hand away from me and tried to clench, which ripped another growl of pain out of him.
"Stop. Just let it rest." I put a hand over his and he seemed to get the hint.
We paused for a moment as I continued to examine his hand.
"You know," he began, with more calm than I was expecting.
"Hm?" I asked as he pulled his still trembling hand away from me.
"You're lucky that this is the first and last time with Seifer." I looked up at him curiously.
"What do you mean?"
"I've been doing this kind of shit with her for years. I can't stop."
"Having sex?"
"Yeah," he mumbled.
"I'm sorry. I know how it feels to be stuck in a rut like that." He didn't make eye contact with me. I continued. "I know it seems like the way out is too steep to climb, but it's possible."
"Wow. Thanks." Sarcasm dripped from his words.
"Trying to help." I backed away from him a bit. "I know it's the last thing you want to do, but I'm always around if you want to talk."
"You're right. That's the last thing I really want to do." His face twisted in pain as he attempted to move his hand once more. "But thanks," he said, talking through the distraction of his injury. I smiled a small, hopeful smile, hoping that he would someday take up my offer.
"You know, I had been feeling awful all day. But being around you, I feel like I can breathe again."
"Same," he replied as he continued to gently flex his hand. My smile widened.
A brilliant idea clicked into my head.
"Okay, so this may be a bit pushy, but," I began, already reading the hesitation in his eyes. "We could hang out all night. We could pull an all-nighter! I have a ton of movies we could watch and I have tubs of ice cream in my mini-fridge for just such an occasion."
"You're kidding," he replied sternly.
"I'm serious. It could be just the thing we need. We obviously need each other to go on surviving, and there is no better way to cope with shitty days than a fucking tub of ice cream and a crappy movie."
"Last time you said the best way to get rid of a hangover was to eat food that gave you diarrhea. I'm not a big fan of your coping methods."
"You just have a weak stomach. C'mon," I pleaded.
"I'm not one of your girlfriends," he reminded me callously.
"Could have fooled me," I mumbled. The words had totally slipped and I bit my lip as I eyed Squall's reaction. He glared back at me for a moment, then looked off another way, his eyes still holding a grudge against me.
"Okay, okay... so maybe that is something I would do with Selphie, but I can offer you an ice pack." To this he reacted more positively. "Yeah, sounds appealing now, huh?"
"Fine," he conceded and I gave myself a silent congratulations on winning him over.
"Perfect, because that ice pack has just been dying to be used. It's so cold, it's all like, 'Oh man, it's so cold in this mini-fridge. I wish someone could injure themselves so I could get a little warmer'" I said as I moved towards the exit.
"Stop talking." I didn't.