"Wow," I mumbled to a sleeping Rinoa. "Way to pull an all nighter with me." The movie had ended hours ago and I had been quietly watching TV. It was getting to be light outside already. I debated sleep, but I had passed the point of no return. If I slept now, I wouldn't wake up 'till at least noon or one which would equate to a complete waste of a day, but the day was already a lost cause anyway. I decided to try and stay up, mainly for masochistic purposes. Sleep was surrender.
My hand still hurt like a bitch, but the ice pack kept the swelling down, at least. I looked down to my self-inflicted retardation and shook my head sadly, hating my own stupidity. Dumb ass. I flexed it tenderly and the pain crept back into me, but at least it didn't hurt as bad as it had earlier. I sighed.
I grabbed the remote and switched the crappy television show I had been watching off. Silence and darkness blanketed the room. But in the absence of the TV, the soft sounds of a sleeping girl and the tiny chirps of birds crying out for the inevitable sunrise filtered through the room. Soft, pale blue light from a threatening sunrise partially lit the room as warm morning air wafted through the open window. It was... calming.
Sitting in that precious silence made me realize how rare it is for me to be calm. Calm... kind of a strange word to me, actually. God, I sound like a caveman. Gur, what be calm? No. I just sound like a student at Garden. I couldn't figure out what was sadder. The fact that it had to be this way: always on the edge of your seat, never able to take a load off... or the fact that I didn't care. It didn't matter though. It was pointless to over analyze it. So I just sat there instead and debated on whether or not I should leave her. Should I leave? No, no. That's fucked up. But... I didn't want to stay in her bed.
I stood up and the subtle movement caused the bed to shake and made Rinoa stir. She rolled further to the other side of the bed. It looked almost like a sign for me to stay.
... Should I? I felt bad for her. Really bad. I could relate with her on so many levels. The nights spent with Quistis were ones of horrific train wrecks and the mornings that followed were always filled with the anguish of searching through the rubble of the crash site. Especially last night. I become a whole other person when I get that drunk. I become 16 all over again. 16, a year where every night was filled with Quistis and our ridiculousness. A year when I actually engaged people and interacted positively with the world outside. How quickly everything can change in 3 years.
I slumped back into bed with Rinoa and slid under the covers. I stared at the back of her head for longer than I cared to. I couldn't help but feel a need to protect her from what an age like 16 can bring. But it wasn't my place to stand in her way to make the mistakes that she needed to make. After all, you'll never know not to play with fire until you've been burnt.
I dreamt that night about Quistis, who was no stranger to my sleeping world. But what about I can't remember. Yet the circumstances are unimportant anyways. Just the fact that I was dreaming of her was enough to make me wake up a few hours later, if even for the briefest of moments, and reflect. I couldn't help it. Whenever I'd dream of her, I'd wake up and think, 'Can she stop coming back now?' Because I knew that every time I saw her I wasn't over what had transpired between us. I felt ridiculous and immature. She was hateful now, nothing like the Quistis I had known. I figured that the woman I knew 3 years ago was different than the woman who tortured me now. Old Quistis had moved to a different city and New Quistis had moved in and taken her place.
These thoughts never bothered me during the day time though. Only at night. Only in privacy. So waking up to Rinoa's face after seeing Quistis so vividly was a shock. Rinoa's head was closer than before and she was facing me now. She must have moved during the night.
I suddenly felt naked and exposed. I had dreamed and thought of these horrid secrets so close to her. I felt like she knew what I was thinking and was judging me for it. It was as if she lied there, faking sleep silently laughing at me and my foolishness behind her closed eyes. I rolled over and faced the wall, hating the thought. My eyes found the wall far less judgmental to my plight but I could still feel Rinoa's presence so close to my body. It took me hours to find sleep again, thoughts of worry over her body lying so close to me constantly hounding me. Only with exhaustion did my eyes finally decide to listen to reason.
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I woke up at nine, much to my delight. I stretched the sleepiness away and lied still for another moment. I sat up and took notice of the sleeping mass next to me.
"Squall?" I asked, amazed that he had stayed. I wasn't expecting a response, obviously, but my sheer amazement shocked my vocal chords into verbalizing my astonishment. I smiled at his kind gesture. He didn't want to be another Seifer.
I repositioned myself and made sure to not stir him too much. I slipped my legs back under the covers and I bent closer to his sleeping form. But... something seemed wrong. He looked so much more natural and more tranquil. I bent down closer to him and examined his face. Oh my God. No wonder he looked so relaxed. He was smiling. It was just so rare. It wasn't any kind of teeth bearing grin that Zell had or some room illuminating smile that Selphie always had on. It was an understated, little smile. Just a modest reminder to me that his lip muscles still had the capacity to perform such a function.
"Oh," I began in the tiniest of whispers, "what ever could you be dreaming about?"
I stared for a moment longer... and then another moment, and then I couldn't look away. My hand suddenly stirred to life beside me and discreetly moved to his face. It hesitated before him, as if to expect a great snap from the animal's maw. But finding courage, it descended slowly upon his cheek. It touched down tenderly on his skin and I swallowed lightly as I continued to stare at the smile that adorned his tranquil face. My finger tips gently applied more pressure to his cheek and I felt his soft skin. He shifted gently, but leaned into my touch so that my hand tenderly cupped his peaceful face. His small crease of a smile widened and mine expanded with it. My fingers moved their way across his fair skin until it was my palm that rested against him. It rested there for a brief moment and the heat from his skin began to heat my palm. And with the heat came an odd burning. The burning of reality. I ripped my hand from his cheek, suddenly embarrassed and slightly ashamed of what I had just been doing. I turned over, my back now facing him and shut my eyes, hoping to just let sleep whisk me off again.
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I was running down a hallway. I was so out of breath. Zell was screaming about the hot dogs and I screamed something back at him. It was night... No, wait. It was day. Yeah, definitely day time. A ringing from my pocket halted my running and I skidded to a stop and pulled out the culprit of this obnoxious ringing. I produced my cell phone and flicked the screen open.
"Hello?" I cried hurriedly. Zell was waiting for me and I just had to get to those hot dogs. No reply came. "Hello? Is anyone there?" I continued to yell. "We're in trouble! I need help!" I began to scream, desperately.
My eyes suddenly shot open and reality came crashing down like a brick cracking my skull open. My dorm phone was ringing a shrill ring from my desk, I had just woken up from a ridiculous dream by my own screaming and I was holding Squall's cigarette pack against my ear. I threw the pack down and shook my head violently, hoping to toss the deliriousness off me. I reached for the phone, but in the process ended up jabbing an elbow into Squall's abdomen. He wheezed abruptly as he was hurled from his world of sleep back into waking life.
"What the fuck?" he mumbled irritated as he pushed my elbow off him. I ignored him and reached over him for the phone. I ripped it from its base, determined to answer it.
"Hello?" I screamed before I could even get the phone near my face.
"Rin? Rin!?" It was Selphie. She sounded surprised.
"Duuuuude," was all I could mumble, still reeling from that dream about hot dogs. "Kinda early, don't ya think?" I groggily noted.
"Huh? Oh my God, you've been doing drugs. She's been doing drugs!" she announced to someone away from the phone.
"What? Selphie? What the fuck are you talking about?"
"Jeez, Rin. It's three!" she said, aghast.
"No way." I looked at the clock on my nightstand and the time was, sure enough, 3:27 PM. I quickly took notice of the warm breeze filtering through the room from my open windows and the sunlight pouring onto the ground. Holy crap. How long did we sleep for? 'We?' ... Squall! I remembered the body I had just assaulted with an elbow and pulled myself up to look at his face. It seemed like he was trying to find the path back to sleep but that was not going to happen now.
"Squall!" I yelled. "Get up! It's 3:30!"
"Whatever," he mumbled and turned his head into my pillow.
"What!?" Selphie shrieked from the phone. "Squall's there too!? What the fuck have you been up to?"
"Long story," I mumbled under my breath. "Here, just come by in 20 minutes and I'll tell you."
"Zell's coming, too," Selphie demanded.
"Yeah, whatever." I tossed the phone back into its base and flopped down onto the bed.
"Get off me," Squall demanded. I was on his stomach.
"Sorry," and I scrambled off him, back onto my side.
I sighed and ran my hands through my hair, wondering what to do now.
"So," I began to Squall. I didn't care if he was trying to sleep anymore. He had slept too much by now anyway. "Selphie and Zell are coming over in 20. If you don't want to deal with them I suggest you leave now." He didn't budge. He was either asleep or didn't care if he was seen. Probably the former though. I sighed again and jumped off the bed.
Selphie and Zell came a few minutes later, ignoring my request for a brief respite before their arrival.
"You're earlier than I thought you'd be," I noted.
"Psh, this is too juicy to wait," Selphie reminded. I rolled my eyes but let them in anyway.
"So? You fucked Squall, didn't you?" Zell asked, followed by a deep laugh.
"Why don't you say that a little louder," I began and I pointed to Squall, his head beneath a pillow. "I don't think he heard you."
"Oh..." Zell mumbled, in complete shock that he might have actually been correct.
"Did you?" Selphie asked practically drooling at thought of the juicy gossip she would no doubt be swimming in.
"No, no no." I shook my head.
"Boring," Selphie mumbled and took a seat at my desk.
"Well, what happened to Seifer?" Zell asked.
"Hmmm," I mumbled, not looking forward to this story. I was surprisingly not as torn up about it as I thought I would have been though. I was almost sure that when I would inevitably tell them about the night, I would burst into a mess of tears just like I had done with Squall.
I turned back towards Squall, sleeping soundly beneath a mess of sheets and pillows. I looked at the two and made a nod towards the door, gesturing our leave.
"Let's let him sleep," I said, hushed as I grabbed sandals from my closet and slipped them on.
"Oh yeah, I bet he was so busy last night," Selphie commented with a nudge and a wink.
"Seriously, nothing happened. Trust me, you'd be the first to know if something did actually happen." I opened the door for them and they exited with Selphie taking one last look at the sleeping boy.
"I can't believe you didn't bang him," she said, a little louder than I think she might have intended.
"Selphie!" I said through gritted teeth, trying to shut her up about the subject, at least until we were in a more private area. She giggled at my bashfulness.
We made our way to the Quad, and in the relative privacy of a bench on the far side of the courtyard, I told them what had happened. Everything from Seifer to this morning.
"Asshole!" That was Zell's fifth defamation of Seifer in the short fifteen minute retelling.
"Seriously, what a shit head," Selphie commented sympathetically as she tenderly rubbed my back in support.
"Yeah, I know right. But, I'm not as torn up about it as I thought I would be. I mean, yesterday was shit-tastic and I thought today would follow much in the same way, but..." I trailed off.
I wanted to explain to them why I didn't care anymore, but I couldn't. Was it that I was just getting older and wiser and coping with this kind of bullshit became easier? Or was it... Squall? I'd like to have thought the former, just so I could at least give myself a pat on the back, but something told me it was the latter. Squall was there to sit me back up when I had fallen off, and not only had he placed me back on he had strapped me in tighter than before, or at least that's what it had felt like. I smiled thinking of his spending the night. It was a nice gesture, a gesture I really needed.
A loud thunder of a snap in my ear returned me to reality. Selphie snapped her fingers at me again.
"Hello? Come in Rinoa, this is Selphie. We lost you for a second," she mocked as she waved a hand before my eyes. I swatted her hand away.
"Sorry, zoned out for a sec. I'm still pretty groggy." I rubbed my eyes with my finger tips.
Once the two were done bitching about Seifer and making crude comments about Squall being in my bed, Zell moved onto the next best discussion topic: food.
"I'm hungry," Zell whined for the third time.
"Yeah, we know. Stop talking," Selphie said, irritated.
"Okay, we can stop blabbing about this crap, I'm done talking about it anyways. Lunch?" I offered.
"Thank God," Zell mumbled as he stood, ready to walk off.
"You sure you okay?" Selphie asked, cocerned as she moved a little closer to me.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I'd feel even worse if I was grieving about it two days after the fact. I'm old enough to not have to shed too many tears on this kind of crap."
"Well... All right," she seemed unconvinced, but went a long with it anyway.
Much of our lunch was spent with Zell and Selphie feuding over a television show... or something. I didn't know. I was barely even there anyway. I kept losing focus on whatever they were gabbing about. My concentration was entirely on Squall. I wondered if he was still in my bed, still just sleeping the hours away, or maybe he had left? Knowing Squall, he probably just left when he realized I was the one who had ditched first, as if that was the "all clear" sign for him to jet. Or what if he was still there, waiting for me? Now that's just unrealistic. I mean, if I woke up in his bed and found him absent even I wouldn't stay around for long. Or, what if.....
I began to fidget anxiously. I wanted to get back to my room and see what Squall had done. Had he run or had he stayed? I wasn't even hungry anyway. I looked at the food in front of me and wished someone would just ask to finish it off for me. Zell, why aren't you being your normal self today? Ask to eat the whole fucking thing like you always do!
"Rin," Selphie started, shaking me from my thoughts. "Are you not hungry?"
"No," I said with a sheepish smile. She was still concerned and I hoped my smile would put her at ease, but I could tell she could see through the falsity of my pleasantries.
"Can I have the rest?" Zell asked, nearly instantly after I had replied to Selphie.
And just as fast as he had asked, I answered at break neck speed. "Yes!" I practically yelled, thrilled he had finally asked.
"Fuck yeah," Zell mumbled as he took the tray from me, as if he hadn't eaten in days.
"Zell, don't be such a pig," Selphie scolded but Zell took no notice. "Rin, are you su-" I cut her off.
"I'm fine, Selph. Look, I'm gonna get back now. I need to..." I didn't want to admit to my mild fixation over Squall, mainly for embarrassment purposes. "... Shower," I finished cooly. And with that I stood up from the table and made my way out.
"Call me!" Selphie cried after me. I turned, nodded, threw a hand up and waved my goodbyes to them.
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I turned the lock, nervous for the exchange I was about to make with Squall. What would he say? What would we talk about? I should thank him, but would he- But all the queries I had for myself were cleared in an instant.
An empty, made bed with not even the foggiest resemblance of a body outline lay in the corner of the room. I looked about my dorm, searching for evidence that would prove to me he remained. In the bathroom? No. Had he stepped out momentarily? I doubted it. He had gone. But it wasn't crushing or heart breaking or really all that surprising. It was just... disappointing.
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Walking into this class on any given day was hard enough as it is, but today had special circumstances surrounding it. Not only had I fucked the teacher the night prior, but I was also ten minutes late.
"Shit," I mumbled as I looked back from my watch. I sped my walk up. I reached the door to the class and swung it open. The whole class fell silent for a brief moment, curious to see who had entered, then went back to the usual mumble and lecture that filled classrooms. As I made my way back to my seat, I couldn't help but notice students were turned away from the instructor's desk and instead their interest rested on their friends at neighboring desks. I took my seat and looked up to Quistis' desk, expecting scornful, yet knowingly playful eyes, watching my every movement. But there were none. She wasn't there.
I looked at my watch again. Ten after. I looked to the classroom's clock, checking if I had had the wrong time all along. No. Still ten after. She was late? She was never late. Maybe she had to drop something off with the administration? She over slept? Maybe she had informed the other students at the start of class she was going to be late? I looked among the rest of my classmates, curious to see if they showed any sign of alertness, as if they knew she would walk in any minute. But there was nothing. No one cared and appeared to prefer the absence. I leaned across the aisle and asked after Quistis to the two girls chatting away.
"Is she late?" I asked. Their conversation came to a crashing halt, as if their voices had just hit a tree going ninety. They looked at me with a mix of shock and confusion. I stared back, equally confused and they took the hint. They wiped the dumb looks off their faces.
"Er, well, um, I-" one girl fumbled. She was at a complete loss for words. What was her deal?
The other friend continued her thought. "She hasn't, um, shown up... yet?" Why did she make that a question? Were they nervous? Wow, they were. They were incredibly nervous, almost to the point of petrification.
"Okay. Thanks," I said quickly, not wanting this terrible exchange to continue any further. I saw them turn and look to one another as if they had just seen me eat a live animal with my bare hands.
What the fuck was their deal?
But then it hit me... I had never spoken to them before. In fact, I had never spoken to anyone in this entire room. I peered around the room and the gravity of that statement hit me. I had no idea who these people were, even their names alluded me. And I had been going to school with these people for more than one-third of my whole life! Those girls... they were acting so weird because they were nervous. Nervous of me. Was I really that... intimidating?
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"Okay," I began as I rummaged through my shoe racks. "How many will you buy me again?" I smiled towards Selphie and she gleamed back at me, happy that I was finally getting excited for this night out.
"Two," she said definitively. I gave her an incredulous look and she hastily revised the offer. "Three!" she stated, afraid to lose me to indifference.
"All right then! We've got a good night on our hands," I said with a smile and a nod.
"Hell yeah we do!" Selphie squealed. I pulled some heels out and Selphie gave an irate sigh. "I want to go dancing! Don't wear those heels," she said as she came over to my closet to find a good flat for me.
"You know, before I came to Garden, before this dress code bullshit, I wore heels practically everyday. I can run a fucking mile in these," I reminded her with a smile.
"Wow, no dress code," she mumbled, fascinated by the concept. "I came from a private school where we had to wear shitty uniforms, then I moved here for more freedom and found just more of the same shit. It's horrible," she mused. I slipped my four-inch heels on feeling sexier than I had in a long time, grabbed my clutch from the bed, and moved towards the door.
"Let's do this," I stated as I swung the door open for Selphie. She pranced out, thrilled about getting the night started.
Zell was kind enough to be our designated sober driver that night so we didn't have to all pitch in money for a cab. I questioned whether he would actually hold up the "sober" portion of his job title, but I didn't argue too heavily. I figured I'd just keep an eye on him. I had tried getting in touch with Squall to invite him out with us (I snuck into the infirmary's filing systems and found Squall's dorm phone number). But he was nowhere to be found. I had even come by his dorm (which I had also found in that same filing system) but he was absent. Either that or he was avoiding me. I decided not to dwell on it, as much as I wanted to, and resolved to just simply have fun for the night.
On the drive over, while Selphie took sips from her flask filled with rum and Zell continued to pump terrible, bass raping club music, my thoughts slipped back into the past few days' events. But more particularly, my encounter with Squall out in the secret area. I was so overcome by own, ridiculous and, in retrospect, childish grief that I hadn't even begun to ponder why he had been out there at the same time. And come to think of it, he wasn't looking that good. He looked like shit. I was just too blind to notice it at the time. What could have been wrong? I thought of everything from death of a family pet to failing an exam, but nothing seemed plausible enough for Squall. It felt like Squall needed something really special to be upset over. He wouldn't mope over some bullshit failed exam (as if he ever would fail anything in his entire life) or a dead animal. It'd would have to be something greater.
But I couldn't think a moment further as Selphie so rudely interrupted my thoughts.
"We're here!" she screamed as she tossed the flask up for a cheers, followed by a leg. She was already drunk and I could smell the rum on her.
"Oh god, no more for you," Zell mumbled as he stepped out of the car.
"You're not my dad, scrotum face!" she hissed back as she fumbled for the handle to the door. "This thing is a death trap," she mumbled as she continued to hunt madly for her method of escape.
Zell came around to her door and with a great, exasperated sigh opened the door for her. She promptly stumbled out and onto Zell who caught her with little effort.
"Come on, Stumbles. Let's go," Zell said as he steadied her with a hand placed squarely on the small of her back. I flanked Selphie so as to make sure she wouldn't fall flat on her face.
"I'm..." Selphie began. She looked at me with those signature drunk eyes. Those eyes that are completely glazed over and have just mysteriously become lazy, veering off in every direction. "I'm gonna find you... SUCH a hot man," she promised as she stabbed my ribs with a finger. I brushed her off playfully and smiled at her good humor.
"I'm not here for a man, I'm here to have fun," I reminded sternly. But I realized I wasn't reminding either of them, I was really reminding myself.
"Because those two things can never go hand in hand?" Zell questioned.
"As proven by the last few days, no," I said plainly and Zell conceded with a nod.
"Men are sooo fun! What are you talking about Rinny?" Selphie exclaimed. She was so trashed. She rarely called me Rinny when she was sober. "What would I do without penis in my life?" she asked.
Zell and I shared a look of surprise. We had never heard Selphie so publicly discuss sex, and so loudly at that. We received some looks from those nearby and I smiled politely.
"Let's talk about dick when we're in a bit of a more private area, shall we?" I encouraged as I guided her to the club entrance.
"Dick dick dick dick," she chanted, uncaring. We came to the bouncer and we paid our cover charge, but not before Selphie could yell Penis in his face and run off giggling into the club. He look pissed but Zell and I just shrugged, smiled and ignored the inevitable confrontation by slipping into the darkness after her.
Before I knew it I was shit faced. Selphie had bought all of my cocktails. All five of them. Fortunately for me, their strength lied in their tastes rather than their alcoholic content so I was saved from a night of black out drunk, thank god. Zell hadn't followed at our speed though, and was blacked out. He slurred, stumbled, chatted languidly with uninterested strangers and was just a general mess. Like I suspected, he didn't hold up the "sober" part of being the sober driver. What an idiot.
"Oh, shit," he cursed with a chuckle as he lamely wiped at the spilled martini on the crotch of his pants. "It... looks like I pished myself." He smiled stupidly with glazed eyes. He leaned precariously from the stool he was on, looking as if he was about to fall right off. I steadied him as best I could.
Oh Jesus, I really didn't want to deal with his drunk ass tonight. I wanted to keep having a good time and get a few more drinks into my system before we dropped the curtain on this night. But it was too late, for me anyway. Selphie had left us for the company of a boy she had met earlier and escorted him to a table in the corner of the bar, where they were no doubt tongue wrestling. So it was just me and Zell, and Zell was completely incapacitated, which left me to take care of him. Joy of joys. But he had taken care of me when I was in his position, so, by drunk ethical code, I was indebted to him. I would have to take on this burden.
"Zell, " I began, trying to look into his eyes as he swayed back and forth. "Would you like to go home?" I tried to ask as plainly and directly as possible in an effort to pierce his barrier of liquor that barred him from real conversation.
He shook his head and after a moment slurred, "no."
"I think we should go. You don't look so well," I said simply. I gently took his face in my hands to keep it in place. It was making me sea sick just watching him.
"I'm... fine," he insisted. "Appletini!" he screamed to the bartender. The man sighed, irritated at the sudden command but complied nonetheless.
"An appletini?" I questioned. "At what point in the night did you switch genders?" I joked.
"You're such a... bitch," he said with a huge smile as he leaned towards me. But the lean turned into a clumsy fall into my lap. "I love you, you know? You're my best friend," he said as he snuggled into my dress.
"I love you too, but I think you need to go home and go to bed," I said as I picked him up. He gave me a huge frown but conceded with a nod. "Thank you."
The bartender dropped the Appletini off in front of Zell which he fortunately didn't notice. Afraid he would spot the drink and knock it back, I immediately snatched it and gulped it down. I gagged and made a twisted face but powered through it. I had never drunk something that strong so fast before. If I wasn't already totally belligerent, I was sure to be in the next ten minutes. I paid the bartender, hooked Zell around my shoulders and we made our way out.
I could already feel the affects of that appletini and immediately cursed myself for swallowing it in a single gulp. I needed to get in a cab within the next ten minutes or we would both end up passed out in the streets. I tried to hail a cab, but they ignored me.
"Shit," I mumbled, stumbling more and more as the seconds ticked away.
"I'm gonna throw up," Zell said, very sternly.
"What? Are you serious?" I cried. He nodded, his face now green. This threw a huge wrench in the plan. Crap. We'd never get a cab if they saw him puking his guts out all over the street. "Let's get to an alley." Ah, the alley, the drunk person's litter box.
We made our way to one next to the club and the second we were out of public view, Zell projectile vomited all over the side of the building. It was actually pretty impressive, if it wasn't so disgusting. I breathed a sigh of relief, thanking the gods for that puke not being on me. I stood next to his hunched body, rubbing his back in comfort as he continued to heave.
I heard talking and laughing approaching and hoped they wouldn't come down the alley. Two figures appeared in the dimly lit street lighting and they paused momentarily in front of the alley entrance. Out of the corner of my eye I could tell that it was definitely a man and a woman and they appeared to be close. The two were probably on a date.
Zell puked again and I grimaced. The two strangers remained at the entrance, chatting amiably and laughing to one another. Couldn't you find another, more romantic alley to be in? This one is already claimed by a puking wasted kid. But apparently the couple enjoyed the disgusting mess because they began to walk into the alley. As they neared us I couldn't help but look up and see just who these people were. I mean, this couple has got to be masochi-
My thoughts came to a screeching halt and I felt that Appletini sweep me off my feet as soon as I saw who it was. That smug yet handsome smile and that blonde hair shined like beacons through my drunken fog. I didn't need to see much else of his body or face to figure out who it was. It was Seifer.
I made a very audible gasp and stumbled into Zell's hunched form. The nudge caused him to heave violently and he continued to vomit. The sound caught their attention and they turned towards us, but I was faster than them. I swiftly turned my head back towards Zell and raised the collar of my jacket in a pathetic attempt to hide any distinguishing features that would mark me as identifiable.
"Don't drink if you can't hold your alcohol," mumbled the woman on his arm with a snide giggle. Bitch. I would have snapped at that remark, the alcohol making me brave, but I refrained and just shook the comment off.
"Fuck them," mumbled Seifer and silence followed, save for the occasional shuffle of fabric. I turned cautiously, curious to see what was happening between Seifer and this mystery woman. Not surprisingly, they were feverishly making out against the opposite wall. Really? Right here? God was punishing me, apparently. Seifer picked her right leg up in his arms and began to feel every inch of her thigh, slowly working his way into her skirt. Well, that's awfully classy of them. Zell puked again, but this time they were much to wrapped up in themselves to give two shits about some drunk kids.
I turned back to Zell briefly, making sure he wasn't dead yet, but then quickly changed focus back to the two across the alley. I needed to know who was Seifer's date/screw for the night. Well, I didn't need to know, I was just curious. Curious in a sick, demented sort of way.
He bent his head from hers, breaking their kiss and moved his lips to the nape of her neck. From behind Seifer's head, beautiful blonde hair was revealed along with hauntingly melancholy blue eyes. Her hair was done up in the-Oh my God....
It was Quistis.
There was no mistaking it. My jaw dropped and my eyes bulged. This was not happening. I looked off, and then returned my gaze to the scene unfolding before me, thinking I might have hallucinated the sight. Oh no, this was real. This was totally and completely real.
I heard another heave from Zell and then the sound of more vomit. God dammit, how much did you drink to puke up that much?
"Done yet?" I practically begged to Zell.
"Almost," he said, gasping for breath. I moaned, aggravated at this entire situation.
I did not want to be stuck in the middle of this situation. Here I was, standing right in the center of a bunch of emotional bullshit. Seifer with Quistis who was with Squall, but now tortured him- It was all ridiculous. I didn't want to be caught in the center. Selphie would have adored seeing this sight. She would have reveled in the gossip and the sweet irony of it all.
I was still watching the train wreck in front of me. They were becoming more and more heated as each minute passed, completely oblivious to the idea of public decency.
"Okay, I think," Zell began with a heaved sigh. "I think I'm done." I whipped around and grabbed his arm.
"Good," I whispered, "let's get the fuck out of here!" I growled as I dragged him behind me. Walking was hard. That appletini had caught up with me and my heels were not pleased. I could barely walk without stumbling but I moved as fast as I could to get the fuck out of there.
Zell had taken notice of Seifer and Quistis going to town on one another and yelled, "get a room you two! And use some protection or else she's gonna get all fat!" He laughed as he continued to holler at them. Thankfully he hadn't realized just who they were though. I pulled on him harder, trying to rip him from the scene before he could make out just who it was that needed a room and protection. But it was too late.
"Oh my God!" he screamed as loud as he possibly could. "It's Seifer and-" but I didn't let him finish. I yanked on his arm so hard he ended up falling over and onto his ass.
"Shut up!" I said sternly, still hiding my face from their view.
"What the fuck was that for!? I just threw up everywhere and you pull me-" I didn't have time for this. He was obviously still shit faced because he didn't understand the repercussions of being seen by those two.
"We have to leave, now," I glowered at him with vicious eyes. He knew I was serious.
"Hey asshole," a voice screamed from the alley. Oh fuck me with a chainsaw. Seifer had seen us. I continued to hide my face behind my jacket. "Don't talk to me or my girl that way and just keep on-" but now it was Seifer's turn to stop mid-sentence. "Zell!?" he cried, astonished.
Then Zell finally got it through his thick skull. He shouldn't have seen what he had just seen and Seifer shouldn't have known that he had seen it.
"No!" Zell yelled back as he stood up in a hurry, using me as a ladder on which to climb back onto his feet. "I'm... I'm Richard," he boomed in a deep and obviously fraudulent voice. I grimaced and planted a palm to my forehead, hating Zell at that moment. We were far enough away and in a poorly lit area so we could have passed off as other people, but Zell was obviously a terrible actor and couldn't be anyone but his stupid self.
Seifer began to approach us with a strut that oozed menacing. It seemed like he was coming to kill Zell.
I tugged on Zell and began to lean in the direction of our escape route. Zell took the hint, thank god.
"Sorry, good sir but I really must be going!" he yelled back in that same stupid voice. We began to speed walk, but as we heard Seifer's foot steps picking up speed and volume we broke out into an all out sprint. I felt like I was running for my life, which I sort of was. I kept up with Zell, despite being on shoes that resembled stilts. We dodged in and out of groups of people and turned down streets left and right until we couldn't feel our legs anymore. We finally ducked into another alley to rest.
"Oh crap," Zell wheezed as he slid down a wall and onto the ground. I collapsed to the cement of the alley and gasped for air like a fish out of water. I ripped my heels from my feet and tossed them far away from me, hating the site of them.
"Zell, let's just get a taxi and get back to Garden," I pleaded as I lied back on my elbows, looking at him.
"Yeah yeah, but man," he sighed, still out of breath. He stood back up. "I can't believe that those two-"
"Let's just drop it," I snapped. Zell looked at me, aghast.
"You seriously don't want to talk about that?" he asked, stunned.
"Not particularly. And don't tell anyone!" He rolled his eyes. "Zell, I'm serious. Seifer could get expelled and Quistis could have her teaching license revoked." I wanted that to sound like a deterrent, so then why did it sound so appealing?
"Right, right," Zell admonished. "We're lucky Selphie didn't see that. She'd gab to everyone." I nodded my agreement.
We sat in silence for a moment.
"Shit, I'm so wasted right now," Zell mumbled.
"Yeah, me too," I said, standing. We walked to a main street and caught a cab back to Garden.
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I swiped my ID through the gates at the entrance of Garden and the familiar beep sounded my acceptance. The tiny doors opened and I passed through. This had to be the most uncomfortable walk of my entire life. I had tried on several occasions to remove all the sand from my shoes but it seemed like a physical impossibility. Note to self: never wear anything but sandals to the beach. But no matter how much or how little sand there was in my shoe, it wouldn't have changed the fact that this had been a terrible night.
Ever since I had left Rinoa's earlier that day, I couldn't stop thinking about my train wreck with Quistis the night prior. I just couldn't stop. No matter how many cigarettes I had smoked or what book I had tried to read, she'd always pop into my mind. And every time she appeared I felt like I was taking a bullet. The pain never let up and I never adjusted. I had never been in a situation that I couldn't handle emotionally, but this might have been it. I had almost cried about it that night on the balcony. Cried. I hadn't cried since I was three. I was just so fucking sick of revisiting her and what we had. Had. The past tense was comforting, but made my current situation all the more unbearable. We had been over for so long and our story had finished so why did this insist on hurting still? Was this the epilogue from hell? Epilogues are supposed to wrap the story up perfectly, leaving all participants satisfied. So then why did this all still feel like shit? This was no epilogue, this was just hell.
Maybe it was me? Maybe I was the one dragging myself along. No, no "maybe." It was me. I was a masochist for this story of ours. Quistis may have been the one to walk away first, but I was the one who tied myself to her heels and allowed to be dragged along and kicked. True, she was a nasty bitch now, but I was the one letting her do the damage. Even after I had told her off in the elevator after being lectured in Cid's office, I couldn't help but get right back behind her and allow myself to be punished. As much as I wanted to believe that this could end with me getting the upper hand over Quistis, I understood that it could never happen. It would never end unless I was the one who untied myself. I couldn't kick her as she kicked me, because she didn't care the way I did. My attacks at her, however below the belt I thought they were, never hit her in the place I wanted them to. She was beyond what had transpired between us and didn't have the same emotional attachment to me that she once did. She could never be emotionally hurt the way I could. Maybe, she could be offended, but never truly damaged.
I had been thinking about it all day and in an effort to calm my mind, I took a hint from Rinoa and retreated to the beach earlier that day.
I returned to Garden that night a little more relaxed, but still swimming with thoughts of Quistis. I wanted to talk to her, as crazy as that sounds. I wanted to tell her that she'd be seeing no more of my late night visits and would be receiving no banter from me next time we crossed paths. I wanted to tell her we were through and that it was all done. I was going to do it.
I looked at my watch. 12:16AM. She'd be up. I rode the elevator up to the teacher's wing and knocked on the familiar door of 306 and waited anxiously for her to open. But no one came. Just silence. I suddenly felt stupid. I wanted to talk to Quistis about us being done... She'd find it ironic and sad. She'd say there is no "us" and whatever had happened between us had been "done" for quite some time.
I closed my eyes. As much as I wanted this all to be done it wasn't going to stop anytime soon. I couldn't help but tie myself back up to Quistis. I couldn't just drop out of these feelings just because I wanted to. I had to slowly work my way out of her snare, out of the emotional coma she had put me in.
I walked away from the room, feeling even dumber and worse than before. I didn't want to be alone at that moment; a first for me. I had been alone all day and I just couldn't do it anymore. I needed to go see Rinoa.
I found my way to Rinoa's dorm and I prayed she was home. I was about to knock but stopped myself. Was I really this desperate? Did Quistis really make me feel this desperate that I had to run to another person to comfort me? I had been dealing with this by myself for so long, so why now? Why Rinoa? Rinoa...
But before I could back out on the idea, the door creaked open cautiously and she appeared from the crack in the door.
She looked puzzled.
"Squall?" she asked, in a bit of a strained voice.
"Um." I didn't know what to say. I wasn't planning on even knocking, let alone saying something. "Hi."
"What's going on?" she asked as she opened the door wider. She stumbled a bit.
"Um, well," I began but I couldn't help but notice that she was swaying. "Are you all right?" I asked. She nodded strangely. Was she....
"Are you drunk?" I asked plainly.
She laughed and smacked my chest playfully.
"You caught me!" she smiled. I couldn't help but smile, too. Her playfulness fell from her face and she smiled up at me. "That's four."
"What?" How drunk was she?
"This is the fourth time I've seen you smile," she said, her own smile glowing. I twisted my lips and took the smile from my face, embarrassed.
"Gah, I really have to stop telling you you're smiling. You always get rid of it," she sighed.
"So," she started. "What did you come by for?" she asked, curious. She stepped aside, allowing me entrance but I remained outside.
I didn't know what to say to her. Why did I come by... Because I need human interaction for once in my life and you're the only person I even remotely enjoy being around.
I remained silent for a while, mulling over what to say. She cocked her head curiously, wondering just what I was doing.
"Is something wrong?" she asked, concerned.
"No, I..." I made up an excuse. "Thought I left something of mine here, but I don't think I did," I rambled. She looked at me confused, not buying my lie at all.
"Oh, um, all right then," she said curiously, obviously not wanting to push me further.
We stood in silence for another moment. "Okay, good night," I said and began to walk away.
God, that was terrible. I'm so fucking dumb. I wanted to be with her, but I couldn't find the appropriate excuse to stay there. And I needed an excuse because the truth would never do. I mentally kicked myself for being stupid enough to think she would just magically let me in, no questions asked and fix all my problems.
But before I could get too far down the hall I felt a tug on my arm. I looked down to find Rinoa grabbing onto me.
"Look, I don't know why you've come here and it's very apparent you're not going to tell me, but if you want to come back later just knock. I'll be up for a while. I won't even ask why you're here. Promise." There was compassion in her voice.
Why did she know exactly what to say? I wanted to run right back into her room, but all I could do was nod. I pulled my arm away from her grasp and waved a miniscule goodbye. She gave a sad, crooked smile and I felt her watch me walk down the hall.
What was I doing? I was making nothing but bad decisions all day. I wanted to pull away from Quistis so I could end the torment... but why was I pulling away from Rinoa? I didn't know and the fact that I didn't pissed me off. I was done thinking. I was sick of thinking. And I couldn't stop. I felt fucking crazy. All I wanted to do was just relax with Rinoa. So why the fuck wasn't I?
I paused for a moment in my walk down the hall. I had to stop thinking. It had gotten me nothing, except frustration. I had to just do and not over analyze, at least for right now.
I turned around and found Rinoa standing there, as if she had been waiting for me to come back this whole time. I made my way back to her and stood before her.
"Would you like to come in?" she asked with a smile as she gestured towards her door.
I nodded.
"Can we talk?" I asked.
She nodded.