"Welcome back to Soul Society's head captain campaign, where I, Nanao Ise, am here with Captain of Squad 10, Toshiro Hitsugaya. I see you took a humorous approach to your campaign, captain," Nanao said calmly.
"I did not," the invisible captain replied calmly as someone hurried out with a box. The box was placed at the foot of the podium, and Toshiro stepped onto the box to be head-height with the microphone. Much better. "My slogan," he began, "is simply truthful and perfectly honest. I am not short; I am pocket-sized, for your convenience, and all I get are complaints. Why do I feel the need to stress this fact? Because I am no longer a child and am certainly capable of being head captain."
Nanao stood up, straightened her glasses, and collected her clipboard again. She sighed.
"What makes you think you have what it takes to be head captain?" she asked calmly.
"If I can control Rangiku Matsumoto, I can rule the world," the small captain recited.
"Right. Okay. I could believe that," Nanao admitted. "If you become head captain – no promises – what would be the first thing you do?"
Toshiro looked momentarily thoughtful.
"I would like to, first of all, make certain that no members of the 13 Court Guard Squads drink while on duty. It is simply a disgrace to Seireitei and to the higher ranking officers above them. Secondly, I would like to begin the trend of an entrance evaluation and breathalyzer test so that no one can join and then wake up the next day with a serious headache and no memory of having joined. I also want to have a dress code for all Soul Reapers, besides the black shihakusho, that no Soul Reaper can have more than two inches of chest showing at one time, male and female," Toshiro finished proudly. Nanao blinked.
"Well, captain," she said, sounding amazed. "You have my vote, certainly. I don't think anyone has ever really taken a deep look into the things that Seireitei truly needs, like you have. That shows true dedication."
"Oh, I've looked deeply; very, very deeply," Toshiro said with feeling, wincing as he remembered a certain time when he bumped into Matsumoto (or, rather, her cleavage) one time and had almost been asphyxiated before Matsumoto even realized he was stuck.
Nanao nodded appreciatively as she looked back down at her clipboard. "Last question, captain. Please answer truthfully. What will you aspire to do as head captain?"
"Grow a foot and two inches so that I am eye-level with Matsumoto and not her cleavage," the captain replied promptly. "To do that, I will remember to eat my vegetables and drink milk every day."
Nanao blinked.
"Right." She looked slightly confused as someone suddenly hurried onto the platform and immediately headed for Captain Hitsugaya. There was a moment of urgent whispering.
"Excuse me," the captain said with a sigh of one long-suffering. "I have just heard that my lieutenant and the captain of Squad 3 have taken up residence in a broom closet and are proceeding to gnaw each other's faces off. I must attend to these… squad matters, but I will return in time for the voting session. Thank you for having me."
Nanao watched the captain hop off the box (there was another bout of snickering) and disappear, his large poster rolling after him as it was hauled offstage to make room for the next, which came on in a moment.
There were some shocked gasps, and more than one Squad 4 member in the audience fainted. The Squad 11 captain that leered evilly from the poster, sword poised, prompted even Nanao to let out a sudden shriek and scramble to hang on to her clipboard. She straightened her glasses quickly and tried to look business-like.
"Er… Squad 11 captain, Zaraki Kenpachi," she said, and winced as the muscle bulk of Unohana's rival strolled onto the platform and took up his spot by the podium. A small figure scrambled after him, lugging a huge sack.
"Hi," Nanao said sheepishly. "Um… reason for your… um… slogan?"
"As you can see," the Squad 11 captain began almost lazily. "It says 'Drinking, stealing, and fighting.' As you can also see, if you have eyes, 'drinking' and 'stealing' are crossed off, leaving 'and fighting' as my slogan."
"And candy!" Yachiru grinned from the floor and kicked over the humongous sack. Peppermint sticks, gum, sucking candies, mints, caramels, confetti candy, and more tumbled out onto the stage. There were 'oohs' and 'ahs' from the crowd.
"And candy," Kenpachi relented. "Therefore, my slogan is 'and fighting and candy.'"
Nanao nodded, trying desperately to look interested.
"Nice… er… slogan," she said. She cleared her throat. "What makes you think you have what it takes to be head captain?"
"Muscles," Kenpachi replied.
"And an adorable lieutenant," Yachiru spoke up.
"Um… captain… technically this is supposed to be your interview-type-thing, and your lieutenant is not allowed to… um… be onstage at this crucial time please-don't-kill-me."
Kenpachi gave the cowering Nanao a Look, and Yachiru mirrored the murdering gaze, prompting 'aw' from the audience.
"Okay, okay, she can stay," Nanao said quickly. "If you become… er… head captain, what would be the first thing you do?"
"Start a fight with Central 46," Captain Kenpachi said, grinning from ear-to-ear. Nanao nodded.
"Take over the World of the Living candy-making industry," Yachiru piped up.
"Perfectly… not unacceptable, very high… possibility… of that. Right, um… next question. What will you aspire to do as head captain?" Nanao asked, looking grateful for the last question. Captain Kenpachi let out a long, slow sigh.
"As head captain," he began, "I will make sure that no Soul Reaper can join the 13 Court Guard Squads without a good fight. Put simply, they'd have to get past me first. Deaths in the first year or so are considered accidental, and after that they are considered allowed. Yachiru would become the new captain of Squad 11 and watch over things in my stead."
"Yay, Ken-chan!" Yachiru cheered.
"Drinking and stealing are not allowed, but 'and fighting,' my slogan, is encouraged. As well as candy," the captain added as an afterthought. "Anything soft will be strictly outlawed. There must be something within arms' reach at every time that could be used at a weapon. A gardener will be hired to keep potted plants strategically placed around Seireitei for easy access. We will also build an underground bunker with a secret entrance that only Yachiru and me're allowed in."
"Thank you," Nanao said, before he began another sentence. "That will be all, captain." She was about to breathe a sigh of relief when the captain raised a hand.
"Not quite," he said, grinning. "Anyone who doesn't vote for me will be forced to donate blood to Squad 4 without their consent."
"Thank you," Nanao said weakly. She waved him offstage, almost shooing the captain, and Yachiru followed with the bag of candy, her mouth full as she contentedly sucked on a peppermint stick. Nanao put her head in her hands.
"Drinking is starting to sound pretty good about now, isn't it?" asked the cheerful voice of her captain behind her. Nanao sighed.
"Next captain," she droned, ignoring Kyoraku behind her. "Captain Mayuri Kurotsuchi of Squad 12, also head of the Department of Research and Development."
"Thank you," drawled the sickeningly sweet voice of Mayuri Kurotsuchi, as his lieutenant Nemu singlehandedly dragged his picture out onto the stage. The picture depicted his grinning face, titled 'Egotistical maniacs of the world, unite!'
Captain Kurotsuchi took his place at the podium, his fingers curling around the edges of the wood.
"I am very glad to be here," he said, hungrily eyeing the crowd, which drew back as one. "I was short of certain specimens necessary for the 'development' part of 'research,' and it looks like I shall not leave empty-handed. Before that, however, I shall answer your foolish questions so as to please the higher-ups.
"I deserve to be head captain because I am the only one smart enough to take on a job such as this," he said coolly. "Simply put, no one else has the brain capacity or the resources to direct something like this except for me. Everyone else is either female, which would be a disgrace, or, simply put, an idiot. For that reason and that reason alone, I should be the next head captain.
"However, that is not all. The first things I will do when I become head captain is move Seireitei's funds to the Department of Research and Development as well as deem members of certain squads as specimen-control units. I will need twenty-seven specimens for the first month and have calculated a total of twelve for the second month, provided we can reuse at least half of last month's resources. When I become head captain, because I am certain that everyone will vote for my charismatic personality and infallible methods, I aspire to prove that scientists can achieve not only great things, but also be unstoppable and dastardly handsome while proceeding to take over the world."
So saying, the captain licked a finger and moved a tiny strand of blue hair away from his forehead and back under his ridiculous hat. He cleared his throat to continue.
"I will make sure that lieutenants fulfill the work they should accomplish in the time they are given, and don't slack off like the worms they are," Captain Kurotsuchi said with distaste. "To prove this, I will fire all lieutenants who do not do as their captains say. Nemu! Write that down!"
"Yes, Master Mayuri," Nemu replied calmly as she scribbled something into a notebook quickly, her hands moving like lightning across the page.
"Lastly," the captain continued loftily, "I will encourage the use of the Punishment Force and the Maggot's Nest so that all lieutenants, captains, and otherwise will be pressured into following both the written and unwritten rules to the best of their ability and further. Do I make myself clear, Nemu?"
"Yes, Master Mayuri," Nemu replied immediately, going back to her notebook. "Would you like fries with that, sir, or cinnamon twists?"
"Cinnamon twists," the captain replied. He turned back to the crowd. "Thank you all!" he called. "And be sure to vote for Mayuri Kurotsuchi, egotistical maniacs of the world, unite! I have much more important work to attend to so, if you don't mind, I will be leaving now that I have given my statement. Nemu! Hurry it up!"
"Yes, Master Mayuri," Nemu replied, and stowed away the notebook, then headed after the lofty captain as they disappeared, followed closely by the big poster in the background. The new one was almost immediate in coming, and Nanao couldn't help her outburst.
"Last one," she exclaimed giddily. "Please welcome Captain Jushiro Ukitake of Squad 13, who'd better make it quick!"
Two figures hurried out, neither of which was the captain.
"Hello!" the girl, Kiyone Kotetsu, said quickly, waving to the ground. "Our captain couldn't make it today due to—"
The guy, Sentaro Kotsubaki, pushed her aside and cleared his throat. Kiyone gave a short shriek as she hit the ground.
"Due to an unfortunate health problem," he said loftily. "Our captain has sent us in his stead. As you can see, his amazing slogan, which I helped him perfect, reads 'Justice Tea and a side of Liberty Cake.' This, you see, is—"
Kiyone gave Sentaro a hard shove and he tripped, falling flat on his face.
"I helped him perfect it!" she exclaimed. "Me! I did! And the slogan, of course, represents our just and free captain, who only wants to fulfill the needs of the people and become a role model for younger Soul Reapers as well as others around Seireitei! Fellow tea lovers like himself shall no longer be stigmatized! Vote for—"
"Jushiro Ukitake," Sentaro butted in, clapping a hand over Kiyone's mouth. "A just Seireitei is a free one full of delicious tea, without taxes! Justice Tea and a side of Liberty Cake for all! Thank you very much!"
He then proceeded to drag a struggling Kiyone off the stage, leaving people wondering what they had just seen.
"I didn't even need to ask the questions," Nanao said with a little laugh. "I'm free. Free. I will never, ever do this again. Stay for the voting later, people. Goodbye. Sayonara. Up yours, bastards!"
Laughing giddily, Nanao danced off the stage, following after the 'Justice Tea and a side of Liberty Cake' poster, depicting Captain Ukitake with his thumbs up, grinning.
Kyoraku watched her go, shaking his head.
"Time for the voting, it seems," he said with a sigh. "And since poor Nanao-chan is currently indisposed, I shall now take her place and name the winner of the campaign. Due to a landslide of votes that has never before happened in the history of Seireitei and a bit of luck, I, Shunsui Kyoraku, have been named head captain. Free sake for all!"
A huge cheer went up from the crowds, and nobody seemed to remember that voting had not even taken place yet and therefore there could be no 'landslide of votes,' but nobody seemed to care, and newly-appointed Head Captain Kyoraku got his chair at the next captain's meeting, just like he wanted.
Nanao sat bolt upright, cold sweat pouring down the side of her face. Thanks heavens – it was all just a dream. Nanao sunk back deeply into her pillow and rolled onto her side with a sigh of relief. She blinked. A mangled clipboard was sitting on the desk opposite the bed. No… please, no!
"Nanao-chan," came the grating call of her captain. "Has my new Squad 1 haori come in yet? I've got to be on time for this meeting, otherwise someone might steal my chair."
Nanao threw back her head and let out her anguished wail.
"NO!"