The Talk

"Goku, could you come here for a second?" Chichi yelled from the kitchen. She turned away from the dumplings she was preparing and wiped some sweat from her brow. Cooking for 3 saiyans sure did take a lot out of you. Goku jogged into the kitchen and picked an apple off of the dining table.

"What is it, Chi?" he asked through a mouthful of the fruit.

"Well, I need you to give Goten...the talk." Chichi said hesitantly. Goku looked at her, confused.

"What talk?" Goku asked, clueless, as usual. Chichi turned towards her cooking again, trying to hide her worried expression. Did Goku even know what the talk was? Well, he should've, I mean, they already had 2 kids…but then again she kind of had to teach him…uh-oh…

"You know…the birds and the bees?" She hesitated, waiting for him to finally get the message. No such thing happened. She turned to look at him. He had a blank expression on his face.

"Bees? Oh yeah, that reminds me, Goten got stung by a bee and is running around in circles, and now Gohan is running around trying to get him to stop screaming." Goku said, then grinned. Chichi sighed and looked out the window to see her eldest son chasing after her youngest son who was screaming like a lunatic.

"GOTEN, GET BACK HERE! I CAN MAKE IT BETTER!"

"STOP FOLLOWING ME!"

"GOTEN!"

"I LIKE TURTLES!"

"WHAT?"

"STOP FOLLOWING ME!"

"GOTEN!"

Chichi sighed, and ran outside gripping her frying pan tightly in one hand, in a fighting stance. Before Goten could run into her, she whacked him once on the head with her pan o' doom, and she hit him hard. Goten collapsed on the ground, knocked out. Gohan walked over, out of breath, and stared down wide-eyed at his little brother who was now unconscious. He nudged him slightly with his foot.

"Mom, you didn't really-"

"No, Gohan, I didn't kill him. I think. Goku, bring Goten inside and let him get some rest. Gohan, go inside and study, you can invite Videl over if you want. Goku, when you've dropped Goten off in his room meet me back in the kitchen. I need to talk to you." Goku slung Goten over his shoulder and began walking inside. Gohan dashed inside, probably on his way to call Videl and see if she wanted to come over to…study… Chichi let out an exasperated sigh and walked back into the kitchen and got back to making those dumplings of hers. Goku strolled in and walked up behind Chichi. He slowly reached his hand over to stealthily grab a dumpling when—

*SMACK* His head met that frying pan.

"Goku!"

"OUCH, CHI, THAT HURTS!"

"It's not time to eat yet, Goku…do you know what the talk is, yes or no?" Chichi asked, growing tired of beating around the bush. Goku looked confused and Chichi growled to herself. This was impossible!

"Goku, do you remember what we had to do to make Gohan and Goten?" she asked seductively, hoping it would trigger some memories.

"Well yeah, we had to go to the doctor's a whole lot and for a little while you ate as much as me and got really fat and—"

"SHUT UP!"

"Sorry Chi," Goku said, standing in the classic Son pose: Hand behind neck, laughing nervously. She looked at her clueless husband with an even more seductive grin and stepped closer, putting her hand on his chest.

"No Goku, before that…"she whispered huskily. Goku looked confused.

"You mean sex?" he asked, as if she should've just said that the whole time. They heard a cough and turned to see Gohan standing in the doorway of the kitchen, his eyes wide. Goku's expression didn't change, he still looked confused, but Chichi was laughing nervously.

"Gohan, sweetie…is…umm, is Videl coming over?" she asked, as if changing the subject would make him forget what he had just heard and or seen. His eyes were still wide and his mouth popped open in shock.

"Sickos…" he muttered after he composed himself, walking away. He walked into his room and shut the door. Chichi turned back to Goku.

"Okay Goku, now do you know what I want you to talk to Goten about when he recovers from me hitting him with my frying pan?"

"You want me to tell him what sex is?"

"Yes but stop saying the word!"

"Why?"

"Because it is inappropriate to children!"

"Goten doesn't know about sex?"

"THAT'S WHY YOU'RE GOING TO EXPLAIN IT TO HIM!"

"Oh…" Chichi looked at her husband, wondering about how badly this would end on a scale of 1-10. Her guess was 11. Ha, no it wasn't. It was more along the lines of 693. Yeah…

"Well, Chichi, he's kind of only seven years old, don't you think he's too young?"

"YOUR SENDING MY LITTLE BROTHER TO MILITARY SCHOOL? Wait…what?" Chichi and Goku turned their heads to see Gohan standing in the doorway to the kitchen again, with an apple in hand.

"GOHAN, WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT EAVESDROPPING?"

"So you are sending him to military school!" he shouted, pointing his finger at his mother accusingly. Chichi glared at him and he took two steps back.

"Son Gohan, I raised you and you will not speak to me in that tone, or point your finger at me young man. And we are not sending him to military school, we need to give your little brother…" she coughed and murmured, "the talk…"

"Oh Dende…" he muttered under his breath.

*Back at Kami's Lookout*

"WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP GETTING ANGRY AT ME? IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT CHICHI IS GIVING GOTEN SOMETHING CALLED THE TALK!" Dende yelled in frustration. From where Piccolo was sitting and meditating his eyes popped open wide and he coughed.

"Yeah, uh, Dende, about that, I think, you being guardian of the Earth, we need to talk about that…"

"But, what is it?"

"Uhhh…"

*Back at the Son House*

"Gohan, this completely slipped my mind! I suppose we need to give you the talk too!" The saiyan teen choked on air and looked at his mother, mortified.

"Uhh…no…I uh…already know what happens…hehe." He said, blushing a deep red. Before his mother could interrogate him further and make that moment even more awkward than it already was he ran into his room and shut the door. Gohan breathed a sigh of relief and sat down on his bed, as he began to remember how he had come across "the talk" about a month ago… let's just say that the surprise sex education video caught him off guard. Especially since he had to be in the same room as the girls. And his GIRLFRIEND was sitting next to him. But that's a story for another time. Gohan sighed.

'I wish you the best of luck, squirt' thought Gohan to himself. Alright, let's get back to Goku and Chichi.

"Okay Chichi, so, let me get this straight…you want me tell the boys about—"

"DON'T SAY THE WORD!"

"Whoops, sorry…but why can't you do it?" Goku asked his exasperated wife. This whole thing didn't make any sense to him. Chichi looked at him, lost in thought.

"Because I'm a woman!" she finally replied.

"So, because you don't have a wee-wee you can't talk to them about it?"

"Because I don't have a what?"

"What? Oh, wee-wee?" Goku asked her, puzzled at why she asked. Chichi looked at her seemingly hopeless husband dumbstruck. Did he just call it a wee-wee? Okay, it was time to consider 'Plan A' failed and move on to 'Plan B'; videos.

"I'm hungry, Chi!"

"You'll get food later, Goku."

"AWWWWWW!"

"DON'T QUESTION MY AUTHORITY!"

"Sorry…" Chichi walked briskly into their bedroom and came back with a boxed set of DVDs. She hollered at the top of her lungs for the boys to get in the living room. Goten sped into the room and skidded to a stop in front of the T.V. and his mother.

"What is it mommy? I'm tired. Why does my head hurt? Hey, hey mommy, can Trunks come over?" the little boy asked. Gohan came around the corner and into the living looking just plain old tired.

"What is it mom?" he asked, uninterested.

"You boys are going to watch some educational movies." Goten's face lit up in excitement as soon as heard the word movie, but Gohan narrowed his eyes suspiciously. Their mother inserted the movie into the DVD player and watched the screen come to life. She quickly left the room, ordering them to stay put.

*2 hours later*

Long story short; Gohan had passed out and was on the ground, and Goten was weeping.

Chichi walked in startled to see the sight and soon Goku followed.

"So Chichi, when do you want me to give them the talky thingy?" he asked. She hesitated, and after some thought asked,

"Goku, would you like to watch some movies?"