The Talk

Author's Note: Sorry this is late, guys! Hope you enjoy it! Read and Review!

Piccolo sighed. He knew that this day would come sooner or later, but did he really have to be the one to do it? The poor Namek would much rather do anything else, as opposed to giving Dende… the talk.

Besides, he barely knew much about this stupid Earthling custom, but both Trunks and Goten had received the talk, and they were both younger than Dende, so he supposed that Dende should know exactly what it's about, him being guardian of the Earth and all. All Piccolo knew about the subject was that it went over mating. He had learned the process of their strange mating when the guys of the Z-Gang had all gotten together, and invited him to come. Let's just say it was pretty awkward for him to sit and listen to their "wild sex stories" at their get together. So, being the curious yet rather blunt person that he is, he asked about it, and received explanation quite quickly, along with a few giggles from Krillin. So, he had to give Dende this talk. That couldn't be too hard, right?

Before talking to Dende, Piccolo tried speaking to Mr. Popo, to see if he would be of any help. As we all know, he obviously wasn't. The poor guy barely understood what it meant. And, well, Piccolo was just downright too embarrassed to talk to his former pupil, Gohan, about this either. He figured he would probably just wing it and try telling Dende about it the very next time he saw him, instead of pushing it to the side like he usually did. Piccolo sighed and tried meditating again to clear his cluttered mind, when Dende came walking over, looking quite distressed.

"Piccolo!" he called out. Piccolo opened one eye and looked at Dende in his meditating position. Dende blushed, embarrassed. "Sorry, Piccolo, I didn't meant to disturb you, but, Gohan just flew up here talking about something like, 'disturbing videos' and 'the talk'. What's that?" he asked curiously. Piccolo looked around frantically. He didn't want to have to talk to him about it! What would he say? He knew the basics, but how exactly was he supposed to tell him about it? Humans were crazy, with the kinds of things that they did! So, he shuddered and cleared his throat.

"Um, well, I believe it has to do, with…um, human mating…rituals." He stammered out. Dende looked at him confused. Piccolo was never nervous! Why was he acting that way?

"Uh, Piccolo, are you okay?" he asked worried.

"Yeah, I'm fine." He replied, trying to think of how to word it. "You see, Dende…there comes a time in every Namek's life, when…they get, uh, feelings…" he said, completely and totally winging it. Dende was growing more confused by the second? Feelings? What the hell was he talking about? "Well, when they get these…uh…"

"Feelings?"

"Yes, feelings…uh, they, well, it's when a Namek, starts to grow…and, mature…" Okay, now Piccolo was just pulling things out of his Namekian ass.

"Piccolo, I'm lost. What are you trying to tell me?" Dende asked, trying to get him to get to the point.

"Don't rush me, Dende." He said sternly. Dende nodded, waiting for him to continue. "Well, when they, um…"

"Mature?"

"Yeah, that. When they mature, they, uh, get those feelings we talked about, around the, uh, opposite gender, so in order to…uh, let those feelings out, they…"

"Piccolo, are you trying to tell me what sex is?" he asked. Piccolo looked wide eyed at the Namekian teen.
"You already knew what it was?" he asked.

"…I'm the guardian of the Earth. I see things, like, what happens when Bulma and Vegeta get bored at night. Some things you can never UNSEE!" he exclaimed, shuddering slightly. Piccolo continued looking wide eyed.

"So…you know what happens, when you, uh, mature?" he asked. Dende looked at Piccolo for a minute, thinking. Piccolo grew more agitated by the minute. "What?"

"Piccolo, you do realize that us Nameks are asexual, and don't need the talk, at all, right?"

"…"

"…"

"Yeah, uh…I knew that…" Piccolo muttered. Dende nodded his head, still pretty shocked at what had just happened. "But just so you know kid, sometimes, if you ever get bored, you can always take your antennae and—"

"PICCOLO!" Dende exclaimed. Piccolo only chuckled and went back to his meditating. Even though that whole ordeal was embarrassing, at least he didn't have to go through the whole entire talk, like Goku and Vegeta did. He sighed in relief and went back to trying to clear his mind of everything that just happened.

Dende finally calmed down and went back to his duties that included being Guardian of the Earth. He looked out over the vast lookout, and breathed a sigh of relief. Even though that had been pretty awkward, he was glad he hadn't had to go through the whole thing. He smiled slightly. Maybe he would try that antennae thing some—

"OH DENDE, WHAT WAS I THINKING?"

Oh great, now he was talking to himself.

He knew one thing for sure though.

Humans were weird.