We do not own Lord of the Rings. We do however own a large assortment of plastic rings with spiders on them.
Gandalf shrugged and turned back to the Balrog. "You shall not pass!" he said imposingly.
The Balrog took a tentative step forward.
"YOU, SHALL NOT, PASS!" roared Gandalf. He lifted the sparkling new staff and brought it down to the ground with a small "thud."
"Er…" Gandalf said sheepishly. The Balrog cocked his head.
Gandalf brought the staff down again. Again, nothing happened. The Balrog took another step forward.
Gandalf smacked his staff violently against the ground. "Why – isn't – it – working?" He asked with every dull thud.
The Balrog continued to advance.
"Damn it!" Gandalf cried, frustrated. He threw his staff off the bridge and muttered, "That's the last time I buy anything from a travelling salesgnome."
"Oh, come on!" yelled Aragorn.
"Yeah, you died and came back to life. I was expecting something more impressive," Boromir complained.
"Well you know, it's hard enough without your ungratefulness, being the only wizard around here… I have to do everything myself!" Gandalf whined.
"Look, look, Gandy, I'm playing the world's smallest violin!" Gimli called jokingly across the bridge.
"No you're not." Pippin pointed out helpfully.
"Excuse me, but can you all shut up so that I can kill you?" the Balrog asked pleasantly.
They stared at him, petrified.
"I'll give you five minutes," the Balrog said, turning his back on them and drumming his fingers on the stone stairs… which promptly collapsed.
Gandalf advanced upon the fellowship and said, "We have two choices. One, I can attempt to fight him. Two, we run like hell."
"Our first option failed miserably, so…" Aragorn started.
"So let's RUN!" Frodo bellowed.
The Fellowship pelted out of the Mines of Moria as the orchestra played their heartening theme song. When they exited Moria they found some jagged rocks. They all sat down and some of them began crying.
"Wait, what? Why are you crying?" Aragorn asked Frodo.
Sam and Merry sobbed noisily into each others' shoulders. Pippin tore at his hair.
"Am I missing something?" Aragorn asked, utterly confused.
"Where's Gandalf?" asked Legolas.
And that is when they heard a deafening roar.
"THE BALROG GOT GALDALF!" Sam yelled through his sobs.
"WHAT? That isn't possible!" Aragorn exclaimed.
"He was right behind me!" Boromir told them.
"Yes, but then he tripped," Gimli added.
They all turned to Gimli.
"And?" prompted Aragorn.
"And I was too frickin lazy to help him, okay?" Gimli said angstily.
"NO!" Frodo screamed.
Aragorn stared at the outer wall of Moria for a moment, and then said, "We have to go. Come on."
"This road trip really sucks," complained a still-sniffling Merry.
The Fellowship was now running through some green grass. They reached the Lothlorien woods. Aragorn turned to the Fellowship that he now, once again, after the briefest of interludes in which Gandalf had returned, was in charge of.
"We will be safe here. The elves protect their borders economically."
"What does THAT mean?" Sam asked.
"You'll see," Aragorn said.
As they entered the woods, Gimli tripped over a pylon.
"And there you have it. The elves protect their borders economically," Aragorn said smugly.
As they plodded onwards, warily searching for more pylons, Gimli pulled Frodo and Sam close. You know, to tell them something.
"Stay close, young hobbits. They say that a great Sorceress lives in these woods. An elf-witch. All who look upon her fall under her spell, and are never seen again," he whispered.
Legolas snorted. "You know, I heard a good one once about this city of dwarves where they dug really deep trying to get rich on mithril, got trapped by hordes of orcs, and released a frigging demon. And then they all died horrible deaths."
Gimli glared at him, but continued, "Well, here's one dwarf she won't ensnare so easily. I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox."
"Yeah, I was wondering about those. They make you look really stupid," Legolas joked.
Gimli glared some more. Suddenly, he impaled his helmet on an arrow. It was held in place on a bow by an elf, who rolled his eyes and yanked the arrow out of the dwarf's helmet.
"We could have shot you in the dark," another elf informed him.
"Yeah, because he's… fat!" Sam spluttered spitefully.
"Why does everyone keep picking on me?" Gimli asked angrily.
"Because you didn't help Gandalf," Aragorn said.
"Fine. What can I do to make it up to you?" Gimli asked.
"Well, if no one else has any suggestions, you can start by cleaning off your blood from my arrow. You're lucky you're so short. I was aiming for a heart but instead I got your thick-skulled head," the elf said.
"You have bad knowledge of anatomy," Aragorn informed him, comparing the location of his heart to Gimli's wound.
"I'm Haldir," said a random elf randomly.
"Er. Hi. I'm Aragorn," Aragorn said, when no one else spoke.
"Yes, we know," Haldir said. "We also know Legolas, and the rest of you we don't care about."
But then, he saw Frodo. He said, "You bring great evil here. You cannot enter."
"Ouch," said Frodo, offended.
"But we need a place to stay!" Aragorn yelled at Haldir.
"Fine, you can come in, but not him," Haldir said, gesturing to Frodo. "And neither can the dwarf. Or you," he added, pointing to Boromir.
"What's wrong with me?" asked Boromir.
"You've got buck teeth," Haldir said.
"No I don't," Boromir said, pulling out a compact mirror and glancing at his reflection in admiration.
"Oh. Well, then I guess you can come in," Haldir said resignedly.
"We can't leave Frodo!" Sam said hysterically.
"Yeah," Merry agreed.
"Or Gimli," said Aragorn reluctantly.
"No, you can leave me, I hate elves," Gimli said.
"But we can't leave Frodo," Sam said stubbornly.
"No we can't. He is my second cousin, once removed on his mother's side," declared Pippin sternly.
Haldir raised his eyebrows.
"Oh, just let us in," Aragorn pleaded. "I'll give you a…" Aragorn searched frantically for something to bargain with. "A leaf!" he said victoriously.
"A leaf?" repeated a random elf incredulously.
"Yes!" Boromir jumped to Aragorn's aid. "Look, it's a beautiful leaf from this – er – birch tree."
"That's an oak," Haldir informed them.
"An oak leaf? Even better!" Boromir exclaimed. He picked a leaf off of the tree – and it was utter mayhem.
"DAMAGE A TREE, WILL YOU?" shrieked tirades of elves who appeared out of nowhere.
"HOW DAAAAAARE YOU!" Haldir bellowed.
"Sorry!" Boromir exclaimed, shocked. "I'll just… Put it back then…" And he tried to tie the leaf back to the branch, but then the tree shattered into a million pieces.
"Unnnnng…" Boromir said.
"SEIZE THEM!" screamed a random elf, as some elves fell to the ground, frothing at their mouths.
The Fellowship of NINE sat locked in an elf prison, guarded by many ferocious pylons.
"I never liked these elves." Legolas muttered suddenly. "When I was a wee lad of 79, they stole my toy trains."
"Legolas, I don't think trains have been invented yet." Merry said.
"Yes they have," Legolas said smugly. "Otherwise I wouldn't have toy ones, now would I?"
Haldir appeared, accompanied by two pointy elves.
"It is time for your trial," Haldir informed the Fellowship.
Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, Gimli, Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin stood up and exited their cell. They followed Haldir through some glowing trees and found themselves at a very beauteous courtroom.
"Lothlorien is the home of Lord Celeborn and his wife, Galadriel, Lady of Light." Haldir informed him. Suddenly, the group halted. Haldir spoke again. "And this is a manky old boot." He gestured with pride to a column, atop of which lay a dirty brown boot.
"Lovely," Aragorn said in a falsely cheerful voice.
They moved into the courtroom and sat down in the defendant area. After a few minutes, the courtroom was full of elves. They all muttered gracefully and shot curious glances at the Fellowship.
A judge elf and two evil-looking elves walked in and took their places as a judge and two prosecutors. And then Celeborn and Galadriel entered. They sat in the back and stared for a bit.
Indeed, everyone was staring at each other. From Aragorn, to Merry, to Legolas, to the manky old boot and back again.
The judge eld said, "Case 4820927134927628493612838363: The elves of Lothlorien against the Fellowship of the Ring. Who is defending you?" the judge asked.
"Er… I'll do it," Aragorn said resignedly.
"How do you plead?" The judge asked.
"We plead insanity," Aragorn said smoothly.
"Insanity?" the judge asked, shocked.
"Yes," Aragorn said.
"Surely Lord Elrond wouldn't send insane people to destroy the One Ring?" the judge said. "If you are lying, you will be punished."
No one spoke. No one breathed. The group of NINE were rapidly turning blue.
"Call your witness," the judge said, sighing.
"The defence calls Legolas, son of Tharanduil, Prince of some murky woodland area that is so much better than this horrendous place," Aragorn said clearly. There was graceful but distinctly offended muttering from the crowd.
Legolas glided to the witness box.
"Legolas, is it true that at one or more points in your long life that you have accidentally eaten a pear when you meant to eat an apple?" Aragorn asked.
"Er… No," Legolas answered.
"I rest my case," said Aragorn. He sat down.
One of the prosecutor elves stood up. "Eight there are here, yet nine there were set out from Rivendell," he said.
"That's my line," muttered Celeborn angrily.
"OBJECTION!" Aragorn called. "Your honour, this is a group of NINE. NINE, do you hear me?"
"Sustained," the judge said.
"Tell me, where is Gandalf, for I much desire to speak with him," the prosecutor continued.
"A Balrog of Morgoth," Legolas said.
"What did you say?" asked the prosecutor.
"A Balrog of Morgoth," confirmed Legolas.
"What did you say?" asked the prosecutor once more.
"A BALROG OF MORGOTH BIT HIS WIZARD HEAD OFF NOW STOP ASKING ME STUPID QUESTIONS!" Legolas shouted.
There was stunned silence.
"Oh my – I'm sorry!" Legolas said quickly. "It's just, I'm upset about Gandalf, and I've been travelling with a dwarf for the past week."
Many of the elves nodded sympathetically, some behind horrified hands at their mouths.
"No further questions," the prosecutor said. Legolas returned to his seat.
"The defense calls Boromir of Gondor," Aragorn said.
Boromir sat in the witness box. Aragorn said, "Nothing further." Everyone looked at him for a while and then one of the prosecutor elves began questioning Boromir.
"What's the matter with you, Aragorn? You're going to get us all in more trouble than we are already in! They'll contact Elrond soon!" Legolas hissed.
"No no no, it'll be fine," Aragorn whispered. He beckoned the others towards him. "Here's the plan. While Gimli is on the stand, we all run away and jump in those pretty little row boats. Okay?"
"And leave me here?" Gimli asked angrily.
"Yes, to make up for you leaving Gandalf. If you survive, you will be completely forgiven." Aragorn said. Gimli snarled.
"They're Taking the Hobbits to Isengard". Youtube it. Funny stuff. Also, there's nothing wrong with buck teeth. Elves are just shallow. At least, that's what Gimli told me once.