The next morning, as the Uruks hid in the trees planning their attack strategy, Frodo sat against a boulder and surveyed the ring.

He turned it over and over in his hands, certain that he could HEAR the ring talking to him, saying, "Hey there, little guy. I'm going to destroy you and all your friends. So ha." However, it was just Merry whispering in his ear to freak him out while Pippin giggled into his hands.

But then, Frodo heard something that made him jump two feet in fright.

"Hey there, Frodo," came the terrible sound. "Whacha doing?"

"Uh, nothing, Buck-tooth – er, uh, I mean, Boromir." Frodo was sure everyone would think him crazy if they knew he believed that the ring could talk.

"That's a pretty thing, isn't it? Hard to believe it's the single most evil object in the entire history of the world."

"Uh huh," Frodo agreed warily.

"In fact, I don't believe it at all," Boromir grinned, staring hungrily at the ring. "Give it to meeeeeeeee. Now."

Frodo gazed at him for a moment, and then took off screaming into the trees. Frodo was running like a mad-hobbit. His arms flailed wildly and he shrieked like nothing had ever shrieked before. Boromir was left puzzled, as if he had just woke from a daze, and he stared after him. "Oh no," said he (Boromir), "He(Frodo)'s going to plunge into that wall of Uruk-hai!"

For there indeed was a wall of Uruk-hai, standing right in front of Frodo, who did not see them.

So brave Boromir leapt after Frodo nimbly and began howling furiously for dramatic effect. Frodo looked behind him, and thinking Boromir was now trying to take the ring for himself, screamed and held the ring out as far in front of him as his little hobbit-arm could stretch.

And seeing the one ring, and understanding far better than his comrades, Lurtz, the head Uruk-hai, promptly held out his hand for it as Frodo drew ever nearer.

"STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP! THERE'S URUK-HAI! FRODO, NOOOOO!" bellowed Boromir.

And he sprang foreword to wrench the ring from Frodo as it neared the lustful hands of Lurtz. And Frodo, seeing this in his periphery vision, halted and sucked his arm back in with surprisingly quick reflexes. And Boromir sailed fruitlessly over Frodo's head. And he landed on his face in the midst of the Uruk-hai.. And Frodo finally saw the Uruks. And he fainted.

Frodo opened his eyes slowly, the world around him swimming. He looked up and saw the Uruks surrounding him. In his terror, the first thing Frodo thought to do was put on the ring which was tightly enclosed in his hand.

The Uruks disappeared.

"... Well, that was handy," Frodo said to himself, looking around in surprise.

Then the great eye of Sauron appeared before him. Frodo yelled out in surprise as the Mouth of Sauron danced into view.

"I SEEEEE YOU!" the mouth sang in delight. "I can sing in delight, because I'm a mouth, you see."

"I see," Frodo agreed breathlessly in fear. "But you don't, you're just a mouth."

The mouth was, temporarily, silenced once again. Frodo took this opportunity to yank the ring off of his finger. He suddenly appeared in the midst of the Uruk-hais again. Twenty or so held Boromir, who was struggling and swearing terrifying Gondorian oaths, stretched out between them.

Frodo sighed in relief because he could no longer hear the Mouth's terrible singing voice. Then he realized he was surrounded by Uruks, distracted though they were, and promptly fainted again.

Back at the campsite, Sam noticed that Frodo was not leaning against his boulder. "Where's Frodo?" he asked.

"Oh dear God! Boromir's shield is still here, and he's nowhere to be found! I should have known there was something suspicious when he told me he had too much Mordor in him," Aragorn exclaimed.

"If I were you, I'd be more concerned about the army of Uruk-hai that are in the forest planning their attack strategy," Legolas said airily.

"Oh God no! Boromir is such a jackass! I'll kill him for killing Frodo! That bastard! I will avenge you, little Hobbit! I swear on my mother's sculpted grave!" Aragorn shrieked. This impassioned speech sent poor Sam into hysterics.

"Oh come on, Sam, Aragorn's just stupid today. There's no reason to suspect Frodo's dead," Gimli honked as he chewed a huge chunk of bread voraciously.

"Yeah, except that THERE's A HUGE URUK-HAI ARMY OUT THERE PLANNING TO KILL US!" Legolas screamed.

Everyone stared at him.

"WELL THERE IS!" he shouted, sounding somewhat more composed.

"Come on men, elves, dwarves, and shorter dwarves! Let's KILL Boromir!" Aragorn declared. Those following him rolled their eyes, but they tore into the woods, and Frodo ran smack into them.

"Boromir – Uruk – hai – ran – fainted first – then ran – auuuuurrrgh," and then he fainted again.

"I shall protect him! You all split up and run around aimlessly," Aragorn commanded.

Once they had left, grumbling, Frodo opened his eyes. "Get away from me!" he yelled, jumping backwards and brandishing Sting at Aragorn.

"I would protect you until the end!" Aragorn said, affronted. "And when the hell did you get Sting? I don't remember that at all!"

"I don't know, I'm really confused. But can you protect me from yourself?" Frodo asked.

"Eh?" Aragorn asked.

"You will all fall in love with the ring, it will destroy you all! I won't have it! I will go to Mount Doom alone!"

"Wow, Frodo, you're actually showing some impressive initiative here. Okay, then, and good luck. I will kill all these Uruks who are standing around eavesdropping on our private conversation. Goodbye!"

Frodo tore off into the bushes, and Aragorn did exactly what he said he would.

Meanwhilst, Gimli and Legolas stood nonchalantly against one tree each. "Do you wanna go fight?" asked Gimli lazily.

"Meh," replied Legolas, watching the battle with a mildly interested expression.

Merry and Pippin had taken off together, and were hiding in some plant life, when Frodo ran screaming down a path near them.

"Frodo! Come hide with us!" hissed Pippin, as some Uruks marched nearby. But Frodo only paused to shake his head and tie his shoe and then he took off again.

"Why's he wearing shoes?" a passing Uruk asked in bewilderment.

"Those were totally last season," the Uruk's companion agreed as they marched off together.

"Where's he going?" asked Pippin stupidly once the Uruks were out of earshot.

"He's leaving!" cheered Merry. "More non-existent pipe-weed for us!"

So they leapt from their hiding place to celebrate, and that is when the Uruks surrounded them.

Boromir ran in all heroically, playing the Rohan national anthem on his Gondor Horn, and fought single-handed the Uruks who had come to take the halflings away.

Aragorn, upon hearing the terrible hooting notes and knowing the stupid song about horses would now be stuck in his head for weeks, rushed away to help.

But Lurtz had withdrawn a deadly arrow from his whatever-you-call-it and had fixed it to his bow. He took aim, and fired.

Merry and Pippin watched, astounded.

But Boromir glanced at his wound, which was a fatal one, and simply continued to fight. Lurtz again aimed and shot, and again Boromir stayed upright. Lurtz shot again, and again, and again, and yet Boromir would not expire.

"NO!" Lurtz howled, because all of his arrows were gone.

One of the Uruks staring curiously at Boromir reached over and pinched him.

"Ow!" Boromir shrieked, and then he collapsed.

Merry and Pippin stood, defenseless.

"Wait, we have daggers!" Merry exclaimed. "That mean lady gave them to us."

"Uh, I sold them," Pippin said sheepishly.

"You sold them? For what?"

"Money," Pippin said dignifiedly. "Which I spent on a bunch of bananas."

The Uruks gathered up the furious Merry and Pippin, who were nevertheless munching on bananas, and ran off towards the east, east being where Isengard is.

But Lurtz stayed. With an evil gleam on his teeth and a terrible growl, he aimed another's arrow directly at Boromir's face.

That was when Aragorn arrived (finally). He surveyed the situation and then launched himself at Lurtz, knocking the latter to the ground. They stood, and stared each other down. Then Lurtz made out with his knife, and the fighting began.

It seemed as though Aragorn would lose, but then, after several minutes of harrowing close-combat, he plunged his sword into the place where Lurtz's heart should have been.

"Ah ha, it's two sizes too small, you missed it!" Lurtz teased. "Also, I'm made out of a thick grey-brown gloop, so, yeah."

Aragorn glared, and then cut Lurtz's arm off.

"Hey!" Lurtz began, but Aragorn's sword was coming around, and it was slicing through the air right at Lurtz's neck.

The Uruk Captain's life flashed before his eyes. He remembered the merry dance he had attended with Jane, Mary, Kitty, and Lydia, and when he had first set eyes on the infuriating Mr. Darcy.

He remembered the condescending way the Bingley's servants had announced him, "Miss Lurtz Bennet." He remembered especially the detestable thing Mr. Darcy had said at that dance, and then when Lydia had run away with the horrid Mr. Wickham –

"ENOUGH OF THAT!" bellowed Aragorn, and Lurtz's head fell to the ground.

"Wow, for a while, we thought you'd die, but you really did it," Gimli commented from against his tree.

"Yeah, that was impressive," Legolas agreed, and then the two stared at each other in horror. They had agreed on something!

"Aaaaaaaragorn!" croaked Boromir.

"Oh no, my younger brother who I had planned to kill up until this moment!" Aragorn exclaimed.

Legolas shook his head. Gimli shook his too. Then they started at each other in horror again.

"I've been such a fool! I tried to take the ring from Frodo. It told me I was pretty. It told me it would make all of my dreams come true. It told me it would help me protect Gondor! And now I don't know what has become of Frodo, and they took them! They took the little ones! The stoner little ones!"

"You have not failed, Boromir. Well, actually, you have, but... let's not talk about that just now. We'll save them."

"Promise me, that you will not let Gondor fall to Sauron."

"Hasn't it already fallen to Sauron, or at least technically, with that crazy coot you call your father running it?"

"OH COME ON YOU BASTARD I'M DYING!"

Aragorn had to agree with that. "Yes. Okay, yes, Boromir. I'll go become King, and I'll protect your city from Sauron. I promise."

"Good. I like that. I approve. But wash your hair first."

"Fiiiine."

"And take care of my brother, Faramir. Introduce him to your cast-offs. He needs some love. He's a good kid. Much better than me. But tell him I said I hate him. Okay no, don't say that. That would be wrong. But, uh, don't tell him I told you he's better than me. I don't want him to get cocky and make all of my mistakes."

"I'll take care of it," said Aragorn, and there was a genuine sadness in his eyes as he watched Boromir take his last breaths.

"What are we going to do with the corpse?" Gimli asked after a collective moment of silence.

"Classy," Aragorn snarled. He was still kneeling beside Boromir.

"Well, we have to get going if we're going to save those guys. You know, the ones. With the hair. And the eating disorders."

Boromir was soon unceremoniously laid in one of the boats. As they stood back to admire their work, Legolas made a suggestion.

"We should put his sword and Gondorian horn with him."

"And my axe!" Gimli agreed uproariously.

Aragorn put Boromir's sword and horn of Gondor over his chest, careful to maneuver them around the many arrows which protruded from him. Gimli contributed by plunging his axe into Boromir's leg.

"Well, goodbye, my brother," Aragorn said softly before kicking the boat violently. It rocked a bit, but then floated down the river.

"Well, let's get Frodo and get out of here," Gimly suggested.

"Umm, about that..." Aragorn said sheepishly. "I kind of sent him to Mordor on his own."

"You what?" Legolas rolled his eyes. "Okay, so it's just the three of us now."

"Aren't we forgetting someone?" Gimli asked, scratching his head.

"It's a Fellowship of nine," Aragorn sighed, with an air of talking to a stubborn child. "Us three, Boromir, Frodo, Merry, Pippin and Gandalf. Nine."

As they set off, Sam appeared, looking around in bewilderment. "Mr. Frodo? Frodo?"

And then he saw him, in his own little boat that he had just whittled, paddling away.

"WAIT, MR. FRODO!" bellowed Sam, and he tried to follow.

"No, Sam! I'm going alone!"

"Okay, and I'm going with you!" Sam agreed.

"No!" Frodo yelled, but still Sam followed. "Sam, you can't swim!"

So Sam began to drown. On land.

"What the!" Frodo asked.

And then Sam coughed, spluttered, and was heaved into Frodo's beached boat with Frodo's help. Sam looked at him gratefully. "Oh, thank you, Mr. Frodo, I should always remember to not go out of my depth. So does this mean that I'm coming with you?"

"Well, I mean, if you're going to die otherwise, I suppose you can come along," Frodo told him, and they paddled through the river running black with the blood of Uruks into the sunset.

You're a mean one, Mr. Lurtz. You've termites in your smile. And you seem to think you are Lizzy Bennet all the whi-hile.