PART TWO: The Angst of the Rings

"Yooooooooou shall not pass!" Gandalf shrieked, and yet still his junk staff refused to work. "You shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall not pass!" Still nothing. "You shall nooooooooooooooot pass!" Zippo.

The staff was chucked into the depths beyond the bridge of khaza-dum. The fellowship whined. The Balrog drummed his fingers patiently. The fellowship took off screaming.

But Gandalf tripped on his uber not-travel-wear robes. He crashed to the stone surface of the bridge. Gimli, the second last one in the line, turned to ogle the fallen wizard.

"Meh," said he, and he left.

The Balrog seized Gandalf. But this was already Gandalf the White (since he had previously been murdered by Saruman), and so without his staff he was still a formidable opponent. Demon and wizard entered into an epic battle.

Roar roar, magic magic, fire and shadow attack pattern alpha, secret fire servicing, flame of Udun pwn, flame of Anor weild win, etcetera.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Frodo screamed, not for the first (or last) time, as he woke.

"What is it, Mr. Frodo?" asked Sam who had not been sleeping but who had instead been crouching inches from Frodo's face, staring at him as he slept.

"Oh Sam, I was dreaming, Sam."

"You were dreaming, Mr. Frodo?"

"Yes, Sam, I was dreaming."

"What were you dreaming, Mr. Frodo?"

"Sam, I was dreaming about Gandalf, Sam."

"Gandalf, Mr. Frodo?"

"Sam, I was dreaming about how Gandalf died, Sam, back in Moria, Sam."

"Yes, Mr. Frodo. He died in Moria. We're all very sad about that, Mr. Frodo."

Gollum, who lurked nearby, said, "Well, they does a lot of useless talksies, doesn't they, precious?"

ELSEWHERE...

"Die!"

"No!"

"Die!"

"No!"

"Die!"

"No!"

"Die!"

"No!"

"Die!"

"No!"

"Die!"

"No!"

"Die!"

"No!"

"Die!"

"No!"

This was an argument between petticoated Lurtz and Boromir. With every screamed, "Die," Lurtz would shoot an arrow, and with every staunch, "No," Boromir would continue to live, looking more and more like a porcupine or a pincushion.

In rushed Aragorn, gallant and heroic.

"I shalt save thee, Boromironi!" he bellowed, brandishing his sword and rushing to engage a stunned Lurtz.

But – ARAGORN WAS NOT WEARING PANTS!

He woke, sweaty and horrified.

"Aragorn, why the hell are you sleeping? We're supposed to be running non-stop to go rescue those hobbits - not the morally responsible ones, but the stoner and the wiseass," Gimli said, as he ran past Aragorn, who was flat on his back wearing a nightcap.

"Yeah, keep up, this was your idea anyway," Legolas called from way ahead.

"Every time I go to sleep randomly in the middle of running non-stop, I have the same dream. I fail to save the gallant Boromir," he said sadly as he got up to follow his comrades.

"No one cares about Boromir. We've moved on," Gimli called bluntly.

"We put him in a boat with his horn," called Legolas, who was so far ahead now that they could scarcely hear him.

"And my axe," added Gimli. It was true. "Although now I have no weapon."

"Don't worry, Gimli, we're used to you being useless," Legolas screamed so that they could hear him.

They ran on.

MEANWHILST...

"AHHHH!" shrieked Pippin, jerking awake.

"What?" Merry asked nonchalantly, lounging in a field chomping on mushrooms.

"I had a terrible dream that these abnormally huge orcs got us, and they dragged us off to our doom with the evil wizard man!"

"Pip, you need to lay off the hallucinogens."

And then they smoked pipe weed and ate mushrooms all day.

And then Pippin actually woke up.

ANOTHER LAME TRANSITION TO SOMEWHERE ELSE...

There was a meadow. In this meadow fluffy little bunnies hopped about munching on big pink flowers. The sun shone and the grass was green and then a herd of deer (with eyelashes, Disney style) came prancing along.

"AHHHH!" Screamed the Uruk who usually carried Pippin as he woke up, since that to an Uruk is a nightmare.