Chapter 6: Have I Done The Right Thing?

I had had just finished the most wonderful dream. I had spent the night with one of my favourite wrestlers, just holding each other as we fell asleep and now I would wake up with him beside me. I smiled to myself as I realised that wasn't a dream at all and I slowly opened my eyes trying to focus on the world around me, and as soon as I could looked over to the sleeping man besides me. My smile turned to a frown when I saw that I was alone. I was absolutely positive I hadn't dreamed it , and even if I was second guessing myself all the evidence including my scattered clothes suggested that it was real as well. I slowly got up, putting on the T shirt I had left draped on the back of the hotel chair last night, and I looked round in utter confusion.

"Stu?" I called out hesitantly but there was no answer I was definitely alone "Fuck sake" I mumbled to myself "It was that good of a night then, huh" I was very close to crying. It's not that I expected much from him, but him leaving without a goodbye made me feel like dirt, a cheap lay that meant absolutely nothing to him. I felt the tears fill my eyes, but I wiped them away determined not to cry over something so trivial, he wasn't worth it, I told myself.

Hang on, I thought hope fluttering in my chest again, perhaps he's had to rush off. I quickly got my phone out hoping against hope that he had left me a message saying why he had had to leave so quickly, but there was nothing. I rushed to the window in the forlorn hope that I would see him and I could call him back, just make him talk to me and tell me what I had done wrong but there was no sign of him.

I slumped back on the bed and closed my eyes thinking back on the night before and trying to think of something I had said that would have made him walk away but I couldn't think of anything. Then the tears began to fall and this time I didn't bother to stop them. I was hurt and I was also so very angry with him, and with myself. I had closed myself away from relationships because I was fed up with getting hurt, being let down, or used and the first time I'd let someone in for a long time it had happened again and ended just the same way as before.

What was it about me that made men treat me like shit and then walk away?; All at once I couldn't wait to get out that hotel and get home, back to my life where I felt safe and comfortable and where no man could hurt me, where I didn't need one and I could pretend that I didn't want one. I got dressed quickly, looking at the crumpled up dress on the floor. I felt physically sick as I looked at it remembering the night id had, I picked it up and to my dismay I could smell Stu's aftershave all over it, I couldn't stand it and threw it across the room never intending to wear it again or even pack it when I left. I told him that it was a bad idea, that it wouldn't work if we got too close, but he'd drawn me in, made me feel good about myself, promised me that he wouldn't walk away after having that night with me. Yet that was exactly what he had done. I had wanted to help him, I wanted to be close to him but by trying to have both I had -no we had -ruined everything completely.

All of a sudden my phone buzzed from its place on the desk, and I saw that there was a new message and it was from Stu. I wasn't sure that I even wanted to read it; my stomach was in knots as my mind raced thinking about what the message could contain and if it would hurt me further. I breathed deeply knowing that nothing could be worse than the feeling I had right now; opened the message, and as I read its contents I felt the tears fall again

"I really don't know how to start this message, and I know that whatever I write will not be good enough; Yesterday was one of the best days I've had for a long time; Meeting you was a really awesome thing to happen, and I was sure that we could work together, I really wanted that to happen as you are one of the only people that have made me feel good about myself. Last night was wonderful, I haven't felt that happy in a long while, but I know that it has stopped us from having a working relationship now and im so sorry about that; I cannot give you any more of myself than I did last night, im not in a position to start a relationship and to be honest I don't even want to. I just thought that the best thing for both of us was to walk away, but leave you with my thanks for turning my life around a little. I can only hope you don't hate me and that maybe in time we could talk again, even if it's only on twitter. Take care, and thank you;

Stu xx"

I don't think I took anything in after the first couple of sentences, my head was in pieces; How the fuck could he say that I made him feel good, that it was awesome meeting me and yet walk away? Fuck this bollocks about not being able to have a working relationship, fuck the condescending comment about still talking on Twitter. He was a coward who can't face the fact he let himself feel again, let himself be drawn in by someone. To say I was angry was an understatement. "I hope he never gets back in the ring" I mumbled angrily to myself thinking that if I saw him now I would punch him in the face! I imagined it a few times before breathing deeply and trying to think more rationally.

I remembered the man I had met yesterday, the one who showed so much sadness in his eyes and in the way he talked. The one who I had managed to get to smile and enjoy himself, and the one who had held me so tenderly during the night and I began to calm myself down after a few more minutes. Whatever I said, I knew I was still worried about him, and about his state of my mind and nothing in his message to me that morning would make me think otherwise; I knew even before last night that to have a working relationship with him I needed to keep my distance, and the fact that we hadn't was both of our faults and not just his. I understood why he felt that this had ruined everything, but had it really?

We were both drunk, we both needed someone at that moment and we had taken what was offered from the other. Yet I couldn't help thinking that perhaps this could work in our favour rather than the other way round; Last night had given me so much more of an insight into the man, what made him tick, what his fears were, what his desires were, and more importantly what kind of man he was when he allowed himself to feel, to hope and to dream.

All at once I knew what I had to do, although convincing him would be the hard part. Whatever he said, he needed me right now. He needed someone to talk to, who understood him, who believed in him and would take him back onto that path that led to him getting back in that ring, and most importantly back to being the man he used to be. I knew we could make it work if I set the boundaries that we both needed. It didn't matter that I had greater feelings for him than I should , the boundaries needed to be there to protect ourselves, and to make sure that the only focus was on getting his mind-set right rather than making it worse. I took out my phone and began to write one of the most important messages I have ever sent. I decided that rather than wait for a reply, one of my pet hates, I would ask him to meet me at the place where we had first encountered each other and if he didn't turn up then I would walk away and never look back.

"I don't blame you for leaving the way you did this morning, I did warn you last night that we were doing the wrong thing but I guess neither of us wanted to listen; I thought long and hard about whether to write this message at all but decided I needed to for my own sanity; I don't want anything from you Stu, I said that right from the start and it's still the same now; We are both adults, and we can both be sensible about this; I know you needed me to talk to yesterday, to sit down and work through your doubts and I can't believe that this is any different today in fact I guess what happened last night may have made your demons worse and I'm sorry for that. Anyway, I still think that we could make this work if we lay out some ground rules, I could come and see you a couple of hours, three times a week until you feel you are ready and able to go back in that ring 100%. My only proviso is that you have to buy me tea at Costa (haha). Once you are ready to go home, that is when our working relationship ends, I will always be on the end of a phone or email for you but nothing more; The choice is yours, I will be at costa until two pm then I catch my train home; If I haven't heard from you I will delete your number and I ask you to do the same and we both move on with no regrets. Whatever you decide I wish you all the best; Lisa"

I looked over the message thoroughly before I sent it. I wasn't sure whether id written the message right, and I didn't know whether it would be better for me just to let him go and get on my train home now. I thought about ringing Molly and asking her for advice but in the end I simply pressed send and hoped for the best, fearing the worst. I got myself sorted and left the hotel room. They were bittersweet memories that I was leaving behind now, that's for sure. I walked out into the sunshine.

I glanced at my watch, it read one pm so I decided just to have a wander round trying to kill time. Time that went so slowly I thought it had stopped. I don't know how many times I nearly gave up and walked away from the Arndale Centre but something kept me there, and most of all kept me hoping. I looked at my watch again, one fifty two pm. It was now or never I thought to myself as I walked towards Costa. I looked over at the seats where I had first met Stu and saw that there was no sign of him. I sighed to myself, I knew it had been a longshot but I had to try.

After a minute of restless fidgeting I decided I would give it a couple more minutes and then would give up and go home, I felt myself becoming emotional as I stood off to the side. Yet again every single time I tried to help someone it was thrown back in my face. I took one last look around the shop, and thought I saw a familiar face at the counter. I stared closer and yes it was him. My heart leapt I couldn't believe he had come. Then all I wanted to do was go and smack him in the face!

I let him sit down first before I approached. He looked so fed up and miserable that all I wanted to do now was to hug him. These contrasting emotions were seriously messing with my head! I watched him as he looked round, and then look at his watch. His head slumped between his shoulders as he stared down at the table. I slowly walked forward and said softly "Mind if I sit down?"

He looked up at me, and I found it hard to keep myself under control as he gave me a slight, warm smile

"Of course" he replied "Can't have you sitting on the floor like a hobo" I smiled, more happy than I should be that he remembered one of the first things I had said to him

"Thank you for coming" I said hesitantly. He looked at me surprised that I would even thank him, I couldn't pretend that I hadn't been angry with him and I told him as much, but I knew I couldn't stay angry with him for long. It took all of my willpower not to reach over and grab his hands but I knew that if I did that I would push him away again.

I was relieved that we were back together and talking again. I knew that it was going to be difficult to keep our distance, though. I could feel the tension between us, and saw the little looks he gave me when I glanced away. I could feel how my body reacted when his hands accidently brushed mine and I could tell he felt the same. I knew that keeping each other at arm's length was the only way we could work together though, and if that was the only way we could spend time together then I was happy.

I explained to him what he needed to do, and how we needed to go forward from this. He seemed to be happy to agree to what I had said and did so almost readily. Every now and again, when he thought I wasn't looking, I saw him look at me with a small smile on his face and each time I noticed my heart raced a little bit faster. I breathed in deeply to compose myself several times during the meeting. I cannot let my feelings show. I looked down at my watch briefly and realised that I really needed to get back on that train home now or I was going to miss it and I needed more so to leave him behind for now.

We chatted about trivial things as we drove back to the station. Occasionally we caught each other's eye, and quickly looked away again. I was happier now than I was a few hours ago. Sure I was still worried about the obvious tension between us but I was more confident now that I could resist acting on them. When I got out of the car to say my goodbyes Stu came around to give me a hug "Thanks again Lisa" he said softly

"No hugs" I laughed and stepped back "Maybe next time, but I think we would be best to keep it formal at the minute" I smiled, and winked at him wondering immediately afterwards why I had.

Stu laughed, it was so good to hear

"Oh Bollocks to that" he said and gave me a hug anyway; I couldn't help but laugh myself and tutted at him as I walked away. I walked quickly to the platform to catch my train, it wasn't here yet so I quickly got out my phone to send him one last tweet

wadebarrett keep smiling, and keep going that ring needs you ASAP

I got an almost instant reply

CometoLife you betcha; see you soon xx and thankyou xx

I smiled as I got on my train and sat down at a table by myself. The last twenty four hours had been a rollercoaster, but at least it had ended on a high; I knew that I felt deeper feelings for Stu than I was ready to admit to, I knew that if I had this my way this wouldn't be a working relationship.

I wanted to feel the passion we had last night on every night, but I also knew that if the only way I could keep him in my life was to remain objective and distant then I was prepared to do just that for him, for his future, and because I had fallen completely and utterly in love with him.