Chapter 8: How Can Goodbyes Be This Painful?

I stared at the phone after Stu hung up not knowing how to think or feel. I was happy that he had finally put his life back together, but I didn't know how I was going to say goodbye. My natural reaction was to run away, to not even go up to meet him tomorrow so that I didn't have to face the pain I knew I would feel. I didn't think I could stand seeing his face for one last time, to feel his arms around me, to see him smile at me and then walk away the whole time knowing it was final- I just couldn't do it.

I decided then and there that I just wouldn't go; I wanted to remember the times we had together, to hold them close and never let them go; I wrapped my arms round my legs after pulling them up beside me and just let the tears fall. My phone rang with horrible timing. I sniffed, choked back the tears, and went to answer it -it was my mum on the other end.

"Hey mum" I managed to get out

"Hey. Just wanted to ask what time you will be back tomorrow"

"Im not sure I'm going" I was about to cry again "Stu is going back to America in a couple of days and he wants me to go up to say goodbye but I don't think I can"

"Don't be so stupid Lisa!" Mum almost shouted at me but then calmed herself down. She wasn't harsh but it certainly stopped my tears "You will regret it if you don't believe me and don't take my advice, don't just let him go without letting him knowing how you feel"

"I can't mum" I almost pleaded "He lives in a different world than I do. One that I don't, or want ever to belong to. My place is here with you and Simon. Anyway he doesn't see me in that way that much is obvious and I'm not going to just put my heart out just to have it broken again"

"Just go up there and meet him" she urged "You need to have closure on this chapter in your life Lisa. Cry if you need to but hold on to every memory you have had, and any new ones you will make tomorrow because they will become very precious once he has gotten on that plane and you don't see him again"

"I will try" I promised my mum that, yet I knew I couldn't face getting on that train tomorrow, I just couldn't

To say I had little sleep during that night would be an understatement. In fact I had spent most of my night flipping over the pictures on my laptop, the pictures Stu and I had taken during some of the ridiculous things we had done mostly when we should have been working on his demons and fixing them.

The tears I cried that night left my face puffy and my eyes bloodshot, my cheeks streaked. I felt physically sick when the sun finally rose and I knew that I had a decision to make; I looked down at my phone and saw a message that made my mind up

"I hope I don't wake you up with this message but I felt that I had to write this. I can't wait to see you tomorrow, to meet you at our usual place, for you to meet my mum, and just to spend this last day with you; You have become my best friend, the person who I can say anything to and know you won't judge me, and although we may be going our separate ways I want you to know that you will always be part of my life and I want to keep in touch so I can tell you when I've had a great day, and have you there to pick me up when I've had a bad one; Thank you Lisa for everything, and see you soon"

I knew then I had to see him, to wrap my arms around him and say goodbye properly. We may never be more than the best of friends, but boy…. that was more than I ever expected to have with him. The thing is that for as much as I had helped him, he had helped me just as much and sometimes more and I needed to say thank you. I jumped into the shower, trying to relax and clean my face. I put on my new jeans and tight fitting top I had brought just the other day. I remembered going out to buy them for today, but it was for a day that was now so much more different than the one I was going to experience.

I was finally ready and I shouted goodbye to Simon and too my surprise he came down the stairs and just said to me "Good luck mum, I know how hard this is going to be for you" he didn't know how much that meant. I smiled at him and rushed out the door before I started bawling again.

The train ride was the longest I have ever known. Molly had been ringing and texting me the entire time trying to keep my spirits up. We had arranged to meet up in Manchester the following day so I didn't have to come home on my own and for that I would be eternally grateful. I finally got to Manchester and almost ran to the Arndale Centre finding our usual spot at Costa quickly.

I looked over and saw Stu at our usual table and I nearly lost then and there. Instead, I breathed deeply and walked over determined that I wasn't going to let him see me upset. He didn't need that right now.

"Hey" I said gently. He raised his head up at me and I smiled sweetly.

"Hey" he replied, a smile breaking out on his face as well.

"Sorry I didn't get the coffee. Anyway it was your turn"

"cheeky sod" he laughed and everything seemed a little bit easier as it always did when I was around him; I sat down and we both sat in silence for a while, not knowing what to say to each other but enjoying the company just the same.

"When is your flight home" I asked not really wanting to know

"I managed to get a flight out of Manchester at eight am tomorrow morning" he replied

"That soon?" I almost shouted and then checked myself.

"Yeah well, once we had met I didn't really want to hang around so I thought that it would be better if I just got one as soon as possible"

"Oh okay" I said and felt the panic rising in my chest, I didn't want to let him go at all, least of all this soon.

"Shall we get back to my place?" he asked standing up and holding his arm out to me so that I could link it through mine.

"Yeah im looking forward to meeting your mum" I admitted shyly.

"She's adorable" he said with a laugh "Though she still has this ridiculous notion that we are in fact together and she's determined to find us out, so sorry about that"

I looked at him hurt. It felt like an insult though I knew it really wasn't

"Yeah such a ridiculous notion" I let slip sarcastically and regretted it instantly but remained quiet as we walked to the car.

Stu looked at me quizzically. I thought he was about to say something but and then he must've changed his mind and walked to the other side of the car. We were both lost in our own thoughts as we drove the short distance to his parents' home. Once we had got there he parked the car, switched off the engine and looked over at me, square in the eye.

"Lisa I don't want today to be difficult for either of us, I want you to have a great night with my mum and dad, and for us to make the most of the time we have together" He grabbed my hand and I resisted the urge to squeeze it "I meant what I said on my message, you are my best friend and over the last month we have shared so much that I don't want to go home worrying that I will have lost that friendship forever"

I looked at him. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes and immediately tried batting them away

"You won't lose it ever" I promised him "How could I let that happen? We know so much about each other that there so no way I would let that go" I smiled at him "Besides I remember a certain person promising me use of his house if I wanted to come over to America"

"You're on" He grinned "you are welcome to come over anytime, in fact I insist that you do"

We got out the car and he came round and gave me the biggest hug he had ever given me before, kissing me quickly on the cheek

"Well that's not very professional" I laughed and squealed as he lifted me of my feet and almost carried me in the house "Put me down" I laughed and almost died with embarrassment as I saw his mum laughing out the corner of my eye standing in the doorway. "Bollocks" I said as I felt my cheeks go red, to which Stu laughed even more. "I hate you you bastard" I said as he put me down. My laughter gave me away

"yeah yeah course you do, you love me really" he laughed still.

I whipped my head round to look at him, tensing. He was oblivious to the fact that he had hit the nail right on the head just now, I loved him with every inch of my body and I couldn't let him know it. It was a depressing thought.

I have to say honestly, that I adored his mum. She was such good company and a fantastic cook I had never tasted such wonderful food. The baby photos did indeed come out, despite my earlier question being a complete joke, and I laughed at Stu's embarrassment at some of them, okay most of them. We chatted about my life, about Simon and my work.

Stu told me the story of how he had first got into wrestling and the struggles he went through to get people to notice him. We put on some of our favourite music, drank way too much wine, and before we knew it the night was coming to an end. Id booked a hotel located in the city centre for the night, so I pulled over a phonebook and started to look for a taxi number that would take me back

"Lisa" Stu said quietly, I looked up and noticed his mum was fast asleep on the sofa "Can I have a quick word?"

"Yeah sure" I replied my heart racing a little and we walked into his bedroom and sat down on the edge of the bed as he closed the door.

"Look I don't know how you are going to take this, but stop with me tonight?" he asked and promptly looked at me worriedly

"You mean?" I started to say but he interrupted me

"look I don't want anything from you, I know we only both want friendship (I really hate that word I thought to myself but focused back on what he was saying) but I also know that I don't want you to go to a hotel tonight. Even if I end up sleeping on the floor I don't care I just want to be able to talk to you until I go to sleep, to know that im not alone; I would also really like you to come to the airport with me if you don't mind, would be good to have you as the last face I see" he smiled hesitantly.

I felt the tears pool up in my eyes, I didn't want him to sleep on the floor I wanted to hold him in my arms, to feel his body against mine, to kiss him the way I had done that first night we had spent together. I also couldn't imagine how I was going to hold myself together at the airport as it was but I found myself saying

"Ok I will; but I get the bed and the duvet"

"You're on" He grinned as he gave me a big hug. I fortunately had still got my overnight bag in the car so I went and got it, found the bathroom and changed into my pyjamas. I nearly snorted with laughter despite myself when I looked in the mirror, I forgot that my top was none other than the pink show off shirt of Nick aka Dolph, I wonder how that was going to be received!

"What the fuck are you wearing" he immediately asked me when I walked back in

"Fuck off you" I replied "You're not the only one on the roster I follow you know. I winked at him; "im expecting an introduction when I come over too!"

He looked at me with a frown

"Nah I will keep you away from that one" I looked at him quizzically but he turned away

I got into bed, and he sat down by my feet "whoa at the distance" I said to him jokingly and wiggled my toes

"Do I smell?" He looked at me and grinned impishly "Don't say a word" I warned him and he came and sat up with me at the top end of the bed. We talked long into the night, about anything and everything until I found myself drifting off;

"You look shattered" he said to me "Try and get some sleep I will find my position on the floor"

"No" I said firmly. I just didn't want to go to sleep tonight knowing what was going to happen when I woke up

"Okay" he looked at me happily and smiled "You really are a bossy cow"

"Shut up you" I replied and smiled back.

That was the last thing I was aware of until I woke up with the birds singing out of the window. I found myself lying stomach down, my head on Stu's shoulder with his arm wrapped round me; I felt so comfortable just like that that I didn't want to move. Unfortunately I felt him stir next to me and watched as he came to and looked over.

"Hello sleepy head" he smiled lazily "I hope you didn't mind that fact that I pinched a part of the bed but you looked so comfortable on my shoulder I didn't want to move you"

"Nah I don't mind" I replied and he turned to face me completely, turning on his side. "aww don't move" I protested

He stared intensely straight into my eyes, The air suddenly felt very charged

"I often wonder what would have happened if I hadn't walked out on you that morning" I closed my eyes not wanting to remember again how I felt that day "whether we would have felt differently about each other, I don't know really"

I opened my eyes and looked at him

"Stu I don't see the point in going into this now, in four hours' time you get on a plane home and back to your life, one that I cannot begin to hope to understand" I knew I was being harsh but it was the only way I could deal with letting him go

He sighed "Yeah I know that there is nothing like that between us now, is there?" He questioned sincerely but I remained silent not trusting myself to say anything without blurting out my true feelings.

"Im sorry I shouldn't have said anything" He turned to get up to get ready for his flight when all of a sudden he turned back. He cupped my face in his hands and kissed me gently. I savoured the kiss more than I should have and he pulled back before I could respond to it "Thank you Lisa for everything" and then he got out of bed completely and walked out the room to give me the privacy to dress.

I got dressed in a daze, not able to eat breakfast, not making much conversation either. Stu's mum looked over to me, raising her eyebrows and I shook my head "idiots" I heard her mutter to herself as she stood and left the table.

The journey to Manchester Airport was probably the hardest one I've ever had to make. Stu's mum tried several times to keep the conversation going even though I know that she must be finding it hard herself, but in the end we all lapsed into silence; We stopped in the parking area, and Stu gave his mum a massive hug promising to ring her soon. I could see her trying to keep back the tears but it wasn't working very well. "Bye Stu" she said lovingly as we walked away from her "Lisa I will wait here for you" she said softly and I smiled;

Stu and I walked into the departures area. I waited until he had checked into his flight before allowing myself to fully process the situation. As he walked back over to me I knew I wasn't going to keep it together.

"So this is it" he said to me looking more upset than I thought he would "This is harder than I thought it was going to be" he admitted "im going to miss you so much"

I felt the tears start to run down my face. For once I didn't try to stop them "yeah I will miss you too, im going to miss my trip to Costa and your face as I set down my tea and I'm going to miss our chats and the fun we had together"

"Lisa please don't cry or else I'm going to end up crying with you" he said with a sad smile.

I tried to compose myself for his sake

"Promise me Stu that you won't lose touch, even if it's just once a week, or once a month promise me that you will message me and let me know how you are getting on"

"Once a week! I will be ringing you every night moaning" he laughed

"Good" I said honestly "just don't forget about me ok"

He stared into my eyes, brushing his hand along my face

"How could I forget you when you gave me my life back. Without you I would be nothing, I owe you everything" He hesitated and I thought he was going to say more but he fell silent

"You need to go" I whispered sadly and he nodded. Stu looked at me and then wrapped his arms round me tightly. We clung to each other for a second and then moved away.

"Goodbye Lisa" he said softly and gave me the gentlest kiss on my lips. Then he grabbed his bag and walked away

"Goodbye! I whispered as he got approached the boarding gate "I love you"

I saw him turn around, and mouth something at me that I assumed it was goodbye. He blew me a kiss, and then turned round and walked away out again and out of my life.

As I looked after him I could have sworn I saw him wipe away something from his face; I couldn't stand it any longer and I quickly walked out to the parking area where his mum was waiting; She took one look at me, and ran up throwing her arms round me with motherly love I did the same and I let the tears fall freely then and as the sobs racked my body.

She said to me, softly

"He loves you you know, I can see it in his face and in the way he touches you and the way he is when you're around. The trouble is that you both were too stubborn to let your feelings come out, and now he's gone and it's too late"

I looked at her when I pulled back and wiped my tears away knowing she was right. However we felt about each other it was too late, he was on that plane and out my life forever, and for that I was never ever going to forgive myself.