Moony's Musings
Chapter 2
By Trep092
Disclaimer: A recent look at my bank account reveals I sadly don't have millions, so I obviously don't own Harry Potter.
I'd like to thank my Beta Erik's Song for all of her assistance. Without her this fic would still be gathering dust on my hard drive.
A/N: For the purposes of this narrative Yaxley is at Hogwarts the same time as Remus, James and the lot. He's in the fifth year. Not much is told about him in cannon, so he suited my plans perfectly. . Also, Lucius Malfoy is at Hogwarts in his seventh year during the time of Remus's first year which, because of his birth date in 1954, is cannon.
*** September 1, 1993 (present) ***
He had arrived at King's Cross Station two hours early so that he could find an out of the way compartment on the Hogwarts Express. Thus the platform that was usually packed on September first was bare of clamouring students.
As he crossed the platform, he felt that the silence was oddly unsettling. Being such a dramatically different scene than it usually was, he felt as though he was in some sort of twisted dream.
Quickening his pace, he boarded the scarlet train and headed towards the rear. The compartments he passed were empty, their doors open and waiting. They stared accusingly at him, saying they had already served their purpose ferrying him back and forth to school for 7 years.
It wasn't standard for teachers to ride the Hogwarts Express to the school, but Dumbledore believed that dementors might make an appearance, and he wanted someone he could trust on scene in case something went wrong.
"Someone he could trust." His heart swelled with pride just thinking about those four simple words.
Dumbledore had always been a hero figure to him. He had granted him the chance to have an education with his peers despite his disability. He had hidden Remus's true nature from students and staff so that he could pretend to be a normal care-free student. He had trusted him enough to make him a prefect in his fifth year despite the fact that he was a member of the Marauders. He had shown faith in him when he allowed him to become part of the Order of the Phoenix straight out of Hogwarts. And now he was trusting him to teach Hogwarts students, a task he knew Dumbledore didn't delegate to just anyone.
The enormity of this trust staggered him. Nobody, upon learning of his differences, would trust him to come within a mile of them, but Dumbledore had trusted him, and was trusting him to be an influence on young witches and wizards. He knew what parents would think if they knew their children were being taught by a werewolf, but Dumbledore knew these fears,-while not being groundless-were usually blown out of proportion.
He honestly wouldn't have taken the job, fearing what his werewolf form could do to hundreds of children. He had decided that using the Shrieking Shack again was unwise on account of what had happened when Sirius had lured Snape there in their fifth year. If James hadn't pulled Snape back, Remus shuddered to think what would have happened.
What had changed his mind was Dumbledore telling him that Snape had so kindly agreed to mix the highly complicated Wolf's Bane potion for him. This potion would help him retain his human mind when he transformed, allowing him to be a harmless wolf.
In the past he hadn't been able to find anybody to brew the Wolf's Bane potion for him, owing to its finicky nature, but Snape was undoubtedly a master of his craft, and he trusted him to make it properly.
Deciding the last compartment on the train was the one most likely to remain student-free, he heaved his shabby brief case into the luggage rack and sat down near the window. It was so strange to be here, heading back to Hogwarts. Never could he have imagined it, not even in his wildest dreams.
Teaching was something he'd never contemplated doing. He loved knowledge, and he loved sharing it. But being a teacher was something that he thought he just couldn't do. There were so many things he just couldn't do. His parents had always told him that he could do anything he set his mind to.
He let out an uncharacteristically dark chuckle. How very wrong they were.
Certainly people were willing to employ him, at first. Once he disappeared for several days a month, they would get annoyed and suspicious. There were a lot more people willing to work that would be at their job full time, so eventually he was let go. At the low times in his life he had even worked Muggle jobs just to get enough money to put food in his belly.
He'd been on the brink of one of those low times when Dumbledore had shown up. Dumbledore, as Rubeus Hagrid was fond of saying, was a great man.
Several shouts outside the window heralded the arrival of students on the platform. Peering out through the glass he saw a group of rowdy boys saying hello to each other and catching up on summer news. They looked so young to him, making him feel ancient at thirty-three.
Sighing, he turned his face away from the window. His most recent transformation had left him bone weary. He decided he could do with a cat nap before the train left the station.
Settling down more comfortably in the hard seat, he leaned his head against the cool window. Closing his eyes, he recalled his first journey to Hogwarts.
*** September 1, twenty-two years prior ***
Turning away from the window through which he had seen the last glimpse of his parents, he faced the corridor. He now had the daunting task of dragging his heavy trunk until he found a free compartment, which, by the looks of it, would be near the rear of the train.
Hefting the end of his trunk, he set off, dragging it behind him. He was by no means a weak boy, but his most recent transformation had left him utterly exhausted. Thus, he barely made it ten metres down the corridor before he had to take a breather.
Dropping the end of the trunk with a thud, he leaned against the wall trying to catch his breath.
"Need help with that?"
The sudden question made him jump. Spinning around he saw two dark haired boys smiling at him.
"We just saw you having some issues with your trunk, do you need any help?"
"Sure," he said quietly.
As the boys were still standing there with polite looks of questioning on their faces, he realized that they must not have heard him.
Digging inside him for that wayward spark of courage, he straightened his slumped shoulders and said more loudly, "Yes thank you." Before that spark dwindled away again he added with a self-deprecating smile, "I doubt I'd be able to drag it to a compartment before we reached Hogwarts."
With a laugh the smaller of the two boys picked up an end and gestured at the other to pick up the other.
The other boy flipped his black hair out of his slightly haughty face and bowed grandly to Remus.
After the two boys had hefted the trunk, the smaller boy turned to Remus and asked, "Where to?"
He was about to say that he didn't know where to go when a much older boy shouldered his way into their group.
He looked to be about sixteen, with thick blond hair and a shiny green and silver prefect badge pinned to his chest. His cold grey eyes swept over the scene and came to rest on Remus.
"What do we have here?" his voice was soft and sneering. "Is the trunk too heavy for the little boy? Well maybe little boys shouldn't be at Hogwarts if they can't even lift a trunk."
Swiftly he strode forward and knocked the trunk from the two younger boys' grip. It fell to the floor with a crash and sprung open, revealing all of Remus's possessions.
With a sneer, the older boy kicked the trunk over, scattering its contents over the train's floor.
"That should help," the older boy laughed derisively, "maybe it'll be light enough for the little boy to carry now."
Kicking books and robes to either side of the corridor, the older boy began to stride off when, his face flaming with rage and embarrassment, Remus strode forward to intercept him.
"What are you going to do little boy?"
The string of brave words that had come to his tongue died before they ever could be released. The older boy was huge, and he was a prefect. He didn't know what he was thinking trying to stand up to him.
He honestly didn't even know where his bravery had come from. He was a relatively passive boy who usually let taunts prick at his insides, but not affect him enough to fight back.
Maybe it had been the older boy questioning whether he should be going to Hogwarts that made these taunts too large to be contained and suppressed, and gave him the courage to stand up to the older boy. But it was now, in the moment of confrontation, that he realized he couldn't do anything. He was frozen by fear, unable to speak.
Then, as though the universe was for once on his side, a voice rang down the corridor.
"Hey Malfoy, you've got to come see this! Yaxley's got a couple of fourth years cornered, and you wouldn't believe the spells he's using!"
"Idiot!" Malfoy hissed.
He wheeled around and began to head down the corridor, but then seemed to remember Remus and the other boys.
Without breaking stride, he whipped his blond head around and said, "you watch your back little boy, or I'll rearrange your possessions... and not those in your trunk." He raised his fist and mimed punching Remus in the head. With a chuckle, he strode out of sight.
A small crowd had gathered to watch the scene, but as soon as the older boy had left they began to trickle away. Amongst their chatter about what had occurred, Remus overheard the full name of the older boy. It was Lucius Malfoy. He made a mental note to stay as far away from him as possible in future.
He began to scramble around gathering his books and other items. The two other boys helped as well, and soon enough most of his possessions were back in his trunk where they belonged.
"Here."
He almost didn't catch the soft voice over the loud boisterous chatter of the other two boys. When he looked up from packing away his cauldron, he saw a small girl with dark red hair and startlingly green eyes holding out his Transfiguration book to him.
"Thank you." he said and, smiling at her, he reached out for the book.
As she released the book she murmured shyly, "I'm Lily Evans." He noticed as he took it that her eyes were red rimmed as though she had been crying.
"I'm Remus. Remus Lupin."
"Nice to meet you Remus."
As he bent down to pick up the remainder of his belongings, she bent down as well to help.
"That was a brave thing you did, standing up to that boy."
He blushed. He didn't deserve her praise. He would have just stood there like an idiot if that other boy hadn't called Malfoy away. He didn't want to admit it though. Lily was talking to him like he was a normal person, and he didn't want to drive her away by admitting to his cowardice. He had initially attempted to stand up to Malfoy after all, and she didn't have to know that he had frozen.
"I didn't think I'd be able to." he admitted timidly. Lily seemed like the kind of person that you could tell embarrassing truths to, even if they were only half-truths.
"What changed your mind?"
"I don't know. He said that I shouldn't be here, and I kind of think I shouldn't be either. Then I remembered that I am here and I want to be here so I'd better stand up for myself."
In horror he clamped his mouth shut. Lily's open expression and friendly demeanour had caused him to admit more than he should have.
"Why do you think you shouldn't be here?"
His mind racing, he remembered the lie he was supposed to tell.
"I get sick a lot... and I don't know if I will be able to keep up with the work." He stumbled over the untruth and internally chastised himself. He'd have to become much more comfortable reciting that phrase if he was going to keep his condition secret.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sure you'll do fine." Lily said sympathetically. Noticing his mortified expression she added, "My sister really wants to come to Hogwarts, but she can't."
"Why not?"
"She's a muggle." With her admission, her face flamed red. She obviously hadn't meant to confess that.
"I'm sorry, she must be upset."
"Yes she is." Lily replied sadly, turning her face away.
"Are you coming or are you just going to stand there until we get to Hogwarts? I thought that's why we're lugging this around."
He turned around, and saw that while he had been distracted talking with Lily, the two other boys had closed up his trunk and hefted it into the air again.
"Yes."
The smaller dark haired boy smiled and asked, "You want to sit with us?"
He didn't have anywhere else to sit, and these two boys had been nice to him. He had promised himself that he'd make friends at Hogwarts; hard as that might be.
"Sure, sounds good. Thanks for your help."
"No problem."With that, the two boys set off down the corridor.
Turning to lily he asked, "You coming?"
She nodded and they set off after the other boys.
When they had reached a compartment halfway down the train, the group stopped and with Remus's assistance heaved the heavy trunk into the luggage rack.
"I'm James Potter." The shorter boy said. Gesturing to the other boy who was now lounging carelessly across a row of seats he added, "and this is Sirius Black."
"Remus Lupin."
"Nice job standing up to the troll." Sirius commented.
Remus gave a noncommittal grunt. He just wanted to forget the whole thing. Luckily enough, James and Sirius lost interest in the topic fairly quickly and carried on laughing and joking about various inane things.
Sliding over to sit beside Lily next to the window, Remus tried to engage her in conversation. But she just shrugged him off with vague answers to his questions. She was evidently still thinking about her sister.
The lunch trolley came and went. Feeling a bit queasy, he only bought a few chocolate frogs. His monthly transformations always left him feeling ill for several days afterword. He loved collecting the cards though, and was only missing a few.
Sadly, he didn't get any he needed. He was about to throw them away in the pile of rubbish they had all created when James spotted them.
"Hey! I'll trade you these for them!"
He was holding out a box of Every Flavour Beans.
Not really wanting the candy, but feeling pleased that someone wanted to trade with him, Remus agreed to the swap.
Slowly he became more drawn into Sirius's and James's conversation. They were talking boisterously about quidditch. Remus, being an avid follower of the sport, was able to comfortably add much to the conversation.
Having had such a solitary childhood, he had been drawn to activities that could be done alone. Reading and flying were his two refuges. It was so easy to be drawn into a book. He could spend hours reading on virtually any topic. He would get lost in the written word and could forget about his loneliness for a time.
Flying also allowed him to forget his life. It was hard to be concerned with the cares of the world when he could soar high above it. He longed to join the quidditch team of whichever house he got sorted into, but knew that because he would be gone for several days a month he could never be allowed to join.
Playing quidditch, that was one of hundreds of things his lycanthropy had taken away from him. But the one thing he missed and craved the most was friendship. The companionship of children his own age who wouldn't judge him or scorn him.
How he wished to be normal. To be James or Sirius, who probably didn't even know what lycanthropy was
Internally shaking himself he diverted his thoughts from this slippery slope of depression. He had traversed it too many times and he knew it led nowhere.
He grasped on to the only thing he could. The fact that he was going to Hogwarts! This thought was a gleaming talisman of warmth inside his mind. It chased the shadows of his disability away to the distant corners of his brain. And, as James and Sirius laughed uproariously at a joke he had made, he could almost forget the shadows were there.
He smiled broadly. Letting the lines of fatigue fade from his face. He was going to Hogwarts and he might have friends!
*** September 1, 1993 (present) ***
... "Professor R. J. Lupin."
With a jolt his mind returned to the present. The window beneath his cheek was vibrating as the train chugged along.
He had drifted so far into his memories that he hadn't even noticed the train leaving the station. Now there were kids in the compartment with him.
Keeping his eyes closed he hoped they'd leave. His reminiscing had left him depressed, that on top of the affects from his most recent transformation made him less than good company.
The kids, attempting to remain quiet, slid the compartment door closed and sat down in the seats farthest away from him.
He decided to push his bad mood away far enough to greet the people he would be sharing the train ride with.
He slowly turned his head and opened his eyes, quickly clamping them shut again.
He couldn't breathe. He could have sworn his heart stopped beating.
Could it be?
James Potter, whom he knew to be dead, was sitting in the compartment with him.