Moony's Musings

Chapter 6

By: Trep092

A/N: This chapter was not looked over by a beta. I apologize in advance for any spelling/grammatical mistakes that I didn't catch.

Disclaimer: Here's a little exercise for you. Pick up any of the Harry Potter novels. Now look under the title. Is Trep092 written there? I thought not.

*** September 1, 1993 (present) ***

The silence that followed in the wake of Professor Dumbledore's last statement was so profound that you could have heard a single hair hit the ground. He felt the eyes of his fellow staff members staring at him so intensely that he felt as though he had just walked on stage in front of an expectant crowd.

He put all of his strength into not shifting nervously under their scrutiny. He was barely breathing, and his heart was racing so fast that he thought that every single person in the room would be able to hear it in the silence.

The unnatural stillness dragged on for what seemed like hours. He couldn't bring himself to look around at the reactions of the teachers around the table. He locked his gaze firmly on a ring on the scratched and scuffed wooden table that was caused by a coffee cup and waited anxiously for the storm of protest to start.

"So Remus and his parents thought that he would be unable to attend school," Dumbledore continued, his voice sounding very loud as it shattered the silence. "But I thought that, with some precautions, there was no need to prevent him from receiving an education just like everybody else."

Remus felt his cheeks begin to redden. Was Professor Dumbledore going to tell his life story to these people? What was the point in justifying his actions? These teachers weren't going to listen to Dumbledore's calm reassurances no matter how much they respected him. He might as well get up now and leave.

"But Albus," croaked a voice from the other end of the table, "that was so dangerous."

The voice belonged to Professor Sprout, and she looked mortified as everyone, at her interruption, switched their stares from Remus to her.

"I do agree that there was a certain element of danger in it," Dumbledore said calmly, "but there's a natural element of risk having hundreds of underage wizards locked up together, each possessing the ability to maim others with a misplaced spell or—"

"But that's not nearly comparable," blurted Professor Aurora Sinistra, the pretty dark-skinned witch who had flirted with Remus at the banquet. Her honey coloured eyes were now staring at him with fear and suspicion. "He's a beast! Werewolves kill people; it's not nearly the same as accidentally transplanting someone's face on to a cactus." Her cool voice was rising and becoming shrill.

Lupin sunk down farther into his chair. His face was burning with humiliation and anger-anger that was not directed towards Aurora, he knew that everything that she had said was true and justifiable. No, his anger was directed towards the one man he thought would never let him down.

He had told Dumbledore that it would be a bad idea to reveal his true nature to the staff. In fact he had told Dumbledore it would be a bad idea for him to even accept the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor. He was a danger to the students and the staff, but Dumbledore had reassured him that it would all work out. Well, Dumbledore's little "oh by-the-way-the-new-Professor-is-a-horrible-monster-that-could-kill-you-or-turn-you-into-a-beast-like-him-but-don't-panic-everything's-fine" speech was going very badly. He was surprised they haven't gone off screaming or at least drawn their wands.

At that moment his eyes involuntarily swept over the table. He really didn't want to see the looks of disgust he thought he'd see on the faces of Professors who had not only taught him for seven years of his youth, but had also fought alongside him in the war against Voldemort in the Order of the Phoenix, but some small ugly part of him wanted to see the truth that Dumbledore, his parents, and his three closest friends had denied. That he wasn't a person deserving of basic rights, that he was a fiend that deserved to be killed or exiled.

Unbidden, memories of the past came to the fore-front of his mind.

*** April 13, 1968 ***

Pain.

All he knew was the searing agony that threatened to tear his mind from his body. His vision was black. His ears were filled with an obnoxious buzzing, and his tongue felt thick and dry in his parched mouth.

Through the haze of pain he could feel a softness that didn't fit in with the other harsh sensations gripping his body, Warmth that spread from a pressure on his hand, and a feather-light brush against his brow. He fought to get closer to the comforting caresses and away from the horror that was reliving itself in his mind.

"Remus."

The voice that was calling his name was filled with pain but yet it still held notes of security and encouragement.

"Open your eyes baby."

Was that all he needed to do to escape this dark world of fear? It seemed like such a simple answer to his problem. But he trusted that voice without reservation.

With an enormous force of will he cracked his eyes open. He could see a blurry white ceiling which he dimly recognized as the one in his bedroom, and then his view was blocked by the caring face of his Mother. Though she was smiling tenderly down at him, her eyes were pinched with worry, and her normally meticulously coifed hair looked dishevelled.

He tried to speak and to reach out to her, but his voice and arms failed to respond to his brain's commands.

"Don't move baby," his mother said, affectionately brushing his hair off his forehead, "you were hurt badly, but you'll be just fine. It's alright, you'll be fine."

He wasn't sure whether she was simply reassuring him, or if she was trying to convince herself that he was going to recover.

The fiery agony returned then with a vengeance and his eyes unwillingly filled with tears.

"Its okay son, Auntie Esmeralda will be back soon. She's gone to fetch some potions that will make you feel all better."

His Auntie Esmeralda was his Mother's sister. She was a Healer at St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries in London. She had a no-nonsense look about her and she rarely smiled. Remus had rarely seen her. His parents didn't get along with her very well, especially his father. Auntie Esmeralda disapproved of her sister marrying John Lupin who was in her book, "a dirty Muggleborn" who was a "poor" reporter for the Daily Prophet which was "not an appropriate job to support a family", or at least that was what she had shouted at John the last time she'd set foot in the house almost a year earlier. Remus must have been seriously injured if his Father had agreed to allow her to return after that fight.

At that moment, the bedroom door swung open and Auntie Esmeralda blew into the room, her grey streaked, brown hair ordered into rigidly formed curls, her thin mouth pinched in her trademark scowl.

"Now let's see what trouble you've managed to get yourself into this time." She said as she jerked back the blankets covering his torso.

He felt his stomach clench as he got his first look at the wound that was making him feel so horrible. It was a large, raw looking bite-mark on the right side of his chest just below his collar bone.

Esmeralda's stern face became more severe. She prodded the edges of the wound which immediately began to leak fowl yellow pus.

The pain of her rough prodding made Remus's eyes fill with tears, and an unearthly yell of pain escaped his throat.

His mother was instantly at his side stroking his hair back from his sweat-slicked forehead. "Was that truly necessary Esmeralda? It's okay baby, shhhh you're fine."

"Do you know what bit him?" Auntie Esmeralda snapped at his mother.

"We're not sure," his Mother said in a quavering voice, "John's out looking now, but we don't really have a hope of finding the animal. It's probably long gone now."

So that was where his Father was. Remus had briefly thought that he hadn't wanted to see him.

"Well I'm pretty sure I know what bit him," Auntie Esmeralda said in a strange, strained voice.

"What do you think it was? Will Remus be all right?" These rapid-fire questions came from the normally unflappable, deep voice of his Father who was standing pale-faced in the doorway.

"Well judging by the shape of the wounds, and the distinctive colour and odour of the pus originating from them, I would say with some certainty that Remus was bitten by a—by a Werewolf."

His mother gasped and clapped her hands to her mouth. Remus didn't know what to think. Of course he'd heard of werewolves, but they were only in stories; hideous beasts that bit unwary travellers in distant and dark forests and turned them into… Was he now a werewolf? His breathing, which was already shallow do to the pain, became rapid. The room was spinning dizzyingly around him, and he could hear his heart pounding in his ears.

"Remus, you need to calm down, or you will pass out."

He felt strong fingers brush his bangs from his forehead, and then his Father's large hand squeezed his much smaller one.

"Breathe, son. Slowly like me."

Remus felt his hand being pressed to his Father's chest. Through the cloud of panic and pain, he could just feel his Father's chest rising and falling in a slow, calm rhythm. He did his best to emulate the pattern and soon enough, the room slowed its rotations, and, though he could still feel his heart pounding fiercely in his chest, the beats were no longer echoing in his ears.

"It's okay son, it'll all be okay. I promise you." His Father's voice was strained and worried, but Remus felled slightly reassured. That was until Auntie Esmeralda's harsh voice broke in.

"Don't say that to him John. He needs to come to St. Mungo's and be isolated—"

"Locked up you mean!" His mother's voice was shaking with anger. Remus shrunk back fearfully. With all the yelling, pain, and confusion circling around his head he didn't know what to think. The one thought that kept coming to him was that he was now a werewolf, a beast.

He struggled to get up. He needed to get away. Words like isolated and locked up scared him. It brought everything into perspective. He couldn't bear the thought that he was dangerous. He didn't want to go to St. Mungo's, and he didn't want to be dangerous. He just wanted to get away to somewhere quiet and think.

"Remus!" A heavy hand pushed on his shoulder, pinning him to the bed. "Don't get up son, we'll sort this out."

Remus was shocked at how little energy he had. He couldn't resist the hand on his shoulder at all. His eyes filled involuntarily with tears of pain, fear and frustration.

Auntie Esmeralda's voice was shrill as she yelled, "you can't give the boy false hope John. He's now a beast, a monster which can't be around humans. He'll be taken care of at St. Mungo's. They have special isolation rooms for them when they transform."

"He's a boy! He's our son!" His mother's voice was firm and hard. The look of shock was gone from her brown eyes. They were now filled with a burning determination.

"Jane. He's going with me. He's a danger to himself, and you and John. He'll attack you. Don't you see? I know you love him, but you can visit him in St. Mungo's."

Besides the pain and fatigue, Remus felt no different. He didn't feel like a monster and he didn't have the slightest urge to attack anyone. He just had his Auntie accusing him of being a beast. Remus was a smart child. He knew if it had been a werewolf that had bitten him; he would be a werewolf too. But it just seemed so impossible. But if it was true, he was dangerous. He would have to go to St. Mungo's and be locked up. He had no desire to hurt his family.

"I—I'll go." Remus's voice was a whisper that nonetheless was loud in the crowded room.

"No!" His Father said with such vehemence that Remus flinched violently. "No. Remus you aren't going anywhere. We can figure this out. There has to be a way that you can stay here. There has to be a cure."

"There isn't! John, you are a fool. He isn't a human anymore. He will kill you and others. I'm going to send for other healers and we'll take him to the hospital. There is no other alternative."

"Yes there is! Get out Esmeralda! Remus will stay here and we'll find a cure. He is our son; a little boy. We will not send him away to be caged like an animal."

"I don't believe it! You'd endanger my sister, your wife. I guess a Muggle born just wouldn't care."

"Get out!" Remus's Mother's voice cracked like a whip. "Get out and do not return. I'm tired of you insulting my husband and calling my son an animal. We will figure out what to do. We don't need your so-called help."

"Fine then," Auntie Esmeralda spun on her heel and strode towards the door, anger evident in her ramrod straight posture. When she reached the door she said over her shoulder, "you know I have to make a report of this to the hospital. They will take Remus away with or without my help."

"Well don't report it then." John said swiftly.

"I have to, it's procedure."

"Esmeralda," Remus's mother's voice was softer, having lost the harsh quality of before, "please. He's our son. We can't make him live in isolation in St. Mungo's forever. He deserves a happy life. We'll find a cure, and if not, we'll find a way to deal with it. Please Esmeralda."

The stiff set of Auntie Esmeralda's shoulders lessened slightly. "For you Jane I will, but I think you're making the biggest mistake of your life. You could be hurt."

"We'll find a cure Esme."

"Keep the bite clean. I can't believe you're doing this, but on your head be it." With those parting words, Auntie Esmeralda strode from the room, shutting the door behind her with a loud thump.

The silence left in her wake was only broken by the ragged breaths of the three remaining occupants of the room.

Remus was in shock. He had awoken to great pain and the knowledge that he was now a monster that could kill his parents or anyone else he came into contact with on one day each month.

"Mom," his voice trembled as he spoke making him sound very young, "what's going to happen?"

"Oh baby." His mother's hand was cool against his forehead as she stroked back his bangs from his clammy skin. "We'll work it all out. Your father and I will find a way to help you—"

"But I'm a werewolf!" his voice had gone from timid to shrill in a matter of heart beats. "I'm a monster, a beast. I need to be locked up like Auntie Esmeralda said. I don't want to hurt you. I love you."

"No!" his mother said loudly, "you are a boy. A funny, intelligent, inquisitive and kind boy who will do great things in life. You don't listen to Auntie Esmeralda. She doesn't know what she's talking about. You are not a monster!"

His mother said the last five words with such intensity that Remus almost believed her.

"It'll be fine son." His Father sank down on to the edge of the bed scrubbing his tired looking face with his hands. "I know many people. Perhaps someone knows a cure for lycanthropy. If not, we'll work it out so you are safe during your transformations. We will never lock you up. You are the most important thing in our lives and we will always do the best for you."

"I'm scared." The admission cost him his slight composure. He burst into great, shuddering sobs that shook his thin frame and made his wound hurt more.

"Oh baby." His mother dropped a kiss on his brow and squeezed his hand. "We're scared to, but we have to be strong and have hope. If we search hard enough we'll find a way to make everything work out."

Tears trickled out of the corners of her eyes, and as Remus looked at his Father, he saw a few tears snaking their way out of the corners of his eyes too.

Remus struggled with the ideas presented to him. He was a boy, and yet he was now a monster. He was absolutely terrified at the thought of him transforming into a werewolf. Would it hurt? What if he did attack someone like he'd been attacked? The horrible thoughts of the unknown plagued him, but looking into the tear-stained faces of his parents, he saw determination. He trusted his parents above anyone else. If they could have hope in the face of this situation, then maybe he could have a little too.

For a long time, the family sat together in shared grief, confusion, and as unlikely as it seemed, fortitude.

*** September 1, 1993 (present) ***

Here he was again, facing judgement for his lycanthropy. These teachers sitting around him held his future in their hands. He didn't know if he could go on if they rejected him. He'd be forever banished to the Muggle world because there was no way that they'd keep such a colossal revelation to themselves. What was he thinking? There was no "if". Of course they were going to reject him.

"We have to be strong and have hope."

His mother's words floated across the mists of time and memory and unexpectedly stoked a spark of determination in his heart. If he was going to be rejected again, he'd do it with his head held high. He couldn't let the teachers sitting with him, some of whom had known him since he was a little boy, see his downfall. And maybe, if he looked determined and not cowed, they'd accept him.

His eyes flicked over the faces of the teachers sitting across from him, fully ready to see their disgust and fear. Instead, he saw grim determination.

Professor McGonagall's dark eyes were stern, but a small smile touched her lips as she saw Remus scrutinizing her.

"I, and others, have thought you were a werewolf for many years Remus. It wasn't too difficult to figure out. And I must say," she shot a look at Professor Sprout and Professor Sinistra, "I have never felt in danger being around him. In fact, I feel that he is a very competent wizard who'll be an asset to our school and staff."

Amazingly enough, Remus saw others nodding around the table. Those who had fought alongside him in the Order of the Phoenix, those who had taught him and others he didn't even know.

"But what about the students? How'd you protect them last time? How was this all kept secret for so long?" Professor Sinistra spoke up again. Remus felt a pang of sadness for the brief normal interactions he'd had with her before. It appeared there'd be no more flirting from her.

"The year that Remus came to Hogwarts, we planted the whomping willow on the grounds." Dumbledore spoke for the first time in a while. He'd obviously wanted to hear out the teachers' opinions. At his statement, many of the teachers who'd been at Hogwarts then nodded in remembrance.

"The Willow guards the entrance to a tunnel which leads into Hogsmeade," he raised a hand to silence the protestations he saw were about to come from Sinistra. "It leads into the Shrieking Shack where Remus could transform once a month. It was obviously magically protected so no one could break in, and we spread the rumour that the shack was haunted to make people keep away and help explain the strange howling noises emanating from the building."

"What if he'd been seen? What if someone had followed or broken in?"

Remus's eyes flicked to Snape who had remained eerily silent throughout the conversation. His black eyes glittered with hatred. Remus knew that he was remembering the ill-fated prank that Sirius had played on him so many years ago.

He was expecting Snape to blurt out the entire story, but he remained uncharacteristically silent, though his entire body was tensed with anger. He wondered what Dumbledore had said to convince Snape to agree to brew the wolfsbane potion for him and to keep his mouth shut.

"It was the best we could do at the time," Dumbledore replied. "We had many protective spells in place and Madam Pomfrey escorted Remus to and from the willow to be sure that he wasn't followed. Today, we have a remedy of sorts that allows a werewolf to keep his or her human mind at the full moon rendering them harmless to humans. It is a complicated potion known as the wolfsbane potion. It was invented a few years ago by Damocles. It is extremely difficult to brew, that is why not all werewolves have access to it. Luckily though, Severus has kindly agreed to brew it for Remus, allowing him to remain at Hogwarts and be able to teach."

All eyes focused on Snape. He gave a stiff little nod acknowledging the headmasters words, though his jaw was clenched so tightly that Remus was surprised that his teeth weren't cracking under the pressure.

"Remus will of course have to lay low at the full moon. He'll erect appropriate defensive wards preventing anyone from discovering him in his wolf state. This shouldn't disrupt his teaching too greatly. If there is a day of classes that Remus is unable to teach, a free staff member should be able to watch over the class."

"I'm assuming that the students will not be informed." Professor Flitwick said in his squeaky voice.

"That is correct," Dumbledore replied calmly, "I believe that there would be panic amongst the students if they were told. They wouldn't grasp the idea that, though Remus will still turn into a werewolf at the full moon, he will not have any desire to attack any of them. Because there is no danger, no one else needs to know. I'd appreciate it if you simply tell students that he is ill if any questions are raised."

There was silence around the table. Most of the teachers appeared relaxed and accepting, though there were still a few who looked doubtful.

"Well it is getting rather late, and I know you all need to make sure everything is set for tomorrow. Are there any further questions or concerns?" Dumbledore looked around the table, and when there weren't any movements to speak, he dismissed the staff.

Remus pushed his chair back from the table. He was exhausted. The last ten minutes of conversation seemed to have drained him even though he hadn't said anything. He couldn't believe that he was staying at Hogwarts as a professor.

"It's nice to see that you are following your dream," Professor McGonagall's stern voice behind him made him jump. "I always thought you'd be an outstanding teacher."

"Thank you Prof—er Minerva." His face flamed red at his near mistake. Hit was exceedingly awkward to call her by her first name. He really needed to work on that.

McGonagall didn't seem to notice. She smiled and left the staff room with the rest of the tired, shuffling teachers. Remus caught a glimpse of Aurora Sinistra pushing her way through the throng towards the door with a scowl on her face. He had the idea that they weren't going to be having any light-hearted chats over dinner anytime soon.

"Remus!" Hagrid's booming voice behind him made him jump yet again.

He turned and smiled up at Hagrid's beaming face.

"Hagrid! Congratulations on the teaching position."

Hagrid's face broke into a large smile. "Thanks Remus! Same ter yeh." His voice lowered an octave, "Always known yeh were what yeh are. An' I say ter yeh, don't let them others get yeh down. They'll know soon enough that yeh're a righ' good teacher and a good man."

Remus's face flushed with the compliment. He was surprised that so many people had guessed what he was and had kept silent.

"Thanks Hagrid."

With a wave of his enormous hand, Hagrid left the staff room whistling.

He felt better after Hagrid's little pep talk. He too after all was visibly different from everybody else and had been dealing with people's hurtful comments and discrimination all his life and yet kept smiling and finding joy in life. He knew how Remus was feeling now. He was a good example to follow.

The staff room had cleared by now leaving himself, Dumbledore and Snape. Remus felt his heart sinking. He got the feeling that he was about to hear all the comments that Snape had bit back during the meeting.

Instead, all Snape said was, "I will bring the potion to you every day during the week before the full moon."

"Thank you, Severus for—"

Before he could finish, Snape had shot Dumbledore a significant look, then swept from the room.

He had no time to wonder about the meaning of Snape's look, for Dumbledore had risen from the table and said, "Well my boy, shall I show you to your office and quarters? I'm sure you'd like to get settled in before classes begin tomorrow."

"Yes, thank you headmaster."

The two set off together down the corridor outside the staff room. Remus couldn't believe the rollercoaster of emotions he'd experienced over the last couple of hours. Fear, resignation, determination and happiness. Sure he was worried about the days ahead. Would the staff keep his secret? What was Snape up to? Would he be a good teacher? Would he be able to pull off his deception?

The overwhelming support from most of the staff buoyed his spirits. He hadn't thought that most of them had suspected his lycanthropy and had kept silent. For the first time, he really believed that he could do what he'd come here to do.

Before he knew it they were stopping before a plane, unassuming door. Dumbledore reached out and turned the knob.

"Welcome home."

*HP*HP*HP*HP*HP*HP*HP*HP*HP*HP*

Please leave a review!

Well folks, I'm extremely sorry for my long absence. I'd boar you with the details but I'm afraid they'd put you to sleep for several weeks and you'd miss the rest of the summer. Anyways I'm back writing and hopefully the next chapter won't take seventeen months to be written and posted.