The rest of the day seemed to float by slowly and Ichigo did not know how many times he had looked at his watch since he had returned to school after his encounter with Rukia in the gym. As soon as he saw Rukia disappear out the door into the gym, he switched back to his school uniform. Before he had gone back to school, he had decided to walk past the gym windows, hoping to catch a last glimpse of Rukia.
She had been sitting on an exercise bike as he walked past. A smile could be glimpsed on her beautiful red lips and she had waved to Ichigo when he passed. Ichigo remembered how his heart had skipped a beat when he saw her. She was so beautiful, and now that he knew that she finally belonged to him, she was even more beautiful than before.
He had smiled back and thrown a blowkiss before he had disappeared behind the corner and again was in the street among all the people who was out for walks or shopping trips. He had reached the school just in time when the bell rang after the first break and immediately apologized to Keigo for his behaviour. As he suspected Keigo had just laughed and said that he had already forgotten what had happened.
"What fight are you talking about, Ichigo? I have no recent memory of having been beaten by you recently", Keigo had responded. Ichigo could not do much else than to shrug and sit down on his place in the classroom with his classmates.
When the second lesson was over and it was time for lunch, his teacher, Misato Ochi, waved him aside and asked for an explanation of why he so suddenly had left school before it had even started. Ichigo just shrugged his shoulders and said he had had another enragement and that he left school in order to get rid of all the anger that spilled inside of him just after the outbreak. (Ichigo's teacher knew that Ichigo quite often had enragements that could result in that someone other than himself got injured.)
"Okay, Ichigo. I'm glad you're honest with me." Misato gave Ichigo a smile, but soon she became serious again. "You really have to do something to curb those enragements, Ichigo. One day it will lead to something worse than just a regular detention."
Ichigo just nodded and picked up his backpack from a bench. When he had almost reached the door he heard his teacher say his name, so he turned around and looked at her. "Yes, Misato?"
"I let you go for now, okay? Keigo told me everything, and according to him, and several others, it was he who started the fight this time. He said that he had said something nasty about your girlfriend?" Misato looked at Ichigo. "As far as I understand it, you have no girlfriend?"
Ichigo had to smile when he saw his teacher's bewildered gaze. A laugh escaped him and got his face to soften up and show the Ichigo who not too often came up to the surface. "It is true what Keigo says, Misato. I actually have, lo and behold, got a girlfriend. He called her some words that I will not mention here, and which resulted in, as you might imagine, that I was mad at him and wanted to teach him a lesson. I did not mean to go as far as I did, it just happened. However, I have apologized to him, and he was not the least bit offended, since he probably understood that he went too far this time."
Misato nodded and then waved at Ichigo to go. "Well, as long as you both have passed it up, I see no reason for me to detain you any longer. Hurry up now so you don't miss your lunch break, I can see that you are starving, Kurosaki!"
Ichigo just smiled at his teacher and went out from the classroom with a smile. Misato was a really good teacher, she understood things without you having to go into any details with things and she often let her students pass without any punishment, just like this time. Unlike other teachers who rather would have called home to Ichigo's father and then given him several months of detention. Not Misato, no. It was enough that you went on an errand for her or that you stayed an hour after the lesson and did your homework to make her happy and satisfied. She saw no reason to punish her students, since she knew they would not learn any from it.
"Ichigo, over here!"
Ichigo had gone out to the schoolyard, looking for a place to sit down where he could eat his lunch. When he had only gone a few steps he heard Keigo shout his name and when he turned his head he could see Keigo, Chad and Mizuiro who sat on a bench along with their two classmates Inoue Orihime and Arisawa Tatsuki.
Ichigo went to the gang at the bench and sat down next to Tatsuki. He smiled at them all and asked what he had missed on the first lesson, which proved to not be much, if one were to believe the others. On the contrary, all said that the only thing Misato had done was to go through a test that they had done a few weeks ago and finally corrected.
Ichigo let another laugh escape his lips and then he shook his head. "That sounds just like our Misato. So typical of her to let us wait until we are literally walking on needles. What did you think about the lecture she gave on the ninjas, then? If you ask me, I think she was exaggerating a bit."
"Oh, do you really believe that, Kurosaki-kun?" Orihime asked Ichigo and looked at him with wide eyes. "I thought it was really scary when she mentioned that they severed of the limbs from their opponents and let them bleed to death just to give them such a painful death as possible! Ugh, that is an awful way to die!" Orihime shuddered even though it was hot outside.
Tatsuki laid a hand on Orihime's shoulder and smiled at her. "Take it easy, Orihime. Ninjas are long extinct and will not chase you through the entire city just because they want to cut you into pieces! Relax and have fun!"
Orihime blushed and began to stammer, something that everyone who sat around her was accustomed to by now. "B-but... Tatsuki, what if they s-suddenly are coming back? W-what shall I d-do, then?"
Ichigo laughed and patted Orihime kindly on the shoulder while he smiled at her. "I must say I agree with Tatsuki on this one Orihime, you need not worry. If you see some weird type who stalks you, you can always come to Tatsuki or me and we'll make sure that we protect you!"
Orihime got all teary-eyed, leaned over the bench and gave Ichigo a hard hug while she cried of happiness. "Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, Kurosaki-kun! You are the best male friend I have ever had!"
All laughed at Orihime and the atmosphere could not have been better. Ichigo felt as if he was home, now that he was surrounded by his best friends. Maybe everything would be for the better now that he finally had got his dream girl and had friends who he knew cared about him. Yes, everything would be so much easier now.
What Ichigo did not know was that the happiness he at this moment now felt, would not last much longer... Something was on its way that he not even in his worst nightmare could imagine. All would stand on its apex in his life and he would have to make the most difficult decision in his entire life. None of this did Ichigo know, and he was probably very happy about that...
Because even if he had known what was coming, he would not be able to do anything to stop it.
At last the school bell rang, which meant that it was the end of yet another long day at school. All students in the classroom hurried to pack up their school things in their backpacks and headed out through the classroom door to whatever it was they had planned to do after school. For one of the students the long wait for the school to end had been almost unbearable, and now that it finally was over, he was one of the first that ran out through the school gates and out to the fresh air.
He ran as fast as he could to the destination he had made up together with his dream girl. Soon he would be able to see her again, and his happiness would be complete. He had longed so much for her and now that he would soon see her again, it felt as if it could not happen fast enough.
There she was. She was sitting on one of the many park benches with her legs crossed, staring up at the sky. She was so incredibly beautiful where she sat, like a fallen angel without wings. He just could not believe she was his; she was so lovely that he thought it was strange that he had never seen any other guys at his age try to ask her out. It could in itself have to do with that she was not there so often, but he knew there were guys in the Soul Society who would not hesitate to go up to her and ask for a date.
"Rukia..." He stood before her with a smile.
Rukia looked up at him, but there was absolutely no joy in her. It was as if someone had sucked out all her energy and left behind only a shell of the Rukia, whom he knew. His smile vanished instantly. What was it that had happened?
Ichigo sat down next to Rukia and took her hands in his while he placed a kiss on her forehead. "Rukia, darling, what's wrong?"
First, Rukia did not answer Ichigo's question but just looked sadly in front of her, as if she had not heard anything. A tear found its way down along her cheek and Ichigo started to get scared. Why didn't Rukia answer his question, and why was she so sad?
Ichigo kept looking at Rukia and waited for a response. He knew that it would not help if he forced out a response out of Rukia. She was that kind of person who needs to take things at her own pace and Ichigo was accustomed to wait. He could wait forever if he would be needed to.
"I saw you..." Rukia whispered at last. "I saw you with that... Orihime-girl, Ichigo! Do you think I'm so stupid that I do not understand what's going on here, huh? Think you can play with my emotions as you want, do you? I'm not as dumb as I look. I know a scammer when I see one. Believe me, I have come across many."
"Rukia, what are you talking about? Nothing is going on between me and Orihime! We are friends, which are all! It's you I love, nobody else." Ichigo held Rukia's cheeks with his hands and tried to get her to look into his eyes, but Rukia stubbornly looked away.
Ichigo sighed deeply and felt how his heart slowly sank deeper into his chest, as if it was trying to hide from all the pain that it felt right now at the moment. Didn't Rukia trust him? How could she think such a thing about him? It was not like her to think like this at all! He had never seen her like this. This was a new side of Rukia that he did not like.
Did not like at all.
"No, Ichigo, do not start! I do not want to listen to your lies any more! I know what I saw! You laughed and hugged as if you..." Rukia could not continue anymore, instead she let the tears running down her cheeks do the talking. She got up from the bench she stood on and turned her back against him.
She felt like the world's biggest idiot! How had she been able to believe that a fine guy like Ichigo could ever be hers? She did not deserve to be loved, not after what had happened with Shiba Kaien... How could anyone like she get a chance to be loved when she had done something so heinous as killing one of her own, and one who also had been higher up than herself?
"Rukia, hear me out!" Ichigo took a steady hold on Rukia's arms and thereby forced her to look down at him. "I love you above all else, and nothing can change that, do you hear that? There is nothing going on between me and Orihime, we're just friends. If I have to beat it into your skull, I will certainly do that! The only thing I have ever wanted is to be with you and fight Hollows at your side. All my life I have wanted to get stronger so I can protect those weaker than me. This includes you, Rukia. If there's one that I absolutely do not want to lose it is you. You mean everything to me, I could die for you, do you understand that? I love you, Kuchiki Rukia!"
Tears ran down Ichigo's cheeks and the pain that could be glimpsed in his amber coloured eyes got Rukia to just feel more monstrous. She had once again managed to hurt someone she loved, but this time with words instead of with a sword.
"Ichigo..." Rukia did not know what to say. It was as if her mouth was taped. Nothing came out of her mouth besides her lover's name.
This was obviously enough for Ichigo, because he gave her a smile and pulled her down on to the bench again. He then leaned closer towards Rukia and kissed her. In his kiss Rukia could feel Ichigo's love towards her. The feeling was so overwhelming that Rukia felt as if she was about to drown in a sea that did not consist of anything else than Ichigo's love for her.
Never before had she felt anything that even came close to this. Sure, she had loved Shiba Kaien, but this... this was something entirely different. This was the kind of love that you read about in books and that you just can't wait to get to feel yourself, but you never come even close.
Rukia put her arms around Ichigo and pressed him closer to her. She could not get enough of his lips against hers; they were like a drug that she could not live without. She had never wanted another man as much as she wanted Ichigo.
Now that she knew that it was only her that Ichigo wanted and that she had let her jealousy take over, it was as if she could not get close enough to Ichigo. Her whole soul was screaming at her to just rip off his clothes and take him where they were sitting in the park on a bench where anyone could come by and see them.
"Rukia..." Ichigo's voice broke the spell that had put their claws into Rukia and she managed with great difficulty to break away from Ichigo's mouth and open her eyes so that her dark blue could stare into his amber ones.
Ichigo had a big smile on his face and he stroked her cheek tenderly. "Never forget what I just told you, Rukia. For everything I said is true. No one else is like you, and it's okay. I do not want anyone but you, and I hope you understand now. It does not matter how pretty the girls are, you are more beautiful than anyone else I know. You are mine and no one will ever change that."
Their lips met again in a new kiss, but this one was a kiss of forgiveness.
"Oh, Ichigo, I feel really stupid... Can you ever forgive me for all the stupid things that I said? I do not want to lose you and that is why I act so strange... I know it is a lame excuse, but it is the truth... Please..." Rukia was interrupted by Ichigo's finger that was laid upon her lips.
"I know, Rukia. I know too well how you feel." Ichigo lifted up Rukia and placed her in his lap so he could more easily embrace her. He rocked her slowly back and forth while he gave her hair and forehead small kisses.
Rukia closed her eyes and leaned her head against Ichigo's shoulders. She let the feeling of Ichigo's lips against her skin surround her and she was not thinking about anything else than how safe it felt to have Ichigo's arms around her.
"I punched a guy in my class today so that he began to bleed nosebleed. He called you 'a babe' and wondered where I had gotten hold of someone as sexy as you. He also said that as hot as you were, you also need to be really good in bed. I was so pissed when I heard him say such things about you that everything just exploded. That's why I went to the gym while you were there. I needed to get rid of all the anger I felt."
Everything was silent for several minutes. The only sound was the wind that rustled in the trees and the chirping of birds. In the distance you could faintly hear the sound from Karakura Town whose people were making a lot of noises.
It went so far that Ichigo thought that Rukia had fallen asleep and he was just about to shake her when he heard her whisper. At first he could not hear what she said, so he leaned closer to her.
"Did you really... do that? Just to... protect my honour?"
Ichigo had to smile at Rukia's question. This was also so much like her. For her, there were two kinds of battles that must be fought every time she encountered a new enemy. Those were fighting to defend both the lives of others and her honour. Rukia had said that her "Captain" (a certain person who was in charge of a certain number of agents and who gave the orders to which task they would perform next) taught her to fight like this, but she had also mentioned something about a "Shiba Kaien".
As soon as the name escaped from her mouth Ichigo had noticed how her eyes became mournful and the smile that she had on her face slowly disappeared until her mouth had been nothing but a narrow stripe. He had not dared to ask her about it, since he knew it would only result in that she would shut herself out even more from him.
"Of course I will protect your honour, Rukia. No one should ever say anything about you that are not true. It is only fair, don't you think?" Ichigo gave Rukia a kiss on the lips and then hugged her tightly.
"You are so alike him in every way... You even have the same style of hair and the same facial expression..." Rukia whispered as a tear fell down her cheek. She got that sad expression on her face again, and this time it was something within Ichigo that said that this time he should not let Rukia get away. She needed to talk about this Shiba Kaien, which was obvious.
"Rukia, you know you can tell everything to me. Is it Shiba Kaien you're talking about? How am I like him?"
"In every way... You think the same way, you act so much alike... You could have been twins, Ichigo." Rukia smiled a smile that was so full of sorrow that Ichigo had the urge to just hug Rukia and take her away from all the pain which he knew was inside her chest.
"What happened?"
"I killed him, Ichigo. I killed one of my own. He was my best friend and had been an agent for many years before I even was born. He taught me everything there was to learn. He told me that he shared our captain's belief that one is always fighting to save lives and protect their honour. The only difference was that he saw all this as something in common, a 'heart'. He meant that every time you get to know someone, we share a small part of our heart and it stays within the people we come to know.
Kaien always said that whatever happened I should never die by myself, because where would my heart then disappear? It would not end up anywhere, just float around without any clear goal, completely alone, without friends... But if I would die with people around me, they would remember me for who I am and then honour me and make my heart continue to live on.
I have always tried to live like Kaien told me to, but it's so difficult, given what I did to him... Although it was many years ago, before I met you, Ichigo, I still have nightmares about that day... I can not let it go..."
Rukia put her hands on her face and Ichigo both heard and saw how she started to cry. Her shoulders shook and small sobs escaped her lips at regular intervals. Ichigo did not know what more he could do except continue holding Rukia and slowly rock her back and forth while he whispered nice things in her ear.
Inside Ichigo it was quite empty. He felt nothing because he could not believe what Rukia had told him. She, killing another human being? It could not be right, not his beloved Rukia. There must be some mistake; Ichigo knew how easy Rukia took the blame for something she could not do anything about. He trusted her with all his heart, and it told him that Rukia wasn't a murderer.
Without warning, Rukia began to continue her story. It was hard to hear what she said, given that she was crying as she tried to tell him. "We had heard of a real nasty Hollow that had devoured many human souls. We knew that we needed to stop him before he would swallow any more innocent lives. I, Kaien, and our captain, Ukitake, had been tasked to eliminate the Hollow. We found him and that was when Kaien asked for permission to fight the Hollow on his own, since it had killed his wife just days before. I think he wanted to avenge his wife's death while protecting her honour and to ensure that no more people were injured by this Hollow.
In all cases, everything seemed to go well, until the Hollow used his special technique. With it he could take control of another body and get it to do as he wished. He took control of Kaien right in front of me and Ukitake..." Rukia paused and closed her eyes, as if by closing her eyes would make everything that had happened undone.
"Ukitake told me to flee, to run and get some help, and I ran. I really ran, indeed. I was so scared... I could not bear to see Kaien that way... It was then that I heard that Ukitake got one of his attacks, he is seriously ill and can not withstand pressure very good. I decided to turn around and help Ukitake, I owned Kaien at least that much for everything he had done for me in the past.
Then, all is as a fog for me. The only thing I remember is that I pulled my sword and I just was about attacking the Hollow, when Kaien stood before me. His face was green and his eyes had gone from being a jade green to solid black... He had something red that ran down from his eyes and that smile he had on his lips... I have never in my life been so scared as I was in that moment.
The next thing I remember is that I felt how Kaien's body got right through my sword and how he gets all still on my shoulder where he dropped down after all the energy left him. I can feel his blood splash down on my clothes and how his bodyweight forces me down to my knees.
The last thing I remember before my memory fails me is the last words he spoke to me. He said:
"I dragged you into this. My stubbornness has caused you pain.I'm sorry.You must be torn apart inside.Thanks to you, my heart can still stay here".
To hear him say those words made my heart burst when I realized what I had done to the person I revered and loved the most... I'm a monster, Ichigo! I have killed someone that should not have to die!"
Rukia once again burst into tears and Ichigo continued to hold her. He kissed her forehead tenderly and cradled her back and forth. "Rukia, do not think like that. You did not kill him, not in the way you think, at least. On the contrary, you saved Kaien from a fate even worse than death. In his last moments of life, it was you he saw, his partner and saviour. You saved him, Rukia, and you defended his honour at the same time. You did exactly as Kaien trained you to do and I'm pretty sure he felt the same way the moment you stuck the sword in him. He knew you would do the right thing, which you did. Both he and I are so proud of you, Rukia."
Ichigo smiled down towards Rukia and gave her lips a kiss that would show Rukia that he didn't dislike her in any way. He loved her just as she was, and it did not matter what had happened in her past. The most important thing was what she decided to do now, in the present.
Rukia shook her head. She knew deep down that Ichigo was right, she had always known that. But what do you do when you are haunted by feelings of guilt that seems to eat you up from the inside and makes you feel like a monster that will never experience love from another human? Then you act as Rukia, you stop caring about yourself and try to convince yourself that you deserve what has happened to you. You persuade yourself that you are a bad person, that you have done something in a different past that now haunts you and wants revenge.
In short: you feel like you live in a living hell where the only thing that exists is your own pain and guilt that continues to chase you forever.
Without her noticing, Rukia had been lifted up by Ichigo that now was going through the park. Around her the streetlights began to shine and the sun was just about to go down in the horizon. As it did that day when I decided never to visit Ichigo, Rukia thought and felt the tears once again trying to force themselves out of her eyes.
How could she have been so stupid that she thought she could forget Ichigo and avoid him? All she wanted was to protect him from her, as she was afraid she would harm Ichigo if he was with her. So naive she had been who believed that her plan would actually work. She should have realized that Ichigo would not let her escape so easily.
Rukia had been suspecting what Ichigo felt for her under a long time, but she had been too afraid to ask him about it. She had not been sure of her own feelings, so what would have happened if she asked Ichigo if he liked her in that wayand then found out that she only liked him as a friend? It would have been too painful to let Ichigo go through anything like that given to what he already had endured before.
Rukia closed her eyes again and let Ichigo carry her through the city. She knew he would not get tired; she was very light, weighing just over 30 kilos. She had been carried like this many times before by her colleagues when she was injured by a very nasty Hollow.
Soon Rukia felt that Ichigo stopped and she heard a door open. Ichigo whispered something to someone, but Rukia was too tired to open her eyes to see who it was Ichigo talked to. It was as if she had a mist around her who blocked her senses and made her feel so tired and stolen on energy.
They went up a few stairs, and soon another door was opened. Rukia felt that she was laid down on something soft and it was then that she forced herself to open her eyes. The first thing she saw was that she was lying on a bed and when she looked up she saw Ichigo's worried eyes looking down at her. She continued to look around and it was then she realized she was in Ichigo's room. Had he carried her all the way from the park here, to his home? But why?
"Rukia..." Ichigo's voice caused her to once again turn her eyes towards him, and what she saw in his sad eyes made her shrink.
In Ichigo's eyes she could see such a deep disappointment that could not be touched. He was disappointed that she had not trusted him enough to talk about everything that had burdened her during such a long time. Rukia knew that Ichigo just wanted her very best and that if he could, he would change her past so that she might be spared all the pain that she had felt for so many years.
"I am so sorry, Ichigo... I wanted to tell you, I really did, but... I just couldn't. I have been carrying this secret for so long now that I simply did not know how I could make it come out..."
Ichigo stroked Rukia's cheek and then lay down beside her in the bed. He held her from behind, burying his nose deep into her neck. "I know, Rukia. The only thing that matters now is that you finally decided to tell me the truth. I am so happy to know that you trust me enough to tell me all this. You are a very strong woman, Rukia, even if you do not realize it yourself. That's why I love you so much. You never give up, even how impossible the situation seems to be. Keep it up, Rukia. Change nothing about yourself, for you will do just as you are."
A smile appeared on Rukia's lips when she heard Ichigo's words. She knew that all was true, but to hear him say those in the way he did... It warmed her heart.
Rukia turned around and looked into Ichigo's eyes before she kissed him. "Thank you, Ichigo..."