I had never given much thought to how I would die. No, I guess that's not totally true. I mean, everybody has right? Like when you're in the car with a bad driver and you think, Shit! I'm going to die right now! Or at three in the morning when you're feeling philosophical. I mean, half the people in the books I claim to read die. You don't finish Romeo and Juliet and continue to be fooled into thinking you're immortal. Well, I didn't read Romeo and Juliet at all, but I Sparknoted it and was deeply moved by the two young lovers' plight. Why couldn't they all just get along!
But that's neither here nor there. The point is I am dying and I am surprised. I guess it's not a bad way to go: tortured to death on camera by a sadistic monster. Well, I suppose there might be a few better ways, like quietly in your sleep surrounded by your loved ones. Now you might think it's a bit odd to have your loved ones watching you when you sleep, but I assure you, it's not ;) Now, pardon me for going off on a tangent (I promise this is the last time) but I'd like to take a moment to list a few other ways to go that are better than torture: shot in the head, heart attack, drug overdose, hanging, choking, drowning, sucked out into space, most poisons, bow and arrow, guillotine, explosion, freeze to death, carbon monoxide, fall from a great height, animal attack, run over, premature burial, Aztec ritual sacrifice, fall down a well, disease, witchcraft/voodoo, bleed out, hit by bus, hit by truck, hit by horse and buggy, Godzilla and/or the thing from Cloverfield, allergic reaction, cast member of the Broadway Spiderman musical, and Fox news. Well, maybe not that last one, but you get the point. On the other hand (note, my other hand is on fire right now) this is a noble way to go, in place of someone I love. You see I'm sacrificing myself to save my mom, except she was never in danger…and if she was I probably—no definitely—wouldn't have been any help. Maybe this sacrifice wasn't for my mom, but for Edward, yeah, Edward the immortal, super powerful vampire who'd kill himself without me and will eventually (spoilers!) save me…I'm just kidding, that was hardly a spoiler.
Well, I guess despite my imminent doom, I've blathered on enough (for the preface) so let's take the next couple hundred pages to examine the stellar life choices that got me into this vague, unfortunate situation.