Authors note: I had the last chapter in John's pov and in this chapter I'm putting it in Sherlock's pov. Enjoy~
WARNING: DEPRESSION AND SELF HARM
You are such a pain, you've become terribly hard to read, and now I find out you're stressed about me leaving again? When did you become so complicated? Three years ago you were the most easy person to get through to. Now it's different.
I'm not angry at you. I'm angry at myself because clearly while I was gone your emotional state has worsened. I don't regret leaving you though. Because if I hadn't you would have been killed.
But now you have insomnia and I find myself in the rare state of worry. You've lost weight, you seem to get sick so easy, your eyes are sunk in, and you don't look like my John anymore.
You look like a clone that went a bit wrong.
But I don't want this clone. I want the happy John who sat in his chair and drank tea and read the newspaper while I was having a complete metal breakdown because I didn't have cigarettes. You're going through a deep depression. It's obvious to me and everyone around you. It was fairly obvious when I took your blood this morning as well.
There were fourteen fading horizontal lines up your forearm. I wept by your bed side when I saw that. I couldn't look at your other arm. I wouldn't let myself do it. I was afraid that there would be even more of the scars on your other arm.
Why did you do this to yourself? Over me of all people, you harmed yourself. Why?
I can hear you tapping on my door with your pointer finger. You're contemplating whether you should knock or just walk away.
"It's been three hours. I'm sorry if I said something to hurt you but will you come out of your damn room?"
"Why did you do it, John?"
"Do what?" you don't know what I'm talking about.
I swing the door open. I feel more angry than I intended. "I figured out this morning why you've been wearing all the long sleeves since I've been home." I grab your left arm and pull up the sleeve hard. I look at you with anger burning in my eyes.
"Why?" I ask
You hesitate. You won't look at me either. You just look at the scars on your arm. You won't answer me.
"Answer me god dammit! Why did you do this?!"
You look up at me with watery eyes. Oh John. I'm sorry.
"I felt like I had failed at protecting you. I felt like I needed to suffer. I-" You stop and bring your right hand up over your eyes. You're crying. Oh god I hate it when you do that. Because I don't like seeing you so vulnerable.
I pull your arm and bring you into my own arms. I hold onto you for dear life because I can see you fading. In my eyes everyone has a colour. A bright one if they're happy and so very alive and a dark, fading one if they're close to giving up. And your colour is nearly gone and it's scaring me.
My feelings toward you, in all honesty, are not platonic. I do have feelings for you. I don't really like to dabble with sentiment but I can't help that you've made me more human than any other person have ever done with me. People assume that I don't know what love feels like, but I do.
Maybe one day i'll tell you that story. I once loved someone. Actually it was about a year before I met you. But I suppose all that can wait until later.
You are sobbing into my shoulder. A combination of being over tired and just sadness. You're letting out heaving breathes. "Shhhh. It's alright. It's fine. It's...it's all fine" I whisper into your hair.
We stand in my bedroom doorway, just holding each other, for two hours.
The next four days are different. You seem to be a bit happier. Although no matter what I do, you still wake up screaming for me. But today, you seem particularly jittery.
"What are you doing tonight?" you ask with a smile
"I don't think I have anything planned. Why?"
"We're having a movie night." Oh god.
"What?"
"We're having a movie night, Sherlock. I have three movies I want to watch tonight and they're all several hours long. I don't want to be alone while watching them. So you, my friend, are watching them with me."
I laugh because you seem rather excited. "Alright. It depends on the movies. What are they?"
"Lord of the rings!" Oh god! Mycroft rather enjoys those
"I decline."
"No no no you said you weren't busy. You are watching these if it kills you. Think of it as a sort of date thing."
"A date?"
"Yes. I believe I've explained this before. It's when two people who like each other go out and have fun. But you don't necessarily have to go out."
"Alright. Fine." I'll do it because it makes you happy. And I rarely see you like that now.
It's late at night when we sit on the couch to watch the movies.
The music in them is rather nice and the cinematography is beautiful. The story line isn't half bad either. I can see why Mycroft enjoys them. By the time the second movie is over, you're already half asleep.
Into the third movie you fall into slumber. I switch the telly off but before I can get up to go to my room you put you're head on my chest. Unknowingly, obviously. I try to move you without waking you but it's no use. I can't move without waking you and I don't want to do that. Not at all.
I look at your slack face. It's funny, you look rather comfortable right at this moment.
I bury my nose in your hair. You smell of shampoo and cologne. You smell like the old you.
I wrap my arms around you and drift off myself.
Tonight, you don't scream for me at all. You sleep through the entire night without any problem at all.
The next morning I wake up and you're in the kitchen, making tea. "Good morning" I say standing up.
"Good morning" You reply not looking up from the kettle.
"You slept well last night."
"Yes, actually. It's refreshing. Thanks for that."
"Thanks for what?"
"You must have crunched a sleeping pill in my drink last night right? That's why I slept so well."
What are you talking about? You're an idiot.
"I didn't do anything last night."
"mhm sure."
"John, honestly why would I do that?"
"I don't know but I know you did. You had to have."
"Well I didn't. You must have been comfortable that's all"
You hand me a cup of tea and sit in your chair.
"I suppose. You swear you didn't put anything in my drink or food?"
"I promise."