Disclaimer: I do not own Glee.
AN: I'm switching things up a little bit, and splitting this chapter between Kurt and Jesse - so there are a lot of Klaine and St. Berry overtones, but it still retains all the Blainchel overtones - and I think you should all worship Ashley (aceftepicw) because I don't think this could have been written without her, especially the Jesse bits.
KURT
Kurt was used to Rachel's flair for the dramatic, but it was still somewhat of a surprise to see her march down the aisles of the tiny theater, bound up the stairs on the side of the stage and slap Jesse St. James across the face without any kind of preamble. The ensemble gathered on stage let out a collective gasp of horror, as if it were part of the choreography Jesse had been demonstrating when Rachel had stormed in, despite his and Blaine's complaints that there was clearly a rehearsal in progress. What was even more surprising though was that she didn't immediately start screaming at Jesse, but instead stood defiantly across from him with her hands on her hips, waiting for him to gather his wits.
"Clearly I haven't been slapped enough lately, since that actually stings," Kurt heard Jesse say as he and Blaine finally made it the stage.
"Clearly you deserved nothing less, Jesse St. James," Rachel huffed in annoyance.
"I'm sure you have a list," Jesse laughed from behind his classic bemused smirk. "But if you had to pick one, it would be what exactly?"
"It'd be that you haven't once told me you were in New York to even visit," Rachel exclaimed with a stamp of her foot, "much less that you've obviously been here long enough to establish yourself within a theater company that thinks enough of you to have you choreograph entire musicals!"
"You're mad because I didn't call, right?" Jesse surmised and it was all Kurt could do to hold back his own laughter as Rachel stammered and sputtered out a series of no-s, and that's-hardly-the-point-s. They two continued to bicker and Kurt nudged Blaine with his shoulder, cocking his head slightly towards the row of empty seats facing the stage. Blaine hesitated, looking towards Rachel with worry, and it occurred to Kurt that while Blaine certainly knew of Jesse and his sordid love affair with Rachel, he'd never seen them interact before. He nudged Blaine again, more insistent this time.
"Did you bring any popcorn?" Kurt half-whispered as they sat down, Blaine's eyes still glued to the stage.
Blaine shifted uncomfortably and asked, "Is this normal?"
"You mean the thinly-veiled hatred with an underlying subtext of sexual tension?" Kurt suggested with a smile, sighing when Blaine's frown only seemed to deepen. "This is pretty normal for them, yes. They like to fight. When they start making out though, you may want to run for cover. Or keep an eye out for Finn, he usually shows up about that time."
"I've heard what happens when he's around, thank you," Blaine snapped and sat back in his chair with his arms crossed over his chest; and while he watched Jesse and Rachel embrace, Kurt watched Blaine. His face was painted with concern and worry – and if Kurt were to be honest, he was a little of both as Rachel usually imploded anytime Jesse was around – but there was something else in his gaze that seemed out of place: possession. It was subtle, quiet even and he was convinced he was the only person in the world who could have picked it out of Blaine's expression. While it made sense to an extent, it was not something he ever expected Blaine to direct towards Rachel.
"I'd understand you acting this way if you knew him," Kurt whispered, "but you've never really met him, so why are you so wound up over this?"
"I know enough about him to be cautious for her," Blaine replied in a clipped voice. "Rachel's my best friend and I don't want her to get hurt."
The bottom of Kurt's stomach seemed to drop out every time someone reminded him of the distance currently between him and Blaine. Even when they'd lived in separate states, it hadn't seemed as vast as it did now. Even when he'd made the biggest mistake of his life and broken up with him, Blaine hadn't seemed as far away from him as he did right now, sitting mere inches away from him in an empty theater. And it was entirely his own fault, Kurt knew that. It had been his choices, his decisions that he'd made without Blaine, that forced them apart. That made them practically strangers.
He sometimes wished they had just continued being strangers. He could deal with that better, in theory, than this torture that was them trying to be just friends, because being friends wasn't the problem. The problem was that he was still in love with Blaine. It wasn't even like his sophomore year when he'd convinced himself he was in love with Finn; no, he was still in love with someone who used to love him back. He didn't have to imagine what it felt like to fall asleep in Blaine's arms because it was something he knew that all too well. Even nearly two years later, he could remember the way Blaine always smelled faintly of cayenne and cocoa, the sleepy, lazy grin that he would wake up with in the morning, the way Blaine would beg him to sleep in just this once and how, on some days, Kurt couldn't find it in his heart to say no. There were days when he felt like Blaine's entire world.
He missed it more than anything; and even though he knew neither of them were doing it maliciously, every time Rachel and Blaine laughed over some inside joke, every time they hugged each other for even a second longer than they clung to him, every time they did something so little as go grocery shopping without inviting him, it killed him a little inside. Their friendship used to be his after all. He was the one Blaine would run to when he was upset, or excited, or even just plain bored. They used to be that effortless and now everything still felt stalled and awkward no matter how hard he tried to be casual.
But if they were going to have a chance at all, he had to be casual, even if it was slowly killing him inside. So he summoned up an easy smile in response and simply said "then we'll both have to look out for her, won't we?" and was greatly relieved to see Blaine's tiny grin in return. He seemed to relax a bit more after that and was once again his pleasant self when Jesse and Rachel finally rejoined them.
"When Cassandra came in whining about some NYADA freshman stealing Sally from her," Jesse was saying, his arm slung loosely about Rachel's shoulder, "I should have realized it was you. Of course, she's about as talented as a blind pig in a dress, so that's what I said instead."
"I'm a sophomore, actually," Rachel corrected him, "and please tell me you didn't actually tell her that."
Jesse gave her a look that even Kurt could tell meant that, yes, he had actually said that, and Rachel just scoffed and muttered something about her cast-mates already hating her. "Charming as ever, I see," Kurt interjected, cutting her rant off mid-sentence.
"And your skin's as dry as ever," Jesse retorted and Kurt couldn't help the hand that immediately went to his face to check for flaky spots. "It's so good to see neither of us have changed at all."
"Well you're being passed over for leading roles," Kurt said, scratching slightly at a spot on his chin that he couldn't quite remember moisturizing that morning, "so I assume someone finally managed to convince you that your considerable talent is wasted on your big mouth."
"Wrong again," Jesse smirked. "My big mouth is my considerable talent. I'm heading the choreography department now. As it turns out, I'm actually very good at it."
"Choreography?" Blaine asked, seeming to jump at the opening in the conversation as he stood up next to Rachel.
"Bossing people around," Jesse answered immediately, then paused for a moment to stare at Blaine, then back to Kurt, then Blaine again until something clicked in his eyes. "Blaine, right?," he said, holding out his hand which Blaine immediately grasped "I don't think we ever officially met. I was at your prom though; you went with Kurt. I see you two are grasping onto the high school sweetheart cliché. Good for you."
"We're not together," Kurt and Blaine blurted out at the exact same time Rachel said a little too quickly for Kurt's liking, "they're not together."
Jesse shot a dubious look in Rachel directions, something Kurt almost missed as he was staring after her himself in slight disbelief. She wouldn't meet his gaze directly either, alternating between staring resolutely at Jesse or at the floor as a heavy blush crept over her cheeks. Not that is mattered at all to Jesse as he muttered "whatever," not fazed in the slightest by the odd tension that hung between the younger three. It was one thing for Blaine to say it, another thing for Kurt to admit it, but for Rachel – why would she feel the need to announce that? She had spent the better part of last year trying to convince Kurt that Blaine was perfect for him; even when she didn't know the real reasons why they had broken up and continued to be so. As irrational as it was, hearing the words "they're not together" tumbling from her mouth felt like his last hope was slowly disappearing. She was supposed to be on his side, always, even when he didn't want her to be and it was this nagging thought that ate at Kurt for the rest of the evening.
-:-
JESSE
He wasn't stupid. Jesse knew she was in New York and had been for over a year; in fact, he would have been physically sick with disappointment if she had ended up anywhere else, or worse, allowed herself to be suckered into staying in Ohio by that cro-magnon hulk of a boyfriend who got confused over the new flavor of Skittles. How Rachel had ever thought she could be happy with Finn, he didn't understand. But she did at least seem to be, in her own way and if that meant Jesse had to step out of the picture, then that's what it meant. Her and Finn – it was never meant to last; the cracks had shown even as she hugged him goodbye in front of NYADA when she moved in.
Of course Jesse knew she was at NYADA. He hadn't planned it, but he had an audition at a nearby theater and stopped at a coffee shop to mentally terrorize and judge the new round of students accepted by the school that had rejected him. There weren't a lot of them that year, but she would have been easy to spot even if there had been a crowd of hundreds. Because she was Rachel Berry and she was – and still is, of course – illuminating. He longed to go to her, to make his presence know, but to be honest, he was so tired of putting everything on the line for her, only to forgotten once again. He could admit to himself that she had broken his heart, but that was privileged information., and while, undoubtedly he would eventually make the same mistake again, but he was Jesse St. James and that had to count for something.
But that didn't mean he didn't know about her. Every now and then, she'd be coming down the steps as he got his coffee, or she'd almost just pass him on the street as she went to her dorm and he to practice. He almost always saw her with a smile; the girl's smile, the real one and not the actress'. She was often on the phone, laughing hysterically over the other end and it pleased him to know that whoever it was, it wasn't Finn. At least, that's what he imagined, because it didn't make him want to punch a wall every time he thought about it.
He could have been the one to approach her. It was logical to assume that he would since he, after all, was aware of her existence in the city. But every day that passed where he didn't, he felt the absolute inevitability that she would find him one day. So he just lived his life, passing the time until she did. He settled into his new company, quickly finding an aptitude for making untrained bohemians presentable on stage through choreography, and soon getting paid to do so. Other studios even started borrowing him, and while he occasionally missed being in the spotlight, it was strange how satisfied he could be watching his work be perfected in front a nearly, sometimes, sold-out crowd. But the thought of Rachel Berry flickered in the corner of his mind, whispering that she would have loved it too. He just wished she would hurry up and find him.
It took her nearly a year, but by her choice of re-introduction, it was like no time had passed at all; her eyes were big and wild with just a hint of hurt, but mostly happy surprise and the sting on his cheek from her slap was more than worth it. Despite all the drama that typically surrounded them, the two of them, they were actually very simple and easy and fell back into their old camaraderie almost instantly. And by her lead, he found himself actually enjoying the company of a more mellow Kurt Hummel and this Blaine kid that Jesse hadn't really bothered to know a few years ago.
He found himself hanging out with the three of them on a constant basis and barely a month later, he could see why she was so close to them. Kurt, she maintained, had always been her other half but he'd never seen her be as open with anyone as she was with Blaine. They seemed to instinctively understand each other, laughing at jokes before they were finished, smiling at each other in random intervals. And Blaine was an easy-going guy, even Jesse had to admit he liked him, but there was just something different about the way he and Rachel were together. He wasn't exactly sure when it clicked, but once the idea was in his head, he was sure he was right. They could be friends all they liked, but that didn't mean Rachel wasn't infatuated with him, or that Blaine wasn't himself. They had a crush, at the very least.
"So Rachel and Blaine," Jesse said to Kurt as they waited for the aforementioned pair to join them for dinner.
"Is that a question?" Kurt responded.
"An observation," Jesse prompted. "They're pretty close."
"Yeah, I guess," Kurt said with a shrug and Jesse wondered just how blind one had to be before it was considered a medical condition. "They've always had a lot in common, even if they didn't know it and I'm pretty sure Rachel had a little thing for him once. Briefly, anyway. They made out once at this party and it was disastrous, but you know Rachel, she likes to sink her claws into anyone who gives her the time of day. And Blaine, well he likes being liked. In a way, they're perfect for each other."
"I thought I was the cynic," Jesse scoffed.
"I'm not being cynical," Kurt insisted as he took a sip of his coffee. "I'm just saying that they get from each other what they need. That's great, that's was friends are for."
"But you don't think it's anything more than that?" Jesse pressed.
"Well it can't be," Kurt said matter-of-factly. "Blaine is gay. Ironically, it was Rachel who made him realize that."
He barely listened as Kurt prattled on about some party Rachel had thrown in her junior year and a game of spin the bottle which resulted in a drunk lip-lock. Maybe he was wrong and they were just friends. He knew enough gay men to know that they could be extremely personal, especially if most of their friends were women. Half the time, these people tended to act like more of a couple than anyone they were dating. But sometimes Blaine would look at Rachel, or she would touch his arm, and they would lean into each other without even realizing it and if he were any random stranger on the street, Jesse wouldn't have believe a word out of Kurt's mouth.
The obvious solution would be to ask Rachel, but that presented an entirely separate realm of problems. If she was, in fact, in any kind of relationship with Blaine, Jesse wasn't sure how he would process that, because that would mean there was even less hope than before. He didn't like the think he pined after her – especially not since it had only been a month since they truly reconnected – but he did often wonder if she felt like they had unfinished business. There was so much left unresolved between them and he wanted so badly to know if she ever truly forgave him for breaking his heart, if she even thought twice about him before she ran back to Finn, or if she even thought about him at all. He just wanted it finished, one way or another, but there was something holding her back from him, or him from her. He wanted her, had always wanted her, but the more time that passed, the possibility of them seemed to drift further away.
But for now, until he knew the whole story, he would content himself with being near her. He would be happy as long as she was, but the moment she looked even a little saddened, he would take his chance, and this time, he wouldn't give her up so easily. This was going to be his time, if she'd give it to him.
-:-
KURT
If anyone had told him that only one short month later he'd be sitting in a restaurant with only Jesse for company, Kurt would have personally paid to have their heads examined. But there he was, in the middle of October actually enjoying himself. Jesse was still very Jesse, that much was true. He was still brash, borderline rude, and slightly unhinged, but finding his niche had done wonders for his tolerance level in that he didn't immediately ostracize everyone he came across. Not to mention the fact he'd been nothing but a gentleman towards Rachel since that day in the theater, which was a great relief to them all, but especially to Blaine.
It had taken about a week to warm up to him, and Kurt suspected Rachel had a large part to do with it, but Blaine and Jesse got along the best of them all. They had more differences than they had things in common, but that only proved to strengthen their friendship. They argued more than they agreed on anything, but it was always in good humor and apart from Rachel, Kurt couldn't think of another person who had ever gotten Jesse to admit he was wrong about something.
In a way, Kurt was glad Blaine and Jesse had connected – though there was a few days when he wondered if Blaine had developed a crush on Jesse, though he was assured that wasn't the case – but it also meant there was yet another person that Blaine divided his time up for and between Rachel, Jesse, and school, Kurt felt like he was slipping further and further away. He wasn't sure what scared him more, that he was being left behind, or that on some days, he didn't really seem to mind.
Maybe that was the cure, he thought, to actually being friends. It was finally starting to feel that way. Sure, the four of them usually hung out as a group, but every now and then Blaine would sit next to Kurt instead of Rachel, or instead of Jesse. He would rest his forehead on Kurt's shoulder when he laughed or started to get tired. He would text Kurt for his opinion on a set of lyrics he was working on for his class, or to correct all his professors' lectures. And slowly, but surely, Kurt was learning to accept these things as enough instead of longing for something more, even if that's what he was ultimately holding out for.
Rachel and Blaine's laughter announced their presence more than anything else. His arms were wrapped securely around her waist as he whispered something in her ear before she erupted into another round of giggles, tugging playfully at his hair in retaliation to whatever he'd said. As they approached the table, they parted; Rachel slid into the booth next to Jesse and Blaine next to Kurt, but they continued to gaze at each other, barely suppressing their mirth. Kurt felt Blaine's knee jerk forward, immediately followed by Rachel's foot colliding into Kurt's kneecap.
"Control yourselves, please!" he cried, rubbing the offended knee with his hand as Blaine dissolved into a fit of silent laughter while Rachel apologized to Kurt profusely, still managing to somehow insist that is was not her fault. "I don't know why we go out in public with you two."
"Because otherwise your only source of entertainment would be watching Jesse drool over the waitress," Blaine said as he reached to take a swig of Jesse's coffee, only to find that it had suddenly moved just out of his reach.
"I happen to have full control over my motor functions, thank you," Jesse remarked just as the waitress in question appeared at the corner of their table and Kurt had to admire the fact that Jesse didn't even appear flustered at all, just leaned around Rachel and asked for a new cup of coffee for Blaine, actually winking at the willowy blonde as she started a new tab. It took another 15 minutes to order as Rachel had one of her infamous food crises in which she couldn't decide what she wanted to eat – Blaine settled it by ordering one of her two choice with the promise that they could switch if she didn't like hers.
"I don't understand why you don't ask her out," Blaine repeated as Jesse just rolled his eyes.
"If you like her so much, then by all means, you do it," Jesse replied with a roll of her eyes, causing Kurt to laugh. An annoyed expression crossed over Blaine's features as he sat back in his seat and began tearing the corners off his napkin as Jesse continued, "I don't date."
"That's not strictly true," Rachel supplied, staring pointedly at him.
"You're always the exception," Jesse said, shrugging in a non-committal way but Kurt noticed the red tinge that had suddenly appeared around his temples, and the pink that spread across Rachel's cheek as she looked away from him at towards Blaine, who was now drumming the edge of his fork against the table with an irregular rhythm.
"She's not exactly my type," Blaine muttered, staring at his hands.
"That's the truth," Kurt said, nodding emphatically.
"For all you know, she's just a struggling actress," Jesse said, "Isn't talented and nearly-overbearing your type?"
It was hard not to glare at Jesse the way Blaine and Rachel were, even though Kurt couldn't help but feel the comment was directed towards him more than anything. The backhanded insult that managed to describe at least half of the table, but while Rachel was all of those things as much as he was, she wasn't Blaine's type any more than the blonde waitress. "I think what Blaine actually meant," Kurt snipped, "is that she's a girl."
"That's actually not what I meant either," Blaine said briskly before directing his attention back to Jesse. "I just think if you're going to force us to eat here, you should at least get us a discount."
"What did you mean then?" Kurt asked, voice louder than was probably necessary, but all conversation immediately stopped as Blaine turned back to him, the color visibly draining from his face. Kurt looked over to Jesse, who seemed just as confused as he did, then to Rachel, who seemed to mirror Blaine with her wide eyes and worried lip. And the guilt in her face, the complete and utter guilt in her face scared Kurt more than he would ever like to admit.
"I- It's not a big- can we talk about this outside?" Blaine stammered, not quite meeting his eyes.
"Talk about what?" Kurt demanded.
"Not here, okay?" Blaine pleaded and the panic in Kurt welled up even more, remembering all the times Blaine has used that voice on him and all the things it eventually came to mean. It was always something wrong. Something painful, whether it was something Blaine was ashamed of or something he was scared of, but always extremely hurtful to both of them. The last time he'd heard that voice, Blaine had insisted he never wanted to see him again and it took months before he did.
Rachel cleared her throat and an irrational flare of rage shot through Kurt when Blaine glanced at her. "Don't look at Rachel," he snapped, turning Blaine's face towards his again. "Tell me what the hell is going on here. Everyone else seems to know except me."
"I don't know what's going on," Jesse whispered.
"Do not touch me," Blaine hissed, knocking Kurt's hand away, "and I do not want to talk about it."
"Well I do!" Kurt yelled. He couldn't seem to stop himself, nor could he stop himself from running after Blaine as he got up from his seat and stalked towards the door; couldn't help the hand on Blaine's arms that forced him to turn around in the middle of the busy restaurant. And he especially couldn't help the demands that flew out of his mouth.
"I'm bi!" Blaine finally screamed, throwing his arms up in that air. "Okay? That's the big fucking secret."
"Oh God," Kurt cringed. "We've been through this before, Blaine, you're not bi."
"Fuck you," Blaine growled and this time he made it out the door before Kurt could follow him. He felt rooted to the spot, starting at the swinging door and it took him a moment to realize that the majority of the restaurant had turned to look at him. A wave of embarrassment washed over him, but not for being stared at. No, that was the least of his concerns at the moment. It was like a big joke, some big cosmic riot designed to sweep the floor from underneath him and even worse than that, everyone was in on it. The crowd at the diner, Jesse St. James, Rachel.
God, even Rachel knew! She had to know; she and Blaine had been fused at the hip ever since he'd moved to New York. And wasn't it Rachel that had started this whole business to begin with, back in high school at her stupid party in her stupid basement and her stupid games of spin the bottle? And wasn't that her now, rushing out the door after Blaine. Not this time, Kurt thought. He wouldn't let them leave him behind again, wouldn't let them shut him out of their so freaking special friendship that he couldn't possibly understand.
Because this bisexual... thing, this was something Rachel couldn't understand. Of course Blaine would tell her, she wouldn't even question him about it because she didn't know. She didn't know what it was to be afraid of a part of herself, or that saying you were bisexual was just a way to appease the masses. To them, it meant you weren't a complete freak, not totally. "But you like girls, too?" they always asked and then smiled as if being gay was truly just a phase to grow out of. Rachel would let Blaine walk right into that, but Kurt wouldn't – he cared about him too much.
Rachel had Blaine's face cradled in her hands, speaking rapidly when Kurt made it outside. Half of him wanted to physically rip her away from him, and the other half didn't stop him as he did just that. "How long have you known?" he hissed, gripping her elbow and spinning her away from Blaine. "How long have you been laughing at me behind my back?"
"Kurt!" Rachel gasped, too surprised to really fight him off. "No! It's not like that. Kurt-"
"What?" Kurt continued to scream. "You just forgot to tell me? Or decided I didn't need to know?"
"Don't yell at her," Blaine demanded, prying loose Kurt's grip on Rachel's arm. "She was just being a good friend. My friend."
"She's my friend too Blaine!" Kurt screeched. "She was my friend first and she has never kept any secrets from me until now."
"But it was my secret!" Blaine screamed back at him and Kurt took an involuntary step back, distancing himself from the dark sheen that clouded Blaine's eyes in anger.
"Stop it!" and how Rachel always managed to hit the exact pitch that left his ears ringing, Kurt would never know but now she stood between the two boys, her face furious and flushed. Blaine continued to glower at him over her head, his jaw locked per her request. Kurt however tried to speak, only to be met with a withering glare that forced him to bite his tongue. With a deep sigh, Rachel spoke first to Kurt, something he noticed with smug satisfaction. "I told him to tell you Kurt," she insisted, her voice even and calm, "but he had his own reasons for not doing so, reasons that had nothing to do with our friendship, or my friendship with Blaine and everything to do with the two of you and your lack of a civil relationship at the time. And because I love and respect both of you, I kept my word to Blaine that I wouldn't tell you until he was ready, while at the same time reminding him that you had a right to know if and when you rebuilt your friendship.
"And you have," Rachel said, turning on Blaine who was looking at his shoes again, embarrassed. "I know this is not how you wanted to have this talk with him, but you let it out and now he deserves an explanation. Because I'm sure he's just as blindsided by this as I was when you told me af-" her impeccable speech faltered for a moment, a split second that Kurt might have missed if her weren't hanging on her every word; "when you told me. Maybe even more so since he was your first real boyfriend."
Rachel's voice dropped to a whisper and she reached for Blaine's hand, giving it a soft squeeze as she said, "talk to him, okay?" and Blaine nodded at her pleading tone. Rachel reached around for Kurt's hand and held in in her other, repeating the same question, to which Kurt found himself nodding as well.
Rachel turned to go back into the restaurant, her hand lingering in Blaine's for a moment longer, but it seemed like Blaine responded to it, pulling confidence from it instead of anger. It's was always remarkable to Kurt, how much Blaine could let show in his face, eyes, body language whereas Kurt struggled constantly to keep himself in check. It was only in moments of complete relief or weakness that he let people see through him; except for when he felt close to Blaine, there he could be just as transparent.
That's what hurt the most, he decided; not that Blaine had a secret, but that Kurt never even suspected.
"So," Kurt tried, drawing the syllable out until he could decide on which question to ask first. While he still thought the bisexuality was an excuse, a way for Blaine to make life easier on himself, he could at least hear the other boy out. He'd have to, he realized, or it would be just another reason for Blaine to leave him behind completely. "This is a real thing, then?"
"Yes," Blaine replied with a slight roll to his eyes, arms still crossed defensively. "It's not a thing either, it's who I am as much as being gay is who you are."
"I just feel like I need to remind you," Kurt said, hoping his voice sounded a gentle as he thought it did, "that you did already explore this and you said you were gay."
"I wasn't- I said that but-," Blaine stammered, rubbing the back of his neck in agitation. "It was different then. I was already... at the time, I had more feelings for you than I had for anyone else."
Kurt tried to ignore the old fluttering in his heart that returned with that simple admission; that Blaine had considered him for longer than he let on, it was news to him. "Oh," he finally said. "I guess I can't be mad at you for that."
Blaine chuckled slightly as he explained. "It's not like a purposely lied about it. I didn't even realize it was a lie, to be honest. I just knew that I cared more about you than anything I might have with someone else. It wasn't until after you- after we broke up that I even thought about it again."
"And how did that happen exactly?"
This time Blaine really did laugh and started singing with an amiable grin on his face: "I got brave, drink in hand, lost my discretion" and as much as he didn't want to, as much as this was meant to be a serious 'remind Blaine how gay he is' talk, Kurt couldn't hold in his own laughter as Blaine continued singing "I kissed a girl" as if bursting into song was a perfectly acceptable way to hold a conversation. And they'd used to do this, sing random lyrics to each other when the occasion would rise. It was utterly ridiculous, but it was their thing.
-:-
JESSE
Rachel was near tears by the time she reentered the restaurant, her eyes rimmed red with frustration. Jesse wasn't at all surprised with Blaine's outburst, though it did seem to confirm his suspicions about his relationship with Rachel and any doubt he may have still had flown out the door with her as she raced after him in his distress. Clearly, there was more going on between the two of them than they wanted to let on, but they weren't exactly subtle about it. Honestly, he expected more out of Rachel, given her dreams to be an actress; or perhaps he spent too much time micro-analyzing her every move.
"Are you okay?" Jesse asked as she sat down next to him, her arms wrapped around her.
"They're just so angry at each other," Rachel sniffed, shaking her head a little, "and I can't fix it for them. Kurt started yelling at me, and then Blaine was yelling at him for yelling at me. I just left them out there, Jesse. I told him to tell him, I told him so many times that the longer he waited, the worse it would get."
"So Kurt really didn't know about Blaine?" Jesse mused, slinging his arm loosely around the back of the booth. "I thought it was pretty obvious."
"What do you mean?" Rachel gasped, turning to face him for the first time.
"Well you two are dating, aren't you?" Jesse smirked, pleased with her flabbergasted attempts of denial. "You're at least sleeping together."
"I'm sure I don't know what you mean," Rachel said quickly, but her eyes were too wide, her face too flushed for him to possibly believe her. "Blaine and I- we're not- I mean there's- We're not dating Jesse!" she finished in a high squeaky voice.
"Want to try that line again?" he laughed and wasn't even silenced by her glare.
"NO!" Rachel screamed, practically slamming her head against the table and clasped her hands to her ears. "We're not- I don't even know how you know any of this. It's just complicated Jesse."
Her back heaved with an irregular rhythm and the smile dropped from his face he realized she might actually be crying. An uncharacteristic well of anxiety rose in him. Loud, frantic, dramatic Rachel Berry, he could deal with. Crying Rachel Berry, that was an entirely different monster he had never met. "Don't do that," he said, rubbing circles through her shirt, "It's not worth crying over."
"I'm not crying," Rachel declared, whipping her hair over her shoulder and staring him point blank in the face. "I'm hyperventilating because everything is wrong and it's all your fault!"
"My fault?" he cried.
"Maybe!" she groaned, resting her head on his shoulder. "I don't know! You just aren't supposed to know these things and you do and I don't know how you do, but it just makes everything even more complicated than it already is and why do you always, always do this?"
He listened to her read off a list of his sins – how he'd used her, how he'd dangled a relationship with her mother in front of her and torn it away, how he'd broken her heart, then broke an egg on her head. He ruined her prom, distracted her during Nationals, and several other things he didn't remember doing or having any part in other than maybe being in the same room at the time. He never realized how much she blamed him for, and worse, how much he cared. Every new revelation, whether he thought it was his fault or not, was like she was pricking him with a needle, deeper and deeper each time, and there was only so much he could take before he started aiming for blood himself.
"And what about you? You used me to get to Finn and I even let you sometimes," Jesse argued. "It's not like you're a saint either and I'm sorry if being around me means you have to own up to reality. Because this is what you do, Rachel. You take an easy, simple thing and make it ten times more complicated than it needs to be because you need drama. You're sleeping with a gay man, fine, but don't pretend like you're not. Not with me."
She glared at him, and he was determined not to break away from it. That was the thing with them. They were both incredibly stubborn and when that came head-to-head, there was really no telling which way it could go. They could argue for days – and in fact had done so – and it wasn't in him to just lie down and take it. Maybe that's what she needed, why she needed Finn, because he never seemed to understand that as complex as Rachel was, she still needed to be challenged. If they did fight, however, he'd never had the restraint to be anything but blunt. If she were upset now, he would only make it worse. He never wanted to do that, but that was usually how it went.
"Why do you always have to be so right?" Rachel sighed, giving him a small grin.
"It's one of my many talents," Jesse smiled back, breathing an internal sigh of relief that she hadn't taken his snide remarks offensively, no matter how true they might have been.
The waitress came by with their food bundled up in to-go boxes - "Just a hunch," she'd said – and while Rachel dug around in her purse for her wallet, Jesse handed a fifty dollar bill to the girl, telling her to keep the change and ushered Rachel out of the restaurant. "So do you want to talk about it now?" he asked as they walked towards the bus stop.
"Not really," she muttered, shifting the bag of food in her hands. She insisted on carrying them after he'd paid and no amount of cajoling could have convinced her otherwise.
"Look," Jesse said as he stepped in front of her, forcing her to look at him. "It's not my business and from what I can see, you do look happy. But if he's playing you, or leading you on by feeding you the 'oh let's just keep it casual and be friends still' then you need to know you're worth more than that. You deserve more than that and in fact, you should demand it."
Her eyebrows quirked ever so slightly as she glanced him over with a curious smile and his mind suddenly flashed back to her sophomore year, when they'd met. He hadn't really been interested in her at all, she was a pawn to win another National Championship, and a bizarre favor to his mentor. But he'd always had an appreciation for her and the longer the charade when on for him, the harder it got to tell what his emotions were actually doing. But he knew she was a beautiful, misunderstood person who deserved more than she was getting. But this was nearly four years after he muttered the words "epic romance" and instead of dim library lights casting shadows across an uncertain teenager, the glow of New York surrounded her, bathing her in confidence; she had never looked more beautiful to him.
"Thank you, Jesse," Rachel finally said as the bus came and waited until they were seated before she continued. "I don't want you to think Blaine is using me. He's not that kind of guy and I like to think I've grown up enough to not let that happen again. What Blaine and I have is- it's hard to describe but it's mutual, whatever it is."
"Then why would you settle for a psuedo-relationship if it's so mutual?"
"Because there's a lot of extenuating circumstances," Rachel explained. "First, obviously, is that he's my best friend. And we've been lucky so far to have not ruined that, but I'm afraid we will. Then there was the Kurt matter and we didn't want to hurt him by throwing this in his face, especially when he didn't even know Blaine had changed. And besides, with Blaine just starting college, and me in my second year at NYADA, there's just more important things to focus on than our love lives."
"Are these even your words?" Jesse teased, only the smallest bit of disdain leaking through.
"They are," Rachel nodded. "I've grown up a lot in the last year. I realize there are more important things than what boy I may or may not be dating. I have to look out for myself, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy Blaine's company in the mean time. He makes me laugh, he's considerate, he has this way of keeping me balanced when I spin out of control. He's always been able to do that for me, even before we started sleeping together, and nothing about that has changed. He is still Blaine, I am still Rachel, and that's enough for me right now." There was a slight pause before she said with her eyes lit up, "And you're right. I am happy."
"That's all I want," Jesse admitted.
"Now you have to answer my question," Rachel sat, shifting in her seat until their knees touched. "How did you even figure it out?"
"You're slightly less than obvious," he replied flippantly, smirking as Rachel slapped him lightly across the shoulder. "Besides, I used to want to be on that stage as much as you do. I learned to read people Rach," he paused, making sure if voice was the perfect example of casual before speaking again, "especially those I care about."
Her only response was to rest her head against his shoulder. Eventually, he wrapped his arm around her and the spent the remainder of the bus ride to her apartment in silence, watching the city pass in a blur of lights and sounds.
-:-
KURT
He ended up walking with Blaine to his dorm, listening as he explained how he met his first actual girlfriend – a fiery sprite of a girl called Michelle – and how she claimed to be bisexual too. How Blaine explained that he was still as into guys as he ever was, but if he felt the same kind of connection to a girl, it was logical to pursue that as well; coming from Blaine, it did all sound very logical. But the eternal romantic that still lurked under Kurt's skin couldn't quell the feeling that love was an illogical act. It was something that defied reason and sent you hurling into madness, and it was only the other person's hand clasped in your own that kept you from tumbling over the edge and disappearing forever. Or if you fell, they fell with you, all or nothing.
Kurt just felt that Blaine was settling for anything instead of nothing, instead of what he really wanted. He kept this to himself, even as Blaine told him that Michelle had left him simply because Kurt had come back into the picture. If that was all it took, then how close could they have been? Blaine may have liked her, cared for her, but it couldn't possibly be the same as when he had been with Kurt. It was incredibly self-important, maybe, but Kurt felt like he was to blame for it. If he hadn't broken up with Blaine for a guy who turned out to have no interest beyond sex, then maybe Blaine wouldn't have turned to someone who clearly had no idea who Blaine really was or what he needed. If he had been there, Blaine would have been kept safe, and happy.
"You've been pretty quiet," Blaine remarked as they walked off the elevator and started towards Blaine's room, the last in the series. "You have things you want to say. I know you."
"I have a lot of things to say," Kurt admitted, leaning against the door frame while Blaine did the same opposite of him. "I just don't know how to say them."
"You're not usually the one at a loss for words," Blaine said and Kurt was so tempted to start reciting the mental list of 'reasons you are not bisexual' he'd compiled during the walk over; but even in his head, it sounded aggressive, like he'd ignored everything Blaine had said and simply wanted to be argumentative. It wasn't that at all; more than Kurt was sure he was absolutely right and Blaine was just floundering. A long flounder, maybe, but a flounder nonetheless. But he knew as sure as he knew his own name that if he confessed this to Blaine, they'd be back in front of the restaurant, screaming at each other loud enough for the rest of the world to hear.
"I think we're just going to have different opinions on this," Kurt finally said, choosing his words as carefully as he could. "I don't understand the idea of being bisexual, but if that's what you feel comfortable as, then I can't take that away from you. I wouldn't want to."
"I appreciate that," Blaine answered, his eyes shining with honesty and Kurt knew he'd managed to say the right thing. Blaine took his keys out of his pocket and opened his door, hesitating at the last minute. He turned back to Kurt. "I'm sorry, by the way. I was going to tell you."
"What exactly stopped you?" he asked, voice low.
"I was angry with you," Blaine said. "For a long time, I was angry and hurt and this was my way of... of punishing you I guess. By keeping you out of my life, I could hurt you back. It was stupid and petty and I've been thinking for weeks now that I needed to talk to you about all this. It just didn't happen the way I wanted it too and I'm sorry for that."
Kurt gave him a small smile, which he returned before turning back towards his door. For a split second, Kurt was content to leave it at that, to say 'goodnight' and call it a night. But his hand acted on it's own accord and reached out to curl around Blaine's upper arm, pulling his attention back to him. Blaine looked at him, eyebrows quirked in question, but didn't resist. Kurt didn't have a plan, didn't even know what his intentions were. It was pure impulse he was running on.
"Can I just say one thing?" Kurt implored, an odd note of desperation he didn't know he was feeling lacing his words. Except it wasn't something he could actually say; it wasn't something that meant anything with actual words. Because all the words in the world could be taken back, used against him, twisted to mean anything else and he couldn't be misunderstood. Not now, not in this because Blaine needed to understand him, no gray areas left to explore.
It was like his heart was being fed a thousand jolts when Kurt touched his lips to Blaine's. It had been so long, but it was achingly familiar. His mouth fell into a natural pout, soft except for the one spot in the corner that no amount of chapstick could smooth. It was as warm as he ever remembered it to be, a current slipping though his skin and he could feel his cheeks flush. There was nothing better than kissing Blaine, except for when Blaine would kiss him back.
Which he was decidedly not doing at the moment. He wasn't pushing him away, he just wasn't responding. He didn't even seem to be breathing and when Kurt pulled away, he didn't move away even then. The only inclination Kurt had that he hadn't suffered a complete paralysis were a few slow blinks and the way his eyebrows furrowed together.
"Kurt, I-"
And he couldn't stand it – how it could feel so familiar and result in something so different – so he just kissed him again, pulling Blaine closer to him, hands flying around his shoulder as he took advantage of Blaine's open mouth. He didn't dare push further, though he longed to deepen the kiss, to get some kind of positive response. But they lingered, with more than enough time for Blaine to force him away, though he didn't. His hands settled on Kurt's waist for a brief moment before falling away.
"What the fuck is this?"
This voice of pure venom startled Kurt away from Blaine faster than anything else ever had. A tall, athletically built boy he'd never seen before stood just inside the door to Blaine's room, holding the door open and staring incredulously at the pair. The disgust was obvious on his face, and Kurt fought back the shudder that threatened to take him over. He'd seen that look before, many times, and nothing good ever came from it.
"Go away Seth," Blaine snapped, glaring at who Kurt had to assume was his mysterious roommate. "It's nothing."
His words would have hurt more if Kurt had had time to actually process them, but Seth had moved from the doorway, glaring down at Blaine as he yelled. Kurt could just barely make out the words "homo" "bitch" "asshole" through the otherwise unintelligible babble streaming from Seth's mouth, but it was enough. As Seth got more and more flustered, Blaine grew more defiant and when his hands started shaking, Kurt knew he was beginning to lose patience. He was feeling cornered, attacked, and now that their shouting had woken up others in the hall, they had an audience and Blaine, as calm and cool as he could be under pressure, could only hold out for so long. He always broke, one way or another.
"I can fuck whoever I want in my room," Blaine finally snapped, trying to step around Seth but the other boy blocked his way.
"But it's not your fucking room, is it?" Seth argued, shoving Blaine away from the door. "I actually spend more than five goddamn hours a week in this room, so it's my fucking room and I don't want you or your bottom bitch faggot boy flaming up my fucking room."
"You leave him out of this," Blaine growled, his hands curling into fists.
"What are you going to do about it, huh?" Seth demanded, shoving Blaine against the wall this time, hands knotted in the front of his shirt. "Because your little fairy over there, he's not going to do anything."
"I said," Blaine hissed. "to leave him out of this."
Seth's hands were dangerously close to Blaine's neck as he challenged, "Or what?" and that seemed to be the last straw for Blaine. His arms snaked between Seth's and knocked them aside, shoving Seth away with a strength that took the other boy by surprise. An excited murmur swept over the crowd that had gathered in the hallway. Seth was livid and shouted "You're a dead man," and lunged at Blaine, his fist colliding with Blaine's nose. There was a distinct crack of broken bone and and the horrified gasp that escaped Kurt seemed to echo down the hall.
If Blaine was in any pain, he didn't show it. Instead he just wiped the blood off on his sleeve and responded with an uppercut to Seth's jaw, snapping the boy's head back. Then they were both on the ground, a series of flying limbs and grunts and profanities. A few of the boys in the hall had stopped watching the fight and were now trying to break it up, but Blaine's frenzied mirth seemed to egg Seth on.
"This is your worse nightmare, isn't it?" Blaine grunted as he managed to dodge a hit to his ribs. "You're getting your ass beat by a gay man."
"Fuck you!" was Seth's eloquent response.
"All you had to to was ask," Blaine retorted, rolling away from another punch. Someone had managed to get his arms around Blaine and pulled him away from Seth, who was currently pinned to the ground by someone else, yelling at him to calm down. To Blaine's credit, he settled down immediately and moved back to stand by Kurt. Blood was still gushing from his nose, trickling down his chin in macabre fashion.
The whole scene had been so surreal to Kurt. He knew better than almost anyone that Blaine harbored a temper, and he'd accompanied many times to the gym if only to watch as Blaine punished a punching bag for whatever was eating at him – his father, school, sometimes ever Kurt – but aside from a few outbursts, he'd never actually seen Blaine in a fight. And while it was horrible and violent, and every fiber of his being just wanted to make sure he wasn't hurt, a darker part of him enjoyed the fact that he had been fighting in Kurt's defense. The gleam in his eyes, the tension in his chest, the ragged breathing; it was seductive.
"You didn't have to do that," Kurt finally said, choking around the lump in his throat.
"Of course I did," Blaine immediately responded with a smile as he placed a hand on Kurt's shoulder. "Are you okay?"
Everything seemed to fall away in that moment. All of the awkwardness, the unanswered questions, the maybes and nevers and might-bes. Kurt knew, right then, that they were friends. Not exes, not old high school acquaintances; they were actual friends. Blaine cared enough to stand up for him, to get hurt for him; something Kurt would have never expected from him even less than an hour ago. "You're hurt," Kurt said with the same smile. "Let's just get out of here."
"Just one last thing," Blaine answered with a devilish smirk, the likes of which Kurt had never seen, and turned back to Seth. "I'm bisexual, by the way," he said as the other boy's jaw dropped in astonishment. "I could fuck you and then your girlfriend if I really wanted to. Fortunately for you, homophobic bigots aren't my type."
-:-
JESSE
"Are you sure I can't eat Blaine's pasta?" Jesse yelled from Rachel's couch as she threw away their empty plates.
"No, he often comes over after his last class without eating," Rachel reprimanded. "He'll appreciate that we thought about him enough to save it for him."
"I did pay for it, you know?" he retorted.
"And he'll appreciate that even more."
The intercom by Rachel's door buzzed, causing her to jump and look over at him warily. "Expecting anyone?" he asked and she just shook her head before stating that not even Blaine came over this late. The buzz became more and more insistent until finally Rachel ran across the room, pressing her finger on the button with a terse "hello?"
"It's Kurt and Blaine," came the static-filled reply.
"What are you doing here so late?" she inquired while simultaneously pushing another button that would open the front door for them. There was a garbled response that sounded something like "long story" before Rachel informed them that the elevator was broke again.
Jesse was actually kind of annoyed that the other two boys in their little group were making another appearance. Not that he wasn't curious about how their whole thing had gone, but it was rare that he had time with Rachel by himself. He understood why now, but that didn't make him like it any less. He felt the need to take advantage of any time she would give him, especially if she was entangled in a not-so-casual-to-his-eyes relationship with Blaine. Especially if he intended to be an option for Rachel and he definitely intended to be. He liked Blaine enough to not directly interfere with their relationship, but that was the risk of having an open relationship. If someone else set their eyes on your almost-girlfriend, she was technically fair game. Jesse knew as long as Rachel was happy, he wouldn't do anything, but the second she had any doubts, well, he wasn't sure he'd be able to stop himself. He was essentially a selfish person, after all.
Rachel let out a loud, horrified gasp as she opened the door and he bolted off the couch, rushing across the room and planting himself by the door, ready to fend off whatever had scared her. He didn't seem anything out of the ordinary, just barely registering Kurt and Blaine. Then he noticed how Blaine's arms was slung around Kurt's shoulder, how he was leaning to favor his left side, and finally the dried blood matted around his nostrils and speckled along the collar of his shirt. There was a deep bruise spread under both of his eyes, sweeping up just around the inner corners.
"Don't tell me Kurt did that to you," Jesse quipped as Kurt led Blaine inside, Rachel already fretting over his injuries.
"This is not funny Jesse!" Rachel shrieked. "Blaine, what happened to you?"
"I had a little fight with Seth," his speech was slurred, like he had a bad cold and he winced as he practically collapsed on the couch, his hand automatically wrapping around his ribs as if guarding them. "It's not a big deal."
"Not a big deal?" Rachel repeated, glaring at him with a measure of concern, something only she could pull off. "Your nose is broken!"
"It is not!" he insisted.
"That's exactly what I looked like when Finn broke mine," she argued back before spinning around on her heel to yell at Kurt. "Why didn't you take him directly to the hospital?"
"I was, but he said he left his wallet with his insurance card in his jacket at the diner," Kurt explained. "We assumed you brought it back here."
"You could have just called us to meet you there," Jesse supplied offhandedly as he watched Rachel hover over Blaine. She kept reaching out to touch him, only to pull back before she did, as if afraid to hurt him. He leaned further into the couch, taking short breaths and looking very uncomfortable, but oddly at peace. And Jesse realized it was because of Rachel; the way he gazed at her, eyes soft and loving, never bothering once to search out anyone else out in the room. And though she was clearly on the verge of panicking over his current state, she gazed back at him in the same way. They didn't even touch, didn't even speak, but it was like there was no space between them at all.
When she finally did gently take his hand and lead him towards the bathroom, Jesse wondered if even taking a shot at her was even worth it at all while Blaine was in her life. This thought, this single passing moment, was more depressing than any other in his life.
"What happened?" he found himself asking Kurt who was twisting the silk scarf he wore in his hands.
"His roommate doesn't like gays," Kurt whispered guiltily. "It's all my fault."
"That's probably not true," Jesse replied. He really did feel sorry for the kid; he had a way of attracting a lot of negative attention to himself without trying to. Yes, he was incredibly high-strung and needy, but he wasn't a bad guy all around. He just often ran into a lot of bad luck and didn't have the personal skills to know how to handle it.
"It is," Kurt bemoaned. "If I hadn't kissed him, then there wouldn't have been a fight."
"You kissed Blaine's homophobic roommate?" Jesse quizzed.
"Blaine," Kurt said with a pointed stare. "I kissed Blaine."
"Oh," was the only response he could muster as he processed the new information. Kurt had kissed Blaine. In effect, Blaine had kissed Kurt. Blaine, who was with Rachel right now in the bathroom, who only moments ago had looked at her like she was his whole world, had kissed someone other than Rachel. The thought filled him, and he was an awful person to admit this even to himself, a dark, twisted hope that maybe there was a crack to be seen after all.
"I just wanted to prove to him that he is gay," Kurt moped, "and maybe remind him how good we were together, but I just ended up hurting him. Again."
"You can't prove that he's gay," Jesse interrupted.
"You've only known him for a month," Kurt snapped, "so excuse me if I don't consider your assessment of him to be viably accurate."
"And yet, I seem to know him better than you," Jesse prodded. "He says he's bi, he's bi. Whatever problems you have with it, it's not your place to 'correct' them. Deal with it and move on. You're gay, he's bi, you're still in the ring."
Kurt merely looked at him for a long moment, his jaw locked into place as he seemed to consider his words. A quiet washed over Rachel's tiny apartment, the only sound coming from the streets below until Kurt let out a little breath of a sigh and said, "you're right."
"I've been told that a lot tonight," Jesse grinned. "Doesn't make it less true."
"I still don't think he's bisexual," Kurt said, and Jesse just rolled his eyes but continued to listen anyway. "But I can accept that he thinks he is, because he's my friend and I owe him that."
"Yeah," Jesse muttered darkly to himself, glancing towards the bathroom door. "We're all friends here."
-:-
BLAINE AND RACHEL
"He kissed you?" Rachel whispered, kneeling in front of him as she dabbed lightly at the blood crusted under Blaine's nose with a wet towel.
"Yeah, twice" Blaine sighed, shifting uncomfortably on the edge of the toilet seat, every now and then gently prodding his aching side with his fingertips. He was sure he was just bruised, but after Rachel convinced him his nose was indeed broken, his mind started churning to the thought that maybe a rib or two had been smashed as well. Though the pain in his chest could also be from having to tell Rachel exactly how he'd gotten into this state to begin with, and that meant telling her about what happened in the hall beforehand.
"Did you kiss him back?" she asked, her expression closed and guarded as she seemingly concentrated on cleaning him up before they headed to the emergency room. It wasn't a look he liked on her; it was like she was preparing for something that he wouldn't be a part of.
"No," he answered honestly, thinking about the actual kiss itself. It had been initiated by Kurt, both times, and there hadn't been and reciprocation that he could recall. Except for one thing. "I didn't exactly push him away though."
She sat back on her heels, dropping the bloodied towel onto the floor next to her. "He took me by surprise," Blaine expounded. "I honestly didn't see it coming. But I just thought you should know."
"Did you want to?" she said and her voice was so quiet he had to strain to hear it. "Kiss him back, I mean?"
Blaine paused, searching for the answer to that question. He knew what she wanted to hear, but he wasn't sure if that was the truth and they always, without fail, told each other the truth. She expected it of him. "I don't know," he finally said, reaching for her hand to hold, sighing in relief when she accepted it.
"Jesse knows," she said, squeezing his fingers. "He guessed, I guess, but he knows. I couldn't lie to him Blaine."
"We never asked each other to lie, not really," he rationalized.
She could see him starting to shut down, to retreat and she wanted desperately to free him from that, but she wasn't sure how to get out herself. Over the course of one evening, a singular part of the day, two very big, unplanned for events had happened and it shook her more than she had readied herself for. The doubts clouded her mind, wondering if they were living in a glass house and someone had started throwing stones.
"He won't tell Kurt," she said as if she were reciting lines for memorization, with no emotion. "He doesn't like to meddle in other people's business."
He laced their fingers together and she leaned against his leg, hair falling over his knees. "What does this mean Blaine?"
His voice mirrored her own, barely a whisper as he repeated, "I don't know."
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